Things Not to Say to a Democratic Operative Recording Your Comments Without Permission

“On an audio tape obtained by The Denver Post, [GOP Senate candidate Ken] Buck was caught muttering ‘will you tell those dumbasses at the Tea Party to stop asking questions about birth certificates while I’m on the camera?’ outside a June 11 event in Crowley… Buck has positioned himself as the Tea Party candidate.” [Denver Post]


Sounds like he’s exactly right. Running as the candidate of the dumbasses really requires the candidate to be a dumbass too. Mr. Buck appears to be filling that most basic requirement extremely well.


I still feel ashamed for standing Nojo up on Saturday. It is a long story.

@Tommmcat Still Gets Carly Confused With Meg: If it doesn’t involve a Harry Potter t-shirt soaked in blood, I don’t want to hear about it.

@Tommmcat Still Gets Carly Confused With Meg: Hot asian guy with a bottle of Nair needing an assist to get into his tights?

/Gloating TJ/ Can I just report that I will be on a little sailing excursion this evening with our dear Homofascist? Don’t even tell me you’re not jealous–in fact, there better be rentding of garments and gnashing of teeth when I check back!

@flippin eck:

She is dead to me, do you hear me? DEAD!

He promised I was the only one that could float his boat!

@flippin eck: I’m jealous. All I’m gonna be doing is a staff meeting at the theater. Not exactly the same league of awesome.


I got the coolest Lovecraft T-Shirts at comic-con this year, you would love them.

@IanJ: Don’t forget to make a scene and walk out.

Doesn’t Buck know the old saying: “Run with the teabaggers, you end up getting somebody’s nuts on your forehead eventually.” :)

@flippin eck: Well, I spent the weekend in an airless meeting room at REI learning about all the nasty shit that can happen to you outdoors in the wilderness first aid class, splinting and taping others and getting the same in return. We also went out in the rain for our hands on activities. Ended the day acting unresponsive in the gravel under a tree while my classmates took my vitals and did a patient assessment. My big Monday night will probably include fixing a door and sealing a bathtub at my mother in law’s place. But have fun with the Homofacist Navy.

Funny incident: We were going a patient uncrumple, move and lift when a someone from the little barrio in back of REI came over and asked if we needed an ambulance. I might see if I can sell a magazine article on WFA for outdoors people. One of my classmates tole me that she was out in a group of 12 last summer when she got an ankle sprain. She was the only one with a first aid kit and no one know how to use it.

Wrapped up a brief I started at 6 am. Can I go home now? And why is there no gin back at the house?


See. Now I won’t get anything done for the rest of the day.



@IanJ: Ms. Still and I are off to a week of theater in Ashland, Oregon, so I have nothing to complain about.


@redmanlaw: Is a “patient uncrumple” what it sounds like? Do you need power tools for that?

@Walking Still: What are you going to see?

@Dodgerblue: “Patient uncrumple” is where you find someone all scrunched up and you straighten them out, most often while protecting the spine from movement. I’m inspired to take the Wilderness First Responder course or recertify as a EMT and get licensed this time.

ADD: Paramedic courses only available locally. Gotta travel to Albuquerque 3x/wk for wilderness first responder, EMT or mountain medicine. Dang

@redmanlaw: Buy gin by the case – probably cheaper, it won’t go bad, and your buy-more threshold will be 2 or 3 bottles left.

@Dodgerblue: In order:

Twelfth Night
American Night (Culture Clash! Yay!)
Henry IV (pt 1)
Throne of Blood (Kurosawa’s Macbeth)
Merchant of Venice
Pride and Prejudice

So we start and finish with fun. The rest should have us slitting our wrists by Thursday.

During my brief career as a democratic “operative” (deputy campaign manager, speechwriter, oppo-researcher, and chief cook and bottle washer for a rocket scientist) I was tasked to follow the opponent everywhere he went, with a video camera, for a week. I think that was a hazing thing. The cool thing was, after 2 days, me and the opponent became buddies, and before events where he was to speak, we would hang out together, chat, we became very friendly, he was a nice man. It was so silly, I was embarrassed to be doing it.

Later in the campaign, I became trusted enough, and was the only campaign worker over 30 years old, so I had some “gravitas,” that they had me appearing and speaking at events as a proxy, when my candidate was held up in DC for a vote (during the 2oo2 elections, the republicans would schedule votes during weekends to keep the democrats from being able to go home and campaign.) And the very pinnacle of my political career, I actually attended a debate as a substitute for the candidate, and debated the challenger in a public debate. This was the day after I buried my father, and the opponent was a baptist minister, we were seated up at the podium, we talked about family and stuff, and when I told him, my dad died earlier that week, he was the nicest man, we talked, he was a good guy.

I suppose that was more like what it was like in the old days, it was like a sense of “sportsmanship,” the tone between the campaigns was not hate and insults, but more like competing sports teams, respectful, before and after the game, we shook hands and were freindly.

Its sad and pathetic, what politics has descended to, these days.

@blogenfreude: Quality cheap gin for me is Gordons, I think its as good as Beefeaters, but its getting expensive, I used to be able to get it for $13.99 for a 1.75 liter, now its 17.99. Seagrams is more expensive, and not as good, and Gilbeys, meh. You have any suggestions? Hendricks is the elixir of life, but its fucking $55 for a 1.75 liter. My kingdom for a good, $15 gin.

@redmanlaw: You do deserve a martini after working nearly 12 hours on a brief, and the best cocktail, is the one that is well-deserved.

I’m sorry, but there was entirely too little rentding and gnashing expressed in response to my most gloating threadjack earlier. I shall be forced to go on repeated, awesome Chicago adventures until I melt you all into a puddle of incoherent need and envy.

@flippin eck: I fucking hate you! Hate you! I hate you so much!

@flippin eck: I agree. It was awesome. She even put out.

@flippin eck: I’m sorry, I live in Sandy Eggo. We save our renting and gnashing for overcast days.

@flippin eck: We’re silently sulking, envious of the glamorous lives you beautiful young people in the big city lead. In other words, we’re drinking heavily, as usual, and weeping as we writhe in existential angst.
Hope y’all had fun. Bitches.

@Mistress Cynica: If you think we weren’t drinking heavily too you are mistaken.

@homofascist: Oh sure, rub it in.
Bitter, party of one!

@flippin eck: I was in a silent, depressive funk. Your adventure reminded me how much I missed rowing, but alas, my “lake” is gone.

@Mistress Cynica: +1

We’ve seen the pictures, Flippin’ and Generalissimo. How can we possibly compete? Well, short of me and Prom with a case of $15 gin, on the Ark (beta) with our spawn.

Dammit, Nojo, it’s not nice to make fun of my disabilities in your tweets! I’m an editor and a Bible-reader, so that’s particularly humiliating.

@Nabisco: I expect to see clubhouse pics and hear a full report when you beta test that Ark! Woot!

@flippin eck: You were drunk, dear. It’s the all-purpose excuse.

@flippin eck: Since I don’t like to be judgmental I didn’t say anything but…

@flippin eck: @homofascist: Hey, Chicago Stinquers, I’m going to be in town Aug 9 and 10 for a work-related boondoggle. Dinner? Drinque?

@flippin eck: Oh shit, does this mean I have to return that guy’s money for the days’ use of my underwear?

@IanJ: Heh. I’d suggest only renting outerwear in the future though.

@Dodgerblue: Abso-effing-lutely! You’re gonna get the full Chicago Stinquer Treatment*. Just ask anyone who’s already experienced it about the amount of food/alcohol/fun it entails!

*Chicago Stinquer Treatment available upon request to anyone who stops in for a visit…except Nojo, who need to atone for the tweet first.

@flippin eck: No no no…

It’s an honest question. Look it up.

@flippin eck:

I spent four hours last night working on calculus homework, so consider the clothes officially shredded and the teeth considerably gnashed. Also, copious profanities were yelled at the textbook in a comical, Exorcist-style fashion.

@flippin eck: But you can charge more for underwear.

@nojo: If you rend a garment, then your garment is rent, correct?

@mellbell: 7 And it cometh to pass, at the king of Israel’s reading the letter, that he rendeth his garments, and saith, ‘Am I God, to put to death and to keep alive, that this ‘one’ is sending unto me to recover a man from his leprosy? for surely know, I pray you, and see, for he is presenting himself to me.’ 8 And it cometh to pass, at Elisha the man of God’s hearing that the king of Israel hath rent his garments, that he sendeth unto the king, saying, ‘Why hast thou rent thy garments? let him come, I pray thee, unto me, and he doth know that there is a prophet in Israel.’ 2 Kings 7-8


To rend or to rent? Let the members of the Italian-English forum be your guides.

@Dodgerblue: @flippin eck: Dodger, take it from one who knows: Plan nothing before noon the following day. Those kids play in the big leagues.

@nojo: You mean there may be some wiggle room to claim I was employing an archaic or alternate usage rather than just being dead wrong? Score! I luv Englishese!…also, I’m sorry I said you wouldn’t be wined and dined by the Stinquers if you came to Chicago. You most absolutely would be.

@Original Andrew:

Re: calc homework – hit me up at my nick @gmail if you ever need a live person to cuss about calculus to. I miss the good old days tutoring Physics / Math…

I do, however, reserve the right to go all Socratic on you and refuse to answer questions directly. :)

There is no wiggle room. Unless you’re the earl de Vere writing Shakespeare’s plays anonymously 16 hours a day for years on end just for shits and giggles. Otherwise, I rend my garments so they are rent. Kisses.

Cyn has the best defense: I Was Drunk. “Sorry I ran over the cat – I W D.

Sorry I put your new cashmere cardy in the dryer – I W D.

Sorry I bought the brand new and awesomely powerful iMac when we’re trying to economize – I W D.

@flippin eck: That’s the backstory of the tweet. I looked it up yesterday, discovered Furious Debate (sort of), found it amusing.

Coming soon, if I’m bored: self-referential acronyms and why “ATM machine” is a perfectly acceptable usage.

@nojo: Are you also the type to render (see what I did there?) store or product names plural or possessive for no good reason? This happens a lot at home with the dominant grocery chain, Kroger. It’s not Kroger’s, people, so stop effing calling it that!

@flippin eck: He’s a smooooth talker, is our nojo.

@mellbell: If you are familiar with the Ralphs Market chain in So Cal, you may know that the family name is, indeed, “Ralphs.” Contrast this with that awesome distilled product Jack Daniel’s, allegedly created by the inventive Mr. Daniel.

@IanJ: I have a master’s degree — in bullshitting!

@mellbell @Dodgerblue: I will never, ever, get used to Ralphs.

@Dodgerblue: @nojo: Were it not for The Big Lebowski, I probably wouldn’t be. But that’s what it’s called, so that’s what I’ll call it, if the need ever arises. The one that really used to trip me up was Johns Hopkins.

@nojo: Thank you, Dr. Bullshit. (He’s not a real doctor!)

@mellbell: You’re in luck! Unfortunately, I think they went back to Johns Hopkins on April 2.

@flippin eck: Right. You’d leave on shore with a warm can of Old Milwaukee while you and you fascist friend sail away giggling in delight and toasting each other with hand crafted, ice cold gin fizzes. Yeah, we know your game. Torture the peasants.


The most obnoxious of that style of mispronounciations hands-down is “Wal Mart’s.” Uuuuuggggghhhh! Like fingernails on a chalkboard.


“Is there a doctor in the house??!!!”

“Well, I have a PhD in Botany…”


Each of the problems in this particular assignment took like 45 minutes to complete, had seven parts–a minor mistake in any one of which could blow the whole thing to smithereens–and the actual answers included ludicrous fractions like 112/123 and one had a final answer that had to be calculated to 15 decimal places. If that doesn’t rate an apoplectic “your mother sucks kahks in helllllllllllll,” then I dunno what does. (I got them all correct, btw, but there was much cursing and erasing).

@Original Andrew: You can’t swing a dead squid around here without hitting a juris doctor.

@Benedick: If it’s a really big fuck-up, you pull out the big gun: “I had a brain tumor.” (Actually offered as an excuse by a client of the law firm where I once worked).

@Mistress Cynica:

I once had a client no-show on an appointment–one of my biggest pet peeves–and when I called to demand to know why he missed his appointment, his actual excuse was–and I’m not making this up–“we’ve got an ant infestation and we’re tearing out the walls–we’ve almost found the queen!” One of the very few times in my life I’ve been speechless.

@FlyingChainSaw: Don’t hate, my dear FCS–you seem to be a fairly mobile jetsetter, so you’re welcome to drop by Chicago whenever. Then you and me and “the fascist friend” can party on a boat or onland with the beverage of your choice! Ballantine, even!


A good friend/former roomie from undergrad has a PhD in Bisexual German Studies.

@flippin eck: OMG, please tell me that you and Homofascist and Chicago Bureau and BeRightBack will take Dodger to Big Chix.

And plz take pics. For the sandbox only, of course.

Probably *the* worst hangover I’ve had in 15 years was with you four last fall.

@SanFranLefty: And yet we still ran after a tow truck the next morning. Amazing. And ouch.

@Dodgerblue: And yay! A Stinque-up drinque-up is in order for sure. I’ll start exercising my liver now. Oh hell, I have been for the last month…

@homofascist: I still wonder if that woman ever recovered her car with the dog in it. The dog (stupid Lab) seemed to be enjoying being towed – wow, a car ride, but I’m alone in the car!

And, take the gloves off with Dodger. He needs the full Chicago treatment. Even if BRB has to come back from Canada for it.

@SanFranLefty: Should I start making out with some random dude again in front of my ex? I think that was a really special touching moment of the evening…

@SanFranLefty: Big Chix? You know I like tall women. Or is it a cute misspelling for “Chick’s,” Chick being a guy?

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