Crazy Can Only Get You So Far
Well, we lost a few guys before the election season properly started. Seeing as The Donald, Sarah Plain and Dumb, Timothy the Dull, and Herman Cain were late scratches, we cannot really say that they were felled by the electorate.
Ah, but we can say hail, and farewell, to Michelle Bachmann tonight. Born in Iowa, she was the only one from a state which touches the Hawkeye State, and somebody who was banking on the tea partiers and thumpers and disheartened Mama Grizzlies to bring her across the line. And she looks like that she has converted her straw poll win into… sixth place. Thud. (Noted: the votes are still coming in, but it looks uniformly awful.)
And so, the Stinque Decision Desk is prepared to call it. Shelly’s torch — lighting, incandescently, her bid to make Black Eagle a ONE! TERM! PRESIDENT! — will have to be carried by another sucker. And thus she can go back to not sleeping with her husband, and to railing against energy-saving lightbulbs and HPV vaccinations from the august halls of the House of Representatives.
We come not to praise Bachmann, but to bury her. So let’s do it. And anything worth doing is worth doing right.
[UPDATE (2345 ET): Bachmann, channeling her inner zombie, vows to fight on. No idea when the money runs out, but I don’t think she makes it to South Carolina. Book it.]
NOTE TO VIEWERS — STINQUE’S IOWA CAUCUS GENERALIZED HEADQUARTERS AND CHOWDER CLUB CAN BE FOUND HERE —
I dunno if y’all have seen Iowa Nice. It’s freakin’ awe-sum
Can’t we get her a gig on Fox News? Michelle and Sarah would be a good team.
@¡Andrew!: It’s no Zadar Cow From Hell.
Could Billy Mumy please send her out to the cornfield?
“The NBC Facebook Debate Moderated by David Gregory”. The Wrong:Word ratio is almost even.
@¡Andrew!: On the other hand, all the stereotypes about Oregon are true.
No more Bachmann Takeover Drive?
She’s ignorant, a loon and I’m mildly intrigued by her corn dog photo. That’s all the nice I got for Shelly. Just another victim of the Children of the Corn.
@nojo: The guy who made that video must’ve watched a helluva lot of The Rick Mercer Report.
Oh noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!! Does this mean that Marcus is no longer in the running????????
@¡Andrew!: Well played. And — it’s been a while since I broke out this old line — that video. Damn. Tears of AWESOME.
@Benedick: There’s no official announcement yet, but you can see all those cured of the gay — both of ’em — crying from here.
@chicago bureau: All those so-called X-gheyz now go by names like Anita Mayun and Rachel Tensions. It must be obvious even to Ms. MarKKKus that the dick-deprogramming didn’t take.
@ManchuCandidate: Randy Bachmann is an ex-Mo, BTW. So is his crappy kid, Tal. Tal Wilkenfeld, however, is beyond awesome.
So, are Iowans done playing musical chairs?
@¡Andrew!: Iowa’s always been awesome. I never thought Iowans were rubes. But where’s the nearest Apple store? Nebraska? I’m just sayin’.
@Benedick: The live near The Mall of the World, or some shit like that.
At least one more term than you, Michelle.
And… Shelly decides to… suggest that there may be a Michelle in the White House? Huh?
(Actually, I’ll take that, all things considered. So long as it is Shelly O, mind.)
Hey look, kids — she’s crazier than we thought. She fights on after this savage beating.
I still think she’s cooked. New Hampshaah voters will simply put on the honeyglaze on this ham.
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