Citizen Cain

We don’t normally cover news conferences, but we can’t resist what Herman Cain! has to say about the lovely ladies in his life — which he’ll be doing live on (at least) CNN in fifteen minutes.

Plus, we also can’t resist the really naughty implications of the photo reference.

So welcome to our impromptu Open Thread/Vagina Monologue. Because if you know anything about the movie, you also know it’s famous for, um, deep focus.


Remember when Geraldine Ferraro spent hours answering every possible question about her real-estate dealings? That’s how you exhaust a scandal.

Of course, it’s not like fresh charges emerged every day.

Cain backdrop: Five flags. One for each accuser?

It would be awesome if he hands out a Journalism Code of Ethics, then turns around and leaves.

Apparently NYT just published a story where a previous “anonymous” (note: not anonymous) accuser goes on the record.

Cain now being introduced by his Georgia lawyer, who says “serious, legitimate claims of sexual harassment are not settled for nuisance value.”

Also says that regarding his harassment/assault clients, he didn’t “take them out and parade them in front of the cameras.”

Note to self: nuke popcorn.

So he’s doubling down. I really thought he would own up to “mistakes” and try to change the conversation.

Lawyer: Monday’s accuser waited 14 years “to tell her story to a third person for the first time.”

Lawyer: Cain being tried in court of public opinion, etc.

Lawyer: “a story that is so inherently improbable on its face”.

@nojo: And so? This is standard perp playbook stuff.

“I am Herman Cain, and I am runnin’ for president of the United States of America. I normally don’t have notes…”

Cain: “That’s the person Herman Cain is.”

Third-person alert!

“I have never acted inappropriately with anyone. Period!”

@nojo: Is the lawyer doing all the talking? I’m up in Excremento, TV-less until I get back to the airport.

Cain: Doesn’t know who the latest accuser is, doesn’t recognize the name. NRA (the other NRA) had 150 employees in DC, plus Chicago where the accuser worked.

@Dodgerblue: Cain started talking at 5:09 ET.

Cain: “They simply did not happen. The American people want a businessman in the White House, and not a politician.”

“A businessman by the name of Herman Cain stepped forward. Here I am.”

I haven’t heard this much third-person since Bob Dole.

@nojo: No one will believe that, because we all have acted inappropriately at times. But I don’t think this is about the truth.

“I will not be deterred by false, anonymous, incorrect accusations.”

“Nine days ago the media started to beat me up, covering anonymous accusers.”

Third-person reference #3. Drink!

“The Democrat machine in America has brought forth a troubled woman to make false accusations.”

@nojo: Remember her name? Oh c’mon, they’re just pieces a meat for guys like this. Find ’em, feel ’em, etc.

Quotes wife: “I have known you for 46 years… That doesn’t even sound like anything you would do to anyone.”

Claims wife and kids support him, then says: “I ask that the media not drag my family into this.”

@nojo: Anonymous? Their names are in the fucking settlement agreements.

Note to future scandal subjects: A southern baritone really helps your presentation.

CBS: “Would you be willing to take a lie-detector test?”

Cain: “I absolutely would. But I’m not gonna do it unless I have a good reason.”

Cain on his management experience: “I’ve also seen situations where women have attempted to sexually harass men.”

Cain: “The accusations were baseless. There was no legal settlement.” There was an “agreement”, but that’s something else.

Double third-person in one sentence! Drink! Drink!

Again refers to plot to “keep a businesman out of the White House”. What is “businessman” code for here?

Look at the great job a failed “bidniz man” did between 2001 and 2009.

Fox: “Is it a conspiracy?”

Cain: “I cannot say that it is a conspiracy.”

But he can imply all he wants: “We can only infer that someone is trying to wreck my character.”

You don’t payout 45K for an “agreement.” And considering how tough a sexual harassment case is to prove… Cain isn’t exactly a deep thinker or even a shallow thinker… or just thinking in general.

On his Other NRA experience: “I was out of the office a lot” giving speeches. Does that mean he didn’t spend much time being a manager? Does that count as being a businessman?

And suddenly we’re wrapping up…

“Our foggy foreign policy crisis.”

Like Ubekibekibekibekistanstan?

And… scene!

Summary: “Doubling down” doesn’t begin to express it. He hit the mats.

I didn’t watch this plainly riveting performance, but “businessman” is what he hopes will mean “not a lying, thieving politician,” but me mistimed it, and now “businessman” just sounds like “one-percenter.”

An actual explosion might induce me to watch tomorrow night’s 2,332nd RepubliKKKan debate. (Probably not, tho.)

@¡Andrew!: The debates have been great entertainment. Especially when combined with multiple beers.


What is “businessman” code for? The same thing it’s been for decades – fascist

Benedick thinks the American People deserve better. Benedick is of the opinion that Herman Cain has just let slip the dogs of war and is about to find himself living in a pile of shit. Benedick thinks that Herman Cain’s arrogance is not a winning quality.

Benedick was going to go on to make a joke about sexual harassment and Johnny Earl but decided to refrain on account of the whole taste and real people’s lives aspect. Though – just putting it out there (as the bishop said to the actress) – if one were to make it plain up front that sexual harassment is not off the table, especially after a couple glasses of Chardonnay…

That being said, Benedick can hardly wait for the next Republican ‘debate’ at which Herman Cain will reveal the extent of the Democrat conspiracy. Benedick wonders which of the other ‘candidates’ will then call for a lie-detector test, for the sake of the grandchildren.

@Benedick: Benedick should reserve judgment of Herman Cain!until Benedick hears what the voice analyst and body language expert on The Insider says about Herman Cain!’s performance.

Brand-new Twitter account: @DemocratMachine

“Dedicated to crushing Herman Cain. ACORN-Powered. OFA-Fueled. Soros-funded.”

I heart Cyberspace.

@ManchuCandidate: Can’t wait to hear him tell the 99% that $45K is “nuisance value.”

@texrednface: Benedick resents fellow stinquers not posting linques so Benedick has to do google.

“Businessman” really is the weirdest bit of victimization to come down the pike in awhile. For one, part of Mitt’s pitch is that he’s a businessman, too!

He could have tried “conservative black man”, but wingnuts don’t believe in discrimination. Plus, there’s a liberalish black man there right now.

But the point of political victimization is for your followers to identify with your victimhood, as Talibunny amply demonstrated. Who identifies with businessmen?

Let’s bear in mind that for every accuser, there may be x number of women who bought his line and turned into more toppings on his sexual pizza. Anyone care to figure out what the ratio may be?

@matador1015: Well, complaints to a consumer service or manufacturer are typically figured at something like 1:100 or 1:1000 (ie, for every one complainer, there are 100 or 1000 people who feel the same way but aren’t saying anything). Even if we go simple with 1:10, that’s still a pretty horrifying number. Of course, the foundational premise is probably unsound, so it’s worth what you paid for it.

@matador1015: @IanJ: I think there’s a logarithmic element to the equation: The more accusers who come forward, the exponentially more there are who haven’t.

In other words: one accusation is an exception, three’s a trend, and five’s a party.

Related: I still can’t think of a twist on “bimbo eruption” that spins correctly.

@matador1015: Let’s bear in mind that for every accuser, there may be x number of women who bought his line and turned into more toppings on his sexual pizza …
Insert sausage joke here …

@Benedick: Texrednface did not post a link for Benedick because Texrednface is anticipating the voice and body language analysts to offer their assessment of Herman Cain! at his presser.
Sorry for the confusion.
Don’t forget to factor in the yet to appear long term disaffected mistress/girlfriend into the equation. A man of Herman Cain!’s stature/status must have one.

Why didn’t ! call it “a high-tech lynching”? Worked for the last guy…

@nojo: “High-tech lynching” [!] Think of Cain! and Abel! He’s an able businessman ! being treated unfairly as Cain ! was. ! (There’s some sense in there somewhere. I think.)

@texrednface: Benedick can’t wait to see the body language while at the same time deploring the media circus.

I think we have our answer to Talk Like a Pirate Day.

Leaving tomorrow morning for Houston. Yay! I intend to eat so much seafood, bbq, Tex-Mex and kolaches(!) that Southwest will make me buy an second seat for the return flight. Hopefully, the Girl Scouts I’ll be hanging with won’t be all girl scout-y, if you know what I mean. Mama needs to get her party on.

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: Lately I have been majorly jonesing for Hill Country barbecue (Hello, Salt Lick!) and some cheesy delightful Tex-Mex enchiladas.* You are not helping. Make sure to drink lots of Shiner Bock while you’re there.

* Santa Maria tri-tip and burritos from the Mission are both wonderful in their own right, but they’re not the same.

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