Vitamin Water = Sugar? NOOOOO!

Like, who could have predicted?

A federal judge ruled this week that Vitaminwater will not, as its labels promise, keep you “healthy as a horse.” Nor will it bring about a “healthy state of physical or mental being”. Instead, Vitaminwater is really just a sugary snack food; non-carbonated fruit coke disguised as a sports drink. Because it’s composed mostly of sugar and not vitamin-laden water, judge John Gleeson held that Vitaminwater’s absurd marketing claims were likely to mislead consumers.

Coke tried to explain away claims like “vitamins + water = all you need” as “only puffery.” The judge disagreed.

From the opinion:

By including the suggestion that the product will “keep you healthy” or “help bring about a healthy state of physical and mental being” alongside such statements, the quoted language implies that the nutrient content of vitaminwater may help consumers maintain healthy dietary practices. I conclude, therefore, in light of the language and context in which they are used, that the statements on the “defense” and “B- Relaxed” labels constitute implied nutrient content claims which use the word “healthy.” Such claims are in violation of violation of FDA regulations because . . . vitaminwater achieves its nutritional content solely through fortification that violates FDA policy.

And we trusted Coca-Cola to do the right thing. Another American icon laid waste. DAMN YOU PLAINTIFFS’ LAWYERS!!!

Vitamin Water Isn’t Healthy, Rules Federal Judge [Consumerist]

Sport-drink. How the fuck does it work? Activist judge are having all your base. I consume. I demand to be misled. GIVE ME ALL YOUR SHOES!!!

Life is no longer worth living.

Why bother saying it’s healthy? Just have people show up on TV saying it makes them want to fuck harder, longer and more often with all the strangers that suddenly find them irresistible. Don’t need to put anything on the label except for various people in soul-shattering o-face mode.

@FlyingChainSaw: I’m still waiting for Viagra Cola. A growth market to be sure.

Next, some judge will tell me that Diet Coke isn’t good for me. Then what?

@SpongeBobtheBuilder: It’s just not the same as WaterThatMakesEveryoneFuckYouForDaysOnEnd . . . We need claims so outrageous, so obscene that judges won’t want to talk about it in their courtrooms.

@FlyingChainSaw: Here’s a strange thing. At my doctor’s suggestion, I’ve been taking 2000 IU of Vitamin D per day, and I’ve been getting stiffies like I was 13 again. Boing, boing, boing. Maybe you could add this to some sugar-water and call it Bulge Cola.

Breaking – Stabbing Halts Comicon, per usatoday

San Diego Police Sgt. Gary Mondesir said, “Two males got into a dispute and one male stabbed the other male with a pen around the eye socket. Paramedics arrived almost immediately and took the victim to the University of California/San Diego hospital. The suspect was taken away.

Fucking geeks were fighting over a seat in a panel for Paul and Cowboys and Aliens, both of which were shot in New Mexico over the past 18 mos, as was Thor.

@Dodgerblue: D Cola, the Cola that Puts the D in Pestorking.

No, that doesn’t quite work.

Or Priapismol – the Cola That Getsya a Gumby.

Did he think you had a D deficiency or did he think you’d enjoy walking around the office and challenging everyone to hard-on contests 3-9 times a day?

@Dodgerblue: You’ll still be able to use it as an industrial solvent. It might be less toxic than Perc.

@FlyingChainSaw: I see baseball players for celebrity endorsers:

When I want to liven up batting practice, I break out Woody Cola.

@FlyingChainSaw: The former. Although, since everyone I work with is younger than I am, I couldn’t win a wood contest without chemical help.

@Walking Still: When I was a teenager, I worked in a circuitboard shop where we all cleaned our hands in a tub of MEK. Who knew?

@Walking Still: Ooooo! Baseball players! No roid rage, natch.

@Walking Still: Woody Cola! This could work. You know any bottlers?

@Dodgerblue: But vitamin D wouldn’t show up in a typical drug test. Who tests for vitamin D doping?

@JNOV: Is that another dimension to the hard on contest? Like an arm wrestling contest with schlongs?

vitamin D is one vitamin i don’t have to take because i live in the tropics and we get it from the sun…it all makes sense now…..

@FlyingChainSaw: Haha! Yeah, but little boys tend to do it when they’re, um, little, right around the time we all started playing doctor. Some of us examine; some of us swashbuckle…

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