North Polean Missile Violates American Airspace

Santa’s Privacy Policy [McSweeney’s, via TechCrunch]

SC: “Ho ho ho.”

“Fox Two”

SC: “Ho ho… what? Rudolph! Turn off your damn nose! It’s a heat see…”
End Transmission

Oh gawd. As if there wasn’t enough wrong with this state.

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: 5 bedrooms? Is she pregnant? Is the entire family moving down from Wasilla?

@SanFranLefty: If the entire family was moving from Wasilla, surely they could afford to live somewhere other than Maricopa. That place is way the fuck out. It’s like the suburbs to the suburbs. Must be about an 1 1/2 – 2 hour drive from downtown Phoenix, depending on traffic.

Who can say why she wants or needs a 5 bedroom house? Nothing these people do makes any damn sense to me.

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ:
Jeebus must really hate Az.

20 year old who can buy a house?

Off to the Ancestral Homeland. Here’s a video clip of the dance my brother is doing today through the 26th.

Happy Christmas to you all.

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: You can tell I live in SF because my first response was “A 5 bedroom house for $179K??”

It must be in ass-fuck McMansionville.

@redmanlaw: Feliz Navidogs.

TJ esp for the Sport-Loving Attorneys: Greatest Letter Ever Written on NFL Letterhead

Mount Everest in four minutes!

What? You people are all grinches.

BAH! bakette is spending the holidays with her fucking in laws who suck up way more than their fair share, if you ask me and my fabulous spawn of the rat has cancelled on us last minute. BAH!

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ:
we’re organizing to get you out of there. or should be. Seriously.

happy happy christmas to you reds. i’ll be drinking eggnog in my empty house. i put up a damn tree for them and everything. if they want their gifts, well then they’ll have to come get them. pfft.

my annual reminder: put hagen daz vanilla in the eggnog!

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: Dear lord. Is there no end to your suffering? Baked is right–we need Stinque Operation Rescue Jamie.

Christmas came early for someone, but it wasn’t me.

I took Lucy out for a walk at just before 11 am. We got home just before noon to discover the back door had been broken in and my wallet and jewelry stolen. I’m just grateful they didn’t steal my smoke or I would have had to kill myself.

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is some Lagavulean (sp?) and a picture of Lindsey Grahm doing lines off a Columbian rent boy’s ass.


@karen marie doesn’t want to know: I’m so sorry!! That’s just so revolting. Thinking of you. Hope you’re all right. Lucy, too.

Current location:
Guantanamo, Cuba

I shit thee not.

A Christmas Tale About Theft and a True Story

Seven Christmas’ ago we were living in Bryn Mawr, Pennsylvania. In a house that that was extremely private and heavily wooded. oh, the weed crops we grew there! Most were well hidden within the grounds. One plant grew the biggest and the tallest because it had more ventilation (pot loves a breeze). It was completely exposed next to a low wall separating the pool from the tennis court. (shut. the. fuck. up. we. are. poor. now.) It was Enormous and just about to be harvested when we decided to decorate it for Christmas, it being December and all, and for disguise from drunk annoying neighbor. It delighted us no end, we are easily amused.
The Painters
Part of the house needed painting, so in come the army of painters, assistants, drop cloths, hair and make-up, and god knows what all, streaming in and out 3 doors, one door being near the Tree. After a few days, when we were all chums, the head painter guy says to me, “that is some tree you got growing out there, do you know what it is?” “it’s a Christmas tree!” “no baked, it’s the most awesome marijuana plant I’ve ever seen” ” OH ha ha someone must have dropped a joint there! ha ha!” ” oh nooo baked, somebody is taking reallll good care of THAT baby” “oh, look at the time! see ya!”
Christmas Eve
Three dogs, three cats, and two humans are holed up in the bedroom watching a movie. We hear a distant CRACK. A strange sound. Eight heads pop up, look around, shrug shoulders and put our heads back on our paws. Christmas morning dawns and he is in the kitchen first, the kitchen overlooks His Tree. He calls me screaming, the Tree was gone. It was the first time i ever saw my husband cry. The End.


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