Daddy’s Little Girl
We do our best to ignore Liz Cheney, in part because we haven’t yet figured out why anybody else pays attention to her. But with the release of her fearmongering group’s latest video, impugning the motives of lawyers who defended Gitmo detainees — calling them the “Al Qaeda Seven” — we’re forced to reveal our theory for her prominence:
Liz Cheney is a living Horcrux.
It involves complicated Dark Magic, but at some point in the past forty-three years, Dick Cheney killed a man, thereby splitting his own soul. (Granted, this requires that Dick Cheney has a soul, which remains in dispute.) By depositing part of that soul in his daughter, Dick himself cannot be killed — which explains how he has survived multiple heart attacks.
But as students of the subject know, a single Horcrux is weak insurance towards infernal immortality. And we indeed have evidence that Dick Cheney attempted to create a second Horcrux — although Harry Whittington lived.
The final part of our theory is self-evident: Liz Cheney, like her father, speaks Parseltongue, the language of snakes. We hear only hissing, but to the demons of our polity they both make perfect sense.
Ex-Chief Military Commissions Prosecutor Defends Slandered DOJ Attorneys [Washington Independent]