Speak Through Fox, Dance Through ABC

The 2012 Presidential Campaign kicks off in high style tonight at eight:

There will be high security tonight when Sarah Palin shows up to watch daughter Bristol perform on “Dancing with the Stars”…

Our spies say security guards at CBS Television City in L.A. — the place where “Dancing” is broadcast — is on “heightened alert.”

Well, so are we! Almost enough to liveblog it, except we’re on the Left Coast, so it would be more like a Tape-Delay Blog, which takes all the fun out of it. Especially the fun that would ensue if there’s a security breach on live television, in which case protecting Mama Grizzly is a “higher priority than Bristol.”

And speaking of The World’s Luckiest Unwed Teen Mom:

Palin, 19, calls herself “naturally shy” and wants to make sure she sets a good example for her son, Tripp, 20 months.

Yes, we remember how proud we were at 5, to learn that Mom had whored herself out on national television before we could walk.

‘Dancing’ Studio on Red Sarah Palin Alert [TMZ, via Political Wire]

Bristol Is Miss Modest in Her Dancing Costume [People, Sept. 7]

32 Comments

And when his half brother… Situation Jr was conceived.

What the hell on God’s green earth is she wearing? That is beyond fugly. Was that a hand-me-down from Mom’s shopping spree at the Minneapolis Needless Markup?

P.S. Nojo – I think you need to tag this under Fashionistas as well. The gheyz and the Department of Lady-Bits is rubbing off on you if you’re linking to stories about “celebrity” outfits.

@SanFranLefty: Drapes from the family living room. Talibunny thought it would make her unappealing enough not to come home pregnant.

@SanFranLefty:

This is what happens when half the design team wants you to wear a burqa and the other half are mad at your mom for being a howling anti-ghey bigot.

See also the terrible hairstyles amongst the Prop-H8 proponents. ;)

@FlyingChainSaw:
As someone who used to get hot and bothered when an ex used to wear flannel PJs or a big baggy T-shirt to bed, I can honestly say that Talibunny’s messed up again.

Plus it takes two to tango… in this case literally.

@SanFranLefty: Alas, I’m a One Category Per Post kinda guy. The visual cue is Mad magazine departments.

@ManchuCandidate: Oh man, that makes me think of the hilarious “Business Time” song that Flight of the Conchords does.

@ManchuCandidate: Flannel. Well, yeah, what guy wouldn’t flannel drive to fhrmnty! ?

@ManchuCandidate: Manchu, do your thing. Bristol’s song: Three Dog Night’s Mama Told Me (Not to Come).

(I guess good Xtian women-folk aren’t supposed to come…that would imply recreation and not just procreation).

ADD: Found the lyrics on the tubez to help you along:

Want some whiskey in your water?
Sugar in your tea?
What’s all these crazy questions they’re askin’ me?
This is the craziest party that could ever be
Don’t turn on the lights ’cause I don’t wanna see

Mama told me not to come
Mama told me not to come
“That ain’t the way to have fun, no”

Open up the window, let some air into this room
I think I’m almost chokin’ from the smell of stale perfume
And that cigarette you’re smokin’ ’bout scare me half to death
Open up the window, sucker, let me catch my breath

Mama told me not to come
Mama told me not to come
“That ain’t the way to have fun, son”
“That ain’t the way to have fun, son”

The radio is blastin’, someone’s knockin’ at the door
I’m lookin’ at my girlfriend – she’s passed out on the floor
I seen so many things I ain’t never seen before
Don’t know what it is – I don’t wanna see no more

Mama told me not to come
Mama told me not to come
She said, “That ain’t the way to have fun, son”

“That ain’t the way to have fun, no”
KILL
“That ain’t the way to have fun, no”
“That ain’t the way to have fun, son”
“That ain’t the way to have fun, no”
“That ain’t the way to have fun, son”

“That ain’t the way to have fun, no”
“That ain’t the way to have fun, son”
“That ain’t the way to have fun, no”
“That ain’t the way to have fun, son”

@SanFranLefty: Technically Randy Newman, but nobody knows that.

How much is this worth in free publicity for the Palin ’12 campaign? Who watches this shit anyway? Iowa pig farmers/GOP caucus goers. This kind of contribution – the allocation of corporate resources to a particular (as yet unannounced) candidate – does not have to be reported and just adds to Palin’s appeal amongst her horde. I’m sure she’s praying that there will be boos, which will only be a plus for her.

@SanFranLefty:
/shakes head at ironic choice of song/

Put his penis in a condom
Take birth control for thee
What’s with all these crazy things they tellin’ me
This is the craziest heresy there could ever be
Don’t say anything more, ’cause I don’t want to know

Mama told me not to come
Mama told me not to come
So I’ll be a real good girl

Open up the beer keg
Smoke some pot in this room
I think I’m almost chokin’
From the smell of Levy’s Axe fumes

But those tight jeans you’re pulling down
‘Bout made me just so damn wet
Pull down the boxers, lover
Let me catch my breath

[Refrain]
Mama told me not to come
Mama told me not to come
She said, just say no or you’ll get preggers, girl
It’s the best to deal with being horny, girl

The bed was shakin’
Someone’s came in only four
I’m lookin’ at my boyfriend
He’s passed out and he snores

I humped so many times
I’ve had Levi before
I know what to do
I won’t wanna tell ma more

[Refrain]
Mama told me, mama told me, mama told me
Told me, told me
That is the way to gain fame, whoah, yeah yeah
Mama told me not to come
Mama, mama, mama told me
That is the way to gain fame

That is the way to gain fame, go
That is the way to gain fame, girl
That is the way to gain fame, go
That is the way to gain fame, girl

@SanFranLefty: I recall him performing it once, and it sounds just like you would imagine — and makes a lot more sense than the popped-up TDN version.

But it must have been MTV or SNL or something. Don’t know whether he ever did a studio version.

@redmanlaw: I remember fretting initially about making fun of Bristol, since juvie family members are usually off-limits. (And whatever happened to my prized can of Billy Beer?) How far we’ve all come.

@nojo: The family has opened the door. Run with it.

@ManchuCandidate: @FlyingChainSaw: This is good news, as I sure as heyell have no history–nor future intention–of trying to sleep in something constricting, itchy, and uncomfortable in order to impress a partner.

It has… begun. Oh my fucking god.

Three notes:

1. Bristol is billed as a “teen activist”.

2. This execration is brought to you by BBC Worldwide Productions.

3. I think I need a beer.

@nojo: She would do OK if she danced topless and could dance the lambada and lash the ballroom floor with her hair convincingly.

@nojo: I guess random fucking until you get pregnant is a kind of teen activism.

ABC has this fascinating new technology where they extend a straw from the screen and suck your brains out.

So here’s how it works: There are ten couples, and each dance lasts about 90 seconds.

This plays out over two hours.

@nojo:

Good Lord, are you actually watching it?

I thought only my grandmother did that.

@Plop-Plop, Fizz-Fizz, Tommmcatt A Relief He Is!: I take my responsibilities as seriously as I take my beer.

But I promise you, I won’t be watching it twice.

Contrary to the tease, Bristol’s wearing a spangly guy suit with red scarf, in a valiant attempt to expose as little skin as possible.

Note: I think the plan is to tear it off mid-dance. No, really. They said so.

Dancer bills himself as “The Bad Boy of Ballroom”. Ballroom needs to get out more often.

And underneath, a very short red flapper dress.

Judge: “For you, this is virgin territory.” That, ladies and gentlemen, was worth the wait. Even if it flew past the audience.

And as a palate-cleanser, Miss Florence Henderson.

I think it’s safe to leave now. Don’t need The Situation or Hasselhoff, whom The Situation will look like in twenty years.

Add a Comment
Please log in or register to post a comment