After Rick Perry famously declared Social Security a Fonzie Scheme, we couldn’t help but agree — Social Security is a broken jukebox that we’ve been kicking for years, but for the younger kids coming into the malt shop, sooner or later, it’s not gonna work.

Hold on. Richie Cunningham is elbowing us in the ribs.

Ponzi Scheme? Oh. Right.

Well, since our premise has completely collapsed, there’s nothing left but to cut to commercial welcome you to Yet Another GOP Debate Open Thread/Shark Jump. Be nice, or we’ll disappear you faster than Richie’s older brother.


@nojo: Found, thanks. Bathroom break now, or wait until Bachmann speaks?

@Dodgerblue: Last time, the big fireworks were in the first fifteen minutes. Can your bladder hold out?

The CNN opening comes off like we’re about to watch a primetime talent show. Which is about right.

And from NORTH CAROLINA…. at guard, 6-6… Michael… Jordan!!

Crazy Eyes looks frumpy. This is not good.

Wait: national anthem? What in the hell? I was kinda kidding with the Bulls’ pre-game deal. Ooof.

As long as no one has a Raygun drinking game, no one will die during this debate… except of boredom.

Lip-syncing the National Anthem: Mittens, Santorum, Huntsman.

Hating themselves when they see the replay: Everybody else.

Jim Cornelison (designated tenor for Blackhawks games at the United Center) at yesterday’s Bears game had an anthem 100x better than that. Youtube it. You won’t be disappointed

Candidate introductions up next. Where’s Bob Eubanks when you need him?

We’ve now wasted ten minutes without a question. Good show, CNN!

Oh, and Crazy-Eyes doesn’t trot out the “ONE TERM PRESIDENT!!!1!” line in her blurb. Poor.

I’m not looking forward to the bathing-suit round.

The United States made a promise to me too, bitch.

Black Eagle stole munnie. So says Michelle.

Eight candidates, one massive senior-citizen blowjob.

@nojo: SEXIST!

Meanwhile, The Great Rick Perry Walkback goes, well, not so good.

Regarding expectations, you have to be very young for Social Security to change without screwing you over. Like, under 30. Or maybe even 25. By 35 or 40, it’s built into your planning.

Boy, they killed J.M. Keynes. Now Perry’s coming for FDR’s sorry ass. Truman: watch your back.

Rick and Mittens are losing points by admitting they read books.

Ron Paul: I’ll be long dead by the time my Social Security plan screws you young people.

Does Paul always sound like an angry old man?

Herman Cain: Private accounts! Private accounts!

And three years ago, who would be screaming for the government to make up the difference in those private accounts?

God, I love Herman Cain. So unaware of Latin America, he might not know that Banana Republic means anything other than trendy clothing.

Boy, the red meat is coming thick and fast now.

Oh, and while we’re giving you Young People all those wonderful options, don’t forget that you still need to fund my poverty-ridden old age.

@nojo: Why does Perry keep puffing his chest out?

Santorum: “I have a track record of courage.” Google it!

@Dodgerblue: To make up for the fact he’s three inches shorter than Mittens.

Gingrich reminds me of my uncle. And (tho’ I love the guy), I wouldn’t want him running a dishwasher, much less the nation.

Ummmm, folks? Obamacare is private-sector healthcare.

Santorum is a whiner, isn’t he?

Wolfie is doing a good job.

Santorum whining about government knowing better than [us] how to run our lives. Again: total lack of self-awareness.

@Dodgerblue: I must admit, this is a lively debate. Making up for the slow opening.

I’m with Ron Paul on this: bring the troops home.

What happened to Bachmann’s hair?

Crazy Eyes: Remember me? I used to be somebody.

@Dodgerblue: Ron Paul is the bishop on the chessboard. He keeps cutting diagonally.

@Dodgerblue: Bad dye job? It looks several shades lighter.

@nojo: When he says something rational, you can just hear the over-the-top stuff trying to get out.

@mellbell: Maybe it’s the shellac she brushed on. And she’s tiny — Michelle O could totally post her up.

Huntsman is looking like he wants to play in the crazy pool, but doesn’t know quite how.

How much of the Stimulus was devoted to tax cuts?


All of them – duh. Government guarantees are a standard part of every dumbass privatization scheme. It’s “heads I win, tails you lose” for GS and friends.

If the drawstring on Rick Perry’s back breaks, what happens? Does he have a spare in his go-bag?

Wait, wait — did Crazy Eyes just mention a free-trade agreement? I thought those were bad.

Did Bachmann just propose a zero income tax rate?

Note to teabaggers: “Entrepreneur” is French.

@Dodgerblue: Because then all those offshore 50-cent-an-hour jobs will come back.

@Dodgerblue: For corporations, yes.

It will bring revenue back to our shores through repatriation of assets, somehow.

Boeing decision from the NLRB? How many viewers know what that is?

Mittens is like that Homeless Announcer Guy that everybody fawned over this year.

Mittens: I’ll acquire the U.S. in a leveraged buyout and fire all your asses.

Kudos to whoever did the seating chart. The two-shots with Mittens/Rick or Paul/Rick are great.

I’m going on vacation to Canada this week. I’m now dubbing the adventure “The Dry Run.”

Rick: Also freedom from death-penalty appeals.

Newt’s problem: Anything he claims for his years as Speaker can be credited to Bubba’s years as President.

I kinda like Cain. He’s like one of those crazy guys you meet on a bus.

Cain: I know how to be “pro-worker” because I ran the National Restaurant Association. I’m sure restaurant employees nationwide would agree.

Let the private sector work its magic? Like on Wall St in 2008, John?

Huntsman: Who am I? What am I doing here?

ExxonMobil: Our fracking is good fracking.

@Dodgerblue: Did you catch Perry slip in “and Wall Street” after something about “helping small business owners”?

Two questions from the audience, four chins.

@mellbell: Yep. Now we’re onto “sound money.” Isn’t that code for the gold standard?

Santorum: America wants manufacturing jobs. But do Americans?

The problem with Bachmann? Not enough crazy. It worked earlier this year, but that moment has passed.

Let’s fire those damned Jews at the Federal Reserve. And kick those Jewish trial lawyers outta Texas.

Dear Michelle,

Look up what “enabling act” means before using the term, please.

Thank You,


PS Just say you would execute Ben Bernanke already, geez.

Huntsman: If only we fixed our tax code, corporations wouldn’t need lobbyists.

Newt bashes ethanol. Hello, Iowa!

Watching an episode of Top Gear for the third time instead of the debate, and I’m a better person for it.

I thought that we were in favor of 0% taxation for corporations. Isn’t GE a corporation?

Four questions from the audience, seven chins.

Mitt: No taxes on “middle class” capital gains. Who in the middle class owns stock that’s not stuffed in their 401(k)’s?


My response to that idea: yeah right. Like they wouldn’t just drop our skull-fucked body and switch to using lobbyists to try get legislation to zap their competitors….

Took a break for football. (NE 21:14 MIA, mid 3rd.) What did I miss?

On the Republican Beatles cover, Crazy Eyes is Ringo.

@chicago bureau: Pander, pander, pander, pander.

ADD: You also missed my third beer.

Rick, you can be bought for a glass of bourbon.

Rick: “If you think I can be bought for $5,000, I’m offended.”

Note: Not a denial.

Little girls
Little girls
Everywhere I turn I can see them

Little girls
Little girls
Night and day
I eat, sleep and breathe them

I’m an ordinary woman
With feelings
I’d like a man to nibble on my ear
But I’ll admit no man has bit
So how come I’m the mother of the year?

Bachmann comes loaded for bear on HPV. That one fucking landed, Perry’s whine notwithstanding.

Forget the silliness of this fight, and Perry’s “I protect life” nonsense. The other tea partiers are going to start ganging up on Rick, if they haven’t already.

Mittens: If we only screwed patients more, they’d pay more attention to healthcare costs.

Rick’s right. He can’t be bought for $5000. The $30m he just referenced is his entry-level. Don’t lose sight of that.

Obama cut Medicare! Obama cut Medicare!

Ummm, folks? He cut those unnecessary expenses you’re all bitching about.

Also: How long since Ron Paul has seen a patient?

Ron Paul: Before Medicare, “we never turned anybody away from the hospital.”

And then you did. And then we passed a law about that.

Bachmann just went deep, but underthrew her receiver.

Former AIPAC lobbyist Wolf: Up next, “How to stop Iran from building a nuclear weapon.”

Dodgeball: teabagger asks, point blank, for deportation. Santorum first up.

How soon before anybody mentions that Obama has set a record for deportations? Yeah, I thought so.

@chicago bureau: Teabagger from Cincy. Because Ohio is suffering from everybody hopping the fence.

@Dodgerblue: I love it when Lambo and Ferrari take out the radio, the carpets, the door handles, the A/C to save weight, then charge you 50k more because it’s the leggera model.

Speaking as a quarter-wop, let me say Fuck you, Santorum.

Santorum coming for Perry on in-state tuition. Wonder how long, if ever, he can withstand the nibbles at his record. (Smattering of boos for Perry’s defense. This is a canary in a coalmine.)

@nojo: Perry goes to his left on immigration. Surprising.

@Dodgerblue: Immigration is to Perry as the mandate is to Romney: He might as well face it, since there’s no avoiding it.


Ah. Huntsman has finally shown up. Calling Rick Perry a traitor. Your move, Rick.

Seriously — that might be Crazy Play Of The Day.

Rick Perry is fucked for being momentarily compassionate.

@nojo: Perry is taking some shots to the nuts from the nuts tonight.

Ninety minutes in, Huntsman is suddenly remembering his attack lines.

@Dodgerblue: Perry is almost sounding like the Demrat he once was.

@mellbell: Rick is getting grief for not hating brown people and for wanting to stick little girls. He is trying to reframe the issues but the others aren’t giving up.

I love hearing people from Minnesota bitch about illegal immigration.

Newt: Is Rudy here? No? Then I’ll grab the 9/11 flag.

Ron Paul: Military is not Defense. If only he wasn’t so batshit crazy.

Santorum: It’s irresponsible for Ron Paul to speak the truth of 9/11.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the state of Republican Politics in 2011: Ron Paul is the reasonable candidate.

Ron Paul speaking the truth about the causes for 9/11, and getting booed for it.

@nojo: have you SEEN Manitobans? They want to destroy the Upper Midwest. Manitoba only has to be right once. NEVER FORGET.

Huntsman: “When we start shining again, it’s going to help the women of Afghanistan.” Dude. No, really: Dude.

Oh, this “what would they add to the White House” question is going to be AWESOME.

@chicago bureau: On the other hand, dope-loving Cascadia incorporates Oregon, Washington and British Columbia.

General observation: This debate has been fucking awesome.

@nojo: In a night of weirdness, I really couldn’t believe that one.

Aflac note: Gilbert Gottfied has left the building. Or, rather, been escorted out.

Nobody but Ron Paul would drop Austrian economics.

Santorum: new bedroom
Gingrich: kick out czars, bring in chess set
Paul: common sense, Austrian economics
Perry: the missus
Romney: Churchill bust
Bachman: old paper
Cain: sense of humor
Huntsman: his Hog

Aaaaaaand… scene.

I’ve never been prouder to be an American voting for a sellout Democrat.

But wait! There’s more! Bailiff John King interviews the participants.

Postgame: Crazy Eyes keeps harping on little girls.

i missed it last night by accident, i missed it tonight on purpose.
can’t decide which one i liked the most.

@chicago bureau: And… scene scene. Crazy Eyes gets a free late hit, but nobody else.

@baked: The smell of desperation is fun. And nice to see you’ve survived the various Wraths of God.

Reading this is so much better than watching. Thanks to those of you who took the hit for the rest of us.

@Mistress Cynica: Amen, sister.

@nojo: Ron Paul *AND* Tom Coburn are OB/GYNs. You couldn’t pay me enough money to let either of them get within 30 feet of my twat. Ladies?

Shit, over on Balloon Juice they’re reporting that Sully is reporting that , people shouted “yeah” when Wolf Blitzer asked if we should let uninsured people die from lack of access to health care!

How did you guys miss that?

UPDATE: Well … apparently the question was about someone who could afford health insurance but didn’t buy it. But even still …

What a bunch of bloodthirsty sons-of-bitches.

Also, too, does this mean these audience members are in favor of the mandate?

@SanFranLefty: Good lord, no. I can only imagine how patronizing they were to their patients. In addition to being icky.

@Dodgerblue: That’s who I want moderating this fucking thing: the guy on the MUNI bus with the Motherfucker T-shirt.

@Mistress Cynica: Tom Coburn got some complaints filed with the Oklahoma Medical Board because he seemed to have a pattern of oh-so-helpfully sterilizing black and brown wimmen when they already had 3 kids when he was delivering babies or performing C-Sections on them.

Meanwhile, speaking of brown women/Department of Lady Bits, holy fucking shit. Thank Nick Kristof for posting this on his FB feed and getting attention to this woman who had the misfortune of being on a plane yesterday while brown.

@SanFranLefty: That 9/11 story is appalling. Didn’t see the Kristoff link on the new, most-fucked-up-yet facebook feed.

Fucking Broncos.

Sorry I missed all this. I was a KMart buying an iron (a retro 70s Black and Decker model) then I remembered that the truck we’re loaning to a guy who quit his job to study novel writing does not have a jack, so it was off to Wal-Mart at that point. Orton’s days are numbered if they lose tonight. Hung out with Mrs RML.

On the road again tomorrow to Navajoland.

Add a Comment
Please log in to post a comment