Satan Claws

Title: “How to Tell If Your Cat Is Plotting to Kill You”

Author: The Oatmeal (Matthew Inman)

Rank: 19

Blurb: “If your cat is kneading you, that’s not a sign of affection. Your cat is actually checking your internal organs for weakness.”

Review: “The paper edition seems to work natively without any apps.”

Customers Also Bought: “Crafting with Cat Hair: Cute Handicrafts to Make with Your Cat”

Footnote: Wait, wait — Crafting with Cat Hair?

Are your favorite sweaters covered with cat hair? Do you love to make quirky and one-of-a-kind crafting projects? If so, then it’s time to throw away your lint roller and curl up with your kitty! Crafting with Cat Hair shows readers how to transform stray clumps of fur into soft and adorable handicrafts. From kitty tote bags and finger puppets to fluffy cat toys, picture frames, and more, these projects are cat-friendly, eco-friendly, and require no special equipment or training. You can make most of these projects in under an hour — with a little help, of course, from your feline friends!

The Apocalypse can’t come soon enough.

How to Tell If Your Cat Is Plotting to Kill You [Amazon]

Buy or Die [Stinque@Amazon Kickback Link]


It looks like Trump (or one of his boot licking minions) bought the book. How else do you explain his hair?

Cat people! Always waaaayyyy to into the little monsters. You’d think they were babies.

Now if you excuse me I have to mix Thor’s raw food diet and take him to day-care so I can buy his Christmas presents.

@Tommmcatt May Just Have Some MJ In His System As Well, So What?: I hate (a) Faux Baby Talk directed at babies, and (b) Faux Baby Talk directed at cats. Treat your babies and cats like grownups, and they’ll respect you for it.

And dogs? Doesn’t matter what you say. They’re just waiting for the subtlest indication of a leash rattling.

It’s been about 5 months since Hatrack‘s last attempt to kill me, but I’m always vigilant. She almost enucleated one of my eyes in her last full body death pounce with teeth and claws to my face.

But I love her anyway and since she had quite a troubled life before I adopted her I cut her a lot of slack (although I will admit to murderous thoughts in the hour or so following that incident).

Usually she just gives me love bites and attention scratches rather than her full blown homicidal attacks. And there is a pattern to and warning signs of her murder attempts, if I am conscious enough to notice (she attacks when I am half asleep in the middle of the night). A little bit of lovin’ (and a full food bowl) is all it takes to satisfy her.

Hatrack (nee Moneypenny) is a calico who appears to have seven claws (she has the usual five) on her gigantic claws and leaves a bite about six inches wide (I’ve measured it).

Why did I change her name from Moneypenny to Hatrack? It was an immediate flash when I first met her and before I decided to adopt her.

What’s the first thing James Bond does when he sees Moneypenny?

Also, she often appeared oblivious after her several hour trip from her foster’s to the adoption site so I named her in honor of the most oblivious boss I ever had, Hatrack (the Warden of a prison I worked at many years ago): a perfectly descriptive name for the man; his ears prevented a hat from falling over his face, and that was the only purpose his head served.

@nojo: Baby talk is actually good for babies, it helps them develop language. But I see what you mean…

@Tommmcatt May Just Have Some MJ In His System As Well, So What?: I think you mean talking to babies is good for babies, which it is. But there’s no reason to talk to them like they’re fucking idiots.

@nojo: Actually, there is. Babies that are “babbled at”‘acquire language at an earlier age, and have larger vocabularies. I can look the study up if you like. The theory is that babbling creates building blocks for the child to use in creating words of their own.

@Tommmcatt May Just Have Some MJ In His System As Well, So What?: Okay, fine. I’m beyond my competence here, since the nephews are in Seattle.

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