Elizabeth Edwards: Space Alien Pestorking Affair Made Me Barph

Space Alien Laughs at Her Own Joke About Giving John Edwards an Antenna Job

Space Alien Laughs at Own Joke About Giving John Edwards an 'Antenna Job' in TV interview with Mutual of Omaha's 'Wild Kingdom'

When Elizabeth Edwards learned that her husband John was pestorking a space alien named Rielle Hunter she cried, wailed and finally blew chunks, so revolted was she by the thought of her husband of decades climbing into a space ship with a creature from another planet, pestorking it and ultimately siring a space alienette with the diabolical monster.

The New York Daily News reports today: Then-candidate John Edwards broke the news to Elizabeth days after declaring his candidacy in 2006 and, for added evil, used the opportunity to lie to his dying wife about the affair. John Edwards tried to pass off the affair as a one-night stand when, in fact, he and the insane, cackling space alien spent weeks pestorking on her space ship that followed his campaign entourage for which she posed as a videographer.

Deeply twisted, we admit, but the pinnacle of emetogenicity in the book arrives, however, when Elizabeth Edwards describes the pick-up scene that ignited the affair. The space alien groped John Edwards and told him, “You are so hot” whereupon Edwards got his campaign to pay it $114,000 and set out to pestork the bejesus out of it.

58 Comments

Fascinating; instead of hair, it has some form of fine feathers. Perhaps descended from an avian-humanoid line?

She even looks a little like Number 6 if you squint the right way.

@Serolf Divad:
It would take a lot of booze.

From what I read of Johnny Mill’s affair, she’s proof of “Crazy in head, crazy in bed.”

TJ/ ::Deep breath::

Okay. For some reason I’ve been watching odd documentaries these past few days I’ve been home sick. Yesterday I almost went all Teabaggy after watching what was a poor excuse for a film about Waco. Serolf David talked me down.

Right now I’m in the middle of a documentary called Interview with the Assassin, where a laid off local news cameraman ends up getting involved with this guy who claims to be the second shooter on the grassy knoll.

Okay, so, this movie is doing a better job of just giving you information and letting you decide, but then all sorts of weird shit happens that makes you wonder if there is some big conspiracy going on. I won’t give you details in case you want to see it yourself.

I will tell you this: the self-proclaimed grassy knoll guy is a nut, and he just did something that forced me to pause the movie and get my bearings.

You guys are (usually) the voice of reason, and with Magic Bullet Man flipping, this question is apropos: what do you think of the Warren report? (Many thanks ! I’m going back to my wackadoo yet highly suspenseful movie).

@JNOV: I know next to nothing about the Warren Commission’s findings, but the basic facts, as I understand them, are that Oswald, who had some kind of sniper training, was seen fleeing the book repository moments after the shooting, killed a cop while on the lam, and then, when finally detained, could only muster a defense of, to paraphrase, “Well, I’m a Communist, so that’s why they think I’m a murderer, not because I did anything wrong.” I don’t know the full details of how/whether they were able to trace the gun back to him, or what more came out in the interrogation, but even if the report was politicized and sloppy and Lord knows what else, I don’t doubt, even for a moment, that Oswald killed Kennedy.

This is so sad in so many ways. Of course one’s heart goes out to E Edwards. She’s a fine woman and worthy of our respect and sympathy. But Johnny…! There were other options! If you wanted to recapture that feeling of being still slightly sweaty after wrestling practice back in Mill Town, USA, sitting out on the back of an old pick-up watching the trains go by while drinking a couple of brewskis with a special bud – it could have been arranged! It could have been so special! What could this alien possibly offer compared to the tight bond between two guys trying out for the state championships and sharing a motel room from time to time?

@JNOV: Everyone knows that Cigarette Smoking Man was the second shooter in Dallas, but that he was was in a storm sewer, not on the grassy knoll or behind the fence in back of the grass knoll.

@JNOV:

My feelings about the Kennedy assassination are these: Kennedy was shot in 1963. It’s now 2009, 46 years later and the Kennedy assassination remains the most researched supposed-conspiracy in history. It’s very unlikely anything new will be uncovered, unless there’s some sort of death bed confession by an actor that that manages to reveal information that could not be known by anyone but a co-conspirator (and I can’t imagine what sort of information that would be).

As mellbell notes, it’s almost certain that Oswald was a shooter that day. If anyone else participated, we simply cannot know for sure.

I’m therefore inclined to believe that Oswald acted alone, since, however improbable, that scenario it isn’t impossible, and nothing but circumstantial evidence points elsewhere.

Okay — holy fucking shit! Whether or not dude was the second shooter, this is one messed up movie. I don’t know how to describe it. Disturbing comes to mind. So does tragic.

@mellbell: Yeah, but there was that whole Magic Bullet thing that supposedly supports a single shooter, but most ballistics experts say it’s crap. This movie didn’t move me one way or another w/r/t the grassy knoll, but it takes you on one helluva ride.

@redmanlaw: Whaddya know! Dude in the movie was a smoker. Hmmmm…

All I can add is that, when I stood in Dealey Plaza, it was much smaller than it seems when you see it on TV or in a movie.

@Serolf Divad: @JNOV:

I have to concur with SD, mostly by combining Occam’s Razor (“other things being equal — the simplest hypothesis proposed as an explanation of phenomena is more likely to be the true one than is any other available hypothesis”) and Holmsian Deduction (“When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth”). It’s also a bit like the Shakespeare authorship question: At this point in history, would it really make that much difference if we knew exactly who did it?

Actually, what you all think of that question is interesting to me. Would knowing who killed Kennedy make any kind of difference in the way we live now? I put it to you, Stinquers…

@JNOV: Didn’t Oliver Stone do a critically acclaimed documentary that put all of this to rest?

@Nabisco:

It was more of an historical opera without music, IMHO.

@Tommmcatt the Wet Sprocket: Only if we found out it was ordered by (a) Castro, (b) LBJ or (c) the Mafia. Otherwise, meh.

@Serolf Divad: I don’t want to give out any spoilers, but dude had a casing in a safe deposit box. A lab said it was fired around ’63, plus or minus a couple of years, and planned to run more tests. Dude was a Marine sniper, and after he got out he (supposedly) was approached by his old CO to assassinate Kennedy. Lots and lots more happens in the movie, and at some point, the FBI gets the casing which it manages to lose. The movie doesn’t come close to saying this guy was the second shooter; rather it’s more about the cameraman’s quest for a great story and the truth. There is a twist that you never see coming. I’m still in shock.

@Tommmcatt the Wet Sprocket: Only if it were, you know, my dad or something. Otherwise? Meh.

@Nabisco: Haha. We have a similar yet very different approach to the question, I see.

@Nabisco: Gotta check and see if it’s available to be watched online on Netflix.

@Tommmcatt the Wet Sprocket: I hear you, but I have a very cynical view of govt. Remember when Hazel O’Leary released all those documents about the govt testing the effects of radiation on men by immersing prisoners’ testicles in radioactive water? Or the reports about the Army grunts within spitting range of nuclear tests sites? Or the Tuskegee men with syphilis who were intentionally denied treatment? How many cover ups and denials have we seen? We’re now starting to get a glimmer of extent of our torture policies.

No, it wouldn’t change my life in any major way to discover there was a second shooter, but if there were, I’d kind of like to know just to know.

@Tommmcatt the Wet Sprocket: After all, it was you and me.

@JNOV: A woman I worked with won her Pulitzer for reporting on human testing of radioactive materials.

@mellbell: Was your dad a spook? I forget whose dad was a Secret Agent Man.

The Documentary Channel plays this RFK assassination movie every few weeks:

http://www.rfkmustdie.com/

On and on thread, how anyone could put their penis in that is beyond me. The eyes, the crazee, crazee eyes!

GAR IT’S A FRIGGIN’ MOCUMENTARY!

@Serolf Divad: Agreed. But damn your eyes for linking to the fetching Number 6. Dude, I have work to do today.

I like to think of myself as a compassionate, non-judgmental person. But when I look at that woman, I think

WHORE! FILTHY AMORAL PIECE OF SHIT!!!

@JNOV: Re: JFK shooters.
Ask Marita Lorenz. I think she’s still alive somewhere in New York State.

@redmanlaw: Secret agent man, secret agent man, they’ve given you a number and taken ‘way your name. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mo3Wqf86N4w.

@Jamie Sommers: Me too. I would like to cut them both for hurting a fine person like Elizabeth.

Yes, FUCK THEM! The bit about Johnnie hiding from reporters in the hotel restroom was rich.

TJ/Guess who’s going to the doctor tomorrow to get tested for swine flu? I called this AM saying I’d been out of work for 3 days with a cold and I needed a note. The nurse just called me back, talked to me for a while, put me on hold, came back on the line and told me my doctor wants to see me tomorrow, and oh, by the way, we’ll be giving you a paper mask when you get to the front counter.

Me: Paper mask?

Nurse: Yes

Me: Wait. You think I’ve got it?

Nurse: Maybe

Me: But I don’t have a fever [got a thermometer last night]

Nurse: But you have enough of the other symptoms

Me: But I read the symptoms at the CDC website, and they’re the same as the symptoms for the common cold

Nurse: Yeah. You probably don’t have it, but we need to be sure.

WTF??? How do they test for this thing? Aren’t there only two labs in the US set up to test for swine flu? Am I going to have to run around with a friggin’ mask on until I get the all clear? How long is that going to take? I have a COLD! The only guy I know who traveled recently went to Scotland. This isn’t the haggis flu! To be fair, I work in a large war room, there are 150 of us split up over two floors, and people travel all over the place all the time. My work space is one mega petri dish. If I have the friggin’ swine flu, I am kicking someone’s ass. Don’t know whose. But someone’s gonna pay what they owe!

@mellbell: You need to guess who my dad is, mihijita.

@JNOV: First, I think it is standard protocol right now to test if you have enough symptoms. We have the lab standards in PA to see if it is a Type A influenza, if it is it gets sent to Atlanta (say hey to Cubbie!) for cross-typing as H1N1 – or not. So, if it is A you get logged as a “probable”, then in Atlanta they determine whether it is a “confirmed” or not.

The masks? Mostly ineffective (the bugs pass right through those paper things), but they’re recommended in doctors’ offices. You won’t be told to wear one at work, and if they do, don’t. Tell them to read the CDC guidelines on mitigation of the flu.

Keep us posted!

@mellbell: Mell, its all about whether he did it alone, whether he was set up to take the blame. The guy that killed Oswald begged to testify before the Warren Commission, they wouldn’t let him.

My feelings about the Kennedy assasination are that he was shot by a US Marine, with a top secret clearance, who had worked at a U-2 base in Japan, then defected to the USSR, during the height of the cold war, was received as someone of value and set up with an apartment, a job, a woman who was the daughter of an intelligence officer, whom he married, and then, he decided to move back to the US, and wow, I never knew, you could defect to the USSR in the height of the Cold War, and then move back to the US, and there were no repercussions, he was just allowed to go on with his life, which then involved organizing a “fair play for Cuba” pro-communist organization, who was seen visiting the USSR embassy in Mexico City, not long before the assasination, who had the names and numbers of known US spies in his book, and who then killed the president.

Lone nut? Most lone nuts don’t have quite that resume.

Oswald was tied up with both the US and USSR intelligence agencies. He was an asset at least, of the CIA.

OK, a lone nut who happened to be mixed up to the ears in US-USSR intelligence, politics, and also with Cuban politics.

OK, lone nut, who happened to have quite a resume.

@JNOV: Even if you have the swine flu, you are gonna be fine. Its not any more dangerous than the usual annual flu, from all the evidence so far.

@Nabisco: @Promnight: Thanks, Dears. :-) I’m not worried about my health so much as I’m worried about what a colossal pain in the ass this whole testing business could be. Nabisco and my best friend have allayed most of my fears — they can test me on site for the flu, and if I don’t have your run of the mill flu, I don’t have the swine flu. And even if through some monumental stroke of bad luck I do have the swine flu, my symptoms aren’t all that severe. I feel like crap, but I don’t feel like I’m dying or anything. Getting to the doctor tomorrow is going to be a pain in the ass, and sitting in the waiting room looking like Michael Jackson minus both gloves is gonna suck. But, yeah. I’ve got no choice, and if I do have swine flu, I don’t want to spread it around. It seems to be capable of mutating between mild and severe forms, and I don’t want to put anyone’s health at risk.

@JNOV: On the upside, everyone in the waiting room will treat you like a leper, so you don’t have to worry about getting what they have.

@JNOV: Hey, get a picture with the mask on, we’ve got a Stinque Jam coming up!

@Mistress Cynica: Maybe even move her to the front of the queue.

@Mistress Cynica: Hahahahaha! I’m betting I won’t be the only one wearing a mask. I love my doctor. She takes great care of me, but I’m going to have to prank her somehow if I end up flu free.

I do have to say, the outrage astounds me. Infidelity is the most common and mundane of sins. Part of the human condition. The pain it causes? The pain is caused by one’s expectations, one with a judgmental and strict and unrealistic approach towards what one should expect from fallible humans, will feel great pain, but that pain is caused by the unrealistic belief that if someone loves you, they could never stray, that if they stray, they don’t love you, the same judgmental attitude that condemns this behavior also causes the only harm that this behavior causes.

I have never physically cheated on anyone I was in an exclusive relationship with. But I have become very aware of the dangers of mental and emotional betrayal, I have been guilty of that, but, what tthe fuck, still?

Every single one of us lusts after people we see. We develop emotional attractions and intimacy with others. Noone is perfect.

I just know I am not moral enough to ever judge the morals of others, and I especially don’t attach such a focused moral compass to the sexual behavior of others, frankly, I don’t think it should matter as much as society demands it to.

I have seen friends throw aside relationships with women who strayed. their pride made them do it. These were good women, these were good relationships. The punishment, it always seemed to me, caused more damage than the crime.

I would forgive. I would. I know it. I know that everyone is human and everyone has temptations and everyone needs sometimes to be appreciated as special, everyone is lonely sometimes, everyone has sexual urges, everyone is susceptible to the knowledge of being desired by someone. I would forgive in a second, I know humans err.

So long as in the end, I know, she and I are together and committed and always will be, I would forgive in a second.

And within any relationship, only the partner has any right to judge, everyone else is just an outsider opining over the morality of an infinitely complex situation in which the truth is so dependant on knowing the unknowable and intangible things.

@Promnight: You forgot about the White Russian diaspora community in Texas that were active CIA assets and who, for reasons still not completely understood, took the confused Oswald in hand when he lived in Dallas.

@FlyingChainSaw: Just another ton or so on the side of the scale that indicates Oswald was owned and controlled, completely, by the CIA.

@Promnight: There are a few problems with Edwards cheating. He held himself out to be this amazingly attentive family man who tragically lost a son, yet he and his wife went on and decided to add two more adorable tow-headed kids to the family. And he was more than happy to use his wife and those kids as props.

During the Kerry campaign, Elizabeth finds a lump in her breast and has it evaluated, all on the down low — she soldiers on while Kerry and Edwards were on the stump. The day Kerry concedes, she’s diagnosed with breast cancer. While she’s receiving treatment, John starts pestorking Batshit Barbie. Batshit Barbie gets pregnant, and Elizabeth finds out her cancer is metastatic.

While dealing with the whole metastatic cancer deal, she continues to campaign with John during his primary bid while he continues to pestork Batshit Barbie and even sneaks off to see what I’m sure will one day be Batshit Skipper.

He was a fake, a phony, a fraud, and he betrayed his dying wife, his kids, and the people who believed that the image was the man. Boourns!

@FlyingChainSaw: See? THAT’S what I’m talking about! Although I am still ashamed that I got suckered by a mockumentary. I just watched a movie about Sophie Scholl, and I was happy to learn from Wikipedia that she was a real person and was more awesome than I thought.

@mellbell: Okay, let’s see what Babel Fish does with that…

@JNOV: There are always a lot of problems with anyone cheating. Everyone in the world holds themselves out as not a cheater.

I know this, there are many men and women with attrocious sexual morals, whom I would trust more with my money, than many stone cold puritans, and I would trust their judgment better too.

I would still rather have John Edwards in public office, trying to do good, than many millions of other people.

Its just not my litmus test, is all.

Gambling, it seems to me, is the one personal vice that is really dangerous.

As a lawyer, I pay attention to, and read the reports of, our state ethics committee’s cases, and read all the reports on the disbarred lawyers.

And it turns out, drug addicts don’t steal; sex addicts don’t steal, its gamblers who steal their clients money.

And some people who have what looks like a sex problem, really have a gambling problem, they have the same thing going on that a gambler has going on, they have affairs, see prostitutes, for the thrill of the risk. These people, yes, their sexual antics are a real warning sign of fundamental issues.

But if its just sex, and not pathological thrill-seeking, thats behind the behavior, I do believe that the sexual immorality really says little about the person’s fundamental character in public life. I might not want to marry them, but I would trust them to be honest in public life about public matters.

@JNOV: Well said.
@Promnight: Ah, the old “everybody’s doing it” defense. No, not everyone, just the same people over and over. Once a cheater, always a cheater. That’s why I wouldn’t forgive and forget. In the immortal words of Dubya, “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice . . . uh, can’t get fooled again.” I might forgive, but I would never, ever trust that person again. If someone doesn’t feel he or she can keep a promise to be faithful, then they shouldn’t make that promise in the first place.

@Promnight: If you’re living a lie in one part of your life, it is going to be difficult as public figure not to experience fall-out from that lie.

@mellbell: The Last Days? Yes! Sophie Scholl: The Last Days. Pauvre Sophie.

@mellbell: Wait! Wait! The Final Days, I believe.

@Promight: ‘Drug addicts don’t steal’?

Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!

@Promnight: It’s not really my litmus test either, but this situation is beyond fucked up. He is a phony who will use people in any way that he believes will help him achieve his ambitions. He was disloyal to his family and to the public. There were signs that he wasn’t the hometown boy makes good guy that he said his was. His reeeediculously expensive hair cut was a sign, but I let that go. Pestorking, hiring and impregnating Batshit Barbie was too much. He’s just not a good guy. Period.

@Jamie Sommers: Right? In 1988 I was babysitting my cousin’s baby, and I left my keys on the coffee table. When it came time to go home, my keys were nowhere to be found. My crackwhore cousins burgled my apartment while I was babysitting, but they only took certain things like odd pieces of jewelry. A true burglar would have cleaned me out — took the TV, VCR, whatever wasn’t nailed down. I saw two of them at my grandmother’s funeral four years ago, and they were like, “Don’t you love us? Why don’t you visit us?” And I was like, “Oh, so you can steal more of my shit? No thank you.”

@Jamie Sommers: Not functional drug addicts. I am talking about reading the stories of every lawyer who gets disbarred, over years. It seems that drugs and alcohol make lawyers sloppy and neglectful, sexual peccadillos have no impact on trustworthiness, but gambling, its almost automatic, if you see a lawyer stealing client funds in a big way, you can bet on it, its gambling.

There is only so much money you can spend on drugs, booze, or broads, but if you like the gambling, you can blow millions so easily.

@Prommie: My city councilman, a really nice guy, was disciplinedby our Supreme Court because his depression basically made him unable to adequately function as a lawyer. In deep denial, he ignored the notices from the D Board until it blew up in his face and he couldn’t keep it out of the papers. He did a year’s suspension and may be back at work, although I understand he’s gearing up for a run for mayor, per cryptic FB posts.

@JNOV: One of my buddies won’t let his wife’s family outside of immediate in-laws know where they live because she has some cousins who are hardcore hypesthat would clean them out if they had a chance. My friend is an appellate public defender and has no illusions on how shit works in the barrio.

@Mistress Cynica: The truth is simple.

@Mistress Cynica: But look at those feathers on her head, the crazy eyes, have you no mercy for a man who falls victims to such charms?

@redmanlaw: One of my closer friends back when I was married to my trial wife, whom I lost contact with for some years, was disbarred for stealing trust funds. I was never able to learn anything about it, what had happened, he was from a wealthy family, a great lawyer, a good guy, no vices that I ever knew of at all.

Add a Comment
Please log in or register to post a comment