A Few Decades With Andy Rooney

I thought he was going to be dead.

You know something? I kinda liked the guy. “Fuck you new wave jerks. I want my typewriter. And all this air in the cereal box… why should I buy air?”

Seriously. He was the prototypical snarky, cynical bastard. In the evolutionary chart, he fits (on the time scale, not intelligence-wise) somewhere between a caveman giving another caveman a hotfoot and Moses telling a knock-knock joke. (Knock, knock. (Who’s there?) He who is. (He who is who?) He who is… is… who… he…. oh, forget it.) But Andy Rooney is, I dare say, one of us.

Gonna miss him.

Andy Rooney is, I dare say, one of us.

He’s not one of mine, thank you very much!

@Tommmcatt: see, that happened when I was 11 years old. That’s the problem with being older than dirt. The record is long, and unforgiving.

Take Robert Byrd. He was in the Klan, but there was the evolution into something approaching a god to dirty hippie liberals like us after his opposition to the Iraq War. Would Rooney take a run at teh gheys now? I may be wrong, but I’d bet against it.

@Tommmcatt Be Fat, And That Be That: Well, that explains the Phil Hartman version I didn’t use.

@chicago bureau: Forgiveness is hard to come by on the intertoobez.

@Tommmcatt Be Fat, And That Be That: You gays. It’s all about the gay. If it’s not gay you make it gay. Gay gay gay. Gay gay gay gay gay gay gay.

Wasn’t Rooney claiming the mantle of Twain? (No, not Shania, Catt.) Or Will Rogers? (No, not Will Rogers Follies, Catt! We’re not all out there in WeHo hitting hotspots with our posse) The American Iconoclast. Enshrined in show-biz where he can do no harm. We chuckle at his grumbles because that’s just how he is. Andy did need to undergo a substantial reboot but in the end his eyebrows won out. He was the farmer guy we met leaning over the fence that time we drove to Vermont to see the foliage and he was just so… pithy! Like if Robert Frost didn’t spend all his time writing poems no one reads (The woods are lovely, dark, and deep. We’ll cut them all before we sleep) and spent more time sharing.

Then of course when we got to the B&B the room was crap and nothing like the pictures online and there was hair in the drain and it wasn’t mine but would you do anything about it? Would you go down there and speak up like a man? Oh no, Mr Wonderful, you had to go straight for the minibar. And no, Bailey’s Irish Cream is not kosher. It’s irish, for fuck’s sake! I bet Andy Rooney would have spoken up. He’d have given them what for. He would have shamed them with his intrinsic pithiness. It’s the same with Mitzi. Do you discipline her? You say she’s just a dog. You let her shit wherever she likes. Who cleans up after her? Me. That’s who. I’m tired, Morris. I’m very very tired. I’m thinking of turning lesbian. Shirley switched and it’s worked out pretty well. She started that drywall business with her girlfriend. It seems you don’t need a penis to cum. Don’t touch me. I’m watching Carson.

Ladies, questioning, and gentlemen, end of scene. I thank you. Yes, it’s under copyright. William Inge: Monologues for Auditions. (No, You will not be cast you Loser) Australian rights still available.

@Benedick: We’ve talked about the medication before, dood.

@Benedick: Je t’adore.

@Benedick: /golf clap/

@Benedick: You’re on a roll today. Do you have a deadline or a new puppy to housebreak….and thus you are ignoring these tasks distracting yourself (and us) with your awesomeness on Stinque?

@SanFranLefty: Seriously. Thas some good writing. /tips martini glass

Back to 42 CFR . . .

@Benedick: Mitzi, as in Gaynor?

About 40 years ago Rooney had a investigative special aired on a Sunday night that examined the cost of Congress. He looked at the size of the staffs that were typical in the 40’s and 50’s as well as what wash standard practice by the mid 60’s into the 70’s. For a 20 something watching this, it was pretty enlightening. I often wonder why there wasn’t some general outrage over the waste.

I think when Sen. John Williams (R-De) retired in 1968 because he thought he was too old at the age of 70, he had a staff tw0.

@DElurker: Was that “Andy Rooney Goes to Washington”? I vaguely recall two specials like that before he started the 60 Minutes gig, which was based on the style he used.

I also remember enjoying them, although I’ve long forgotten any details.