You’re Either On or Off the Island
8:25 pm. When we got our iPad, one of the first things we tested was the streaming-video Netflix app, and we decided to test that with the Lost pilot. We’ve never seen the Lost pilot. We heard it was really good. But as they say, hearing is the second thing to go.
At some point over the past six or seven or eleventy years, we must have seen an episode. It was so padded with filler and flashbacks, we never watched another. Until tonight.
Why tonight? We don’t want to write about Rand Paul again, so we need some gimmick.
Also, we grew up on television. Among our earliest memories is watching the Fugitive finale at our aunt’s house. The Fugitive finale was stunning. He caught the One-Armed Man. The End.
Everyone was shocked. There had never been a The End on an American television series. There wouldn’t be another until Mary Tyler Moore’s Traveling Group Hug. These days, of course, we get 150-minute specials.
8:47 pm. TheStarterWife, one of our old Defamer pals still active on Deadspin, tweeted the other night that The Empire Strikes Back would never have survived the Twitter era. Which is why we’re avoiding the Internet right now. New York and Chicago know too much.
8:54 pm. When was the last time we watched ABC? The Oscars. And the time before that? The Oscars. And the time before that? The Barney Miller finale.
9:02 pm. They’re loading up the jet for its Fateful Flight. Looks like we didn’t miss anything!
9:08 pm. “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.” Did somebody just say that? Really?
9:11 pm. Hey, look! A Hobbit!
9:17 pm. “Yes, Desmond. You will.” Annnnnd, commercial. Is every act break this hacky? Is that supposed to be part of the fun?
9:27 pm. Leo DiCaprio is playing a grown-up again. He’s so adorable when he dresses up!
9:32 pm. Did we miss the episode where they arranged logs on the beach to spell SOS for an overhead astronaut, only a log got bumped and it ended up spelling SOL, which was the astronaut’s name? Are we the last viewer in America to attempt a Gilligan’s Island reference? Does anyone know the Professor’s first name?
9:41 pm. We’re actually not confused by the alternate-reality scenes. Some things you learn through cultural osmosis.
9:54 pm. Ladies and gentlemen, the first commercial we’ve seen for the Pill. Introducing Yaz! Which is the sound you make when the indicator stays blue.
10:05 pm. Note to self: Never uncork an island.
10:13 pm. Wimp. Sarah Palin could hold it for three flights.
10:25 pm. Chicks with AK-47s: Guaranteed awesome.
10:34 pm. We were told there would be a debate about Faith & Reason. Where’s the debate about Faith & Reason?
10:35 pm. “I love you!”
“I love you!” “I know!” Harrison Ford was right.
10:40 pm. Box score: iPad 2, Droid 2. The Geek Showdown might go into overtime!
10:47 pm. Weird. The barista was handing us change the other day, and we had a sudden mutual flashback to Splash Mountain.
10:55 pm. Watch out for the falling Styrofoam!
11:14 pm. Mein Fuhrer! I can valk!
11:19 pm. Church? Check. Baptismal pond? Check. Crying Virgin? Hold on, must still be in the prop shop.
11:24 pm. Ah. This entire series was based on a rejected plotline for Six Feet Under.
11:27 pm. A little creepiness before we go: And the baby? Dead too.