The Stinque Guide to Phallic Civic Landmarks

One of the advantages of allowing Our Dear Scatterbrained Readers to stray off topic is that you never know what kind of perverse shit they’ll come up with. For example, a polite discussion Thursday about Sarah Palin’s surprising onset of verbal acuity suddenly morphed into nominations for America’s Most Phallic Civic Landmark.

As we were unfamiliar with most of the nominees — clearly we’ve led a sheltered life — we thought it expedient to line them all up for a Stinque Priapic Edifice Challenge. While everyone can agree that Size Matters, we think the most telling observation is this: Which would embarrass you the most around your mother?

And yes, everybody knows about the Washington Monument, which spends its days taunting the totally not gay Lincoln Memorial. We’re excluding that on account of obviousness.

With that out of the way, here are your nominees:

  • Coit Tower, San Francisco: It’s a firehose, dammit! Sure, you can relive your Journey of Conception by climbing up inside and peeking out the top, but it’s a firehose!
  • Sunsphere, Knoxville: Erected — yes, we had to say that once, contractual obligation — in 1982 for a World’s Fair, it later gained the nickname “Wigsphere”, in honor of a Simpsons episode where it’s turned into a wig warehouse. Why it doesn’t have a better nickname is a question to shame residents of the Marble City.
  • Centennial Park Flower Fountain, Holland, Michigan: We are reliably informed that the modest municipality of Holland is too polite to recognize its handsome squirter for what it is. But, like water, human nature will always find its way to the ocean.
  • Tower of the Americas, San Antonio: San Antonio has everything — a beautiful SewerWalk path, a set for a John Wayne movie, and a 750-foot priapus that spouts fireworks when you excite it.
  • Municipal Tower, Seattle: The Space Needle is too Jetsons for inclusion, but Here Come the Brides! for a stolid edifice that makes up with venting white steam what it lacks in conventional bulb-stem construction.

You may vote your favorite, or recommend further nominees, in the comments. If your edifice lasts more than four hours, call a doctor.


The CN Tower. It looks like a pecker with a toothpick jammed into the tip. And it happens to be the John Holmes of man made towers.

@ManchuCandidate: And, sadly, one of the few redeeming things I found in Toronto. Well, the Terra Cotta warriors exhibit was cool – and no line, unlike DC – but those prices? I’m not used to paying cash for museums.

ADD: Egypt is on fire. Literally.

The Firemen’s Hose wins! Or maybe the Hoover Memorial? I think you can see it from space.

Socialism for healthcare not museums.

Toronto’s a nice place to live in, but not to visit. Never got why touristas want to come to Toronto.

In Dallas, Texas, our homage to the phallus was erected in 1978, pre-dating the SunSphere in Knoxville. How come the Reunion Tower was not nominated?
Apologies for wikipedia link, but it has some damn fine photos of our pole.

One fact that should thrust Team Municipal Tower to the forefront is that the most stimulating meetings are held near the tip, right under the military helmet.

Speaking of enormous dicks:

The House GOP’s Plan to Redefine Rape

Every time I think the GOP has hit rock-bottom, I find out I was wrong.

@texrednface: Reunion Tower wasn’t nominated because I nominated the Tower of Americas – can’t have Texas totally dominating the field…

@al2o3cr: ugh.

Sadly, I couldn’t find any photos on the Googles of the Municipal Tower blowing billowing clouds of white steam sky high, which it has to do at least once a day or it gets really high-strung and grouchy.

@texrednface: Because there wouldn’t be no Texas if Davey Crockett and Sam Houston hadn’t got run outta Tennessee and volunteered to steal it from the Mexicans back in the day.

UCSB’s Storke tower is the tallest in the UC system (by a few inches) and is named for Thomas M. Storke, a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist and U.S. senator who resided in Santa Barbara and helped found UCSB.

He dedicated it to himself, and for a generation of students there it is fondly known as Storkes Last Erection.



I’ve been sitting here for several minutes trying to think of a local landmark that I could nominate, but I’m shooting drawing a blank. How is it that Phoenix has no phallis?

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: No dicks in PHX besides Arpaio and Quayle Jr.?
@Tengrain: UCSB, the most scenic college campus ever.

@SanFranLefty: Oh, there’s plenty more dicks where they came from (including the Asshole) but none made of concrete and steel.

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: Since DC’s best bet is apparently too obvious, I offer, begrudgingly, the runner-up.

@mellbell: The Washington Monument is Dog Humps Man. We’re looking for Man Humps Dog.

@Tengrain: I read that as “Stroke Tower”, which was automatically going to give it the win.

@¡Andrew!: I looked too, but the closest was a beauty shot with a wisp of cloud in the background. Settled instead for General Turgidness.

Laydees and jintilmin of the jury, may I present Exhibit C.

Your majesty, I rest my case.

All right, I have been out ranked and I admit the Tower of the Americas is older and longer than Reunion. I still can’t help feeling shafted by the omission. I pullout of this discussion.

@texrednface: Reenter. This post clearly requires a sequel.

I throw my hat to the Sunsphere. It reminds me of something I have seen in a catalogue that requires 2 AA bateries (not included).

File this whole thread under “Things I Never Imagined I’d Be Googling at Work.”

Team Municipal Tower is in it to win it.

@¡Andrew!: Oh, I don’t know, I think Coit Tower could come from behind and score.

For more than 50 years, the Capitol Building in Lincoln, Nebraska has been known as the “penis of the Prairies,” its golden dome visible for miles.

@stickler: penis of the Prairies

Now I have to post a sequel.

@stickler: Heh. But what about the Corn Cob Palace, the Cornhole of ND?

@stickler: I dunno, the Ypsilanti Water Tower might challenge the Nebraska Capitol Building for Penis of the Prairies honors.

¡Let’s not forget the Torre Agbar in Bar-tha-lona!

Size isn’t everything. Leakey (pronounced “lakey”) is a small town in the Texas Hill Country that has a water tower deserving of mention. We should perhaps be glad the town isn’t named Drippy.

Gotta go with the Ypsilanti Water Tower, no doubt. Every time we used to go from Detroit to Ann Arbor we’d pass it and anyone who hadn’t seen it before would do a double-take and “WTF??? Did anyone see that? Someone actually built that?”

@celiadexter: @mulebreath: I love that this post, of all random posts, is what is bringing out our lurkers!

I have been refraining from further making my case til now, but I can’t resist a little lobbying. Folks, feast your eyes on that stubby little beauty above that is the fountain in Holland, MI. Did it perhaps escape your notice that it’s shooting water out the tip? Further, please remember that when it’s not actually shooting off in the winter, the head is usually coated white thanks to snow. It’s not hard to raise up this nominee as the winner in a single stroke (cue rimshot button).

@SanFranLefty: Agreed. Welcome, lurkers! Now that you’ve popped the commenting cherry, we’ll be looking for more of your wise and witty contributions in the future!

Hello, new folks and lurkers! Please feel free to use and abuse the hamster.

ADD: I know it doesn’t look like a hamster, but that’s nojo’s avatar. We need to keep him in line the Habitrail wheel.

@SanFranLefty: I’m strongly considering a sequel next, oh, let’s make it Saturday. Saturday morning’s a good moment for this stuff. And then every Saturday following, as long as we have fresh nominations. And finally, once we’ve exhausted nominees, a Special Presentation.

Might have to expand to International selections — I saw a candidate in the background in Cairo yesterday, and a UPS commercial just offered another.

@nojo: Do you even read my SU reviews? :’-(

Mesa Verde checking in.

BTW, my Navajo clan is “The Towering House People.”

In re Ypsilanti Water tower:

An ordinance passed on April 14, 1898, established a yearly rate schedule. … A residence with one tap was charged $5.00; a private bathtub cost an additional $2.00. Saloon keepers paid $7.00 for one faucet, $3.00 for each additional faucet and $1.00 for each billiard table.

I’m not sure I want to know why.

@flippin eck: Torre Agbar hasn’t got anything spurting out but it’s a pretty strong erection.


1) What’s an SU?

2) A Major International Music Festival is keeping me hopping this weekend with database structural changes that affect online event listings that need to go live at 3pm PT.

I got it!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, make way for Frank Lloyd Wright. (Yeah, bitches, I’m breaking out the big dog.) This is a spire that was originally supposed to sit atop a FLW designed capitol building. The City of Scottsdale decided to erect the prick not too long ago at the corner of Frank Lloyd Wright Blvd and Scottsdale Road. Next to a shopping mall, of course.

@nojo: For the international division, I nominate the Swiss Re building in London.

@JNOV: That’s a hamster?!? I did not know that. I thought it was an eagle. Or some other kind of bird. I see it now, of course.

@nojo: StumbleUpon, Hamster.

@Benedick: I thought it was a turkey.

@JNOV: In an existential sense of course it is a turkey.

@Benedick: L’enfer est d’être coincé avec une dinde à huis clos.

@Dodgerblue: Yepper. I worked across the street on Little Santa Monica a block from the Staples. Sometimes school kids would cut across the grounds, and old dudes in golf carts would chase them. Good times.

I would like to suggest the following erection as the perfect symbol of a phallic tribute:

The LDS church office building in Salt Lake City is complete with the three standard columns of tissue–two corpora cavernosa flanking the center corpus spongiosum, representations of veins running along the entire shaft, and a pair of testicles (in the form of world globes) at the base of the penis.

But as a special treat, there is also a statue of Joseph Smith outside the church office building, representing the Mormon king of sexual conquest. And who really knows how many teenage girls and married women he nailed in his day?

@Eric: Welcome! As proof of his virility, I give you The JosSmithJr Sphinx. Yeah, it’s not exactly phallic, but you know.

@SanFranLefty: Yeah. He’d better get himself an avatar before Tomm takes his pants.

I don’t get it. If you want to look at dicks, there are plenty of places on the internet whee you can look at dicks. Why are you going to the trouble of searching the tubez for buildings that are symbols of dicks? Hell, just turn on the T.V! They broadcast symbolic dicks constantly nowadays. Just turn on Fox News or C-Span.

And for the record I vote Coit Tower.

Put your face on, Eric, before I send the special police.

@Tommmcatt is with Karin Marie on This One: It’s not the dicks you’re looking for, it’s the dicks you can’t avoid looking at.


So you guys are doing searches on the internet for images you are trying to avoid seeing. That makes even less sense.

@Tommmcatt is with Karin Marie on This One: Put your face on, Eric, before I send the special police.

His face is lovely, but what’s under his pants is luverly. Envy me.

I think I should get a commission.

@flippin eck: So long as we’re permitted a seconding of our own nominee, I must point out that the Old Post Office Pavilion has testes (I’m bad with architecture, but I believe they’re called dormers?) and pubes (most of the year, anyway).

@Tommmcatt is with Karin Marie on This One: Either I’m retarded, technologically inept, or I have a different “Stinque” page than everyone else, because I don’t see any place in my profile page where I am able to add a photo, or change the one that was given to me.

@karen marie has her eyes tight shut: Oh great! Yet another waste of time website that I have to register through, in order to be able to more effectively use this waste of time website.

@Eric: Oh, but it’s great — you can change your avatar to suit your mood! You’re going to love it!

Oh, wait … what?

@Eric: Ha! Bring the SNARK! It’s worth it, though. Pain in the ass at first, but then you get to do fun shit like steal other people’s avatars and impersonate them. DO IT! Seriously. Or Tomm will get you.

ADD: Or you can be a snowflake forever and drive Tomm nuts. That’s good, too.

@karen marie has her eyes tight shut: @JNOV: Jesus H., to show off for the new guy, does this mean I need to switch to a different Nancy avatar? Or (gasp!) Mayor Lt. Gov. McDreamy’s hair?

@SanFranLefty: An aggressive assertive woman will do it. (Sorry, Tomm.)

@JNOV: Looks like I’m going to be trimming my list of friends real soon.

@JNOV: There’s an alternative set of default MonsterID avatars I’ve been daring myself to use for weeks. I keep fearing that the joke will wear thin after, oh, five minutes.

@nojo: Five minutes is about average for the average man, so go for it!

@Eric: Wait. Are you talking about me?

This entry is a weekend too late and probably from the wrong category. But down here in nascar country, none other than Dick Trickle would run left turn only circles around all these monuments.

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