My Eyes, They Bleed

This week’s Us Weekly has the exclusive news that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are getting married.

The anti-Palin blogs of Alaska predicted this engagement two weeks ago, and have also predicted that there will be a subsequent announcement of a reality show featuring the young couple.

Gawker notes that the blog Palingates (which is obsessed with the parentage of Trigg) first offered up the prediction of:

Within the next four to six weeks Palin’s PR people will be releasing news that Bristol and Levi have signed on to “star” in a new reality show. All about young parenting. And yes, they will also work up to a wedding. This is part of the planned “story arc.” Sort of a Bethenny Gets Married but with a faux conservative/young Republicans spin. Levi will be promoted as young, decent, salt of the earth guy, Bristol will be seen dealing with the “challenges” of young motherhood (with Trig and the nannies kept carefully out of sight.) Willow will be on a lot. (Since it’s not like she goes to school.) They’ll attempt to boost rankings in the first few episodes by having Sarah cameos, maybe some Piper thrown in there, but the rest of the time will be a “conservative young marrieds who just happen to already have a baby” theme.

Please Flying Spaghetti Monster, let this not be true! However, given the grifter nature of both the Palin and Johnston clans, I suspect that we will be seeing Bristol asking Levi why they call it Chicken of the Sea if it’s tuna within six months. I also fear another pregnancy within three months.  And then of course we’ll have the televised wedding.


Sarah Palin’s response, released today:

“Bristol at 19 is now a young adult. We obviously want what’s best for our children. Bristol believes in redemption and forgiveness to a degree most of us struggle to put in practice in our daily lives.”


Drug dealers > Grifters

Bristol’s marrying up.

Kathy Griffin = Yente the matchmaker

reality show

“reality” has become as malleable as “facts”

Levi will be promoted as young, decent, salt of the earth guy

thank the baby jesus I have lived long enough to see young, decent, salt of the earth guys doing nude photo spreads.

@Dave H:
Or the rebound gal.

Allegedly, Kathy rode the Levi train.

I’m sorry, I haven’t been able to stop banging my head on my desk since I first posted this news.


They’ll be saving the next pregnancy for Season 2, so that they can squeeze a few eps out of the grueling Palin-Johnston free-association baby naming process, like Fourwheeler, Trampoline or Condombroke.

@Original Andrew: Darling, they’re going to auction off the naming rights to the highest bidder, just like NASCAR.

But why did they photoshop Jane Seymour’s face (circa Dr. Schwinn, Bicycle Woman) onto Bristol’s body?

@flippin eck: She looks a lot like her momma in that photo, and I can’t help but wonder what she’s hiding under her puffy shirt and kid stuck at her torso.

@flippin eck: Jane seymour’s much better looking. Can’t act a lick but the second most beautiful head of hair I ever saw.

actually Nascar has a sort of nice ring, dontchathink.

@Capt Howdy: I figure the next kid will be named Fox Palin-Johnston.
Maybe they’ll really be klassy and uneeek and put an extra x on the name, just for the hell of it and to match Tripp and Trigg.

did we know the age of consent in the Vatican state is 12? thats twelve.
I saw that in a comment and thought it was a joke so I googled – why is the vatican age of consent 12?
answer: because they couldnt make it any lower.

I guess it explains a lot.


They’ve just gotta gets married and start pumping more babies out now at their advanced age, otherwise people will just keep irritatingly asking why they don’t have grandchildren when they’re 35.

As for hunka hunka burnin’ Levi, Queen Teatrash actually seems to have some pretty shrewd lawyers, so they’ve probs got that poor bastard on a punishing vesting schedule instead of a one-time payoff:

Keep your mouth shut and stay married 6 months – new hunting rifle;
36 months – flat screen teevee;
60 months – new Camaro with ground FX



Where do they get these fucking people? The argument here is:

1. Obama mistook his popularity for enthusiasm for his policies.
2. Look at the polls, he was wrong, it was all about his rumored dick size or something.
3. Republicans are riding the same kind of popularity wave right now.
4. But it is not about their policies, it is about Sharon Angle’s dick size or something.

THEREFORE: Republicans better watch out in 2010~!


There is so much wrong with this line of thinking I can’t even begin to start. The thing that bugs me most though, is this:

As the new guy on the-site-that-must-not-be-named pointed out this morning, Republicans would have to practically run the board to win back a majority in 2010. RUN THE BOARD,and even then it would be a 1-vote majority in the senate, and you see how well that is working out for the Dems. This is not speculation on penis size, it is mathematical fact. But do you see this brought up anywhere? Anywhere at all?

Fuck ’em. It is only going to play out better for us in the long run anyway, when the Republicans don’t capture the majority in either chamber and the media, lazy and missing Lindsey Lohan drama now that she is in jail, will start shouting about the MASSIVE UPSET and TERRIBLE BLOW the ‘Puggies took. Reality, actual fucking reasoned discourse will not take place anywhere more public than this site.

We don’t have politics in this country, only really boring pro wrestling with old people in suits.

@Capt Howdy: Isn’t Juliet supposed to 12 in the play? That was generally considered a marriageable age. I think Romeo might be 16. The OH has an aunt who was married at 12 and spent her wedding night playing cards with her 40-something husband. Like Ann of Cleves, if the Laughton movie can be believed.


Hunnie, never ever-ever-ever read that shit-rag. They should require mandatory straight-jackets for their editorial crew, who can barely pause from writing their latest insane screeds demanding apocalyptic thermonuclear annililation of our world’s brown people in order to shoot their idiot mouths off about national politics. That paper is like the villian from a horror franchise. Why won’t the WP die, die, die?

@Original Andrew: And then there’s the recent Broder column that Pareene made merry with: If only teabaggers were more moderate, they’d clean up!


well yeah
but that was, like, 1066 right?
when people died at 35

and if your grandmother had wheels she would be a wagon

@Capt Howdy: Never heard that one before, but it’s a keeper.

@Tommmcat Still Gets Carly Confused With Meg: the new guy on the-site-that-must-not-be-named

I noticed a few weeks back that Jim rejoined the Mothership.


And disappeared into history. He doesn’t fit in there, his posts read like DVD player instructions all-of-a-sudden. I did try.

I can’t find the evidence now (buried in a Prior Website), but I thought Us was somehow involved in breaking the original Preggers story, and that People usually trotted out the Fawning Talibunny Exclusives.

Or I may have my babies mixed up.

Still, something odd about the media play. Did Wenner open his checkbook?


What? Oh, the Palin spawn. I forgot we were talking about that mess.

If you must go back on -thread Nojo, could you warn us somehow?

@nojo: Your memory is correct. Of course Us paid for that exclusive.


The photo crew mixed up the prop babies, too. That child looks absolutely nothing like any of the Palins or the Johnstons. Maybe they just grabbed the wrong one off the conveyor belt at the airport.


I was thinking more BTT, but that works better, I think.

@Original Andrew:

It’s an old photo of Suri Cruise with blond hair ‘shopped in.

@mellbell: @Tommmcat Still Gets Carly Confused With Meg: Oh, great. My dad went to the TB hospital when I was a semi-conscious wee lad. That’s all I ever heard: “TB hospital”. Took me years to figure out what it meant.

/off topic/

Argentina’s senate is voting today on a marriage equality bill that will give gay and lesbian couples 100% equality in their nation. It’s already passed their lower house, and their president, Cristina Fernández de Kirchner, has vowed to sign it. She also launched an impassioned plea for equality under the law (video in espanol with ingles subtitles).

This is what fierce advocacy sounds like:

Mrs. Kirchner harshly criticized church leaders on Monday, saying that their discourse on the issue resembled “the times of the Crusades” and that they failed to acknowledge how socially liberal Argentina had become. “They are portraying this as a religious moral issue and as a threat to ‘the natural order,’ when what we are really doing is looking at a reality that is already there,” the president said from Beijing. “It would be a terrible distortion of democracy if they denied minorities their rights.”

You may view and listen to a live stream of the senate debate, and enjoy the most beautiful accento in the Spanish-speaking world.

@nojo: Strangely, I owe a debt of gratitude to TB (it kept my grandpa at home, churning out kids, during WWII).

@mellbell: I’m pretty sure I exist because my grandpa 4F-ed out of WWII and my dad 4F-ed out of Vietnam.


Or does that put us in dangerous territory?

@nojo: Come on, we thrive on dangerous territory. Some of us practically live for it. Viva la backjack! (Particularly if it can be procured in black with studs/ribs, or some variety of rainbow color scheme with sparkles.)

tj/ Son of RML and I won super cool tickets to the big metal show this weekend – backstage, onstage, VIP lounge, etc. Rob Zombie, Korn, Lamb of God, Alaska’s Five Finger Death Punch etc will be there.

@redmanlaw: Good for you. I have no clue who they are. And you know what? I’m not proud.

@Tommmcat Still Gets Carly Confused With Meg: Surely it can only be a matter of time before newly gay biker IanJ gets something pierced. Should we open a book as to what bodypart it’s going to be?

not so
been a gay biker for about 20 years and I am not pierced.

did you see my book link
Sodomy and the Pirate Tradition

@IanJ: You do enjoy toying with their emotions, don’t you.

@Capt Howdy: One of my fave books. Story of two lovers, one rescued the other saved, the rescued one diving back into the sea to die with his lover. I tell everyone to read it. Actually Ian J should probably read it. It is a fascinating part of our history.

@Tommmcat Still Gets Carly Confused With Meg: Darling, I don’t know those codes.


not the only fish in the sea jokes come to mind.

@Capt Howdy: Read it. You’ll see.

@Tommmcat Still Gets Carly Confused With Meg: You know how it is when they first come out. It’s all assless chaps and Village People.

@Benedick: And lisping. Don’t forget the heavy affected lisp. But only in the city, where it’s safe. If I find myself in the suburbs or rural areas, I man-up real good and affect a swagger that seems to attract ladies and men about equally.

@flippin eck: I, of course, have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.

Two Mayhem acts:

Lamb of God, “Redneck”

Rob Zombie, “Dragula”

Korn lost a guitarist to Jesus in 2003 due to excessive drugs, alcohol, wimmins, you know, the rock star perks. Their bass player is also now a Christian but has not left the band. I last saw Korn when they opened for Metallica in 1997. Much of one of their recent album was written by LA pop hitmakers The Matrix. Singer Johnathan Davis uses a mike stand designed by HR Geiger and married an ex-porn actress.

@Tommmcat Still Gets Carly Confused With Meg: yeah, that guy.

HOLY CRAP! Metal goddess Mistress Juliya (Chernetsky, born in Ukraine) is on the tour! I have her picture on my terminal at work.

@IanJ: More of a leaky ess than a lisp. Think over-aspirated aviolar sibilant more than tongue-thrust.

But you are doing ssssooo well, I am terribly impresssssed.

@IanJ: The sissy thing is sooooo 20th century. Your biker cred will stand you in good stead.

@Tommmcat Still Gets Carly Confused With Meg: He is doing well. I could walk him through Chelsea tomorrow.

@Tommmcat Still Gets Carly Confused With Meg: I hear young women inceasingly having those whistley esses (don’t know if it’s on account of over-aspiration or wot). But it makes them sound like Valley girls with a tooth missing and it’s like fingernails on the blackboard for me.

@flippin eck:

It is an affectation, like the lisp of the Castillian Spanish, which reportedly came about after a prince was afflicted by a real lisp and his courtiers picked it up, making it the fashion.

I think they are emulating that idiot, wossname, the porn star. Paris Hilton.

@Tommmcat Still Gets Carly Confused With Meg: But it makes them sound like Valley girls with a tooth missing and it’s like fingernails on the blackboard for me it makes me want a thervetha.


@Tommmcat Still Gets Carly Confused With Meg: @flippin eck: Thervetha?

That’s like the story of how trousers came to be worn with a crease.

@Tommmcat Still Gets Carly Confused With Meg: I was thinking. Someone should warn IanJ about twinks.


Nah, he’ll slip and fall into one soon enough. We all do. Experience is the best teacher there.

I hope you’re right. We don’t want to find him imitating Beyonce on youtube. I feel a certain responsibility what with the recruiting and all.

I’ve been watching The Big Country. Heston hasn’t taken his shirt off. Yet.

@Capt Howdy:
“if my grandmother had wheels……” Love That! never heard it.
i’m replacing something i say almost every day with it.
“if my grandmother had balls, she’d be my grandfather”

@Tommmcat Still Gets Carly Confused With Meg:
i took your advise..i’m taking the poo to her “spot”
will let you know. tell me tommie–how long did thor take to get it?

@Tommmcat Still Gets Carly Confused With Meg, Benedick: Give me some credit, please darlings. Let’s just say I spend a lot of time in a neighborhood with the highest concentration of queers in the entire state. I’m in good hands. You know what I mean.

@baked, capt howdy: I’ve heard it as “if my grandmother had wheels, she’d be a truck.” Another variation when someone brings up excessive or stupid “what ifs”: “Yeah, and if I had wings, I could fly.” Caution: does not promote elevated discourse.

Speaking of bleeding eyes, I was in Blockbuster the other day (and Dick Cheney is probably going to last longer than that doomed enterprise) and saw that someone made a movie of Cormac McCarthy’s The Road. It appears to have gone straight to video, which I assume means it is bad. Which is good, because if someone ever made a good, faithful, effective movie version of that fucking book, you could make a fortune selling cyanide pills to the people coming out of the theater after it.

@redmanlaw: My Dad always said “if wishes were fishes, we’d never want for food,” and “if wishes were horses, then all the beggars would ride.”

@Prommie: It was a big release it just didn’t stay around long. But big multi-buck production with Viggo Mortenson (sp?)

@redmanlaw: “That and a nickle will buy you a cup of coffee” had a similar meaning.

@Benedick: I don’t think I could survive it, not because its bad, but because truth is painful.

not really a tj given the random nature of this thread: Phone4 recall coming (per gawker)?


Ah, a while. maybe he was 9 or 10 months or so before it stopped happening inside completely. But the frequency slowed down way before that.

Soak a rag with the PP when he goes inside, then take it out to the spot as well. It works.

@Prommie: The studio screwed up the marketing, release date (probably not something you want to watch before or after Thanksgiving dinner), etc., but I have heard good things.

@mellbell: Have you read the novel? Its relentlessly horrific. Great, but wrenching.

@Prommie: It played in the theaters for a while. One of our friends saw the author in a local Ross Dress for Less the weekend it was released.

One of my FB friends said that is the only book that ever gave him PTSD.

@Prommie: It is good but I found the ending strangely sentimental in an ‘uplifty’ kind of way. But some very fine scenes.


I’d try and stay OUT of that bathouse, dear. Tiny livestock!

@redmanlaw: I would not have read it if I had known, and you keep reading it hoping for one ray of sunshine, and there are none (literally and figuratively).

@Benedick: I was surprised the end of the novel suggested hope, though it was clearly meant to be a tiny, faint, far-off hope of a future not be reached without generations more of suffering. Now that I think of it, that was just about the right end. Each day survived is victory.

@redmanlaw: Don’t know about an iPhone recall, but Apple’s holding an emergency presser Friday. My guess is that everyone gets bumpers.

No problems with my iPhone. I can do the Grip of Death, but I rarely make calls on it.

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