That Trick Never Works

Bristol Palin’s memoirs are out Friday — she’s 20, why do you ask? — and the dirt is flying:

The most biting words in the book are reserved for Johnston, Palin’s high school boyfriend and the father of her 2-year-old son, Tripp. Palin was drunk on wine coolers when she lost her virginity to Johnston while camping. She writes that she “didn’t know that girly flavored wine coolers were just as likely to get you drunk as the hard stuff.”

Speaking of the hard stuff, you know what knocks you up?

But, Palin writes, they soon became intimate again and she got pregnant with their son shortly after. She writes that she was taking birth control pills at the time to treat menstrual cramps; she went through eight home pregnancy tests before she was convinced of the positive results.

Bristol really must be a Very Special Child, if WebMD can be believed: “Women take the pill by mouth to prevent pregnancy, and when taken correctly, is up to 99.9% effective.”

So, now that we know that Bristol is one in a thousand, let’s skip to the Blessed Event:

Even when Tripp was born, according to Palin, Johnston’s hands-off attitude persisted. She writes that “doctors tried to hand Levi the scissors to cut the cord but he backed away. He said it was too gross, an odd statement since he’s been able to field dress a moose with one arm tied behind his back.”

Which is, you must admit, a fascinating comparison. Because unless we’re mistaken, when you field dress a moose, the moose is dead.

Bristol Palin Reveals True Feelings About the McCains, ‘Dancing With the Stars,’ Levi Johnston and More [ABC]

The bc pills prescribed to regulate your cycle and alleviate cramps and acne are usually a low dose not intended to prevent pregnancy, which the prescribing doctor certainly tells you. So, very special indeed.

These “birth control” pills could have been TicTacs for all we know. She is a Palin. Gotta assume stupid unless otherwise proven.

@finette: I’m no gynecologist, but I don’t think that’s quite right. All birth control pills are intended to prevent pregnancy, but some women on high-dose birth control experience negative side effects (worsening of menstrual cramps, for example) and are thus prescribed l0w-dose birth control to alleviate those side effects. It may be that the rate of effectiveness goes down slightly as the dose is lowered, but not to the point that it would no long be considered an effective means of birth control.

Man, when they asked me if I wanted to cut my brother’s cord, I took one look at that gnarly thing and was like, “Er. No thanks.” I’d seen c-sections and vaginal deliveries (I used to hang out on an L&D ward), but my brother’s umbilical cord was some kinda nasty.

@mellbell: Agreed. Certain drugs can fuck up the pill’s efficacy, like if Bristol was on antibiotics to treat the clap or, more likely, late-stage syphilis.

@mellbell: There’s also the key phrase “when taken correctly”. Who wants to bet little missy thang wasn’t all that diligent?

If she was on them in the first place…I’m betting on P&P.

Oh, hell, Ryan Dunn. West Chester hates these guys, but still.

According to this web site, wine coolers most definitely are not likely to get you as drunk as “the hard stuff.”

Isn’t that cute! Bristol is just like her mother — refusing to take responsibility for her own actions. That’s right, it was the liquor that made her pull her pants down and spread her legs.

Also, too, where was she getting the wine coolers? Stealing them from mom?

Nojo, you didn’t include the part of the first quote about losing her virginity where she said that she drank said coolers, passed out, didn’t remember a thing and when she woke up Levi had split.

If she was truly that incapacitated, that wasn’t consent, and she just called him a rapist. Ironic that her mother as governor made rape victims pay for their own rape kits. Hope Bristol’s attorneys realize how much she just hung him out to dry with that defamatory accusation, and they can back it up, even if he’s a public figure and there’s a lesser standard.

And if she wasn’t really that incapacitated, then she put about the most damaging thing you can say about another person (even Levi), and she lied about what happened to preserve the dominant narrative of the Christian right/abstinence only crowd that only sluts “prepare” to have sex or want to have sex, and she was just swept awake with drunken passion.

Take your pick of options. Neither is good.

And of course there was this gem that summed up all of them:

Bristol says she and Levi used condoms, but she got knocked up anyway. Levi’s reaction when she broke the news — “Better be a f**king boy.”

Bristol goes on to say Levi cheated on her constantly, coming home drunk, with hickeys on his neck. She says she finally ended things when Levi told her he got another girl pregnant and that Levi named the child Bentley, which was her first choice when they were naming Tripp.


@finette: @mellbell: @Mistress Cynica: I think all of you are right. My understanding is that with the really low-dose pills, if you miss more than one day or don’t take them every 24 hours you’re fucked for the month.

@SanFranLefty: Yeah I saw that and thought she just put him in big trouble. She’s also really classy about the McCains, defining Cindy and Megan by the amount of Louis Vuitton luggage they tote – no doubt wishing she had the same. As spiteful as her mother.

Wine coolers, my ass!. Beer and Extasy!

@Dodgerblue: You know he calls the little guy “Zamboni”, anyway.

@Dodgerblue: Levi’s sister’s name is Mercede (no s), so there’s a precedent in the Johnston family.

Maybe they would have named the kid Lexus if it had been a girl, as I’m sure the Portia/Porsche distinction probably confused them. (That and they probably pronounce Porsche as one syllable).

@SanFranLefty: I’m surprised the sister isn’t named Crystal, as in meth.

@Dodgerblue: or oxy

@SanFranLefty: remember otto in “fish called wanda” thinking john cleeses charachters daughter portia was named after a car.

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