Someone Get the Pole Out of the Crawl Space
Time for the Airing of Grievances. The comments are open.
To New York City tourists: Learn how to walk in the fucking city. Sidewalks are not for standing around – people here have shit to do. Herds of cornfed Midwesterners clog the sidewalks looking around like they’ve never seen a hot dog cart before. If you want to stand around and point at the Chrysler Building, don’t stand in the middle of the sidewalk!
And you can skip the Christmas extravaganza at Radio City – it blows.
Yes. Happy Festivus to all.
For a while, a very good friend of mine and I used to give out a “Frank and Estelle Costanza Parent of the Year Award” for the parents who most behaved like Frank and Estelle. I’m sad to say that my parents won a few times.
Enough chit chat. On to the Grievances:
1) To the Finance Industry. FUCK YOU! The more you whine, the less I’m inclined to give a shit.
I don’t think I’m an AWFUL person, but watching reality give this major shit kicking to a group of smug self assured short sighted assholes makes my heart grow five times as I feast on your pain. Same goes to the energy industry.
2) To the Wingnuts. Stop pretending you actually have a brain or are sane or competent. You don’t have anything except your anger at the universe for making you, well, you. It’s about fucking time you look in the mirror and realize that the people holding you back is you.
3) To the Fundies. Like you know all the fucking answers. I’m a man of science and I know I don’t have ALL the answers. The universe is an incredibly infinitely complex system. Learn to read or read a book! Something that isn’t so narrow minded or Jeebusy.
4) To my parents. Despite what you think, your little boy isn’t crazy about marrying a Korean Fundie or any sort of Fundie for that matter. Note to parents, if the Fundie Girl in question hates Halloween because it is the devil’s work then she’s a KRAZY Fundie.
1. My job totally blows. It is dull, I’m surrounded by sycophants and bureaucrats, it doesn’t pay very well and for the first time in my life I don’t like getting up and getting shit done.
2. The job market sucks. If it weren’t for this, I’d do something about no. 1.
3. To the other people who make coffee in the office: make it fucking strong already! You can make yours taste like brown crayon water easier than I can make mine strong enough to jumpstart a dimestore monkey. Fix this and I could almost tolerate no. 1 and forget about no.2.
4. Enough with the forecasts of “wintry mix”! When it is not quite cold enough to bring full-on snow, which is a lot of the time in early winter in the northeast, you get a mix of snow and freezing rain. It sucks, but is not deserving of its own name. “Snow and freezing rain” works just fine.
To Jerry Seinfield: You suck. You make my skin crawl every time I see your ugly-assed Mr. Limpet fish face and hear your whining pedantic middlebrow dumbass observations.
@nabisco: “Jumpstart a dimestore monkey.” He he.
Every time I see mention of a dime store monkey, I am filled with teh glad.
My grievance is with my brain chemistry and my well-meaning head doctors. The holidays are always difficult for me, but this year seems to be the worst, what with debilitating anxiety and worsening depression, I’m not feeling the Xmas spirit right now. I’m supposedly home with the flu, but I’m really home with the boo hoos and the jump out of your skins.
JNOV: honey, please know that I hope that His Noodly Appendages touch you inappropriately this holiday season ;) Srsly, hon, please know that you’re not alone.
I got a lotta problems with you people.
1) DC reporters, writers, and talking heads: where the fuck do you get this “we are a center-right country” shit? Johnny Mac tried to label Black Eagle as a commie pinko socialist and WE STILL VOTED FOR HIM. Stop moving the fucking goalposts for the Democrat. It’s nice to know you found a supposed spine after taking it up the ass for eight years from the Caligutard, but Black Eagle isn’t even in office yet. Sit down and shut the fuck up.
2) My fellow Californians: you let your inner hick show on Election Day and it wasn’t pretty with Proposition 8. You were dumb enough to fall for the “it’ll be taught in schools” crap.
3) To Congress: What the fuck do I pay your salary for? I vote to send a critter to the House and two senators and you can’t even do your jobs by investigating the abuses of the Chimp in Charge? Then, to truly demonstrate your incompetence, you give Hank Paulson complete control over distributing my money in a bailout without ensuring it has to be loaned out. Moronic or crooked? Which one?
4) Oh, Sarah. Stay in Alaska until you can form a complete sentence, OK?
@rptrcub: And you brought a smile to my face. Thank you. Now where’s my dime store monkey? You can’t get a fucking monkey anywhere these days. It’s a disgrace!
@nabisco: Make your overlords get one of those single-cup machines where you can set the strength. It’s saved a lot of lives here at my place of work.
And to the Bible thumpers on the subway … shut the fuck up. Nobody wants to hear your spittle-flecked rants about Jeebus and how we’re all going to hell. If there’s a hell, I want to go there – can you imagine how fucking boring heaven will be? Filled with pious assholes. So do your fucking preaching on a streetcorner where we can get away from you. The subway offers no escape until you get to your stop. The next fucker who shakes a Bible in my face gets it shoved up his ass.
@JNOV: Damn right you’re not alone – I’m calling in a prescription refill as I write this …. Just hang on – it’ll be February soon and that always fills one with joy.
@JNOV: hoping the boo hoos do not last very long.
1) To George W. Bush and Dick Cheney – FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU…in rough chronological order….
a) for stealing the 2000 election
b) for dismantling environmental protection
c) for installing fundie Xtian morans at all levels of government
d) for dismantling and disparaging all scientific and technical research
e) for outlawing stem cell research and dooming millions of living people to shortened and less quality existence under curable diseases
f) for systematically stripping away reproductive rights for women in the U.S. and abroad
g) for injecting religion into social services in the U.S. and abroad
h) for planning to invade Iraq starting in Spring 2001
i) for ignoring all warnings that Al-Qaeda was planning 9/11
j) for destroying all possibility of national unity by singling out Arabs and Muslims for suspicion
k) for destroying all possibility of a collective national response by telling heartbroken Americans to go shopping instead of making any sort of sacrifice post-9/11
l) for fucking up the invasion of Afghanistan; for not finding bin Laden and dismantling al-Qaeda
m) for establishing Gitmo; for saying that the Geneva Conventions on torture are “quaint”
n) PATRIOT Act; wiretapping, etc.
o) Freedom Fries
p) You’re either with us or against us
q) non-existent WMDs
r) the invasion of Iraq
s) imposing further sanctions on Cuba that do nothing but punish regular citizens
t) ignoring the systematic slaughter and rape of millions in Sudan
….wait…I’m still only in 2003 and am running out of letters…
u) Halliburton making billions in contracts in Iraq
v) forgetting about Afghanistan and the totally predictable resurgence of the Taliban and oppression of millions of Afghans, especially the women
w) The torture of prisoners at Abu Ghraib prison
x) Rumsfeld’s “You go to war with the army you have, not the army you want.”
y) Walter Reed Hospital; emblematic of the shitty treatment of our troops; being sent back to Iraq for a third or fourth tour
z) Mission Accomplished
which leads us to…
aa) Bush’s Second Term – Stealing the election in Ohio thanks to Diebold and no machines in black neighborhoods and at universities
bb) Ever-shifting rationales for war
cc) Go spend more money! Go buy a house! We’ll borrow more money from China!
dd) We don’t need no stinkin’ regulation of the markets, you pinko commie
ee) Chief Justice Roberts
ff) Justice Samuel Alito
gg) Hurricane Katrina, the Canadian Mounties arrive to help in NOLA before any FEMA or other US federal assistance
hh) “Heckuva job, Brownie!”
ii) Mama Bush condescending to the Katrina refugees in Houston
jj) Billions of dollars shoved to Mississippi buddy Haley Barbour, crap for Democratic-led Louisiana
kk) Did you know that there are close to 1000 children from NOLA who still haven’t been reunited with their families post-Katrina?
ll) Minneapolis bridge collapse
mm) How’s that war in Iraq going?
nn) Record bumper year for poppy production in Afghanistan
oo) What is this clusterfuck going on in Pakistan?
pp) I know! Let’s threaten to nuke Iran!
qq) Fuck you SCOTUS, we’re still not giving Gitmo prisoners any rights
rr) Hey China, can we haz mo’ money? kthxbai
ss) More environmental assaults and rollbacks
tt) cuts to legal services organizations
uu) Oh, I almost forgot about tax cuts for the rich
vv) Drill for oil in Alaska
ww) Cheerleaders for Palin
xx) Can I haz SUVs?
yy) I am so exhausted from making this list
zz) Four weeks left to go
2) Ahh, fuck it, I can’t remember any other grievances right now.
I have no grievances because 2008 was the most wonderful year of my life. I know that 2009 will be even more wonderful. I can hardly wait to experience all he wonderful things that are about to happen. It will be wonderful.
@JNOV: Feel better. Ramen.
Sweet JNOV, please know that you’re not alone. Society imposes this false expectation of happiness and joy this time of year, and it makes all of us who have true mixed emotions or ennui and depression feel like total freaks. We’re not. We’re just honest and not playing along.
@blogenfreude: Stand in the middle of the street, please!
@SanFranLefty: Great list.
Also, burrowing appointees into regular government jobs – Obama will find them you useless fucks!
And your last minute regulations. Pricks. Just fuck up a few more national parks before you go! Assholes.
@SanFranLefty: I cannot possibly follow this totally comprehensive list.
Desires are inexhaustible, I vow to master them. Right.
@SanFranLefty: that’s enough to last a lifetime right there.
SFL, you did better than I ever could, but here’s mine:
A) Certain Democrats, Gheyz, Human Rights Campaigners, liberals and progressives: don’t tell me to fucking shut up about Rick Warren.
A1) Unicorn and Plugz: you still don’t get it, do you?
B) W and Darth Cheney: you and your enablers have special seats on the express German bullet ICE train to Hades.
C) Cars: I hate having to pay for repairs and gas.
D) Jackass drivers in BMWs and Mercedes: when the revolution comes, you will be the first to die.
E) People in eastern Cobb, north Fulton and northeast Gwinnett counties: you are the people who are the jackasses and are overentitled privileged fucks. Fuck all y’all. This also goes to people in such suburbs in every metropolitan area of the country
F) People who voted yes on CA 8, AZ 102, AR 1, and FL 2 and donated to said causes: fuck you fucking moronic people.
G) People who believe the Bible is the inerrant word of God: boy, you are in a SEVERE surprise when you die.
H) Georgia General Assembly: fuck you people for the stupid social issue shit you’re going to try to pull, prolly, in the next session, and for doing nothing about transit because you don’t want black people controlling MARTA.
I) Fratboys on Wall Street who have fucked us over nationally and globally: you will also receive complimentary tickets for the express train to hell.
J) Unemployment rates: fuck you, you hateful numbers, too.
K) An enemy of mine who insulted and humiliated me in a bear club publicly: I hope your little bear run in the summer is teh FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL.
[End channeling Ice-T at the playa haters’ ball]
People who name their children “Adolph Hitler.”
WARREN COUNTY, NJ (NBC) – There’s more fallout after a Pennsylvania supermarket refused to put a child’s name on his birthday cake. The little boy’s name is Adolph Hitler Campbell.
While the market said no, Wal-Mart decorated the cake as ordered.
And now, some customers are furious.
His story has become a world-wide sensation.
Three-year-old Adolf Hitler Campbell denied a personalized birthday cake because of his name.
Last week, employees at the Warren County, New Jersey Shop-Rite refused to decorate a cake with the name “Adolf Hitler” on it but those at the Wal-Mart in Lower Zazareth Township honored the request. A decision the company now seems to regret.
According to a Wal-Mart spokesman, the company has received complaints from customers offended that the store would make a cake bearing the Nazi ruler’s name.
A Wal-Mart shopper says “I wouldn’t make the cake – I thought it was something we wouldn’t see in this century.
It’s now reviewing its decorating policy that, up until now, only banned profanity.
A Wal-Mart shopper says “they should have better sense.”
While many Wal-Mart shoppers question the store’s decision to make the cake, others wonder where do you draw the line on what’s offensive and what’s freedom of speech.
Shopper Denise Ackley says “I hate it I hate it but how can you say they aren’t allowed. If you are going to allow these freedoms that are in our constitution, sometimes it goes against what we believe.”
Shopper Paul Lambert says “if his parents named him Jesus Christ, I’m sure they would put Jesus Christ on the cake.”
@mellbell: I walk up 50th to the 1 train at 7th Ave. most days around 8pm. They stand in the middle of the fucking sidewalk looking at the Xmas tree when there’s plenty of room near the skating rink. They crowd 6th Avenue to get into fucking Radio City. Last night there was a group blocking the sidewalk because they couldn’t figure out whether to eat from a cart called HALAL. Just get a dirty-water dog and get out of my fucking way.
@JNOV: Hang tough, sis. If it helps, you can name my first polyp on Jan 2nd!
@blogenfreude: S’alright. Last year I tooka picture of my kids with the people dressed up as SpongeBob and Dora the Explorer near the tree, then stiffed them on the tip. I shrugged my shoulders and muttered at them in passable serbo-croat. We did not stand in the sidewalk, however.
@Prommie: Not as bad, but should any guy be named Cody? Or Dakota? Or Kyle? Or any of those other Kathy Lee Gifford trailer park names?
And if any of you are named that, well, it’s Festivus. And I have problems with LOTS OF THINGS.
@Prommie: Will the little boy get his first swastika tattoo for his 5th birthday?
@blogenfreude: don’t forget Pilot Inspektor, Apple, or any other sort of abortions of nomenclature thanks to the celebrities who breed them.
YOUR CHILD IS NOT A UNIQUE FUCKING SNOWFLAKE.
@Prommie: That article doesn’t mention the best part — the other child whose middle name is “Aryan Nation.” Sort of saps the parents’ argument that they weren’t motivated by bigotry and just wanted a unique name. If anyone deserves to get the Walter Sobchak treatment, it’s those jerks.
Have you ever seen Baby’s Named a Bad, Bad Thing? Piss your pants funny stuff.
And remember – we have to do Feats of Strength. Mine is to attempt not to worry about the fact that we could ALL BE LIVING IN FUCKING BUSHVILLES NEXT FESTIVUS.
Addendum to my list: L) Rick Warren blaming bloggers for fomenting hatefulness. Watch at about 1:45 min into the video. Pot, meet kettle.
@JNOV: Hang on, sweetie. You are not alone. Your stinquers love you very much.
I would like to thank SFL and Manchu for stating so many of my grievances more coherently and eloquently than I ever could.
My personal grievance this year is cheating ratbastards everywhere, especially my brother-in-law, Dr. Dickhead, who’s very lucky I can’t afford to come to the inauguration because if I did I’d have to drive down to Virginia and cut his balls off. And if you’re going to cheat, take responsibility for your actions instead of whining that you were “vulnerable and feeling low about yourself.” Asshole.
@rptrcub: And I have a grievance with Melissa Etheridge for concluding that Warren is anything other than a bigot. What is she, fucking stupid?
@Signal to Noise: @blogenfreude:
And speaking of White Trash-tastic names, how could we forget Track, Bristol, Piper, Willow, and Trig?
@SanFranLefty: I was rolling on the hardwood floor halfway through “brought to you by the letter Y.”
@Signal to Noise:
Wait until you get to the sections on “Welsh” and “Native American” names. The website is a guaranteed pick-me-up.
@blogenfreude: Dialogue is for people who have conflicts over the border of a country. Not for people who devalue you as a human being and want to make you something you’re not.
Addendum M): The increase in hate crimes everytime these initiatives pass; the gang rape of a lesbian in SF.
My grievance: Why is it that as soon as you have exhausted your financial reserves buying presents for your friends and family, either a) your car breaks down or b) your cat gets sick and needs to go to the vet. The latter happened to me this morning. I am supposed to drive home through the wind and snow tomorrow, so I am sure the former can’t be far behind.
(PS teh Kitteh seems fine – I think she was just jealous that I wasn’t spending money on her, so puking and crapping all over the apartment seemed like a good solution)
It was actually in the East Bay city of Richmond, known for its crime problems. What was really horrifying was when the original article appeared in the SF Chronicle a few days ago, all of the knuckle-draggers on the comments board saying shit like “Well, now that she’s had some dick maybe she’ll go straight.” STAB STAB STAB STAB.
Oh, and here’s a (N) for your list – Pope Benedict sez gheyz threaten humanity as much as rain forest destruction. STAB STAB STAB.
@SanFranLefty: That site is awesome. What did we finally decide on for Bristol’s baby’s name? Carburetor Strut Palin? Malamute Carport Palin?
And I have a grievance with Levi’s mom – couldn’t you have gotten caught during the Republican National Convention? Timing dammit, timing!
@SanFranLefty: my day was made by the person who said she admired Freddie Prinze, Jr. and was wondering what his dad was named.
@Signal to Noise: I stopped after that I was laughing so hard.
@SanFranLefty: At my sister-in-law’s school, there is a student named La-Nea. Not really that strange, except the mother got really pissed with all of the teachers because you are supposed to pronounce the “-” as “dash”, thus Ladashnea.
@nabisco: Thank you for being considerate. This is one of the worst times of the year in midtown.
Whatever happened to naming kids after the relative with the most money to leave them? O tempores, O mores!
@homofascist: Remember Natron Means, the running back? Who names a kid after stuff Egyptians used to preserve mummies?
And another issue I have – I keep hearing an ad on the radio where you can name a star after someone. Are you fucking kidding me? Like the universe cares. Like an astronomer is going to say: “Oh look, Sarah Palin is going supernova!” How arrogant we are.
@homofascist: In connection with work I once exchanged emails with a woman named Rena. It wasn’t until we spoke on the phone that I realized it was pronounced like Renee. Um…
I guess they had a feeling about the Wall St meltdown before any of us did…
Can’t wait for Google Shamwow Huffington to show up in classrooms.
@blogenfreude: The indigenous people of La Moskitia in Central America are known for naming their kids after inanimate objects. I visited a refugee family along the Río Wawa in Nicaragua whose kid was named “Rayovac”.
I could make a list, but I got Esther Satterfield on the turntable and just found an auld Lambert, Hendricks and Ross recording I haven’t heard in a year. Things could be worse. I think I’ll make cocoa.
@FlyingChainSaw: I get to air my grievances every morning, so it’s hard to come up with something fresh. Can’t even bitch about the server these days.
Grievance: Right wing Rush listening friends who send you anti-Obama emails all year long and get huffy when you do a reply all that says “thanks to the republicans for fucking our county up. It’ll take a generation to recover.”
Feat of Strength: Two and a half hours of shoveling snow at 8 am and a re-do at 11 am. Working out with a hangover.
@nabisco: “Wintry Mix” should be cold gin poured over fresh snow garnished with a dried cranberry.
Bless you all.
@blogenfreude: She didn’t want to piss off her best customers.
@blogenfreude: Dodgers had a guy, Marquise Grissom. His Dad worked on the Mercury assembly line. Good think he didn’t make Yugos. There’s an urban legend around about a mom who named her kid “Chlamydia.”
@blogenfreude: Mine is crawling out of bed this morning and facing the 12-degree weather after making last call at 2am.
As someone with an odd first name, I feel for these kids.
@redmanlaw: My sidewalk and driveway are being shovelled as we speak by a neighbor whose husband has been laid off. I wish I had more than $20 to give her.
Hmm…speaking of getting Poles out of crawlspaces….if that could happen, birthrates in Wisconsin would absolutely plummet.
Chicago Bureau (via telegraph) would like to file a grievance about the snow at O’Hare.
I have been waiting for this.
1) To everyone I work with: I hate all of you. The support staff are complete fucking morons that can’t even do something as simple as staple a motion before filing it. My clients don’t listen to my advice and opposing counsel are all obstructionist assholes. I’d leave but in this job market I have nowhere to go. Fuck you all, you miserable fucking idiots.
2) To “that one”: What the fuck are you doing man? You made it clear you don’t want a relationship. Well, fine. But why are you still emailing me? And what the fuck is with the hinting around that you’d like to go out and saying you’d like to see me but then back out at the last minute? And finally, who emails someone just to ask what the temperature here is? Your whole fucking family lives here. Ask them. Or better yet, you’re on a computer, motherfucker. Google it! Make up your fucking mind what you want, you chickenshit. Oh, and you know what? I’m the reason you weren’t invited to that party. Ha! Suck on it!
3) To the postman: Is it really so hard to put the mail all the way into the slot? Must you leave it hanging halfway in full view of passers-by? And what the fuck was with the mail stop a full week before my vacation earlier this year? Not cool, dude.
4) To my brain: Stop with the migraines already. Seven in the past nine days is too goddamn much. I can’t take it anymore. Please.
5) To J-No: Thanks bitch. You cut and run just when this state needs you most. And now my friends who were on the cusp of being appointed to the bench are not going to be relegated to the end of the line because Brewer isn’t going to appoint anyone to the left of Attila the Hun, much less a Democrat. Good luck in that dead end job.
Seven migraines in nine days? Please, please go see a doctor about that. That is dangerous.
@Jamie Sommers: @SanFranLefty: Indeed, please to be seeing a doctor.
@Jamie Sommers: My OH was getting a lot of migraines. I found a place called the New England Pain Center that made them bearable and then stop. Let me know if you want the address. Or Google it. I think that’s the right name. You must be miserable from them. You can get help.
Addendum O) Youth “minister” and magician found — at the Target across the street from me — doing things to little boys indicted for child pornography.
@rptrcub: Magic Jeff. He could be our next “Obscure GOP Pervert of the Day” if we can figure out his politics.
@SanFranLefty: @rptrcub: @Benedick: Thanks, y’all. I’ve been seeing a neurologist for about a year now and we’ve been trying to find a combination of abortives and preventatives that work. This is the worst it’s been but I’ve got an appointment next week to see what’s next since the stuff I’m on now is obviously not working. Who knows, though, maybe it’s the stress of the holidays that’s making it worse?
HA haha hahaha haha HAHAHAHA
flying 6 thousands miles off the beach to the desert with lying cheating bastard and 4 animals and i almost got raped faced hurricane ike lost most of my money and my mind i’m living in rubble waiting to be packed i don’t know how i’m getting my giant dog there and we can’t do a private charter anymore like we could before i think my rat bastard husbands wants him to die rather than pay for his voyage my IBS has be never more than 5 feet from a bathroom my family is insane.
@SanFranLefty: Oh, that was awesome. WaPo even has an airing of grievances page. I agree with the dude who grieved about the phrase “ATM machine.”
6) Pull your freakin’ car all the way up to the interesection. There is no excuse for hanging 30′ behind the crosswalk line unless it’s 110 degreess outside and you’re catching shade that far back. But that is possible only on about 3 intersections in the entire county and you ain’t at one of them!
7) People who ask me what I’m doing for (insert holiday here). You don’t care and I don’t want to tell you so STFU.
8) Christmas. The whole damn thing.
that was the dumbest comment i ever made. i’m wasted and confused and now worried about JNOV and JAMIE.
we will get help, we will be better. BELIEVE.
@Jamie Sommers: So sorry about the migraines. Hope you find some relief soon. From your grievances, I’d venture to guess that stress is a contributing factor.
@baked: He wants you to go, he pays for the dog. Period.
I thought it was a good comment, a tad stream of consciousness compared to my OCD rearing its head when I made my list of Bush-Cheney grievances.
I’m sure it’s the holiday stress contributing to your migraines. Plus the work stress?
I am a complete basket case about the upcoming three days of “family togetherness” that I am going to have to endure. It always ends up really ugly by the time I’m leaving.
@SanFranLefty: I feel for all of you who have to deal with family drama. As much as I dislike the holiday, it has gotten easier since I became an orphan. I got out to do a little stocking up before the next ice and snow storm tomorrow. (I am so over this shit). Anyway, I found a fabulous new product at the local grocery: Thai chili bloody mary mix from the “Garlic Lady.” So new tradition: bloodies on Xmas AM. I’m almost looking forward to it.
I feel great when I finish my cocoa. But then I have to clean the cup and the sauce pan.
@Jamie Sommers: My wife gets migraines, and has been fairly successful taking a very low dose of an SSRI as a preventative, then she has something really strong for when one comes on — as it did the other night. I guess no one has really figured them out — she goes to a neurologist who also gets them.
Threadjack: I just heard Molly Hatchet on the radio, next best thing to Foghat, and I was pleased, hearing Molly Hatchet to me is like finding a piece of seaglass, not very noteworthy, but pleasant. Yes, I am so narcissistic that I think this will be interesting to other people. Carry on.
@Jamie Sommers: In my state there is a longstanding courtesy, no matter who is the governor, when they appoint judges, they let the dems pick half, and the repubs pick half.
A kinda friend from law school has just been appointed Corzine’s COS, the most powerful person in NJ, Corzine is kinda dilletantish and hands off. But I couldn’t call him now, I haven’t spoken to him in 5 years, thats why it pays to stay in touch, I guess. Our bond stems from the night at a law school party when his wife got real drunk and started drooling on me, like flat out hitting on me in front of him, it was the talk for a week or so.
@rptrcub: The only time I ever visited Atlanta the current joke was that MARTA stood for “Moving Africans Rapidly Through Atlanta. Ha ha ha, thats a real knee slapper, I heard it 20 times in a weekend.
@Promnight: Call his wife.
How can you mention the immortal Foghat in the same sentence as (cough) Molly Hatchet? I’ll spare sensitive feelings by leaving my comment to that.
@Ewalda: In my memory, I was living in the South, mind you, Molly Hatchet, Foghat, and Rick Derringer seem to go together. We were mourning Lynyrd Skynyrd, when suddenly this Molly Hatchet appeared, lasted just long enough to get us through the mourning period. And I did go to UF, Gator Country is an anthem to me. There’s a gator in the bushes, and he’s calling my name! Yee haw. I lived very near Yeehaw Junction, Florida.
@baked: I thought it was a good comment too.
@FlyingChainSaw: It has been my experience that such opportunities are fleeting, and if not seized immediately, any effort to follow up will be powerfully rebuffed.
The conventional situation is that the dudes are drooling pussyhounds, obvious as hell, crude, and predictable. But on rare occasions I have seen a perfectly respectable woman seized with an overpowering lust, and I have seen women in such a state act in ways that make the predictable sloppy and obvious actions of a typical horndog dude look like childs play. My impression is that once in a blue moon, women will actually have the same raving horndog thing going on, that men have going on every waking moment, and its startling, suprising, and wonderful when it happens. Its awe-inspiring in the sheer lustfulness of it. But I have to say, I have always held back when presented with that situation, in every case the woman’s actions were so out of the ordinary for them, as to make me think there would be something dishonorable about taking advantage of the situation. Does this make any sense at all? I would go all protective and gentelmanly, like I wanted to help them avoid doing anything they would wake up regretting. I probably missed out on some of the best sex I could have ever had.
@Promnight: I forgot the Florida angle. You’re forgiven.
@Promnight: I probably missed out on some of the best sex I could have ever had.
Yes, yes you did.
I have missed out on some of the greatest sex anyone has ever missed out on. I would venture to say I have missed out on more great sex than anyone. My low self esteem led me to pursue the hindmost in the herd, and when I found sex, it was always two wounded sad creatures filled with doubt and guilt furtively and guiltily fumbling. I wonder what it must have been like, to be young and single and confident, to be the football hero with the cheerleader captain fucking like it should be done. I never learned to fuck till I was middle aged, damn, what would it have been like when young, I keep thinking.
@Promnight: Promnight, or should we say, PromKnight, I was kidding. As if I would suggest calling her and saying, ‘Hey, remember me, Prom, yeah. Hey, remember that party where I demurred your suggestion to pestork you savagely, relentlessly and without remorse on the glider next to the pool? Well, actually, I deferred. I am completely prepared now to give you the good news, if you can connect me up with your COS husband again. No, I am completely serious and I want to assure you though it has been some years, I can still pick up a dime off the floor with my prehensile penis without bending my knees. As God as my witness.’
But please if you do, record it and post.
OMFG, please save one of those Thai Bloodies for me when I go up to Ory-Gone?!
And yes, I hate to say it, but being an orphan has its cleanliness to it. Though that said, it’s nothing like 5 days around extended family to make you realize how much you could potentially compartmentalize family members into the acceptable and not acceptable catagories.
You had me at “prehensile penis”
@Mistress Cynica: Fuck that shit, here is the deal, I make thai chili tomato martinis, I have spoken of these before. You know how when you dice fresh tomatoes for a salsa, there is this clear tomato essence, a clear nectar of tomatoness that seeps out of the the diced tomatos? I collect that, it takes a lot off tomatoes to get a quarter of a cup of this precious nectar, and its worthless if its not summer and the tomatos not home-grown, though I will give the Campari brand of tomatos my whole-hearted endorsement year round.
I take the precious quarter cup of this precious tomato nectar, and I add it to a muddled mix of thai chilis, lemon grass, cilantro, lime, and a touch of fish sauce. I use a mortar and pestle to crush the chilis, lemon grass, a and cilantro, then add the tomato nectar and lime juice and fish sauce.
This precious, wonderful mix is like the Vermouth, now you just fill a shaker with crushed ice, add vodka and the nectar of the gods you have made, and turn out thai bloody mary martinis. Yum fucking yum yum yum. Come to my house the Sunday before the inauguration and I will make this for you. And make more and more and more until we fall down.
@FlyingChainSaw: FCS, I was kidding, as well. Just an excuse to bring up the observation that if a woman should ever make a fool of herself over you, if you don’t fuck her, she will pretend it never happened. I have no idea what happens if you do fuck her, though, because I never did. I was quite the moron when I was young.
What does happen in the aftermath, if you do oblige the young lady in these circumstances? I have no idea, though my guess would be its exactly the same, something along the lines of “Who are you?”
@Promnight: That sounds amazing. I think I need a cigarette. Wish I could be there for the inauguration, but poverty prevents. And after 20 years of dental insurance with no tooth problems whatsoever, now that I’m uninsured I have a chipped molar –part of it just came off while I was flossing, fer chrissakes. Just thinking about it, I may have to go have a test bloody right now.
@SanFranLefty: A pitcher of Thai bloodies will await you. It would be nice if you could just choose the relatives you’d like to see and blow off everyone else. Inevitably the person I like most is tightly joined to someone I can’t stand.
AMEN, Sister Cynica. I want to drink the pitcher of Thai bloodies with you in the worse possible way.
I am about to spend 48 hours in hell (“Why aren’t you and Mr. SFL breeding?” “Why are you so fat?” “How can you live with all those homos around you?” “How much is your mortgage?” “How come you went to ___ Law School and you’re __ years old and your mama bought your plane ticket to come here this weekend?” “When are you going to get a real job and stop being an attorney for those fat ___ welfare ____ mothers who have babies?” “Why did you go work on the campaign of the black Mooslem?”) ….
…all so that I can say goodbye to one of my favorite persons in the world – my hilarious, brilliant, liberal, lover-of-the-underdog great aunt from the Great Northwest when Washington was an out of the way state, who had to deal with her father’s suicide, her sister’s institutionalization, her sister (my grandma)’s bat-shit-crazy insanity, her nephew and grandson’s horrificly violent suicides….and her brilliant witty mind that held the family together for 60 years is being stripped away due to Alzheimer’s Disease. She no longer recognizes anyone, but I am her favorite and I am the first grand-niece, and I am told I should say good bye to her because she may recognize me, as I look and act like her.
What the fuck am I supposed to do with that information?
Besides self medicate with Thai Bloodies?
Oh, and there is no cell or intertubes reception where I am going.
P.S. to Cynica: I have been haunted by a weird snaggly tooth for the last two months. Can you go to the med/dental school in Portland and guarantee to be a guinea pig?
@Promnight: FYI, she won’t just pretend it never happened, she will resent the ever-living hell out of you for rejecting her when she was making a fool of herself over you until her dying day. Not that I would know from personal experience. No, of course not.
@SanFranLefty: I’m so sorry about your great-aunt. I lost my beloved grandmother to Alzheimer’s, and it is horrible. I wasn’t there when she died, but she thought her nurse was me, so she didn’t suffer. I, however, will always be haunted by the guilt. Even if she doesn’t know you, at least neither you nor anyone else can reproach you for not trying.
Do have appropriate pharmaceutical support? Can you drink there? Do you still have my cell phone number and lots of quarters so you can call from the pay phone in the middle of Bumfuckistan? Being an orphan, I run a 24-hour support line for friends dealing with family on the holidays. Just my way of giving back.
Oh, I am already ridden with guilt because my (still-living) grandma on the other side has Alzheimer’s and is in a home on a feeding tube and no longer recognizes my father (her only child). My crazy mother gleefully reports how her M-i-L is now on a stomach tube and “last time we saw her she thought I was you” and I just want to shoot myself and my insane (yes she is) mother.
I said good bye to my grandma 10 years ago when she still realized what was going on and asked me to smother her. I said no to her, and have watched (but not really) from 500 miles away as she died a slow painful death of losing all dignity. If I were a stronger and braver woman, maybe I would have honored her wishes, or given her a giant glass of sleeping pills in water. I prefer to remember her as the semi-drunk glamorous grandma who went to China and India and brought me presents, and not the shell of a woman in a diaper asking for a stuffed animal.
And now I get to go through this again with the great aunt who stood in for my bat-shit crazy grammy on the other side.
Gmail me your cell phone number. I may need it. And if I don’t call it, it will make me feel better to know I have it.
Oh, and I can’t have pharmaceuticals with me because everyone else there is in AA/NA or about to be court-ordered to AA/NA, so I can’t roll up there w/ pharmaceuticals, as much as i need them. Plus I’m flying, so unless I get hammered at 8 am at SFO, I’m shit out of luck for a few days.
@SanFranLefty: Cell# on its way. Nothing wrong with getting hammered at 8 AM if you need to. That’s why FSM gave us bloodies, a/k/a Breakfast in a Glass.
My brother has promised he would help me die if I ever got like Mama, and he’s just crazy enough to do it, which is why I asked him. I’m so sorry about these two wonderful women in your life. I hope you can remember them the way they were. Take care. I’ll be thinking of you.
@SanFranLefty: Good FSM. Can we at least get you away to some hole in the wall so you could at least have one bevvy?
@Promnight: I heard that as a child, but white people aren’t laughing so much now that we have worse traffic than Los Angeles. They had a chance to build what could have been like the DC Metro (imperfect, I know, but still) — instead, they chose to stunt it. Mind you, there was animosity on both sides from the beginning: white people were afraid that black people would come into their neighborhoods, live, cavort and steal their large-ass CRT televisions (hard to do on a MARTA train or bus); black people were afraid that the system would only be one to take people from the ‘burbs into downtown and back — getting nowhere in the city.
Now, white people want to live in town again and realize how much they fucked things up. There are plans to build a streetcar up the iconic main drag, and first Peachtree-related chemin, Peachtree Street, and possibly a light-rail loop called the Beltline, not to mention a heavy rail extension into far north Fulton.
hey lefty and cyn,
almost 8 am here, thanks for the go ahead to get hammered. again.
oh lefty, the story about your aunts has hit me hard. i want to drink thai mary’s with you guys so so much!
my mother is insane because she was a black beauty speed freak in the 50’s and permantly fried her brains. my dad was overbearing and changed wives more often than his underware. natch, they all hated and abused me. i was shuffled around my entire childhood. when i wasn’t in new york being traumatized by stepmonster du jour, i was in philly mostly with my grandparents, and 2 great aunts who were my refuge, my happiness, the only place i felt loved. one just died a few months ago, lucid til the end, i did get to talk to her everyday. she would be the final word on big decisions i had to make. and the other one is failing, went into a nursing home 2 weeks ago and is losing it. my entire life i would call and say, hi! it’s your favorite niece! to which she would respond, bonnela! she’s forgotten, confusion has commandeered her mind. but i call everyday. and cry. my grandparents are long gone and so everyone that really loved me is gone. the rest of the family i could live without forever, except the nieces and nephews.
you are not alone. holidays bring out all this pain. we remember our lost loved ones and the fun at holiday dinners that can never be the same. my only sister, my closest friend, died on thanksgiving years ago, but still feels like yesterday. so fuck thanksgiving too.
whoops, it’s after 8, excuse me while i pack a bowl and pack some clothes. bah. humbug.
@SanFranLefty: If you have any luck your great-aunt might have one of those windows that do sometimes open in Alzheimers. My mother’s death last year was relatively easy. I did what I could to help her on her way. Take care of yourself.
Pack a pint bottle of something. Or two. And pick up some tomato juice there.
your grievance list was magnificent. i have one more:
for telling fuck you to kyoto.
SFL, thats so horrible, I am sorry. I always assumed they would cure death before I got old. Now I have this to look forward to.
@Mistress Cynica: Oh Gawd, did I really make that many enemies? I was trying to be good.
After reading the above, I am even more thankful I was born into the family I have.
@SanFranLefty: Oh, holy shit! I’m so sorry Lefty. That’s a helluva lot to deal with. My migraines don’t sound so bad now. Hope everything goes well.
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