From Cured to Eternity

This is a Bacon Coffin. It sells for $2,999.95. It’s offered as a promotional stunt by a company that markets bacon salt. And it must be effective, because, well, this is a Bacon Coffin.

We’re showing you the Bacon Coffin because it’s a real coffin. We know the Bacon Coffin is a real coffin because the company’s Facebook page features a photo of the company owners buying the real coffin from Costco.

You can buy a real coffin from Costco for $1,299.99 (for The Lady of Guadalupe Casket) to $2,999.99 (for The Edward Casket), with “expedited shipping” (not available in all areas) in case your Dearly Departed is rotting in your broken-down garage freezer. But if you buy a real coffin from Costco, Costco is apparently legally obligated to inform you that THERE IS NO SCIENTIFIC OR OTHER EVIDENCE THAT ANY CASKET WITH A SEALING DEVICE WILL PRESERVE HUMAN REMAINS, which is one fascinating way that People Are Not Like Twinkies.

Also, “Acts of God, weather-related conditions and states of emergencies can delay delivery beyond the stated delivery parameters”, which we agree would be drolly ironic if we were dead.

And this is why we are showing you the Bacon Coffin, which is really a Costco Coffin, which is really much more amusing. Because showing you the Bacon Coffin without telling you about the Costco Coffin would be — hold on, let’s make sure we’ve fitted the Kevlar properly — burying the lead.


It’s also showing future archaeologists the likely cause of our death.

On a related note, I’ve heard that when Thiamine deficiency leads to death, the coffin should be filled with blueberries and similar fruit.

That way you can have a berry bury for beriberi.

Which way to the witness protection program?

I never visit graves and I don’t think there’s any point in somebody weeping over a plot of grass being fed by my decomposing corpse. My wife and I have donated our bodies to the University of Louisville medical school. They will provide cremation and a service our survivors can attend if they choose. Total cost of our funeral arrangements = $0.

If this harms the bottom line of the death industry (see Costco above), so much the better. As far as future archaeologists are concerned, they can look up our Facebook pages. They’ll outlast our species.

I think I’ll get the “In God’s Care” casket. Customers gave it a 5 star rating. They appreciate not having to spend 3-5 times as much for a casket bought through the funeral home.

Speaking of death, my much beloved cat Gwydion is probably not going to make it through the weekend. I am hanging on by the power of Xanax.

Back home, they dress us in nice traditional clothes, wrap us in a Pendleton blanket, secure it with rope and bury us the next day after death. It’s the post-funeral traditional activities that eats up a lot of time and resources and relies heavily upon the extended family.

@Mistress Cynica: So sorry to hear about Gwydion. You both will be in my thoughts. If a passing on is coming, may it be a peaceful one.

@Mistress Cynica: Oh sweets, I’m so sorry. Those little balls of fur just rip your heart apart when they die. And it’s so hard to make the decision to put them down, but it’s such a gift we can give them when it’s time. He was a lucky kitty to have you and you were lucky to have him. He’s been sick for a while, right? Will light the St. Francis candle for him tonight when I get home. xoxo

@Mistress Cynica: So sorry to hear that. Thinking of you.

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