Important Stories We’re Ignoring to Bring You This Breaking Link About Squirrel Masturbation

  • Barack Obama talks to Rolling Stone, continues campaign to pre-blame Progressives for the midterm results.
  • CIA escalates drone attacks in Pakistan to thwart rumored European terror spree.
  • Appeals court lifts ban on stem-cell funding while case proceeds.
  • CBO says extending Bush tax cuts will hurt economy.
  • Germany makes final World War I reparations payment.
  • Four in ten Americans cannot name the Vice President.
  • Sharron Angle sucks at government teat.
  • George Lucas not finished desecrating Star Wars, announces 3D versions of entire series starting in 2012.
Squirrels masturbate to avoid sexually transmitted infections [Discover, via PourMeCoffee]

Unless it’s 3D Leia in her metal bikini, I don’t care.

Why can’t Lucas make something besides Star Wars? Oh right, Howard the Duck.


In the 3D version of Star Wars, Han doesn’t shoot Gredo at all. Gredo shoots first and and misses, but is immediately racked with guilt when he comes realizes the full implications of taking another life. So he leaves Tatooine for a monastery on Anatres 7 then spends a gruelling few months working to overcome his acolohol and gambling addictions. After reforming, Gredo lives out his remaining days volunteering at the monastery orphanage. The End.

Fucking squirrels — how do they work?

Yet another mammal demonstrates that it is more intelligent than Christine O’Donnell.

What next? Gerbils?

Aren’t Rocky Mountain Oysters fried squirrel nads?

Also: Celebrity attorney Gloria Allred calling a press conference at 11 am with Meg Whitman’s Latina ex-housekeeper with “controversial and explosive allegations” against eMeg.

What’s it going to be?
Keep in mind Allred’s specialties are (1) the much put-upon ex-girlfriend or (2) victims of sexual harassment.
Also note the emphasis on “Latina”

(1) eMeg physically assault the housekeeper like she did with her staff at eBay?
(2) eMeg verbally abuse the housekeeper with racial epithets?
(3) eMeg pay less than minimum wage under the table and force the housekeeper to work more than 40 hours a week, threatening her with deportation if she failed to comply? [This is my choice]*
(4) eMeg sexually harass the housekeeper?
(5) eMeg’s horrible sons physically, sexually, or verbally harassed the housekeeper?

*eMeg lives in Atherton, one of the richest enclaves in the country (think Greenwich CT but richer), which has been the site of multiple horror story cases of rich families abusing and exploiting foreign domestic worker. I know a couple of attorneys who won million dollar judgments for housekeepers who were treated like modern-day slaves by their Atherton employers.

@Serolf Divad:
As horrific as that sounds, your description of 3D Star Wars was still better than Attack of the Clowns, um, Clones.

the short ones can sometimes surprise you.

‘controversial’ doesn’t sound too interesting. Wafting a fart at an employee is controversial. Auto-cannibalism at gun point, routinized oral rape, now that’s what Republican politics is all about. Don’t let us down sMeg!

@SanFranLefty: I’ll be disappointed if eDildoes were not involved.

@Benedick Arnuldsson Manpants:

You’d love it. It’s a little bit like Gigi with a sentient garbage can. Without all the frocks, tho.

@homofascist: Exactly how humble? (This is where the winking emoticon would go if I didn’t think it would get me banned from Stinque forever.)

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