Extreme Mayo

Whenever we see an ad like this, we can’t help but imagine the pitch meeting behind it. Thoughts that, in this case, are shoved aside by the knowledge that this is our mother’s favorite mayo. Which in turn brings back ugly repressed memories of white-on-white-on-white lunches.

No sale, dudes. If you want to update a dowdy brand, call Bruce Campbell and get back to us.


Big FAIL here. Knowing a couple of folks who loves to smear the stuff on almost anything, the words thin, active and Miracle Whip don’t go together.

The only time I like mayo on anything is when I’m totally drunk and hunger for chips/fries dunked into garlic mayo, Belgian Style. Otherwise, not a fan.

@ManchuCandidate: The bigger FAIL is, it’s not even real mayonnaise. Hellmann’s Real Mayonnaise or GTFO.

Good point. I completely forgot about it. Those special spices include many not found in nature.

I think it’s so cute that Hellmann’s is still known as Best Foods west of the Rockies. Old school.

BTW: they put up these Miracle Whip signs all over the Addison Red Line stop — on billboards, on TV info screens, on the floor. Everywhere. Which flipped the script and gave me the desire to poke out my own eyes as I was entering Wrigley Field.

BTW: is everybody’s Twitter account taking a holiday? Just asking, even though I don’t do the Twitter, as I want to see Wendy Long tweet salty, bitter tears as Sonia Sotomayor gets the nod from the Geezers.

I don’t believe in corporate mayo – generally make my own. So easy, and much more satisfying.

@chicago bureau: Per Valley wag/Gawker both Twitter and Facebook are under hacker attack today.

Are we going to talk about Johnny Earl “Mill” Edwards’ baby mama testifying to the federal grand jury today?

Speaking of Johnny Earl, where the hell have his groupies Benedick and Homofascist been?

SanFranLefty: No matter. Twitter is back up, only to reveal that Wendy Long has gone Shelley Long on us — not a twit or a tweet from her since the hearings ended. Oh, the vagaries of being a two-bit hack.

And speaking of which, I could give a flying fuck about Miiiil, or Rielle. 18 months ago, he was going off on Liver Girl, asking “whaye is this happening in America — whaye?” Now? Not a damn word out of the guy. Pestorking a woman who has power crystals and a hideous beak does carry certain risks. FAIL.

@chicago bureau: Meanwhile America holds its collective breath to see if Talibunny can return to Tweeting her deep thoughts and/or divorce announcement.

@SanFranLefty: Another politician putting his little soldier where it doesn’t belong … should be fun! I note that she dragged the kid in there with her.

@mellbell: Hellman’s is one of the main reasons I’m looking forward to my trip back to the States. No lie. I’ve made a list of sandwiches I’ll be making in order to have a conduit to get the Hellman’s to my mouth. I’m also enlisting my favorite aunt to make her famous macaroni salad using Hellman’s. I HAVE A HELLMAN’S PLAN. My father uses Miracle Whip… LITE. It tastes like batteries.

For this ad, a Denny Crane-like figure at the agency has a bunch of grandkids who have no idea WTF Miracle Whip is. He panicked, called a huge meeting, and sent the minions scurrying back to their carefully designed cubicles and creative spaces adorned with yoga balls and action figures. In retaliation, they came up with the most hackneyed storyboard they could find, presented it knowing it would be accepted, and are now updating their resumes so they can quit and join another agency that appreciates their subversive genius.

@RomeGirl: Is mutton grilled over hot juniper coals served on fry bread or tortilla with green chili on your list? Stuffed sopapilla with your choice of fillings (ground beef, beans and rice) and red or green chili? Breakfast burrito with chorizo, potatoes and eggs? Chicharron burrito? Mmmm.

Today’s brown bag lunch at the office: cold elk roast over rosemary potatoes with green peppers.

We keep mayo in the fridge for guests and replace it every few months or so.

Yes, yes, we’ve all been very enamored of desaturated, “filmed” (as opposed to “videoed”, informally-organized images, with loose, casual fonts. It helps us show how “young” and “current” our product is, and we would know, even though the average age of a marketing professional is about 44.

I frankly think this particular fad is more about a bunch of middle managers feeling panicked because they turned 40 and stopped going to raves about 6 years ago. I’d also bet you anything that’s a BBDO ad- they’ve been driving this particular ascetic for a couple years now.

@mellbell: @RomeGirl: @Mistress Cynica: Yeah. I honestly thought Miracle Whip was that stuff you mixed with peanut butter to make “fluffernutter”. Good thing I didn’t try that for the little Nabiscos!

Fresh garden tomato slices, thin layer of Hellman’s, dash of pepper. That there was a summer snack at the homestead.


I think HF is having a break, as he is young and free in the homo underground right now. Where-ever he is, here’s hoping he’s sore!

As for Benedick, I have no idea, but he generally surfaces sooner or later.

@chicago bureau: What is this Hellmann’s you speak of? Is it sold at those A&Ps strangers tell me about?

@redmanlaw: Ooh, savory sopapillas? I’ve only ever had sweet ones. Also, cooking with mutton is a huge plus in my book. Only wish I knew where to find it around here.

Bring out the helmans and bring out the best.

Those attracted to politics and power, like those attracted to stardom in general, tend to have a high self-regard and to be risk takers.

In addition, they have much much more opportunity than your average individual living an average life.

Most virtue is simply lack of opportunity or courage, and most moral condemnation is jealousy.

There is to my mind no connection between public service and private, personal sexual morality. And dragging in “but he lied to his wife, he’ll lie to anyone,” or “poor judgment,” thats just new clothing for what is nothing but old victorian prudery.

tj/One of my partners is headed to Peru for ten days. I asked my friend Snarky Indian Girl Lawyer who works for Bill Richardson* to keep the big guy on standby in case my partner gets kidnapped. /end tj

So how come no one has mentioned the mayo subplot in “Undercover Brother”?

* New Mexico governor (D-2002-present). Ran for president 2008. Sometime TV commentator.

@Tommmcatt Floats: Good guess, but BBDO lost the account a couple years back. You’ll find the aging slackers at McGarry Bowen (Chicago).

@Promnight: Bring out the helmans Best Foods and bring out the best.

Love them retro regional brands. I used to stare at gas-station maps because of all those exotic filling-station logos. A dinosaur? Really? Cool!

(And somewhere at the Ancestral Home is my Flying A Axelrod dog. I’ll go change my teeth now.)

@redmanlaw: Are they running the secuestro express racket down there now, too? Must have been franchised out from either Mexico or Caracas. 20+ years ago the Shining Path missed blowing me up on a train by about a week.

@nojo: Didja get the plastic horseshoes that could stick in the windows, from the Gulf station? Or the American flag?

@The Nabisco Quiver: Gulf? I only knew them from the logo in the middle of the desk during NBC moon-landing coverage.

But one of our family treasures is an old-school Santa poster from a Richfield station. (That’s ARCO to you anklebiters.)

@The Nabisco Quiver: We got steak knives, and these little cards that you peeled apart, and there were various formula one race cars, but only half a car on each card, but you could match them, to get the whole car. I think you got a prize, or just the satisfaction of putting a 2-piece jigsaw puzzle together.

There is still a Sinclair sign up, along Rte. 33 in Hightstown, it amazes me noone has stolen it. I drive that road sometimes just to see it.

Wise potato chips are the very best, too.

Except UTZ now makes a bag of purposely burnt chips; you see, Wise is the best because they are real, not all that exact same pasty yellow-white of a Lays chip, Wise chips, some are light, some dark, some varicolored. I think they also vary with the age of the oil, right after an oil change at the plant, they are all light colored, but as the oil gets older, the chips getr darker. Sponge Bob would know this. But my favorite were the occasional dark, overcooked chips in the Wise bag.

Well, Utz has made a bag of all burnt chips. I love them, but feel guilty, its like if you could buy a bag of all green M&Ms, its not supposed to be that way, its supposed to be, well, rare.

@The Nabisco Quiver: @nojo: Was it Sinclair that had the dinosaur mascot? The gave out green dino-shaped soaps when I was little. I loved them.
@nojo: I was in a total state of panic when I couldn’t find Hellman’s in OR, ’til you westerners told me about Best Foods.
@redmanlaw: Can’t help the mayo addiction. I am Just. That. White. Knowing how much I will be mocked, and perhaps even shunned, for admitting this, My Cyn and I, being from the Deep South, even put in on our hot dogs.
::hides under desk to escape barrage of scorn::

I keep a jar in the coldest section of the fridge for one application: fresh tomato sandwiches: thin-sliced tomatoes with a little basil and oregano on hot wheat toast with a schmeer of mayo.

I hate mayo. The smell of it makes me gag. The taste of it makes me nauseous. Even the Best Foods/Hellman’s stuff.

@Tommmcatt Floats: Only in the privacy of our home. In public we pretend we only like mustard and maybe sauerkraut or dill relish to avoid being stoned to death, but at home we slather those puppies with Hellman’s, mustard, dill relish, and ketchup. There. I said it. That’s how much I trust you people.

ADD: The only betrayal of our Southern roots is the use of dill rather than sweet relish, which is what we grew up with.

@SanFranLefty: No need to duck. I used to hate tuna fish, until I learned you could consume it without mayo.

@Mistress Cynica: @nojo:

May I suggest the use of Hummus mixed with mayo in both tuna fish salad and on hamburgers or hot dogs. Yummy, not as fattening, and multicultural.

I don’t mind it for Turkey sandwiches, aforementioned Belgian fries or the odd Tomato sandwich (thanks FCS). Otherwise, I’m with you.

My housemate buys those industrial sized barrels of the yellowish white goo every 4 months whereas I can’t eat one of those small jars in two years.

@ManchuCandidate: Yes, tomato sandwich, my one outlaw extravagance!

This elk roast is awesome, btw. It’s like super high grade lean tender beef. When it’s freshly cooked you can it was young and ate mostly grass.

Eight weeks until deer season; five weeks until turkey; three weeks until dove, grouse and squirrel. Need to contact my brother about elk hunting. It’s also about time to go cut some firewood up on the national forest. The fishing’s still good. *sigh* I love fall. Nothing like listening to football on the truck radio while out on a wood run or going fishing in the brilliant autumn days we have here in New Mexico.

ADD: Cold weather camo outerwear just arrived from Cabela’s. I

@FlyingChainSaw: My steelworker roots never allowed for the eye-leetism of bread, let alone wheat bread. Just the tomato slice, mayo and pepper. Like boiled eggs with a dusting of salt, childhood delights.

@Mistress Cynica: It was indeed Sinclair. Oh, and mayo on dogs? I ate those off of street vendors in Guatemala when I’d get hiccups after hours of drinking. With cabbage. Simply awful, but they cost something like a quarter and were a surefire cure.

@The Nabisco Quiver: Steel worker? My dad was a welder before getting into tribal government. I pass by a bridge he worked off I-40 west of Albuquerque whenever I head out to Navajoland.

Miracle Whip is awful. That shit ruins turkey, tuna fish, roast beef, potato salad, anything it touches. Best Foods/Hellman’s or it isn’t a sandwich, dammit.

Man, I remember Sinclair stations in Denver. They all got changed to Diamond Shamrocks midway through my time there. Regional gas stations were not something I was used to as a child — we saw a lot of Gulf/Exxon stations on the West Coast, and the first time I saw Esso, I didn’t know what the hell it was.

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