Fourth Annual Celebration of HORSIES!

Yes, yes — here we are again.  For the fourth year running (three years on Stinque proper, with the first event happening at another place), it is the Kentucky Derby Open Thread.

First of all, this must be said: you want silly hats, Princess Beatrice?  Come get some.

You go to a royal wedding wearing felt-covered moose antlers, attached to a toilet seat.  On your damn head. But it can barely be called a “hat.”  You had to come up with a new name for it.  A “fascinator.”  Honey, please — the only thing fascinating about it was that it was lumped into the general category of “hats.”  That was not a hat.  THIS, RIGHT HERE, IS A HAT.  It is securely attached to the head by wrapping itself around the skull, and is not simply pinned to your forehead.  It protects (amply) the head from the heat and ultraviolet rays of the sun.  THIS IS A HAT.

So, anyway, the race.  19 horses will go.  It’s usually 20, but the favorite — Uncle Mo — was scratched because of a stomach bug.  Which made this race much more difficult to handicap.  The Derby is always impossible to pick with any sort of intelligence; all the horses are good, and most are more than capable of winning, even at extremely long odds.  Top picks, as of this draft, look like Dialed In (from the 4 post) and Nehro (19), both of whom hang back off the pace and close at the end.  But who the hell knows.

Several notables besides these two: Twice The Appeal (3) will have Calvin Borel, America’s Favorite Cajun, in the irons.  His M.O. is riding the rail, and that’s where he will start.  There are no horses this time who have ladybits, but one jockey who does — Anna Napravnik is up on Pants On Fire (7).  Mucho Macho Man (13) has a female trainer who is coming off — wait, wait — a heart transplant.  Devotion, yes?

And so: ALL RISE FOR THE DEGENERATE GAMBLER NATIONAL ANTHEM. (Doo-doo doo-doo-doot, doo-doo-doot, doo-doo-doo-dooooooot…..)


A further note on handicapping — you never really know. Walked into the OTB a bit early and put a $4 flutter down without thinking about it, putting an exacta bet on two horses at good odds. And it hit for $112. And that was after about 3 minutes of pure-ass guessing.

With my found money, we got some closers. $5 win on Brilliant Speed (2), $5 win on Derby Kitten (9), and $5 exacta box (that’s top two horses, any order) with those two plus Nehro (19). With the $40 staked, I’m still ahead on the day. But, again: who the hell knows?

The OH is watching as I type, racing fiend that he is.

I think ‘fascinator’ might be an Edwardian term. I seem to remember it from somewhere. You either wear it on your head or stuff it down your trousers. Either way it’s all good.

(Hands up all you clever clogs who know why we wear creases down our trousers. No google)

Also, speaking of fascinators, remind me to tell you about Casanova’s GF (15 at the time) who was pretending to be a castrato (don’t ask) and had a glue on penis (rolled chamois, starch and water) so that when she got to a new town the priest could feel her up to make sure she was male – womens not being allowed to pollute the stages of most Eytie cities back then – and the priests did feel her up. I know: plus ça change. Anyhoo, it’s a great story. Involves him pestorking both of her younger sisters, 12 and 11, and coming very close with her brother, 14. Cas was in his 20s) In my opinion (in other words, this is how it is), his Histoire de Ma Vie is one of the most remarkable books you can imagine. 12 volumes. This is the book Proust couldn’t write on account of he’d never done anything worth writing about. Is it pron? Is it fiction? Is it fact? I don’t know. But if you need any tips on how to set up a secret love-nest with a Venetian nun – Casanova’s your man.

And plus – forget any fictional account you’ve seen. They’re all tripe.

And extra plus – his account of getting fucked by a Turk is pretty lively.

WTF is that rolled red stuff? Horse meat?

@Benedick: rolled red things are roses, as in Run For The ~.

@chicago bureau: Darling, those are not roses. They might be road kill. Or liver. Or pastrami. But not roses.

You have seen a rose?

@chicago bureau: And its lesser-known cousin, the Lilies for the Fillies.

@Benedick HRH KFC: You’re talking about the garland? Or the hat?

@mellbell: Hat. I also hazard that’s not a real chin.

Was it really necessary for the correspondent to be sitting astride a horse as she gave her report?

I believe Ice-T called it. Or not. Someone in the celebrity montage did, though!

Yeah, just like I said. Nobody here was talking Animal Kingdom before the race. The South Side OTB just kinda threw up their hands in disgust. Such is life.

Hell of a stretch run, though. Silly hats off to him.

You all gotta listen to this song. Too stoned to make a pretty link.

ADD: Portal 2 Spoiler Alert

@Tommmcatt Be Fat, And That Be That: Oh. I thought you said pronated. That would not be good. Believe me. Hugs, baby. Don’t look down there. It’s all squoosh. Texas gonna make many women do that.

Your song, baby doll. (Str8s can check out while we homos commune in our language of affection, man to man). We have breath, And cords. And we sing over the cords. And we shape the sound in our echoing cavities. And we do life. I can’t cope with manufactured voices. They make me want to beat the pug. It’s all so beguiling, and pretty good lyrics, but I need sweat and spit on the orchestra. I need temperament and sweat pads. And two-show cooze.

@Benedick HRH KFC: It’s actually the love song of an immortal Artificial Intelligence as the human test subject it has been torturing for years escapes forever.

It’s the credit roll after one of the best science-fiction video games in history.

@Benedick HRH KFC:

Actually not a manufactured voice – just a very talented performer *pretending* to be a manufactured voice. I haven’t downloaded Portal 2 yet, as I know it’s going to make it impossible to do anything *else* until I’ve gotten through it. The first one was epic, tho.

@al2o3cr: If it’s recorded it’s not a real voice. @Tommmcatt Be Fat, And That Be That: Ditto. Just my quirque. But once you set up a mic, set levels, set reverb, it’s no longer real. It can be all kinds of wonderfulness but it ain’t real.

Just watched the replay. I can’t watch live in case something bad happens to a horsie. Had I been betting, I’d have gone with Shackleford for the name. I have a thing for Antarctic explorers.

@Benedick HRH KFC: A few years ago in NYC, my daughter and I got last-minute seats to Urinetown that were so close in, the actors were spitting over our heads. I’ll be in NYC for a couple of days next week; she is encouraging me to go see Book of Mormon, about which I know nothing.

@Dodgerblue: I’ve heard many good things about The Book of Mormon, but that was mainly from exmos. I think some nevermos really digged it, too — I’m not sure how much you need to know about Mormonism to enjoy it.

happy fucking mothers day. can i do something fun today? can i see my child and grandchild? no, i cannot.
one of the oh so many reasons for the ever presence of the black dog is my back. i have a pinched sciatic nerve–stop me if i’ve kvetched too much about this–which means i can’t put a scuba tank on my back or RIDE A HORSE, one of the great passions of my life. i didn’t even watch, i’m too bitter. NURSE!!!
woke up to a wrapped gift by my bedside– a bottle of my favorite perfume–that i’ve been wearing for 15 years.
that guy really knows how to wow a girl….

@Benedick HRH KFC:

wait…what? my mother AND my father are gay men?

@Dodgerblue: It’s THE big hit in town and you’ll be lucky if you can get a ticket for many many months to come. It will win all the Tonys, if that’s a consideration, and will be produced around the world.

@baked: I guess you’re just lucky. (You’re not going out like that, are you? You couldn’t run a comb through your hair?)

@Benedick HRH KFC:
heehee…true story: my famous aunt sylvia once introduced me to a friend and added, …”excuse her, she combed her hair with an egg beater this morning.”
(this is the aunt, who at 82 decided to take up bridge and called the local bridge club. the woman she reached told her she was too old to learn anything that mentally challenging. aunt syl bid her a hearty Fuck You then went on to beat her in a tournament a few years later.) we just lost her a year ago well into her 9o’s, with a cig still in her mouth.
reminding me to ask you: did you take your pills this morning???

@baked: Sorry you can’t be with your babies today. But look on the bright side: at least he gave you your favorite perfume, not someone else’s.

@Mistress Cynica:
excellent point.
cyn, she still emails me, that crazy sabra whore. israel will never fall.

@Dodgerblue: I think I’ve seen one bad review complaining that it was potty-mouthed, and the songs weren’t as good as the South Park movie. (Yes. Both.) Everybody else loves it. Including current-mo’s who appreciate the inside jokes.

Re: The Book of Mormon, just discovered that First Listen is currently streaming the cast recording. I’m digging it so far.

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