Hacked is the New Black.

Britain’s slebs are up in arms over who’s been hacked and, even worse, who hasn’t. Even dayplayers on the Eastenders don’t want to be left out.

Being on the list might be embarrassing: not being on the list might be professional death. Luckily, one of England’s loveliest slebs, Katy Perry, is already talking to lawyers (note: the English say ‘solicitor’ so exactly what does this tell us about Miss Perry’s intended audience? E.T.?) and the pleece.

English gels were once famous for their complexions: a result of all that rain, lack of sunlight, and nanny’s habit of rubbing baby’s piss-soaked nappy (diaper) over her face before it had a chance to cool. As you can see, Miss Perry is doing her bit to bring the delicacy of the English Rose into the 21st century. And has added a charming innovation of her own: rubbing lumps of coal across her eyebrows.

As an exile, living here amid the alien corn, it brings a lump to one’s throat as Rupert Brooks’s immortal line bubbles to the surface of what’s left of one’s brain:

And is there honey still for tea?


Dude, Katie Perry’s an American. Katy Price is from Over There.

@redmanlaw: Damn. I blame my staff. I know nothing. I wasn’t there. No one told me. How was I supposed to know? I thought the image was a bit pretty to be english Katy. If they didn’t look alike this would never have happened. It’s her fault. This is the most humble day of my life. I have betrayed your trust. Somehow I will try to make this up to you. All I can say is I’m sorry. And it’s totally not my fault. Totally.

@Benedick HRH KFC: She’s married to a Brit. I’m sure that’s where you got confused. It’s always the girl’s fault.

@Benedick HRH KFC: Please tell me you made up the nappy business.

@redmanlaw: Damnit, RML. Why’d you have to go and reclaim that girl? We almost got rid of her.

Did she borrow that belt from Aaron Schock?

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