Portrait of the Candidate as a Young Douchebag

During our time inhabiting This Mortal Coil, we have seen the election — okay, election, ascension, and coup — of ten Preznidents.

Here are their ages upon election/ascension/coup, in order: 43, 55, 55, 61, 52, 69, 64, 46, 54, 47.

But let’s throw out Ford (61) because he wasn’t elected. And let’s throw out Reagan (69) because he’s an outlier, and Bush I (64) because he was drafting on Reagan, and couldn’t get elected on his own eight years earlier.

Result? America prefers its Preznidents between 45 and 55, to make a nice soundbite range out of it. Old enough to know a thing or two, young enough to still do something about it. 65 may not mean what it used to, but it’s still Retirement Age. Even Ike was only a spry 62 in 1952, and he beat the Nazis, so cut him some slack.

Mitt’s age isn’t going to be an issue this year, but he’s only a year younger than Bubba and Shrub — not just Baby Boom, but Baby Boom defined, when all those horny soldiers came home from the War and fucked like bunnies.

Which means we’re in for the final installment of the Vietnamization of American Politics.

Andrew Kaczynski, BuzzFeed’s intrepid archivist, unearthed this fine specimen from Spring 1966, around the time Don Draper was grooving out to “Tomorrow Never Knows”. Let’s have a gander at the caption:

Governor’s Son Pickets the Pickets

Mitt Romney, son of Michigan Gov. George Romney, was one of the pickets who supported the Stanford University administration today in opposition to sit-in demonstrators.

For context, here’s a recent Stanford Historical Society article:

The spring of 1966 saw the university’s first sit-in. A few dozen students occupied the President’s Office in Building 10, protesting the fact that Stanford was administering standardized Selective Service examinations through which students could qualify for continued exemption from the draft. The Stanford Committee for Peace in Vietnam (SCPV) objected that the exams signified cooperation with the war effort and aided privileged university students. Other Stanford students marched in the Quad to protest the protest and outnumbered the sitters-in.

That’s our Mitt — siding with The Man. And as we know, Mitt fulfilled his service to Our Exceptional Nation by annoying heathens in France with his heretical cultism.

What bothers us isn’t that Mitt is a Chicken Hawk — we already knew that — but Jesus Christ, do we have to go through this again? Vietnam has been on the agenda all our fucking life, and at this point we’d rather endure it through the ironic detachment of a hip retro television series than see it arise yet again in national politics.

And that’s the problem: It’s not that Mitt is too old. It’s that his life is a bad trip.


Nothing Never Ends.

What irks me about Mittens is that he’s all about responsibilities/duties for everyone but him and his family and that he runs as fast as he can when the shit hits the fan.

Southern politicians ran against the Civil War well into the 20th century (despite the fact they won the Reconstruction). Republicans will be running against the 1960s well into this century.

@Jesuswalksinidaho: True, alas. We’re forever stuck in a time warp between the Civil Rights Act and Roe v. Wade.

Romney was wounded during the war while serving in France…punched in the face by two French thugs and attacked by a drunk priest in a car.

i do not beleive the polls calling the november election close. i have seen only two rmoney yard signs here in east teannebaggassee. the whole of teannebaggassee is so fucked up that the democrats are not even relevant in the state house. even when every democrat votes the same on a bill, their combined numbers are irrelevant. so how can it be that in a state this fucked up that only two yard signs are evident here in knoxville? and then consider this, obama will win nashville, memphis and chattanooga yet lose by more than 10 points state wide. in the dark ages of 2000 and 2004, w signs littered most every yard in rocky top and every fucking suv and pickup was marred by a w sticker on the bumper. w barely won then. rmoney garners absolutely no enthusiasm among these right wing nuts even in the face of such obama hatred. it has to be even worse for rmoney in ohio, michigan, and pennsylvania where i believe he stands no chance in hell and will lose by more than 10 points. that leaves only virginia, north carolina, and florida as must win swing states for rmoney. at best, rmoney wins two out of those three dooming his bid for the presidency. it’s not hard to figure out how the electoral vote will go state by state. just make a list of all 50 with rmoney and obama columns and do the math. rmoneys only hope is to cheat like w, $5 gas, or a terrorist attack worse than 9-11. none are likely to happen in the next 6 months.

@jwmcsame: I don’t have the link handy, but Rolling Stone’s Matt Taibbi agrees with you.

Me, I get very annoyed at context-free polling stories. National polls are meaningless in the face of electoral votes; “swing state” polls are useless if they don’t provide the overall picture.

Obama starts with a base of about 250 electoral votes — the strong Blue states. Mitt starts with half that. Obama only needs to score one or two major swing states to win with 270. And that’s that.

Mitt’s a weak candidate who survived a field of awful candidates. The GOP heavy hitters all sat this one out — they knew last summer that Obama would be much more formidable than the conventional wisdom allowed.

The comparison — ironically — is 1992, when Poppy Bush scared off the major Dems, leaving little-known Bubba to sweep the field. But Poppy was resented by his base, and Perot fucked up the works. Obama isn’t Poppy. And Mitt isn’t Bubba.

I’m still calling it an electoral landslide for Obama, but I’m not preening like Taibbi about it. It’s still early, and shit can go down. But in the year I’ve been thinking about it, I haven’t seen anything to change my mind.

there are 3 types of obama haters that rmoney must get 100% poll attendance from. the racial, political, and religious haters. the racial haters are there regardless of how bad rmoney flip flops or otherwise fucks things up. he is losing the political haters more and more every day by becoming obama on issues like the gm bailout and bin laden. health INSURANCE (not care) reform has already doomed rmoney with these folks no matter how much he refutes the success of the massachusetts reforms. and then the one issue that no right winger will admit, rmoneys mormon faith pretty much keeps at least half the obama religious haters at home. ask most southerners and they will tell you they believe the mormons are a cult. the only southern demographic that gives the mormons any respect are the progressives who will vote 100% obama. so, rmoney is lucky if half the haters show up. if the santorum and gingrich voters stay home as well, some southern and western states then come into play for obama. losing by at least 60-40 among women, hispanics, and the 18-20 something vote pretty much dooms rmoney. there is no competent analysis that swings the popular vote even 51-49 or somehow close enough for an electoral squeeker to rmoney.

@jwmcsame: Agree. But I worry about the House and Senate.

@Dodgerblue: yeah, but the dodgers got it going on this year. it’s hard to beat hitting, base stealing, starting and relief pitching. they got it all this year with Magic in the ravine as well.

Even if Obama wins – which I do think and hope happens – we are still stuck with a dysfunctional Congress. Sort of like the colicky kid on the potty: The POTUS mouth may make noise, the SCOTUS ticker is tickin’ away, but the ole’ Congressional pooper ain’t poopin’ out any useful laws.


You say “ran” like they still aren’t running against the Civil War. The constant threats of secession and veiled references to their opponents as “New England librals” (ie, Northerners) tell me they’re still using it…

@al2o3cr: there are still dumb motherfuckers around here defending the klan as the poor pitiful white southerners only defense against the hordes of scalawags and carpetbaggers that invaded the south during reconstruction. just check out knoxnews.com for stories about the rebel flag or civil war history. every one of those stories devolves into the states rights and other bull shit defenses.

Point taken. People like Rick Perry will talk about secession. Hell, I’ve seen Confederate flag bumberstickers on pickups here in the Pacific and Inland Northwest, ’cause you know there’s something free spirited and romantic (in a gutsy sort of way) ’bout the Rebs–never mind that Bobby Lee was fighting to make the world safe for slavery. States rights in the old South were a cover for the right to own and sell people, now in the West they’re often a cover for grabbing control of natural resources.

@jwmcsame: I was at the game last night. Magic was there, also Rachel Robinson and Don Newcombe. Kemp is hitting the ball so hard, it’s scary. Our bullpen, I donno.

jwmcsame can turn on a fucking dime.

So Lugar got bounced by some teabagger. What does that mean for the Senate count in November, assuming that the Demos pick up his seat?

@Jesuswalksinidaho: the virginia teabaggers are readying for civil war 2, the sequel. it’ll probably end the same as the first one only worst for the south this time seeing how the north has unmanned drones, stealth fighters, cruise missiles, and of course the seals. in other words, you better wartch out boys, the north’s gonna do it again.

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