Keep Those Speeches Short, Or Else

No, YOU get out of MY eyeline.

Speaking of naked hairy guys, we were watching the night of the Oscar Streaker, and we remember David Niven’s zinger: “Isn’t it fascinating to think that probably the only laugh that man will ever get in his life is by stripping off and showing his shortcomings!” Later we heard the whole thing was staged, but we refuse to believe it. This is Hollywood! Why would they sully their integrity?

We doubt tonight will offer such excitement, but we’re revving up our Open Thread/Party Tent anyway. The new producers and host Wolverine promise a streamlined show, but we offer this bit of friendly advice: Don’t fuck with the Death Montage.

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If the HD audio is going to be off a second the whole night, I need a head start on drinking.

Maternal unit came up to help me pack the apartment and left 3/4 of a bottle of wine. Let’s do this.

It’s so cute that Miley Cyrus thinks she’ll be nominated for an Oscar soon. Everyone has to have a dream!

What? No beer sponsor? No Bud Bowl?

Whomever decided the musical medley by Jackman was a great opening idea needs to be hung up by the nads.

Speaking of which, I saw Gene Kelly and Donald O’Connor again the other night. I’d like to see Jackman walk walls.

@Signal to Noise: Could have been worse. Could have been Billy Crystal.

@nojo: true.

So Nixon fucked over the country several decades ago. All I can think about now is pestorking his musical stand-in.

If this is the presentation mode for the evening, it’s gonna be a long show. They may have to update the Death Montage in the interim.

What channel am I supposed to be tuned to? Watching “In Treatment” repeats on HBO. Love it.

@blogenfreude: And Conchords later? Of course, I have to wait for Netflix on that.

ABC if you’re into pain.

@blogenfreude:
Don’t do it Blogen! You have a perfect record. It’s not worth it. Cynica will be more entertaining.

Honoring writing is so adorable.

@Hose Manikin: OK – I will try to maintain my record … I’ll just check in here for updates.

Slumdog Millionaire must have been hell on spellcheck.

Jennifer Aniston’s hair is right out of 6th grade.

Hey — so what’s this I heard over on the exmo boards about an exmo, Dustin Lance Black, giving the bird to the LDS church during his acceptance speech?

@JNOV: it’s true. Betcha $20 you see that speech inspiring an O’Reilly or Hannity rant tomorrow.

@JNOV: Must have missed it, but Steve Jobs just got a shout-out. Let’s see Bill Gates top that.

@Signal to Noise: Can’t wait!

@nojo: Love Steve! Hope he beats what’s ailing him, and I hope that NYT reporter who sort of outed him for being ill gets kicked in the nuts.

I must admit, I’m enjoying the stage band. But I still wanna hear them kick someone off the stage.

It’s Cedric! Watch out for Voldemort!

@Signal to Noise: Followed up by carping about the dudes in the Lovers montage.

Ben Stiller, there’ s no reason to ape the Joaquin Phoenix on Letterman appearance.

Here you all are. I didn’t notice the party had moved.
WTF is Ben Stiller supposed to be doing? Is it a reference to a movie I didn’t see?

@Signal to Noise:
This JP thing is just getting started. He is fucking with the whole industry. It’s Andy Kaufman’s wrestling gig redux.

@Signal to Noise: Knew there was some cultural reference I was missing.
Liked Natalie’s dress, but the gorgeous color clashes with her scary orange fake tan. Did she have that done at some strip mall place?

@Hose Manikin: I’d heard about the Kaufman reference it was after the Letterman appearance. Eager to see how far he takes it.

Stiller just can’t do it. He’s a better straight man to me than an odd character guy; Dodgeball and Tropic Thunder are exceptions to the rule.

Goddamn, Ben Stiller was funny.

I was a year a go that I saw Natalie Portman standing on the sidewalk in front of a little craft services cart when she was shooting “Brothers” next door to my office. It was like a little ray of perfection in the winter dusk.

Robert Downey Jr playing a Latino L.A. Times reporter. Well, once you play an Aussie playing a black man, you can be whatever race you want.

@redmanlaw: She is beautiful, and there seems to be intelligence behind those eyes. Jennifer Aniston, on the other hand, why is she famous?@Signal to Noise: Jennifer Annistons demeanor and from what I can see, intellect, are straight out of 6th grade.

I watched a little of TMZ’s red carpet. The Stars do not like TMZ, lots of nastiness to the interviewer, but he was to stupid to be aware of it, I think.

Marisa Tomei is a sweety pie. I oved that dress. I have no taste.

The Spanish chick is a dead ringer for Audrey Hepburn. Whatever happened to her?

@Signal to Noise: Whenever I see Ben, I think Anne & Jerry. On Flip Wilson.

I think Phoenix is sincere, and crazy. You cannot punk Hollywood like this, its career death. Hollywood has no sense of humor about “fame.” You can make fun of individual famous people, but once you suggest that fame itself is a stupid charade, you are maligning their religion.

oh fine. so just leave me babbling to myself on the other thread

@nojo: Stiller and Miera.

@Promnight, baked : Israel girl inna house.

Is it Martini Standard Time?

. . . cowboys about to bust into Wolverine’s number . . .

Rob Lowe and Snow White, places please!

That truly is one of the worst production numbers I’ve ever seen. I do hope Benedick doesn’t see this.

Did Goldie Hawn have a tit transplant, or a total body skin transplant? Her decollatage was like a baby’s bottom. Do they have a special lense for her? What gives?

BAZ DID THAT? I’d be drowning my sorrows at the bar.

Beyonce: awful dress, bad lip-syncing (while Jackman and the HSM kids sing live), but wonderful everything else. Jay-Z is a lucky man.

nat@Promnight:
natalie portman went to harvard, that’swhat you see behind those eyes. and as talented as she is smart and beautiful. and i must add, since i recently became one myself, a big jew.

@Signal to Noise: ABC HD audio is still a second off in Sandy Eggo, so I can’t tell who’s lip-syncing. Which oddly makes it more enjoyable.

Nate has Heath on this one, but you don’t need a computer to make that call.

@Promnight:
Exactly. He’s already taken it to another level with a disastrous Las Vegas “performance” of his Hip Hop career. I just can’t figure out the end game. It might be meta-movie in production about the industry and celebrity – like “Being John Malkovich” or “Adaptation”.

wtf is phillip seymore wearing on his head? is he chilly? he looks absurd.

Wait, wait — are we 90 minutes into this without a Jack Nicholson reference?

Mrs RML has just threatened Megan C. for daring to insinuate over on Jez that her Wolvie may have the gay.

Walken has a mullet. What the fuck?

@redmanlaw: by this point he’s pissing rainbows.

@Signal to Noise: Walken? I thought that was Kevin Pollak.

@nojo: Jack Nicholson, he is getting so old, is it no longer possible, perhaps, has he outlived his persona? He’s getting to be a male version of May West. How can you make fun of that?

this is worse than the death montage.
i’ll say it, rumor has it he was a total asshole, he dies stupidly and is sainted. i’m a true cynic ain’t i.

God, those Memphis shots are chilling. Haven’t seen that photo in years.

@nojo: He at least had the grace to look ashamed.
@Promnight: I don’t think Goldie has any of her original parts at this point.

Bill Maher had to be a dick about his own movie, didn’t he?

@baked: Who is this, i am not watching, who was a sainted asshole?

@nojo:
Nate’s right. Damn math nerdz, but it’s not like it was a big shock. Heath’s Joker was the best.

Note: still not watching. Just found a Heath mention on HuffPo. Hard to miss.

@Signal to Noise: I was halfway towards thinking Maher would make a nice successor to Carson when he blew it.

That the Hives for the action montage? I love the Hives.

@Signal to Noise: He has a be-a-dick tic. It seems to be totally involuntary.

iron man and batman wuz robbed for special effects.

@Mistress Cynica: another form of Tourette’s.

@nojo: he has the smug to be a late night talk show host, but he loves himself too much.

@redmanlaw: yup. “Tick Tick Boom.”

@Mistress Cynica: Mahr is a tool. The liberal version of Ben Stein, really.

@ManchuCandidate: Benjamin Button, the action hit of the summer.

@ManchuCandidate: Fucking Benjamin Fucking Butthead

@Signal to Noise: YEAH! Fucking HIVES!!!! WHooooo!

@redmanlaw: It looks so incredibly lame. So far, the only film these awards are making me want to see is WALL-E.

@Promnight: Liberal version of Dennis Miller.

I’m no fan of Maher’s, but tonight he had me — until he opened his mouth.

@Mistress Cynica: You’ll note they aren’t showing clips from the second half of WALL-E. The boring half.

@redmanlaw:
WHAT???!?!?!!!!!?!!?

It’s fucking make up!

Brad Pitt getting younger vs. Iron Man dogfighting an F-22. Um okay.

@redmanlaw: I love the new music, all the “The” bands, strokes, hives, killers, fratellis, Clash (they are still new, aren’t they?), there is great music out there. Garage psychedelic operatic (the influence of Queen on the new groups is not recognnized as it should be) jangly but hard, techno and danceable, these new bands they bop, they synchopate, they swing, too, the rythms are a notch above most all rock and roll in history to this point.

@Mistress Cynica: Iron Man rocked and has the RML Seal of Approval. Iron Man was fun, while The Dark Knight made me abandon all hope.

i’m up at 5:30 for this? this is so boring. and i have an 8:30 dr. appt.
—-for sleeping pills!

@ManchuCandidate: I’m sure they just blew a server over at io9.

Speaking of sound editing, a car just blew a tire on I-5 down the hill. POP! SCREEEEEECH!

@redmanlaw: I’m no Marvel fanboy, but I even enjoyed Hulk.

I’d like to see Tim Gunn star in the Vincent Price biopic.

A tribute to Jerry Lewis? Dear god, haven’t we suffered enough?????

well i enjoy maher–most of the time.

@Mistress Cynica: The Nutty Professor is a true masterpiece. I mean it. More meaningful than Citizen Kane. Plus it fucks with Frank Sinatra, at his prime, too. Ballsy.

@baked: Pandering’s a fine line, but Maher never fails to cross it.

@Mistress Cynica:
whaaat? did i miss jerry lewis while i was making tea?. ugh. i sure know when to make tea. he repulses me.

oh no, no no. i didn’t miss it.
and why hasn’t he cured MD yet after 50 years, huh?

@baked: Oh no, just starting now. I need more wine.

@Mistress Cynica: they had to put more Coldplay in the soundtrack to it too.

Does the Academy get nasty notes from Gwyneth if they don’t use her hubby’s band’s songs at least twice each awards show?

@nojo: Vincent Price. Now there is a whole strange topic in life, the phenomenon of gay guys in the 50s and 60s, becoming beloved icons, among the straights, the real straights, republicans, fucktards, America loved Vincent Price, they thought his mincing was spooky, it was because he was a vampire, they thought. Genie’s Darrens, Charles Nelson Reilly, Liberace, my grandmother, my mother, loved them. Total denial.

What the fuck was going on in this society, it was almost a strange form of tolerance based on denial.

Oscar protests of Jerry Lewis humanitarian award set

For more than two decades, disability rights advocates have objected to Lewis’ portrayal of life with a disability as tragic and pathetic. In response, Lewis snarled, “You don’t want to be pitied because you’re a cripple in a wheelchair? Stay in your house!”

And hey, Nutty Professor, there is a reason the French dig it.

The feed just froze up!! Maybe there is a god!!!

@nojo: Loved the comic book frame compositions and transitions in the first one.

I can’t believe it! We missed the whole speech!! It’s a miracle, I tell you.

ADD: Srsly, that may turn out to be the highlight of the evening.

@nojo: Oh, don’t get me wrong, he’s a total prick of a human being, from all accounts. He’s bitter, and resentful, at the world, for the reason explored in The Nutty Professor. “How come all the hot chicks go for the assholes?”

watch….slumdog is taking music

Zac is scared by the presence of Alecia

Having not seen the High School movies, I must say that Zac acquits himself well in Hairspray.

This is like watching Sullivan. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

ADD: Big Fucking Drums rule.

knew it. the music in slumdog was incredible….a lock, score, song.

Indian music + kodo drummers, plus what sounds like samba drums? Cool.

The samba stuff reminds me of Sepeltura’s Roots album, which featured a lot of traditional Brazillian percussion.

Okay, I’m hooked. Any Bollywood recommendations?

@nojo: so sick of Efron. he’s from my part of CA and if he sneezed, we covered it and talked to his high school drama teacher.

Now THAT’S how you do a fucking musical segment. Slumdog wins this easy.

As for Ms. Keys: Hachi-machi!

@redmanlaw: I think Battlegeek uses kodo drums. There was a background piece showing the drummer.

@nojo: Benedick is our resident expert. He’s probably enjoying a Bollywood musical right now.

Who writes that dude’s speeches? Fucking Carlos Santana? Shout out to “OM” was cool.

@redmanlaw:

“Is it Martini Standard Time?”

Somebody gave us a bottle of Pomegrante liqueur. Mrs. Manikin wanted Pometini’s. I don’t know what that is, but mixed it with vodka, shaken over ice. Added a little lemon. She likes them. They’re terrible. I’m on my third. I can’t keep up with this thread anymore.

@nojo: Slipknot is like a salsa band in that it’s about 50 percent drummers.

Slipknot “Psychosocial”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1CvmzD5g0Y

What? No foreign film in Islamic?

@baked: Slumdog in the Netflix queue, but it’s not on DVD yet.

(Yes, it’s still playing. But I only go out to a movie if it’s Transformers.)

@nojo: Mission Kashmir. Or that one about the cricket match which pits noble (and extremely studly) villagers against evil Limeys in a cricket match (I’m not making this up) that saves their way of life from being obliterated by fish’n’chips or something… Who cares!! They sing and dance and it’s Bollywood! Yay!!!!!

@Mistress Cynica: Just posted a whole great long rant devoted to you at Dress for Excess. Also explanation for hose re strapless gowns ‘n’ stuff.

ADD. I’m late to the party but Jerry Lewis? That man is a god. Ditto Eddie Murphy. They didn’t/don’t perform material that is/was worthy of their talents but OMFG – Dazzling.

@nojo: It’s playing in Mac, so shouldn’t be long now.

@nojo:
i’m guessing no. run, dont walk.

@nojo:
no no! it’s a spectacle, you must see it in the theater!

YAYYYYY!!! THE DEATH MONTAGE!!!!!!

last year was a much better year in death.

1. No love for Charlton Heston.

2. Ollie Johnston was the last of Disney’s classic animators — the “Nine Old Men.” I think Pixar has a short with him as a chess player.

3. Slow year for deaths — it took Paul Newman to trip the meter.

@nojo: the liberal pinko commie squad finally pried the gun from his…well, you know. Bastard still put up a fight, though. Tough corpse.

danny boyle is winning this…watch!

Nate sez Danny Boyle, but again it’s an easy call.

Why is Reese Witherspoon wearing suspenders?

Ev’body has to read Benedick on costume on the other thread.

The wonderful thing about tiggers
Is tiggers are wonderful things!
Their tops are made out of rubber
Their bottoms are made out of springs!
They’re bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy
Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!
But the most wonderful thing about tiggers is
I’m the only one!

@nojo: dude, I just twittered a shorter version of that. well played.

@Signal to Noise: I lurve Tigger. Paul Winchell, right? (Without wikicheating.)

@nojo: Who was the drunk operating the camera for the death montage? I couldn’t read half the names. Or, more importantly, see Paul Newman’s blue eyes.

FINALLY. nicole and halle. first 2 dresses i like.

@nojo: I believe so.

Halle Berry is TINY. Shirley MacLaine looks like an old lesbian. Nicole Kidman looks even more plastic. Sophia Loren has the body of someone 40 years younger. Marion Cotillard? Gorgeous.

Two Santa Fe residents on stage tonight: Shirley Mclaine and Alan Arkin.
Fun fact: Dennis Kucinich met Elizabeth at Shirley’s house here. Mrs RML saw Alan Arkin at lunch not too long ago.

Is Sophia Loren in a remake of Hello Dolly? The hand on the hip is an — um — interesting choice of pose.

oh kate, i wouldn’t vacuum in that dress

@Mistress Cynica:
and don’t you want to rip those puffs off her shoulders?

FUCK YOU ACADEMY. The Reader blew goats.

I like that Kate Winslet isn’t botoxed into plastic immobility like some people *cough* Nicole *cough*.

@Signal to Noise: I thought you were going to be able to handle this. She was naked most of the movie. Deal with it.

Nate (3-1 on the easy calls) sez Mickey.

@Mistress Cynica:
yes, she ruined her face, was thinking the same thing

@baked: While you have that vacuum out, Michael Douglas needs to be cleaned off the stage.

@Hose Manikin: I didn’t throw things. That’s me being able to handle it.

Go, Mickey!

Is Vilanch still cranking out the one-liners?

@baked: When Meryl is the best dressed best actress nominee….damn.

@Signal to Noise: He needs to return the shades to Nicholson after the show.

I’ve never heard of the movie Richard Jenkins is nominated for — and I’ve never known his name until now — but I have enjoyed his work in a number of L&O episodes.

Sean Penn, a smug asshole even when he’s right.

I mean, the film was enough of a statement — must you egg on the blowhards?

damn. he deserved it too, but the sun is up, and i was waiting for micky’s speech. no question about best pic.

Nate Silver is now 3-2, which most of us could equal on a napkin. But for the record, the Batcomputer sez Slumdog.

told ya nojo…go to the theater!!!!!

I will not begrudge Slumdog anything. Fun movie, but its success prompted the worst of Literary Crimes: the publisher re-naming the book it was based on (originally called “Q&A”.)

@baked: It takes zombies, shit blowing up, or both, to get me to a theater.

you guys were more fun than the show, goodnight to all, and good morning to me….i would also like to thank the academy of stinquers for making me laugh all night. xoxo

What is with the preview of coming attratctions? And there is no way Meryl Streep’s Julia Child can hold a candle to Dan Ackroyd’s.

@Mistress Cynica: @baked: Damn, you girlz is fierce. You sure you aint gehyz? With this ‘tude you could most likely get a job in the wardrobe dept at Hairspray. Which is the mostest fiercest wardrobe dept around unless Cats is in town. Them pussies is mean!

Fucking damn, Mickey was my choice. That movie shut me up. This is a really important comment about The Wrestler. You see, I chatter like a magpie through all movies, just stream of consciuosness observations and critiques. Mrs. Prom worries over going to movies with me.

I said not a word during The Wrestler.

That made me realize something else, the pacing of that movie, there was not a single moment in the movie I was waiting for something to happen, not a single moment, every moment I was in the moment and thats why there was not a moment I could disengage and comment on the movie, I was in it every moment.

@Benedick: IMDb sez Once Upon a Time in India, but Netflix doesn’t have it. And…

@redmanlaw: Looks like I’ll have to fast-forward the Wayback Machine for World War Z. Which is just about the time the Dawn remake should be wearing off.

Kate’s a working class girl, even if there was theater in her family, I thought she was australian, for a minute. I like her, now.

@Benedick: I believe it’s been established that Baked and I are ghey men trapped in women’s bodies.
Meee-ow.

@nojo: Darling, then go for Mission Kashmir. It’s a serious movie about terrorism and such as and then, from time to time, everyone SINGS AND DANCES!!! It’s extremely weird but it works. And plus Hrithik Roshan is the romantic lead and if you can watch him in a movie and come out the other end as a functioning straight man then… well, you’re a better man than I am Gunga Din.

@Benedick: MK they have, and it’s queued.

But bear in mind, I found Sophia Loren the most attractive woman of the evening. Roshan has a high standard to beat.

@Mistress Cynica: Someone in the New Yorker a couple of years ago, I think John Lahr, called Liam Neeson “a Sequoia of sexuality.” Yes!

@Signal to Noise: That’s a relief. Judging from the horrified reaction upon telling the crowd that I watched with that I was actively rooting against “The Reader” (and that Sean Penn win’s for “Milk” at least made up for Kate Winslet’s win), I thought I was the only one. What a horrible, plodding movie. Ruined a perfectly good book, too.

just realizing not only was there no mention of nicholson, he wasn’t even there. and no one thanked jebus.
two firsts.
what to make of this, i don’t know. armageddon?

@baked: They did play a clip of his “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” acceptance speech during the Best Actor montage, but perhaps that was it. Seems strange, though, for him to not even show up.

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