Wal-Mart Hates Girl Scouts
Insatiable in its mission to turn America into a company town, Wal-Mart has cast its Happy Face of Sauron at its next target:
Wal-mart has fake Girl Scout cookies in ‘beta’ distribution, on their way to a national rollout. Because the cookies are ‘reasonable facsimiles’ of the authentic Girl Scout cookies (I sampled them myself at BlogHer ’09 last week) and are being sold at an everyday low price, these cookies are poised to snatch cookie sales right out of the hands of the Girl Scouts themselves.
Thin Mints alone account for 25 percent of Girl Scout cookie income. While similar chewies are already on the market, Wal-Mart appears to be the first to knock off Tagalongs. Thanks to the free market, America will finally have a choice.
Wal-Mart Knocks Off the Girl Scouts [Authentic Organizations, via Sully]
What other untapped markets is the scum store from Arkansas going to shit on next?
So they also have greeters go into the streets, find Girl Scouts, and push them over to make them cry?
Because it’s not capitalism until somebody cries.
@Tommmcatt Floats: The Girl Scouts are free to offer blow jobs in the parking lots of Wal-Mart stores if they cut in Wal-Mart for 85% of the take and spend the other 15% in the store.
The Scouts here will freak out because they set up in front of Wally World (as well as grocery and pet stores) during cookie sale time to move product in addition to the door to door effort.
/ in wal mart today picking up Mepps spinners for panfish and .30-30 ammo for target practice. The local gun stores want retail + 60 percent for the same cartridges.
TJ/ Let’s focus on what’s really important people:
Unto us a new baby PANDA has been born. That’s right, you’ll be able to waste hours of your employer’s time glued to its antics on the panda-cam, if the unprepared IT trolls at the San Diego Zoo ever get the bandwidth to handle all the traffic (site was totally crashed last time I checked). It’s Butterstick II! Huzzah!!!
@Mistress Cynica: What? It’s our panda? I live only a mile or two from the zoo — am I supposed to go all Ana Marie on this?
@nojo: Can I name the little fart engine?
@FlyingChainSaw: Please do. I’m just a plebe with these things.
I propose “Bar-B-Que”.
@FlyingChainSaw: I propose “Mombassa” in honor of Barry Soetero’s birthplace.
Have we seen Pander Bear’s birth certificate?
@nojo: “Eats Shoots and Leaves” Palin?
In other news: Molly Ringwald is 41 fucking years old.
That news makes me feel legitimately old.
Mistress Cynica: “Beautiful baby, very robust cub — definitely has a good set of lungs on it,” says Kathy Hawk of the Panda Research Team. The cub wasn’t just seen but clearly heard, making squeaking noises.
Squeaky it is, then.
Fuck WalMart. Anyone who buys those cookies should be sacked.
@chicago bureau: @Tommmcatt Floats: “Squeaky.” Ultra-cute and perfect!
Depressing: a lawyer we knew here who died last year gets a “Procurement Code Institute” continuing legal education seminar named after him.
@Mistress Cynica: True but is it Stinque.com relevant? How about Stinquey?
DEVELOPING HARD: Sotomayor WIN 68-31. Rahm’s Day of Jubilee.
the New Lady Justice, y’all.
I can only imagine what kind of shit Thurgood Marshall would have gotten in this day and age.
America – Fuck Yeah!
@redmanlaw and chicago bureau: And the GOP continues its march to being a marginalized regional party. Latino voters will NOT forget this one.
@chicago bureau: Man, don’t get me started on how old I felt the last time I watched Breakfast Club.
ADD: Best of all, Al Franken announced the vote.
@chicago bureau: @redmanlaw: Hopefully this means Rahm has some time to ram some goddamn healthcare fucking reform legislation through the goddamn motherfucking legifuckingslature.
@The Nabisco Quiver: . . .goddammit to muthafuckin’ hell . . .
WHAT?!!!!!!!! GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKERS!!!
@Jamie Sommers: I forgot you were a Girl Scout troop leader. Go get SprawlMart, Jamie!! Faster, Jamie, faster!!
@SanFranLefty: Injunction their ass.
Why would someone want to hurt Girl Scouts selling cookies? WTF? Could there be anything more innocent to exploit for profit?
@Jamie Sommers: I was waiting for you to show up.
To be fair, I make it a point not to look the scouts in the eye when they’re selling outside the Freddie because otherwise I’m gonna go home with five boxes of Tagalongs, and my gut doesn’t need the help.
Pretty scummy on SprawlMart’s part, but then again, Keebler sells cookies that come pretty close to the GS varieties too.
@Jamie Sommers: It’s fucking trademark or servicemark infringement or something, isn’t it? Have every fucking Girl Scout in America put on their dress blues or whatever and go to WalMart and fall to their knees in the foyer shrieking, “Hey, do you know that Wal-Mart wants to bankrupt the Girl Scouts? Why does Wal-Mart want to murder the Girl Scouts? Why? Why? Whyyyyyyyyy?” A few weeks of twisted feature photos in newspapers all over the states may sway them, at least in communities where there may be other stores. I am sure they’d barbeque and eat the Girl Scouts as soon as look at them.
@Signal to Noise: Just buy their Peanut Butter cookies and send them to me. I will pay a 15% finders fee.
@nojo: “Good evening, Mr. Bond . . . “
@Signal to Noise: I can’t eat Thin Mints responsibly, so I often buy cookies from the Girl Scouts and then proceed to put the box(es) in the Food Pantry collection bins.
@FlyingChainSaw: Jamie and her troop could call the PHX media and stage a cookie die-in at the nearest SprawlMart.
@chicago bureau: The Adkisson Brigades and their controllers in the RNC will be responding in 3, 2, 1. . . I hope the Secret Service has some monster marksmen around her for the next 10-15 years. Anyone who voted GOP is shrieking for her death right now as well as Obamas. The Black Man put a Brown Lady on the SC, proof Obama is a Kenyan operative bent on eliminating or subduing all of White America and establishing a caliphate. The insane, barking rage of these people will doubtless redouble at the health-insurance reform Town Halls, now that Justice S has been seated. The Democratic Congressmen who appear should not enter the hall without Secret Service details and crack marksmen in position.
Geez. I bring up Molly Ringwald, and BAM! — John Hughes dies.
@chicago bureau: Dude wasn’t even 60. Shit.
Walmart doesn’t care about Girl Scouts, because they don’t force you to believe in God, the way the Boy Scouts do.
Yet another reason for me to avoid shopping in Walmart.
Yeah! Call the TV stations. They’ll love it. Hundreds of girls in tears, cursing Wal-Mart. JamiesS shaking her fist at the camera vowing revenge in the name of America and hurling abuse at the monstrous horror that Wal-Mart is, the largest retailer of slave-manufactured goods to ever curse the earth!
@SanFranLefty: Jamie and her troop could call the PHX media and stage a cookie die-in at the nearest SprawlMart.
@chicago bureau: Why did you kill John Hughes?
@Signal to Noise: True, but Grasshoppers fly under the radar of most consumers. I bet if you asked a random grocery shopper to name off the top of their head different varieties of Keebler cookies those would come in a distant fifth after E.L. Fudges, Fudge Stripes, Soft Batch, and Sandies. And no, I didn’t eat disgusting amounts of cookies as a child, why do you ask?
@WaltTrombone: But they’re the only place in town that had the Mepps panfish lure selection – honest!
Looks like a monsoon coming our way this afternoon, anyway. So much for the lake. *sigh* The bluegill shall be spared. Guess we’ll work on Mrs RML’s mountain bike tonight.
@mellbell: Heart attack during his morning walk. See where exercise gets you?
Are they going to light Sixteen Candles at his funeral?
*As much as I enjoyed the Breakfast Club and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, I can’t get over Home Alone and the MacCauly.
@Mistress Cynica: Maybe I’ll go out on the trout stream or in pursuit of game. More likely: face down in leftovers working through lunch.
No, lawsuits take too long and are cost prohibitive. Walmart never settles.
The way to do it is to start a campaign on the intertubes about the knockoffs.
You see, they’re made with an controversial preservative widely used in China but banned by the FDA because the compound is the chemical equivalent of rat poison. Walmart ignored the FDA ban in order to lower its production costs for the cookies. Unfortunately, the poisoned Great Value cookies have already caused the deaths of 15 seniors and permanently injured over 100 children. The Obama administration is trying to intervene but government bureaucracy moves too slow to protect us. John Stossel is already putting together a 20/20 program all about it and Walmart’s cover-up. It’ll air this week or next. In the meantime, don’t buy any “Great Value” cookies from Walmart and be sure to forward this email to everyone you know. It’s a matter of life or death!!
@Jamie Sommers: I thought crying Girl Scouts would be sufficient to get Wal-Mart to back down, but yikes.
@Jamie Sommers: Hmmm…
Can you provide a source for that? I should update the main post with it.
@nojo: I’m sure I saw it on World Net Daily (or maybe Drudge) but I don’t see it now. Walmart lawyers probably made them take it down. That’s how far the conspiracy goes.
@Jamie Sommers: Kick ass, Jamie! Rip their faces off! Don’t worry. None of us will be eating any slave cookies!
@Jamie Sommers: I heard it said that some of the cookies had in them the fingernails of the six year old children who work in the Chinese cookie factory assembling the knock-offs. I saw it on the Intertubez so it must be true.
@FlyingChainSaw: So, we have a Black President and only 31 U.S. Senators are proven racist assholes. I guess that’s some kinda progress.
And the fetal filling! Shameful.
@Dodgerblue: Most of that 31 could not care less, probably a very small minority really believe Justice Sonia is subhuman. Most all of them are just fucking cowards who suck the balls of the criminal cult behind the RNC. I’d like to lock the 31 twits into a cell with a couple hundred of the skinheads whose votes they solicit with their neofascist pretense.
@Tommmcatt Floats: I have to admit the fetal filling is rather tasty.
@mellbell: @Tommmcatt Floats:
E. L. Fudges and the Fetal Fillings would be an awesome band title. Psychobilly swing with a hint of the Memphis Horns.
@WaltTrombone: Nabisco Jr. and I are subverting the Scout paradigm. I’m interested to hear what he thought of the required chapel session during this week’s scout camp.
Ooh, TJ/ Rush likens the Dems to Nazi because Hitler was an environmentalist. Three shades of awesome.
@The Nabisco Quiver: Hitler probably wouldn’t have been a fan of the Clear Air Act.
/ducks from bricks thrown by law.stinque.com’s favorite Jewish environmentalist…
Everything about our new economy screams “Potterville.” Right down to the women forced into prostitution, does anyone remember that scene from Its a Wonderful Life, or is it mentally edited out of whats become a Christmas movie?
@FlyingChainSaw: You make an interesting point, inadvertantly. The scum sucking swine who control the GOP are not the drooling fundies or the racist redneck nascar dad angry white dudes of the south, mideast, and mountain states. The scumsucking swine are, probably in equal measure, the wall street finance racketeers, the oilmen, and the military industrial complex contractors.
But they remain anonymous, and we are succesfully duped into focusing our rage on the people they control, people who are really just their dupes, the fundies and racists and morons (by “morons” I mean the senators from the ex-CSA) and paultards.
And we focus our rage on random retards like Demint and the teabaggers, when these people are just the instruments of the secretive, hidden, unknown people who pull the strings.
Fuck the town meetings, we should be massing by the millions in Greenwich and wherever else these people live, and maybe making them a little afraid of the wrath of the people.
Fox and hateradio wouldn’t survive without an audience. These people aren’t dupes, they’re a threat to the nation and to the survival of our species. If it were merely about the power of money, we’d all be eating rad Miracle Whip.
@nojo: We’re all driving their cars and living in their developments and working the jobs they allow us to have. Being able to choose non-GI produce and real mayonaise is the illusion of choice and economic power that blinds us to our real status as pawns of the hidden, secretive cabal that pulls the strings of the GOP and uses the media it controls to create and incite that audience you speak of.
@Promnight: It’s a Wonderful Life is one of my top five movies and primarily due to the subversiveness of the message of Potterville (Mr. SFL’s favorite line in the movie is “Gee, Mary, why do we have all these kids anyway” as the indication of the environmental timebomb overbreeding will lead to). I’ve never understood how a movie so scathing in its indictment of the evil CEOs and bizness men that control the world is now considered a saccharine holiday movie. Maybe the GE CEO thinks he can innoculate himself by showing it nonstop from Turkey Day through Jesus’ Birthday.
@Promnight: Hypnosis only works on the suggestible. You cannot create an audience that does not exist. Like I’ve said many times, folks voted for Reagan in 1980 because they wanted to be lied to. You’re welcome to pity the fools, but they put all of us at risk.
hey! one of my kittehs is named S*ueaky! (yes, still missing that letter)
reds, didn’t michael moore rid walmart of ammo?
i think we should all arm ourselves with contraceptive dart guns and shoot them into the fat asses of the walmart shoppers.
@baked: Wal-Mart no longer sells handguns or handgun accessories such as holsters (although the $6.95 pellet gun holster I got there fits my new Ruger 22/45 and the extra magazine pretty well).
I think it was K Mart that quit selling handgun ammo (i.e., 9mm, .38 special, .357 magnum, although rifles are available that shoot such handgun calibers – anyway . . .) when Michael Moore put the heat on them, thereby ceding the market to Wally World where I scored two boxes of deer rifle ammo for target practice yesterday. (I’m saving the good stuff for actual hunting). I also get handgun ammo at Wally’s to stock up when it’s available, but I usually buy from the locally owned shop when they are not trying to gouge us in the current ammo shortage.
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