Secret Update #342

Greetings, fellow travelers. Once again, it is time to update those of who you on the progress we have made in bringing about the age of the Anti-Christ. As you know, due to the extreme sensitivity of our project, these posts are all closed to public viewing (Since this is my first post of this nature, I got instructions on how to limit viewership to dues paying members from NOJO. I believe I have done it right, though the precise HTML code to use it is a little confusing). Please do not share this post with anyone from outside the INNER CIRCLE.

At any rate, welcome Manchucandidate and all members of the Council on Foreign Relations. Welcome Homofascist and all members of the gay conspiracy. Welcome JNOV and your fellow Masons. Blogenfreude and the Secret Society for World Socialism. Welcome Promnight and the members of the Abortion Maximization Committee. And welcome everyone else whose names and affiliations I simply do not have tie to list in this column. Our numbers are growing rapidly as the age of the Anti-Christ approacheth.

The subject of this update concerns the Federal Census, which as you know, is an enumeration of Christians for their eventual slaughter at the hands of the Beast. I would like to report that the Census, which has generally been a resounding success, is becoming something of a headache for us this year. The problem is that ever since that damned Michelle Bachmann warned Christians of our plans, many have been purposefully boycotting the Census. This is a real problem for the movement, as you well know, since it makes it much more difficult to know how large and how many internment camps we must build. I just got off the Phone with our leader Barack Obama and he is steamed about this. After a long discussion during which we both agreed that the Book of Revelations, the prophesies of Nostradamus and the Gospel of Judas all indicate the Final Days are upon us, it was decided that we must redouble our efforts to convince Christians, Patriots and TEA Party members to RETURN THEIR CENSUS FORMS. To that end, I shall ask that each of you contact your group’s foremost propagandists and have them submit Op Eds and editorials to your local newspapers arguing that EVERYONE should return their Census data (AKA bear the Mark of the Beast) because it is in their political interest to do so. Here is a good example of one such editorial that even mentions Bachmann by name: LINK. Thank you, Pedonator, for writing that wonderful piece. We will probably fill two whole internment camps with the numbers who responded with their census forms after that piece alone was written.

And that is all for now, fellow travellers. Remember KEEP THIS INFORMATION SECRET. Should any of this fall into the wrong hands, our efforts to enumerate the righteous would suffer a devastating blow.


I still say Mike Lee is an asshole.

If I’m in charge of a committee to count foreigns fundies then I would like to have a robe, made of tinfoil and painted with the finest acrylics and request that my illuminati number end with 666.

That is all.

I like this. May I be the Secretary of Depravity? Isn’t that a wonderful word, “depravity?”

I can haz foreign relations, plz? Ma Nabisco may have veto power, but you guys/gays/gals can always invoke the nuclear option, ‘mkay?

@Prommie: I would like to be the Undersecretary for Thai Hookers.

I’m looking forward to leading the fashion re-education efforts in the camps, with my fellow fashionistas SFL, Jamie, Flippin, and HF. Already working on the syllabus for “Bless your heart, tramp, you’re a hot mess”, beginning with “Week One: Stretch Pants Are NOT Your Friend.”

@Dodgerblue: We will need a regulatory arm, similar to the FDA meat inspection and grading program, which will inspect and grade strippers, according to whether they are institutional grade, select, prime, and choice.

Gay UK Soldier Marries – and Not to His Horse

“One of the British Army’s oldest regiments, the Household Cavalry, has celebrated its first civil partnership.

“Lance Corporal James Wharton, 23, who was the first gay soldier to be featured on the cover of Soldier magazine last year, tied the knot with air steward Thom McCaffrey, 21.”

@Mistress Cynica:
And Day Two of Week One will be devoted to SFL’s powerpoint, “Tights are Not Pants, Especially When Your BMI is Greater than 35”

And may I propose, “Week Two: Pajamas Are For Inside the House”

Can I have charge of the reading programs?

@Mistress Cynica: @SanFranLefty: Excellent. I’m hard at work on the Week 3 curriculum as we speak: The Art of Wearing Undergarments So They Are Not Visible. We start with basics–such as no corsets as outerwear, no thong straps above the waistline, no black bras under sheer, white tops–and we end the week with advanced technique: the flash test!

@flippin eck: You’ll probably have to devote two sessions of Week 3 to “The Top of Your Thong Underwear Sticking out of Your Pants is Not Attractive”

Is there still a place on the Committee for the Corruption of College-Age Vietnamese Gymnasts (CCCAVG)?

@Prommie: It’s certainly never attractive on the women who will be rounded up for Barack Hussein Obama’s internment camps.


And at least one full week to “For Christ’s Sake Nothing Looks Worse Than White Gym Socks and Loafers”.

@SanFranLefty: Just do something about the “muffin-top” thing, please.

@Prommie: And tights worn under shorts, once you’re out of preschool.

@mellbell: Oh yes, jeggings! The acid-washed jeggings that Ciara is wearing threw a splash of acid in my eye.

@mellbell: I recently saw them for sale in Walgreens. ‘Nuff said.

I’ll take “Gym Wear: You cannot work out with your breasts out.”

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: But is it acceptable to “rock out with your cock out?”

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: The other day at the Y there was a Marina ex-sorority chick who “ran” on the treadmill next to me for about two minutes with a full face of makeup and her long hair down and loose. I think she gave up when she realized she might start sweating and/or that it’s hard to actually run in some sort of tanktop push-up bra.

@Tommmcatt Loves The Giant Floating Head: Any color of socks with Crocs? Hell, just Crocs with or without socks?

@Prommie: It’s not just acceptable, it’s encouraged.

@Pedonator: No Crocs EVER, unless you’re performing surgery. We will also be covering “Flip Flops are for the Beach” and “Capri Pants are for Audrey Hepburn and Girls Age 10 and under.”
@mellbell: That airhead Gwyneth Paltrow wore them on Oprah, and the delusional masses followed. Ladies, please: things that look good on Gwyneth or Audrey will never look good on anyone else. It’s scientific fact. Don’t go there.

@Pedonator: Speaking as an expatriate Oregonian, I will go to my grave defending the right to wear socks with Birks.


Crocs are for dogs to chew on. They last forever.

You can wear them on the AIDS Ride, too, but that’s it.


The salient point, I feel, is whether or not you would wear them IN your grave like that. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed, etc. …

@nojo: At least reassure me you’re talking about those nubbly, multicolored “hiking” socks and not plain white ones. This is marginally better, but not by much.

/Gay animal TJ/
A Facebook friend linked to this interesting and thoughtful article about the history of observing homosexual behavior in animals, the way current research is evolving to be more open to all sorts of biological possibilities, and how nearly everyone is guilty of a lot of unscientific anthropomorphism on this topic in particular. That said, here’s my favorite light-hearted quote from the article:

One primatologist speculated that the real reason two male orangutans were fellating each other was nutritional.

@flippin eck: Yes, no footie whities. Although back in Eugene, the Birk store sold socks with toe fingers.

My Chicago friend — ahem — used to say that you could tell it was winter in Oregon, because everyone wore thick socks with their Birks.

@flippin eck: You should see Hitchens’ memoir of his public school days for his theory as to why his public school was apparently a constant, non-stop, 24-7 roaring orgy of heterosexual males wantonly frigging, jacking, blowing and fucking one another. He says its because they were horny, of all things.

I like crocs; they are my favorite dress, crocs, just crocs, nothing but crocs.

@nojo: Wool sox (I like the charcoal grey*) and Tevas. Remember, I used to concentrate my practice on federal environmental law.

*Got them on now with my Jesse James brand khaki work pants from Wal-Mart. They’re not bad for the office with the window open on this cool, cloudy spring afternoon and the button down shirt, cardigan and Timbaland chukkas that I also wear while raking dog shit or when going out to the range.

@Prommie: OMG the cooking, the crocs, it all adds up: You’re actually Mario Batali, right?

@redmanlaw: Smart wool. How did I live without them?

@Mistress Cynica: Amen to the “Flip Flops Are For the Beach” session. Every summer I have to have a little “What Not to Wear to an Office” session with our interns and along with doing flippin’s “The Art of Wearing Undergarments” explain that plastic shower sandals (I call them “chancletas” because of a Cuban roommate or “jandals” because of a Kiwi friend) are not appropriate even in our casual non-profit office, and besides the streets of the Financial District are too nasty to be slopping along in them. Had my “told you so” moment a few years ago when young lass who ignored the numerous requests to not wear her chancletas to the office stepped off a curb into the gutter and proceeded to slice her foot open on a broken bottle and twist her ankle.

That said, flip-flops are still not as evil as Crocs, though.

@redmanlaw: I wear purposefully mis-matched wool socks with my Birks in colder weather. They are easily 20 years old (the socks; the Birks only fifteen). It not only looks bedraggled and therefore hip, it drives Ma Nabisco totally crazy. And makes my kids laugh, which of course is my current raison d’etre.

Crocs are great for kids. Someone gifted me a pair, and I swear they shrunk on me so fortunately I never have to wear them.

Mind you, I married into a culture where track suits, Adidas shower chancletas and black socks often pass for evening wear.

@ナビスコ: the Birks only fifteen

Poser. Mine are rounding thirty.

@ナビスコ: Oh honey, you used the word “chancletas” – will this become the secret Stinque safe word??

ADD: Land of Albanian lesbian/lesbianians?

@ナビスコ: Hey, my iPad’s still in China. Can you drop next door and tell them to get a move on? I need it Saturday.

@nojo: Hot date on Saturday?

Might be more efficient for me to swing by Cupertino and ask Little Stevey Jobs to crack the whip.

@nojo: Mr Cyn actually wore completely through the cork soles of his last pair. The people at the Birkenstock store took pictures.

@Mistress Cynica: I’m not sure there’s any original equipment left on my 1981 Birks. Maybe the buckles.

There’s a philosophical debate about the nature of identity in that.

@SanFranLefty: I’ve been practicing my fresh multitouch moves for weeks.


The laptop is Zim, and the iPhone is Gir. Dib and Gaz are hard drives, so they’re taken, as is Rubber Piggy. This might take some thought.

why the hatin on the crocs? i love mine, though i only wear them for gardening. i wouldn’t risk ruining any other shoes while crawling through the grounds.
ma daddy, best dressed man in ny says, “dressing well means dressed appropriately for the occasion.”

@nojo: Yep, I was a late adopter, and my first pair was stolen. Somewhere there is a 5’5″ Guatemalan with a size 45 Birk hanging on his wall.
@nojo: I’m closer to Friedman’s favorite destination on this great flat earth, but I can certainly score you some original discounts on lingerie.

@SanFranLefty: I may need that safe word now that I’ve posted that linquey. The walls, zey have eyez.

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