Screw You

If you insist upon not being eaten by wolves when you die, or not having your coffee-can-laden ashes blown into Jeff Bridges’ face, there’s an alternative that promises to be slightly easier on land use than traditional casket dumping:

Drill, body, drill.

Inventor Donald Scruggs… has been granted a patent on the last gadget you’ll ever need. It’s a giant, screw-shaped coffin into which are loaded your expired meat and bones, ready to be twisted into the ground.

Alas, the Easy Inter Burial Container hasn’t hit the market yet — apparently you encounter nasty torque issues when you scale a screw to six or seven feet, and America isn’t ready for the hilarity that would ensue when Grandma’s already absurdly shaped coffin disintegrates upon insertion.

But fear not, Vertical Disposal enthusiasts. There’s another eco-friendly product on the market right now that’s proven to release you from the mortal coil without consuming valuable mall real-estate:


Chiral Coffin Screws Bodies in the Dirt [Wired]

Try and screw that in the ground here, buddy. I can’t get a dibble in without hitting something hard.

Gonna need a bigger screwdriver.

Seriously, that is a dumb dumb dumb idea.

this is what i’m doing. i’m having a very difficult time with my family and friends though. i think it’s such a lovely idea. a pendant, keychain, ring.
in the words of bakette: wait…you want me to WEAR YOU???
yes, yes i do.

I think I’d pass.

I’d rather be dust in the wind.

It’s dopey and it seriously lacks in the ultrabadness. What people really want is to be stuffed into a huge bullet and *fired* straight into the earth from an enormous pistol.

The people of Los Angeles should rise up, take one of these gizmos and screw the Dodgers’ divorcing owners right into the ground at home plate in Chavez Ravine. Because somebody couldn’t keep their pants on, there’s no money to spend on personnel (or on a therapist for our flaky closer) and the team has reached new lows of crapitude. When does college basketball start?

Sport makes us crazy, no?

It could be worse… you could be a Pirates fan (sorry ‘bisco) their season ended the 1st day of the season or a Jays fan who sees their team play 3 beasts of the east 54 times a season.

Personally, I’d prefer to be eaten by wolves – a better contribution to the food chain.

I would insist on being dead first. Something I wouldn’t insist on for some people on my little list.

@baked: I’ve thought about doing this for the GF as well, but I think if I’m going to make a decent-sized stone I have to get on an all-fat diet. baked – you’re so slender … you need to put some meat on those bones.

@Walking Still: +1 Or a sky burial. :-)

Cremation: BAD for the environment if other alternatives exist.

Me — home funeral and green burial. Biodegradable casket that everyone can decorate with sharpies and paint and whatever, take me to a nature preserve and let me do my thing. Jr’s down with the plan.

One month later–big ass party on this point of [The] US 1. With party favors (I’m making a mixed CD–shut it!), liquor, food, dancing, and whatnot. The first one who speaks of me being with gawd or whatever gets bounced by my brothers. They’re down with that, too.

@FlyingChainSaw: I’m sure Johnny Depp will help you with the deets.

bloggie, i’ve seen that, and it’s gorgeous…but you can spread yourself around with smaller cremation keepsakes. check out all that’s available on my link. here are a few that i’m thinking of to attach to pet collars:

i do want a stone somewhere too. and it’s going to say, “told you i was sick”

ooh..i know just what to write on it. it’s in latin, i’ll surprise you.

@JNOV: @blogenfreude:
my trip up north has been postponed by dad “busy” in nyc and bakette is at the shore for 2 weeks. i can’t get an appt. and now my rat is leaving me here alone for 20 days with a wild puppeh who’s paws reach my shouders at 4 months. so i’m stuck here til further notice, missing bloggie and benedick in ny and jnov in philly this summer. sucks. at the first opportunity, i’ll be up there. xxx

what do we think of a rat running loose at the scene of his crime in the Holy Land of Hotness? (tm benedick)
you guys will be called upon for support as i freak out…again. i must give him the chance to prove he’s faithful or i may as well cash in.
my angel/evil mammy is in haiti, distributing clothing, and whatnot to her family there…it’s still a horror. i take small comfort to have sent her off with my clothes. her daughter has been helping me with the cleaning, but can’t move in…some nonsense about a husband and baby.

oh, if only!!! my method has been limited to psychologically beating the shit out of him.

so, can i put you down for a keychain containing my cremains?

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