Stand Up and Be Discounted
The Colbert Report scores! No, wait — they’re on vacation this week. So hats off to the Onion for another outstanding — hold on, not them either.
Well, somebody gets credit, because a video as awesome as this couldn’t possibly be real:
I am Kirk David Lyons, chief trial counsel of the Southern Legal Resource Center. Every single week, the Southern Legal Resource Center receives letters from across this great land of ours, from people of Southern ancestry, who complain of being discriminated against, harassed, humiliated, terminated from employment, their children suspended from school — simply because they are proud of their Confederate ancestry.
What to do when you’re “faced with this type of persecution without legal protection”? Simple: Declare yourself a “Confederate Southern American” on the Census! Or “Confed Southern Am”, since the race question on the form only allows 19 characters.
“We can start the process to give the Southern community here in America a voice again,” says Mr. Lyons. Because lord knows that Southerners have been silent for far too long.
Eye Opener: Group wants southerners to put ‘Confederate Southern American’ on the Census [WaPo]
Say, weren’t the CSA considered traitors to US America or summtin?
I should know better than to read WaPo comments in the first place, but if I see another comment along the lines of “I’m a member of the HUMAN race,” I’m seriously gonna lose it.
@mellbell: Ok, this one is actually pretty good:
It is disgusting that race pimps like Obozo are in charge of the country. We are Americans and that is what I put on my form.
Is there room for them to just write “fucktard?” They are barking up the wrong tree, seeking protected status on the basis of national origin; they should seek ADA protection, on account of they are fucktarded.
this must be some lame attempt, like the NAAWP, to respond to the Southern Poverty Law Center.
@Capt Howdy: My first thought as well. And people wonder why I worked so hard to lose my Southern accent. I give you exhibit A.
With all due respect, sir, the only dude who can rock a walrus moustache is Sam Elliot.
They’re “entitled” to “sympathetic representation”?
I’d like to live in a country where traitorous fucktards are prosecuted for sedition, but I’m not so stupid as to suggest that I’m entitled to.
@Capt Howdy: Clicky the linky, dude is a lawyer and the organization sues on behalf of fucktards who weren’t allowed to wear their stars and bars to work and school and shit. Has a theory that southerners should be able to claim protected status by virtue of national origin under Title 7. This is obviously a ridiculous theory. Thats why I think they should go for protected status as “fucktards” under the Americans with Disabilities Act. He could actually use his fucktarded legal arguments as proof that he is fucktarded and thus disabled! Res Ipsa Loquitor.
@karen marie: Hmm, can I sue to demand that I look good in all photos that are taken of me?
@Prommie: Baby, this is America. Of course you can!
I am currently sporting a Klingon handlebar.
my boyfriend says he feels like he is dating a mustache.
I wasn’t aware that the Census applied to farm animals – should these pigs even be filling one out?
@Capt Howdy: You have a ways to go.
I hate when pics of me are released without my permission.
TJ: The Christian Taliban fights against a sexy ghey Jeebus.
I always wanted the full “Elliot Gould,” but I am not that hairy.
Im sort of hairy but not THAT hairy.
@rptrcub: They moved the play to 8:00 am? I love the smell of wood in the morning.
@nojo: And Yosemite Sam …
Seriously – I like this guy’s idea. This would make it easier to determine where wingnut concentrations are highest … it could be GPS app, and you’d know what areas to avoid.
First of all, “Australopithecus Am” (sorry, Lucy) also fits on the form.
Secondly, that is the seediest porn star moustache I have ever seen. Thirdly, do Confederate/states rights advocates realize how truly dysfunctional the CSA government was? The CSA’s political history can be summed up in one word: clusterfuck.
Of course the CSA government was a clusterfuck – it’s just like what we’re seeing with the teabaggers. It’s hard to conduct a large-scale war without a strong central government, and it’s ESPECIALLY hard to have a strong central government after starting that same war over “state’s rights”.
On reflection, can we get some legislation to have “Confederate Southern Americans” counted as 3/5ths of a person for the census? Fair’s fair, after all. :)
(note: I’m aware that not all Southerners owned slaves, or supported the practice. But *these* douchenozzles certainly would have, given the chance).
@nojo: I refuse to sport any facial hair that would impede my ability to pass through normal doors. That dude would be lost in a rotating door, nothing left but two chubby cheeks dripping blood.
Total child molester mustache.
You probably realize, unlike this asswipe, that doing this will only prompt a phone call and/or a visit by an enumerator since the Census Bureau doesn’t recognize the race of Confed Southern Am. This aligns the Bureau with 99.999% of the world’s population; the sole exception being the handful of morons who are still waiting to see how the War of Yankee Aggression turns out.
Put in even simpler terms, every person following this clown’s advice will COST MORE MONEY from you the taxpaying southern American!! So much for advocating smaller federal government.
@Dave H: Oh, you’re so cute thinking that Southern states have a net tax payment to the federal guvmint.
@SanFranLefty: True enough. It just shows the benefit of returning the same white guys to Congress and the Senate for 50 or 60 years. Southern seniority morphs into pork whether they are Republicans (now) or Democrats (until the Civil Rights Act).
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