Pop Go the Weasels

While everybody’s fretting about the seating arrangement among the groundlings, we’re more interested in the action behind the podium: Plugz and Agent Orange will be strategically positioned to bounce up and down for different lines. Figure you have four possible combos: down-down, up-down, down-up, and up-up. Three of those combos can be predicted — but will there be a moment when Plugz sits and Orange stands?

That’s what we’ll be waiting for during our SOTU Open Thread/Crank Yankers. Because honestly, the rest of it is going to be boring as hell.


Wow, CNN has really splurged on the holograms. Wolf, however, remains two-dimensional.

Fuck that shit. I’m blasting Metallica before the show.

Three Justices are taking Rain Days.

Ken Salazar is hiding in case Mars attacks.

Gloria Bolger says traditional SOTU seating is “like an Orthodox temple”.

Somebody’s telling the Congress to applaud! The fix is in!

@redmanlaw: Yes. He even announced it beforehand.

Crayola guide: Obama splits the pigment difference between Plugz and Agent Orange.

My HS friend who works for Biden is updating her FB status from inside.

Boehner teared up when Obama congratulated him.

@nojo: I’d kill to see Crayola come out with that color. They’ve moved to skin tones, so why not?

@Dodgerblue: I wish he’d just die from dehydration already. Phucking phoney.

Agent Orange is regretting he didn’t have that last shot before going to work.

@JNOV will crank your knob:

They keep cheering about how it’s ’91. Was that seriously 20 years ago? Crap.

@Dodgerblue: Clashes with his skin tone. And can we talk about Hilary’s hair? Honey, get a new stylist.

@Dodgerblue: He’s participating in the Neon Challenge. There are a few other day-glo ties in the audience.

NASA doesn’t exist now either. As far as anyone knows.

“This is our generation’s Sputnik moment.” Using last generation’s cliche.

@Dodgerblue: I wouldn’t wear that suit either. It’s like the Brooks Brothers died and fell into a JC Penny Catalog.

@nojo: He paused for applause after the line about eliminating subsidies to oil companies, but didn’t get any.

Note to Barak: there’s no such thing as “clean coal.”

@Dodgerblue: What’s the deal with coal gasification?

Plugz is looking especially pasty next to Agent Orange.

@Dodgerblue: I like the tie, but not with the orange skin.

@Mistress Cynica: Hillary and her hair. I give up.

@Dodgerblue: Speaking of NASA, Giffords’ Book of Faces page has a photo of the astronaut holding her hand watching the SOTU.

Clinton: 100,000 cops
Obama: 100,000 teachers

@Dodgerblue: +1

So what’s the deal with preznits going gray? Do they dye their hair until they’re elected, or does being preznit cause you to go gray? Makes you look more distinguished as the leader of the unfree world? Discuss. (Raygun doesn’t count.)

@karen marie has her eyes tight shut: Thanks for the link!

Why does Unicorn hate Gabby? He’s the only one in there (besides the Justices) not wearing that ribbon.

Biden – wipe that shit-eating grin off your face. Those implants are the worst.

Blah blah blah — here’s a poor person. Blah blah blah.

@SanFranLefty: Oh, that’s what’s on Boehner’s lapel. It’s so crooked I couldn’t tell.

Oh, shit! Children of undocumented workers? They’re illegals! Get with the [GOP] program!

Kerry and McCain are heading to the Losers Prom when this is over.

@mellbell: Old technology, you’re still talking about fossil fuels, the process is dirty and a double loser on CO2 emissions. We are fighting licensing of what would be the first such facility in the US, in Ohio. Better to use biomass (not food crops) as a feedstock to make ethanol for fuel.

@JNOV will crank your knob: The radiation from meeting with our alien overlords bent on planetary domination and modification is hard on the skin and hair.

@mellbell: Looks like a lizard or something. Bet he blows his nose on it.

@JNOV will crank your knob: There was some chatter that he used shoe polish before the China dinner. Folks don’t understand that it’s all about lighting.

I’m surprised Uncle Joe didn’t stand up for the high speed rail plugz.

This portion brought to you by Cisco.

@SanFranLefty: All the pictures of Mark w/ Gabby out of frame makes me think of her as Charlie Townsend.

I wish someone would either check Ginsburg’s pulse or sit her up straight.

Roscoe Bartlett is Pelosi’s date??? Eeeeewwww!!!! He is the WORST.Member.of.Congress EVAH! He once called me “Little Lady”


Wait. Lower the corporate tax rate? Corporate? What about the middle class of humans?

@nojo: Shoe polish? Puleeze. Bet the chatter came from Red State idiots.

Teachers? Meh. Cutting the Corporate tax rate? Standing O. I can’t believe I’m stuck in a hotel room without alcohol.

Did I miss Ricky Gervais snarking on everyone in the audience?

@Dodgerblue: Another year, another administration ignoring freelancers.

Ron Kirk, UT alum and first black mayor of Dallas, now US Trade Rep, in DA HOUSE!

@Mistress Cynica: “You should have planned ahead.” – Rocky Balboa

Child-labor laws! Mike Lee shoutout! Drink!

Two glasses of wine and Mrs RML is muttering in Spanish.

Who is that wearing a purple velvet jacket?

@Mistress Cynica: Are you still in Bumfuck, Virginia? You need to get your ass to DC for a little R&R. Mellbell is an excellent hostess.

P.S. Cute little line about the TSA checks, Barry.

Wow, even Jean Schmidt crossed the aisle. Who’da thunkit?

@JNOV will crank your knob: Your avatar makes me think of Wonder Bread.

Oooh, health care smack.

Jim Howard is sitting right here, GOP fuckers! Tell that dude you don’t want him to have treatment for his brain tumor!!

Boehner and Cantor are looking pissed that Obama’s stealing all their talking points.
@redmanlaw: Talk about not planning ahead: I booked this room because the hotel is near the airport, has a free shuttle, and I have a 6 AM flight. I learn when I check in that the shuttle service doesn’t start until 7 AM. I have to pay $20 for a cab. Thank FSM there isn’t a mini bar or I’d max out the VISA card.

@redmanlaw: Stolen from Nojo’s graphic on this thread. We don’t have Wonder bread here anymore. Fucking Stroehmann!

Scalia, Thomas, and Alito missing. The Asshole Trifecta.

@mellbell: Or maybe a bunch of Dems decided to surround her and Bachmann. It’s so hard to tell — up is down, left is right, etc.

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: I prefer to lump in the C.J. so I can refer to them as The RATS.

Med mal reform won’t do shit in the big picture, Barry.

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: True dat. Alito is recovering from his Tea Party. Crazyeyes might give him agita. Pfft.

Coburn and Schumer, sitting in a tree!

Everybody gets an iPad!

Wait, what?

I can’t figure out what that thing is on the dais in front of Boner. Little help?

@JNOV will crank your knob: CNN will be carrying the Bachmann response after the GOP response. Really.

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: I’ve got HD, and I can’t figure it out.

Plugz is drunk. Boehner just wishes he were.

I may run this tomorrow, but suicides take more servicemembers than Iraq and Afghanistan combined.

Nappy’s still rocking the Chinese collar.

For a fleeting moment, Orange wasn’t sure whether to applaud the “American Muslims” line.

Everytime he says Taliban, I can’t help but hum “Hey, Mr. Taliban, tally me bananas.”

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: Crystal glasses? Beakers? Maybe he’ll provide a musical interlude.

We leave Afghanistan, Hello, Taliban! We keep sending drones to Pakistan, Hello, Taliban! And we’re right back where we started.

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: @nojo: Not a clue (and I’m watching on my roomie’s 42-inch HD TV).

Is Boehner too fat to button at least the first button of his suit?

Silver/crystal service. Orange just took a drink.

Where’s the new rep from Florida with the hats?

Shout out to Teh Gheyz! Boehner looks uncomfortable, Biden is stoked!

@SanFranLefty: How fucked up is it that I’m going to miss her? Such is the state of the world.

@SanFranLefty: I saw her as Obama was coming in. No hat, but she was wearing UT orange.

@mellbell: Hmmm… Drinking glass is behind the contraption. It still might be something else.

Okay. I’m gonna be sick now. Go West Young Man, to China.

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: No shit. My parents voted in the GOP primary just to vote for her against Gov. Good Hair.

Hey! Shout out to Plugz. Mr. SFL: “Joe Biden is like the Little Stevie Van Zandt of the Administration. The dorky guy who is so enthusiastic about what he’s doing.”

@nojo: Those totally are shot glasses in front of Agent Orange.

I’m kind of tearing up over the miners here. God, I’m a sap.

@mellbell: It was so sweet how the guy was blushing.

@mellbell: It was so sweet how the guy was blushing.
BTW, I know Christina Taylor Green’s family was on one side of Michelle, but PBS never told me who was on the other. Any ideas?

Not that awesome. Still, better than “Working together with each other us Americans can obtain new heights of greatery.” I don’t miss those days at all

@Mistress Cynica: There’s a chart of all the people sitting in her box: http://www.whitehouse.gov/state-of-the-union-2011

Scroll down; it’s on the left.

Coming up: The Paul Ryan Workout.

Oh Sheila. It’s not a SOTU until you stick your face in front of the POTUS’s shot.

Also, lime green? Have SJL finally exhausted her supply of red suits? Times are tough indeed.

Can’t find Ryan on the tubez. Too lazy to read the transcript. Someone tell me how he does?

Let’s check in on the Twitters:

@RepPaulBrounMD Mr. President, you don’t believe in the Constitution. You believe in socialism

2011 is back on track!

Ryan has bigger ears than Barry.

@nojo: Ryan has bigger ears than Prince Charles.

So far, Ryan sounds like an old-fashioned Republican. No socialism, no nuttin.

@nojo: I’m watching some earnest young geek on CBS rebut. He’s no Bobby Jindal.

When did Crispin Glover get elected to Congress?

Sport TJ: Weirdness

@nojo: Oh, is that Ryan? “The spirit of the Founders” Is this guy from Battlestar Galactica?

I want my comfy socialist hammock! Where is it?

Mr. McFly is a real downer. Where’s Biff when you need him?

@Mistress Cynica: I think we’re only getting a banana republic hammock.

“Limited government and free enterprise have made this the greatest nation on Earth.”

Actually, World War II had something to do with it.

He didn’t say “God Bless America”!


@Dodgerblue: I should have gone with the Cylon gag earlier.

CNN’s been using music from “John Adams” all night. I keep expecting Giamatti to make a cameo.

CrazyEyes is backstage, putting on the hose and washing the blood from her hands.

O’Donnell was getting all worked up about gun control in the pre-game. Even the gays and the Indians got more of a shout out than that issue.

@nojo: “Limited government and free enterprise were the chief causes of the financial meltdown.”

CNN Fashion Minute:

The Tory has a really shiny suit. But he still looks better than Gargoyle and Tubby McFuckface. Oh, Roland, where has your ascot gone?

I hear that music, I expect to see Franklin in a tub with a French hoor.

Fuck. I have to do some hearing prep, pack, then hit the road out to Navajo land for the fourth week in a row at 7:30 am. I was too tired to work well today due to working late so now I have to crank it out tonight.

Wolf talks to me like a five-year-old. Listening to him, I regress to one.

CrazyEyes is using Boehner’s spray tan.

Somewhere behind my left shoulder is Bachmann’s teleprompter.

So. much.make-up.

And who the fuck is she looking at? Camera’s to your left, bitch!

“Cap & Trade”. Someone forgot the line.

“Cangress is respanding.” Never heard the Minnesota in her before.

She sounds like a fucking tour guide.

“Thanks to you” over there, to the left and behind the camera.

Iwo Jama! Did we give up when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?

She made it through without melting down. She’s no fun at all.

More from the Twitters…

@PFTompkins: “I hope they turn around to reveal Bachmann is talking to a quizzical golden lab.”

And that’s why Paul F. is a professional comedian.

@nojo: @TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: Pareene explains it all:

Hah, it is so much more insane here, where she’s just sort of staring off to the left of the screen. Everyone: The CNN camera is different from the terrorist Internet Skype camera — she’s just refusing to look at the liberals watching CNN. This address was for the patriots!

@nojo: Sorry, still obsessed with @MayorEmanuel:

Don’t know if Obama’s going to use the draft of the speech I wrote before I left. If he opens with double fucking birds, it’s mine.

Or this.

OK, so I wrote this part too. Unless SOMEONE went and changed it again, it should end with him double-chopping his cock and saying “SUCK IT”

Oh dear god, NO:

Sources tell PopEater that MSNBC is considering Alec Baldwin to fill the shoes left empty when Keith Olbermann abruptly announced his resignation Friday. Baldwin has long expressed an interest in entering politics, and, as a star on 30 Rock, is “already part of the NBC family, has a huge fanbase and is very respected for his long-term passions for politics,” sources say.

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: Black Eye Liner?!?!

When I don’t scream “No wire hangers” I will scream “No black eyeliner!”

P.S. Founding Fathers ended slavery, doncha know?

@mellbell: Finally, it’s our turn to deliberately misunderstand a perfectly explainable situation.

Let me just say that you gals and guys have done a great service for the non-viewing public.

@flippin eck: These made my morning, Flip. Thanks for the linque.

@Mistress Cynica: Borowitz had a line that the speech was long enough for Olbermann to quit three networks.

@nojo: Dude, wine went out of my nose on that one.
@mellbell: +1

Via Rachel: Gabby Giffords upgraded to “good” condition.

ADD: I’ve waited two long years to finally hear Rachel say “Mike Lee” and smile at the camera.

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