Department of Celestial Corrections

It’s one thing downgrading a Disney-licensed planet to space trash. But when you start messing with people’s astrological signs, there will be movie-title references we best not use for another few days.

If you missed the news, your sign slipped a notch, catapulting you into an alternate universe for which life has left you woefully unprepared. Here we’ve spent our mortal existence as a proud, stubborn, grounded, fuck-you Taurus, and now we’re an Aries? You might as well play Watchtower and tell us we’ve always been a Cylon.

Well, you can relax. Turns out it was all just a big misunderstanding.

Or so we’re being told. Honestly, we don’t understand the claim or the counter-claim.

Here’s the claim, courtesy of the Minneapolis Star-Tribune:

The ancient Babylonians based zodiac signs on the constellation the sun was “in” on the day a person was born. During the ensuing millenniums, the moon’s gravitational pull has made the Earth “wobble” around its axis, creating about a one-month bump in the stars’ alignment.

The result?

“When [astrologers] say that the sun is in Pisces, it’s really not in Pisces,” said Parke Kunkle, a board member of the Minnesota Planetarium Society.

The sunstorm that erupted after the story was so fierce — including fears of emergency tattoo removals — the Star-Tribune has since replaced the link with a story about the story. (Or it may have been sheer embarrassment for letting “millenniums” see print.) We had to hunt down the original in Google’s cache.

Meanwhile, all that star-shifting supposedly made room for a thirteenth sign: Ophiuchus, popularly known as The Opossum.

There things would have stood, if not for astrology geeks pointing out that duh, we knew that all along:

That’s because the tropical zodiac — which is fixed to seasons, and which Western astrology adheres to — differs from the sidereal zodiac — which is fixed to constellations and is followed more in the East.

So everything’s cool, and you may continue adhering to the personality stereotype you’ve grown accustomed to. And just ignore the other half of the world, which is using the wrong calendar. Again.

Got a problem with that? Take it up with Ptolemy.

No, your zodiac sign hasn’t changed [CNN]

Image: FistCar


I’ll enjoy the few days I was a Leo…

@Dodgerblue: Okay, on the with dick jokes. Chop chop!

@JNOV: Is that a bris reference? Once there was a nearsighted mohel who . . . .

@Dodgerblue: Reagan plus flag, while being inspiring and American as jello shots, seemed a tad over the top after the Tucson shootings. So I went into half-mourning.

So that ditzy, bucktoothed, functionally-illiterate girl who worked with me at a telemarketing firm in Madison, when she told me that I was “such an Aires,” was completely shitting me? I KNEW IT!

@JNOV: I don’t have a dick joke but your comment reminded me of a dick story.

Once upon a time, when I was a baby public defender, I second chaired a domestic homicide case. Defendant wife shot her husband to death. They had a history of domestic violence between them. She claimed self-defense after being a victim for years; others said she was the abuser in the relationship and he was blindly devoted to her. One day, we start going through the autopsy photos and notice something odd about a photo of the guy’s crotch. The other lawyer thought someone wrote on the picture and was pissed. But the photos I was going through included a close-up of his penis. It turns out that he had a tattoo that said “This dick belongs to Stephanie.”* And there was a little carrot tattooed on the tip.

*The defendant. Name changed to protect the guilty.

Never feed oysters to the server.

@nojo: I noticed a disturbance in the Force.

@Dodgerblue: Or a flooded carburetor.

What I — think — is happening is that on occasion, we get hit with too many requests at once. This might be a link from a high-profile site (which I haven’t seen lately), or it may be some bot trying to sign up a hundred spam accounts for WordPress.

It doesn’t crash the server as such, but… it… slows… it… down… a… lot…

I was able to check the gauges, and it was down to 47 megs of free memory — which makes computers very unhappy. So I’m going to start dialing back the maximum memory the web software can use, and see if that prevents these occasional glitches.

@JNOV: There are so many questions about it that I’ve never gotten answers to. Was he conscious during the tattooing process? Hard or soft? All at once or in stages? Wouldn’t it have been easier to tattoo that on the stomach or thigh with an arrow pointing to the appropriate area? Did he enjoy it? He must have, right? Otherwise, you’d think he’d just put her initials or a nickname on his dick, instead of a grammatically correct sentence with her full name.Why a carrot?

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: Some possible answers:

1. Yeah, he was awake. Tattoos hurt, but once the artist has started, it’s kinda hard to tell them to stop; who wants to leave with a partial tat? After awhile, the area gets pretty numb. I’ve seen much more painful things done to men’s wee wees, and the guys have been awake. Unless the tattoo artist is a doctor or anesthetist or some sort, they can’t administer any real sedatives, plus certain things like aspirin and alcohol make you bleed more. I was considering getting a painful piercing (the one in my nose was no joke, but that was cuz piercing dude was a douche), so I was going to numb myself with Lidocaine from my hospital. The only reasons I didn’t were because: 1. I can’t steal — I just can’t; and 2. if I were to steal it, Lidocaine makes the skin swell some, so my piercing might have been off kilter.

2. Hard or soft? I have no idea, although body mod is a turn on for some. Eventually the endorphins kick in. I’m thinking the artist put some tension on dude’s weiner to have a smoother canvas, such as.

3. I don’t know how big the tat was, but I’d guess it was probably done at one time. Only really large tats are done piece by piece. I was planning on getting a largish one on my thigh (about 8 or 10″ square) with a lot of color. It would have taken at least two visits because of the detail and number of colors used. Then I learned that some dude had THE SAME TAT on his back. Pfft. So much for that idea.

4. Carrot? Hell if I know. Was it in color?

@JNOV: No, the carrot was in the same black ink as the sentence.

@karen marie has her eyes tight shut: Oh yeah. Self-defense is a tough sell when the guy is shot in the back.

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: Yes, well.

Did you think she was telling the truth?

It must be tough to defend someone you know/believe to be guilty.

@JNOV: And while I’m geeking this fine Sandy Eggo afternoon…

I’ve noticed a few times this week that StumbleUpon drag — an annoying delay while the SU servers process our “badge” requests. So I’ve switched the SU button to a plain graphic with a link that does the same thing the “dynamic” button did. Let’s see if that improves responsiveness.

@nojo: I didn’t understand that. Steelers and Ravens are tied with 3:40 to go.

@karen marie has her eyes tight shut: No. Defending the guilty ones isn’t difficult; defending the innocent ones is.

@Dodgerblue: Could you drive down here and rip down the Giant Stillers Banner from the fence across the way? KTHNXBAI.

@nojo: You’re gonna be looking at it for at least another week.

@nojo: What you talking about — a website or a race car?

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: I can see how that would be true. I do a fair amount of transcripts for MA public defenders. Some of the ADAs in district court can be pretty obnoxious about prosecuting people they got no business prosecuting.

@nojo: Them’s fighting words, gramps.

Stairway to Seven! W00t! Sport!

ADD: that “Chargers” team? Named because the owner was in the credit card business. You can, as they say, look it up.

@Nabisco: You should know by now that dissing local Sport Franchises has no effect on me. No luck trying to ridicule Defenseless Waterfowl, either.

@nojo: I know, I know – but I’d been saving that little piece of trivia for awhile, and you were in my crosshairs surveyor’s mark if only for guilt by geographic association.

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: Boring tat.

@nojo: Must you always mention the weather? Glad to know it wasn’t just me. The page is loading much faster now. Many thanks!

BTW, there’s gonna be A Big Ass Flood in CA. Don’t know if it’s coming before or after The Big Ass Earthquake, but you’ll be floating to TJ in the nearish future.

@JNOV: I’m on a hill.

More to the point, the ARk flood (love that acronym!) would mess up our water supply, returning Southern California to the uninhabitable hellscape God meant it to be.

@JNOV: Turn on the Bears game. It’s snowing in Chicago, but unlike those sissies in Philly, they play football in it.

@nojo: I like the ARk thing, too. That hill’s not gonna save you — too many gheys in those parts, and we all know the flood will be their fault.

@Dodgerblue: OH! First of all, I can’t fucking find the game on my Jothaplummabawx! I’m having the fucker do another channel search. It’ll be done in, oh, 20 minutes. Beer run!

Second of all, we don’t do lake effect, mmmkay?

@JNOV: It’s on Fox. Bears up 21-0, you may have something better to do.

@JNOV: And they’re all in the neighborhood next door, now that you mention it. Except Pedo. He’s an Outlier.

Seriously? Alls I gots is MiND TV (like four channels of it), some thing called ION, informercials galore, THREE televangelist channels, telenovellas, and some Bollywood. I’ll take Bollywood. But first, BEER!

@nojo: I recognize that sign you occasionally post. Tell Pedro to get his ass back to Hillcrest.

@Dodgerblue: Oh, shit.

@JNOV: The Stinque Remote Office is a few miles from World Domination HQ. It’s also on even higher ground.

@nojo: What, like 75 ft above sea level? That’s reassuring. :-P

@JNOV: 75 feet is a long ways for the sea to rise. Remember, everything on the western side of the hills drains into the ocean.

@nojo: Remember, there’s gonna be a lot of runoff into the ocean from upstate. Silver Strand — gone. Coronado — bye bye! Mission Bay — gone. The inland rain, the aqueduct and the ocean are all gonna meet in the middle when your (ahem) “protective” hills are undermined by the rising sea. If Big Sur can get cutoff from the rest of the world and need supplies airlifted to them for months, well, that doesn’t bode well for SD.

Don’t get me wrong, I’d still move back in a heartbeat, but I remember all the SD surfers with hepatitis from TJ runoff. You’re gonna be in toxic soup, bud. Better go get immunized and start building that ARk.

This box is fucking bullshit! I get all the major channels, but it’s not their regular programming; it’s some alternate universe shit. I think they’ve colluded with Comcast so that you can’t get regular TV without a cable box. That’s crap! Fucking corrupt fucking Philadelphia douchebags sucking Comcast’s fucking dick.

Well, based on this wee graphic on ucaintwatchtehgaymelivecheepass, it looks like Chicago is going to score in a few. At least a FG.

@JNOV: Cutler ran it in. I’ve seen better defense in beach football when everyone is drunk.

@Dodgerblue: Ha! I was rooting for the Seahawks. Imma have some sad friends.

In other nooz, it’s Day 3 of The Great Litter Box Rebellion. The cats are annoyed that Jr and GF went back to school on Friday, and they’ve been voting with their asses next to the THREE litter boxes. I cleaned them, filled them with some eco-friendly litter that doesn’t seem to be cat valet friendly, but they don’t care. They look at the boxes, sniff the contents, and then they give me the side eye as they conspire to find secret places to do their business. And I bought them lamb! They don’t care. If it’s not lung-clogging clay with toxic crystals, they don’t want it.

ETA: I’ve even modeled how fun it is to scratch in the new litter. Like, “Look! This is good shit and good to shit in!” They don’t care.

Oh, boy. Bears gonna score again.

@JNOV: Never change litter abruptly. Slooooooowly mix in a little eco-friendly stuff with toxic death crystals. In a couple of years, you’ll have med the switch completely.

@Mistress Cynica: You are so right! I thought, “Meh. They’re basically feral: What will they care?” Oh, they care alright.


I loved Virgo John Fugelsang’s quip on Stephanie Miller Friday morning:

“I believe in both Astrology and the Chinese Zodiac, which means that I’m a Virgin born in the Year Of the Cock”.


@JNOV: I’m a purist — only clay litter. That clumping stuff, imo, is bad news for kitty innards. And it absorbs better than that recycled paper stuff.

@karen marie has her eyes tight shut: The clay dust makes me gag, so I figured it made them sad, too — you know, being so close to it. I’ve tried recycled newspaper, recycled cedar, buckwheat (I think that’s what it was), and now we’re onto some sort of corn fiber or something.

The cat my mom abused eventually used it. The other two are holding it so far. I dunno, man. We’ll see what the morning brings.

Dust isn’t so bad except if you’re dumping the entire bag.

I do the old one-cup-of-litter-in-the-pan-and-clean-after-every-use method so dust isn’t really an issue, but I could see where if you have two or more cats that might not be practical.

@karen marie has her eyes tight shut: THREE! And I’m allergic! It wasn’t my plan. They just kinda found me.

Seriously? That’s it for dick jokes? Dodger is watching the Globes, so someone needs to pick up the slack, such as.

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