Who Would Jesus Blitz?

Touchdown Jesus is 1-2 so far this season (Notre Dame football).

I have been possessed by the demon known as Brad. But not as much as I’d like.

Best way to confront a demon? Over a mocha grande latte.

Do demons haunt houses? As certified realtors I’d say yes.

How can anyone in the 21st cent still believe in demons? You haven’t met Brad.

Why are so many Christians paralyzed mentally and emotionally by demonic powers? Beats me. Why are so many Christians paralyzed mentally and emotionally by demonic powers? And also chocolate. And Big Macs.

Why is deliverance ministry so often portrayed as a “circus” by the media? I have no idea.

Identifying the fight: The world, the flesh, or the devil? Must we choose? See above re Brad.

What does it mean to be demon possessed? It means never having to say you’re sorry. So long a one’s un-demon other doesn’t get hold of one’s cell phone bill or starts to wonder about overnight trips to DC or fall getaways to Cape Cod. Have I mentioned that I’m planning a fall getaway to Cape Cod? I plan to get a lot of work done. And plus long walks on the beach.

BTW. The boy in the red jersey, where exactly is his left hand?

@Benedick: Right where the priests want it.

@nojo: Is this what is meant by ‘communion’?

And also, Jesus wrestles, right? With demons, Satan, yadda yadda. I think we need to know more about wrestler Jesus. Did he have a core workout plan? What exactly did he wear? I’m thinking sweat-soaked loin-cloth wrestling for top. I could ask Brad. If he’d stop ducking my calls. Who does he think he is? Johnny Earle?

Who was Jesus’ favored opponents: Matthew? Mark? Steve Reeves? Mary Magdelen? I’m thinking Galilee Shore. Jews with six-packs. Butts you could bounce a shekel off. Snooki as the Whore of Babylon. Or Atlantic City. Same thing.

Yes, I do have some time on my hands. Thanks for noticing. I’ve spent the day kamikaze weeding so everything is mostly a blur.

Speaking of Satan…went in today for a colonoscopy. As it happens, the prep isn’t the worst part. Waking up to find yourself in atrial fibrillation is. My heart freaked out and I’ve been admitted to the hospital so they can get my heartbeat regulated. And since I had an episode of arrhythmia in my 20s, I’m sure my insurance company will deny coverage for pre-existing condition.

How can anyone living in the 21st century still believe in the reality of demons and the ability to attack people?

I’ll take “mental illness” for $1000, Alex – with a side of “complete and utter fucktardation”.

Seriously – I’m infinitely less concerned with the “oppression” from “unseen spiritual forces and sources” than I am with the same from QUITE VISIBLE elements of the Christian Taliban.

@Benedick: Not sure where I saw it the other day, but there’s a very serious Butch Jesus movement out there — not merely playing off the fact he was a carpenter, but implying that he spent some quality time at the gym.

It’s all very Greek: If we don’t like the gods as given, we’ll just adjust to taste.

Deliverance ministry? WTF? Does it involve banjos?

@Benedick: You remember Steeve Reeves? I watched a lot of sword-and-sandals epics as a kid.

@Mistress Cynica: Darling, darling, darling!

I’ve had three and had nothing but pleasant experiences. And a certain amount of bleeding.

I’m so thinking of you.

@nojo: Pictures please. Of course he wasn’t a carpenter. He was a lawyer/dental surgeon!

@Dodgerblue: Would you like to talk about this? Apart from gladiator movies do you like movies about turkish prisons?

First it’s Steve Reeves then it’s Garland.

BTW it’s “whom”, not “who”. And yes, the comma and period should go outside of the quotation marks because “whom” and “who” are the names of words, not the named words, and the names don’t have punctuation in them.

@Benedick: Well, I was more interested in the heroine, aka Cleavage Mountain, than whatever beefcake in sandals was waving his sword around. And I don’t understand the Judy Garland thing. Or Bette Davis, for that matter.

@Dodgerblue: Watch the clip. And particularly look out for Swanee. A marvel of song, staging, performance, design. As for Bette Davis… I might have to come over there and slap you. Otherwise Mr. Skeffinton. She was not a great actress but an incomparable movie star.

Of course. We all liked the cleavage. Naturally. Uh huh. The cleavage. Meanwhile, here’s some Steve Reeves to curl up with.

@Mistress Cynica: Thinking of you baby. If the insurance company gives you a lick of trouble, I think you need to enlist Flying Chainsaw to be your agent and deal with them.

@Mistress Cynica: Oh my gosh! I hope you’re OK!

P.S. Demand satisfaction (from the pharmacist)!

@Dodgerblue: I just saw All About Eve yesterday, and it is magnificent. I also strongly recommend Bette Davis’s ferocious performance in Jezebel. She took a huge number of career risks and was willing to play daring, unflattering characters, which showed tremendous courage for someone in her career.

@Benedick: My iPad won’t play these clips. I’ll crank them up at work tomorrow. My wife and I just saw The Letter with Bette Davis, a flagrantly racist movie in which she played a very disagreeable character.

@¡Andrew!: I’ve seen both. Good movies, but she doesn’t light me up.

@Benedick: The little meth head is fisting Jesus’ asshole and will run down the park and charge every kid $1 to sniff his hand when he done with the Lord and Savior. Then he will get an award from Junior Achievement for his entrepreneurial spirit and hand job from a Young Republican who will have to hunt the kid down with battery operated power tools (charged to a RNC account) when he goes to the press with his story. That boy is what America is all about.

@Dodgerblue: Her transformation through Mr. Skeffington is pretty shocking. As Benedick mentioned, she was a rare performer who could be both an incredible actress and a movie star.

@Mistress Cynica:
Yikes. Hope everything settles down.

Good to hear that the colon is fine.

@SanFranLefty: The Saw hungers for revenge in the name of Earth-Walking Stinque Goddess Cynica. Are you sure that the insurer has those records? Or that Oregon allows random denial of coverage for stuff that happened over 5 years ago?

@Dodgerblue: I should add that “I’ve always wanted to see the Chinese quarter” is one of my favorite all-time movie quotes, so I guess the real problem is that I’m a racist : (

@Dodgerblue: But srsly, the Bette Davis worship may also be a strong whoaman + ghey man thing.

@FlyingChainSaw: I’m sure the insurance company will say that since Mistress Cynica’s heart went pitter-pat back at the 7th grade dance in 19– when she saw the cute short stop from the 8th grade baseball team, she has a pre-existing heart condition. Oil and gas up the chainsaw, our favorite librarian is going to need you!

@¡Andrew!: My wife strongly disagrees with me re Bette Davis.

@SanFranLefty: We will make the insurer beg for mercy.

@Dodgerblue: I can’t wait to watch for you and Chain Saw do the two-fer on the insurance agent, with Benedick trailing with a bon mot and me with a shovel. I shudder to think what a couple of bad-ass Philly chicks like JNOV and baked would do to the insurance person who hassled our Cynica.