Herman Cain’s Constitution Offers Custom Toppings

While we were all awaiting the Rapture — say, how’d that work out? — former pizza magnate Herman Cain formally announced his candidacy for Preznit:

We don’t need to rewrite the Constitution of the United States of America, we need to reread the Constitution and enforce the Constitution… And I know that there are some people that are not going to do that, so for the benefit of those who are not going to read it because they don’t want us to go by the Constitution, there’s a little section in there that talks about “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”

Oops! But hey, we took Herman’s advice and found something in the Constitution that says “three fifths of all other Persons”. What’s that about?

Lecturing Americans To ‘Reread’ Constitution, Herman Cain Confuses It With Declaration of Independence [ThinkProgress]

Who would know about the constitution? Con Law Prof or Pizza Execubot?

Plus, his pizza is for crap. Which of course is the bigger sin.

The Obama (Chic.) vs. Cain (Atl.) comparison works well here, too.

Back at the Rapture, Brother Harold didn’t show up for work today, but says he’ll speak to the issue on his broadcast tonight.

No, I’m not tuning in. I’m not that obsessed. I’ll wait for the recap.

Yoo hooo. I am in heaven. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be. For one thing there is a major laundry issue. And plus the shit. Like everyone and his grammie brought dogs/cats/parakeets/pigmy hamsters, voles, etc. That’s a lot of shit. Right now we’re shoveling it over to Satan but he’s pretty pissed. Who knew dogshit clogged the lakes o’fire? He’s all like, Do you pay the gas bills? No? Then get your scrawny ass poodle out of the hellfire. That don’t come cheap since Iraq destabilized oil prices.

@Benedick HRH KFC: Did you get into a Pearly Gated Community, or are you stuck in a Rapture Trailer?

You know what’s good? Viennese pizza. It’s indescribably yummy. With all kinds of herby meaty (not me) cheesy (up to a point) herby toppings. And fab matsohish crust of light flakey deliciousness. With a glass of good Austrian pilzner?

You people think mercan crap sludge on grease dough is worth money need to get your ass to Europe. Leave Pizza Hut to Mississippi where it belongs.

@nojo: I am so chosen. Wifi is shit and my agent is pretending he doesn’t know me. Jesus is all kinds of like ‘I am risen” while the Holy Ghost is playing Scrabble with the newbies.

@Benedick HRH KFC: How I got stuck here I will never know. Probably something to do with the assless chaps.

@Tommmcatt Be Fat, And That Be That: And the pole dancing. While I have spent my life doing good for others and explaining to young men in gas stations about musical theatre, motel wrestling and spanking. I think it’s pretty clear which one of us would be ruptured.

Hey!! You can’t have a Hawaiian pizza without pineapple!! You leave our down-under abuses of pizza alone!

(Hawaiian pizza = Ham & pineapple)

And yes, I have chicken with my Hawaiian pizza, what of it?

@CheapBoy: I actually quite enjoy pineapple and Canadian bacon on my cheese & dough. But I’ve been knocked for it so often, I’m forced to adopt the opposing view in public.

@nojo: Bah! Let those heathens suffer in ignorance about the sweet, sweet, joy of pineapple & ham on a pizza.

And I am just as biased about beetroot being in a salad sandwich!!

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