Vote Now for the 2008 Stinque Awards!

Sean Hannity: 1, 2,5, 6, 7.

Silver Sausage to Miss McConnell for blocking legislation. Since it’s a sausage, he’ll really enjoy it.

* Crystal Douchebag for Lifetime Achievement
Bill Kristol

* Diamond Freezer for Best Scandal Not Involving Reproductive Organs
Simple Sarah Palin and her wardrobe. I’d like to say Hilsbot and her 3am phone calls, the RFK analogy and the “hard working” people who aren’t black comments, but nothing compares to the grifter and her band of hillbillies from Alaska.

* Palladium Pinnochio for Best Human Prop in a Supporting Role
Trig

* Mylar Gasbag for Best Wind Broken by a Pundit
Lanny Davis for his pathetic defense of Hilsbot

* Silver Tongue for Excellence in Pandering
Joe Lie for sucking up to the Repubs and Old Man McCain which helped cause the biggest Demrat electoral victory since whenever.

* Silver Sausage for Legislative Accomplishment
Joe Lie for… for… Crickets…

* Le Prix Trudeau for Best Un-American Politician
Bobby Mugabe and his awesome plan to push 1000000000000% inflation and economic/food devastation on his supporters and people of Zimbabwe.

* Golden Helmet for Best Hair
Blago

@blogenfreude: Are you implying Mitch is a schlong gobbling legislator?

Hmm, this is something Dubya could come real close to sweeping.

@nabisco:
I don’t think Shrub had a sex scandal.

SFL’s nominations:
* Crystal Douchebag for Lifetime Achievement
Dick Cheney

* Golden Anal Pear for Asshole of the Year
Gah! Too many to chose from. Can I haz ties? My nominees: Joe Lie, Joe the Plumber, Bill O’Reilly, Bill Kristol, the asshat Congressman from Georgia who called Unicorn “uppity,” Sarah Palin

* Platinum Pampers for Best Sex Scandal
(TIE)
John Edwards because it included a cancer-stricken wife and a bastard child
Vito Fossello because it included drunk driving and a bastard child

* Diamond Freezer for Best Scandal Not Involving Reproductive Organs
(TIE)
Sarah Palin and FashionGate
Blagojevich and the Golden Senate Seat

* Palladium Pinnochio for Best Human Prop in a Supporting Role
Trig

* Mylar Gasbag for Best Wind Broken by a Pundit
(TIE)
Bill Kristol
Tom “Did I Mention the World is Flat” Friedman

* Silver Tongue for Excellence in Pandering
(TIE)
Joe Lie the Jew pandering to John McCain
John McCain pandering to Joe the Plumber

* Silver Sausage for Legislative Accomplishment
Treasury Secretary Hank Paulsen for pulling off the passage of the $700 billion bailout of the finance sector

* Le Prix Trudeau for Best Un-American Politician
Fidel Castro, approaching 50 years of saying “Chinga tu madre, gringo!”

* Golden Helmet for Best Hair
(TIE)
John Edwards
Rod Blagojevich

Manchu has spoken, and his choices are right. I can merely say “mega-dittoes, Manchu.”

* Crystal Douchebag for Lifetime Achievement – I gotta go with Dubya on this one, just because his end is near. Cheney would be good too.

* Golden Anal Pear for Asshole of the Year – Sean Hannity – the worst pundit of the whole season by far.

* Platinum Pampers for Best Sex Scandal – Spitzer – at least it involved a hooker

* Diamond Freezer for Best Scandal Not Involving Reproductive Organs – I realize this one is a little fresh still (and for some of us more than others), but I have to go with Bernie Madoff.

* Palladium Pinnochio for Best Human Prop in a Supporting Role – Trig is good (and for that matter even Sarah would qualify), but I think this should go to Joe The Plumber

* Mylar Gasbag for Best Wind Broken by a Pundit – Dick Morris. ‘Nuff said.

* Silver Tongue for Excellence in Pandering – Senator Droopy Dog himself, Joe-Lie.

* Silver Sausage for Legislative Accomplishment – Miss McConnell, come on down.

* Le Prix Trudeau for Best Un-American Politician – Sarkozy. Or Jacob Zuma, the ANC president mired in scandal who would take a shower afterwards to avoid getting teh AIDS.

* Golden Helmet for Best Hair – Blago

But SFL’s choices are brilliant as well. This is hard work, thinking, its been so long since I have had to do it, and I have been so happy not doing it.

Hey! What’s with the hating on Johnny Earl? He has feelings, people.

I would suggest Cindy McCain for best prop. Or perhaps the vaginal-American Chas Crist just married.

@SanFranLefty: “I don’t think Shrub had a sex scandal.” Arthur Ashe?

BTW. A friend in London tells me that this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EADUQWKoVek is all the rage in the Land That Time Forgot. Barak O’Bama is Irish by Hardy Drew and the Nancy Boys.

Crystal Douchebag for Lifetime Achievement: let’s add Karl Rove to the already mentioned nominees. Can’t forget him.

Golden Anal Pear for Asshole of the Year: You could nominate Limbaugh, Hannity, Kristol or any other pundit and be right. My preference is for the Talibunny.

Platinum Pampers for Best Sex Scandal: Vito Fossella in a landslide. Spitzer was good, but having a baby momma tops that.

Diamond Freezer for Best Scandal Not Involving Reproductive Organs: Inanimate Carbon Rod (allegedly)

Palladium Pinocchio for Best Human Prop in a Supporting Role: Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston, sharing the honors and horrors of pretending to go through with a sham marriage with Mom’s caribou-shootin’ gun to their heads

Mylar Gasbag for Best Wind Broken by a Pundit: Bill Kristol. His blatherings in support of Bible Spice put him over the top this year.

Silver Tongue for Excellence in Pandering: To break up the Senator Droopy Dog bit, nominating John McCain, who played to the racist, eliminationist elements of his base by selecting Sarah Palin and working every “secret leftist” angle he could against Black Eagle

Silver Sausage for Legislative Accomplishment: Sen. Bob Corker of Tennessee, who decided that any auto bailout should go after the auto workers more than the executives. Of course, Senator Corker has foreign, non-union auto manufacturing plants in his state.

Le Prix Trudeau for Best Un-American Politician: Stephen Harper, for being the head of a supposed democratic government and shutting it down when he couldn’t get his way — and his ass was about to be on the way out.

Golden Helmet for Best Hair: Inanimate Carbon Rod.

@Signal to Noise: Its catchy as hell, makes me want to sing along, “there’s noone as Irish as Barack Obamaq.” I have been annoying my family with that one for weeks. I love the name, The Nancy Boys,” too.

Where the fuck is the Palin Grandson-Granddaughter? And when is that fucking wedding to the crack-dealer’s son? Did they make that all up to get the trailer-trash vote? Palin so reminds me of My Name Is Earl, she should do a cameo on it.

Hey, wanna cry, anyone? Today is the anniversary of Joe Strummer’s death.

Crystal Douchebag for Lifetime Achievement

Has to be Dubya — send him off in style.

Golden Anal Pear for Asshole of the Year

Sarah Plain and Dumb, hands down. C’mon. Sarah Palin pals around with drug dealers, y’know. But also: “in what respect, Charlie?” After that, everything that she said was just destroyed in the press, and yet she kept pressing on. She was an idiot who thought that we were too. Stupendous.

Platinum Pampers for Best Sex Scandal

Spitzer will have bitter beer face if he doesn’t win. Dude was lining himself up for bigger things. But, then again, so was John Edwards. He was going to be Attorney General. But, nope. And, of course, if you are going to throw away your entire career AND cheat on your cancer-fighting wife, you have to do it with a crystal-toting broad who looks rather freaky. I vote for Mr. Miiill.

Diamond Freezer for Best Scandal Not Involving Reproductive Organs

Madoff is good. The broader sub-prime meltdown is better. But Rod Blagojevich has this thing which is fucking golden. You don’t just give this award away.

Palladium Pinnochio for Best Human Prop in a Supporting Role

Has to be Joedaplumbah. Has to be.

Mylar Gasbag for Best Wind Broken by a Pundit

It might be Kristol. But I say: K-Lo. Seriously. She would pin the blame for the Detroit Lions winless season on the fact that abortion is legal. Go on. Ask her. She’ll tell you — daily. [ADD: actually, Manchu’s nomination of Lanny Davis makes a good deal of sense.]

Silver Tongue for Excellence in Pandering

Our own Black Eagle. I mean, really: Rick Warren?

Silver Sausage for Legislative Accomplishment

Tom Coburn. This dude is so evil, the Senate was set to vote on a bill cramming through all of the stuff this guy held up. People started calling it the Tomnibus. (Of course, some guy put a hold on the bill.)

Le Prix Trudeau for Best Un-American Politician

How about Hu Jintao? Dude jerked around with the air pollution data and made everything clean. Even Dubya wouldn’t do something so cynical. (Though, there is a month left in his term — I shouldn’t speak so soon.) And the human rights issues magically disappeared while the circus was in town.

Golden Helmet for Best Hair

Wait a minute. We are talking about best hair here. With the idea that this one might actually be legit and not an ironic thing: Rachel Maddow, anyone? (If we are going for irony, here: Rod, obviously.)

@FlyingChainSaw: I am.
http://www.blogactive.com/2007/03/my-old-kentucky-homo.html

SanFranLefty:

@nabisco:
I don’t think Shrub had a sex scandal.

You want me to have a stroke. You want me to imagine what a Dubya sex scandal would look like. You are evil incarnate.

Wait — a supplemental nomination. It may not take it down given all other contenders, and it got shuffled to the back due to later events, but worthy nonetheless:

Silver Tongue for Excellence in Pandering: John Edwards, for Liver Girl.

So far, there is a lot of competition for the le prix Trudeau. We have Mugabe, Zuma, Jintao, Castro, Sarkozy and Blimpie so far. And nobody’s mentioned Russia yet. Or Georgia, or Iran, or Pakistan, or Venezuela. (And knowing people here, somebody’s going to eventually pin something on Norway. They never get called out for anything.)

Like, wow. Makes me so proud to be a U.S. American to know that we haven’t gone that far down the road yet.

@chicago bureau: Remember, when Shrub’s daddy was still Presidentin’, a journalist interviewed W and asked him, “what do you and the President talk about when you are together,” to which W answered “Pussy.” Maybe they shared? Double-teamed, sometimes?

All annual prize events include darkhorse or sympathy nominees, most of which never have a chance. Here are mine:

Crystal Douchebag for Lifetime Achievement: William Jefferson Clinton, for squandering the last remaining respect we had for him with his passive-aggressive attacks on Black Eagle.

Golden Anal Pear for Asshole of the Year: Dick Cheney – this is a lifetime achievement award, really.

Platinum Pampers for Best Sex Scandal: Governor Patterson, for extramarital affairs revealed immediately after taking office, without harm.

Diamond Freezer for Best Scandal Not Involving Reproductive Organs: Barack Obama: secret Muslim or crazee Xtian?

Palladium Pinnochio for Best Human Prop in a Supporting Role: Ronald Reagan during the Republican primaries and convention.

Mylar Gasbag for Best Wind Broken by a Pundit: that Jim Cramer dude for telling everyone to buy Bear Stearns right before it folded.

Silver Tongue for Excellence in Pandering: TIE: Hillbot and her tears; John McCain “suspending” his campaign to fix the economy.

Golden Helmet for Best Hair: Joe Biden Radovan Karadzic

@Prommie: *sniff*

@Prommie:
Maybe they shared? Double-teamed, sometimes?

EEEEEWWWWWWW!!!!!!11!!!

Brain bleach, stat!

My eyes! My brain!

SanFranLefty: Like I say, the Cheerleader takes down the Golden Anal Pair. But I like your other suggestions too:

Gah! Too many to chose from. Can I haz ties? My nominees: Joe Lie, Joe the Plumber, Bill O’Reilly, Bill Kristol, the asshat Congressman from Georgia who called Unicorn “uppity,” Sarah Palin

But also: I see your asshat Congressman from Georgia and I raise you… Michelle Bachmann, who actually went there in re un-U.S. American activities. Still, though, we are looking for the top of the top. Tailbunny wins, imho.

SanFranLefty: You started it!

[German: “We did not start it!” B. Fawlty: “Yes you did — you invaded Poland!”]

[ADD: I would suggest an additional award — the Basil Fawlty Memorial Prize for Complete Obliviousness. But it would just be a logjam with all of the finanical talking heads. Sorry I even brought it up.]

Can we add another award for Least Subtle Personal Makeover for a Politician?

Nominees could include:
Talibunny and the tattooed eyeliner/shopping spree
Joe Biden and the shiny white veneers and plugz
Charlie Crist and his beard
Bill Richardson and his beard
Nancy Pelosi and her 5th facelift

@Prommie: I gave the new Clash book to my bro and Mrs RML may get one as well.

@redmanlaw: Have you seen the Joe Strummer documentary? I nominate him for Saint, we just need some proof of a miracle indicating he has interceeded with the FSM.

Crystal Douchebag for Lifetime Achievement:
Dick Cheney, for forty-plus years of public non-service, including the five draft deferments that began it all (and, I hereby move that any nominations for Bush be conferred upon Cheney, since we all know he’s been pulling the strings for the last eight years)

Golden Anal Pear for Asshole of the Year:
Hillary Clinton, for just being herself (to be shared with Bill, as appropriate)

Platinum Pampers for Best Sex Scandal:
Tim Mahoney, for a toxic mix of mistresses and hush money, all while serving in Mark Foley’s former seat and calling himself a “fundamental Christian” (btw, love the award name, nojo!)

Diamond Freezer for Best Scandal Not Involving Reproductive Organs:
Rod Blagojevich, for just being himself (to be shared with Patricia, as appropriate)

Palladium Pinnochio for Best Human Prop in a Supporting Role:
Trig Palin, for this if nothing else

Mylar Gasbag for Best Wind Broken by a Pundit:
Bill Kristol, for outcheerleading even the best of them when it came to Sarah Palin, and doing it while on the New York Times payroll

Silver Tongue for Excellence in Pandering:
Tie: Mitt Romney/John McCain (both offer too many reasons to list, though Mittens’ foppish attempt at endearing himself with hunters is particularly noteworthy)

Silver Sausage for Legislative Accomplishment:

/snark off

Ted Kennedy, for dropping into the Senate in the midst of cancer treatment to break the filibuster on the bill to overturn cuts in Medicare reimbursements (he flipped nine Republican Senators on an entitlements vote!)

/snark on

Le Prix Trudeau for Best Un-American Politician:
Nicolas Sarkozy, for wigging out on U.S. photographers, appearing in public drunk on numerous occasions, and marrying the crazy hot Carla Bruni (emphasis on crazy)

Golden Helmet for Best Hair:
Howard Fineman, for always keeping me on the edge of my seat as to what color(s) it will be this time around (though if we are to bestow this one sincerely, I second chicago bureau’s nomination)

[VO: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Chicago Bureau.]

[Light music swell. Applause. Lights dim.]

Good evening. While this year has seen craptastic achievements, we have also felt the loss of so many people whose douchebaggery thrilled, and annoyed, us. With gratitude, we remember them now, and hope that their example will guide jerks and bastards, in the years to come.

[On screen: IN MEMORIAM; fades to black. Switch to “I Will Remember You” (S. McLachlan) playing softly in background. Still photos roll.]

Charlton Heston [“cold dead hands” pose at NRA convo].

Jorg Haider [in leiderhosen].

Evan Mecham [looking down on protesters in Phoenix].

Deborah Jean Palfrey [with black book, turned to “V” section].

Paul Weyrich [editing bulk mailing at computer].

John Stroger [with son / Cook County President heir apparent, Todd].

Bobby Fischer [with crazy beard].

William F. Buckley [at desk].

Tony Snow [on Fox News].

Jesse Helms [gladhanding in crowd].

[Black screen as music ends.]

@chicago bureau: The Governing Council of the Stinque Academy of Infamy would like to remind the Elector that the hair award is the Golden Helmet, and that nominees should compel one to throw a shoe. Nominating someone you like would cause the opening of a black hole that would doom us all.

@SanFranLefty: Additional awards can be suggested, but only the Ten will be featured during our gala broadcast sponsored by De Beers. Technical awards will be bestowed at a special luncheon held at Taco Bell and hosted by a Reality TV Celebrity.

@chicago bureau: Who got the most applause? That’s always the best part of the Death Montage.

@chicago bureau: Deborah Jean Palfrey? I suppose your list needed a token woman, but what did she do to deserve mention?

@chicago bureau: Don’t mention the war!
Here goes:
* Crystal Douchebag for Lifetime Achievement:
Dick Cheney. No contest, really.

* Golden Anal Pear for Asshole of the Year
Sarah Palin for her Nuremberg rallies, among other offenses.

* Platinum Pampers for Best Sex Scandal
Spitzer.

* Diamond Freezer for Best Scandal Not Involving Reproductive Organs
Blago.

* Palladium Pinnochio for Best Human Prop in a Supporting Role
I’m going with dark horse Silda Spitzer because she was the first person I thought of when I read that.

* Mylar Gasbag for Best Wind Broken by a Pundit
TIE: Bill Kristol and Dick Morris

* Silver Tongue for Excellence in Pandering
McCain

* Silver Sausage for Legislative Accomplishment
Henry Paulson for getting Congress to give him $700b, no strings attached.

* Le Prix Trudeau for Best Un-American Politician
Gotta go with Harper. Suspending Parliament put him over the top.

* Golden Helmet for Best Hair
Johnny Earl “Miiilll” Edwards, and I mean that sincerely.

@Prommie: Yes, where is Spackle Camshaft? I’ve had a birth announcement ready to post since Saturday.

@chicago bureau: dominatrix who died or something said he paid for a three-way with her and another guy.

nojo: The last guy in the sequence always gets the big applause. Thus: Jesse.

mellbell: Yeah, I debated that one. A bit of a stretch. Still: perp walk plus really flimsy denial in court (“sexual fantasy services” is kinda sorta prostitution, you know), directly related to sex involving diapers? That, I figured, is enough to merit mention.

@Prommie: Which one? I mix up “The Future is Unwritten” with “Let’s Rock Again!” but both are something awesome. See Joe start out as a busker. See Joe rule the world. See Joe end life as a busker who rules the world.

FlyingChainSaw: Liar! Dubya would never do something like that. And you know it. You know that marriage is a sacred bond between etc. etc.

@chicago bureau: Yes, I know, a sacred bond between a First Lady and her 122 piece marching band.

FlyingChainSaw: I don’t want to know what the sousaphone section does. Please, please — don’t tell me.

@chicago bureau: I blame the showboating lawyer. She seemed more unhinged than she probably was because he couldn’t make up his mind what the strategy was. “Stonewall, make them cut a deal! No, sell the phone records to the highest bidder! No, give them away to the investigative reporter with the prop phone!”

TJ: Arab royalty and leaders shower bling on Condi – like $300 K in bling.

Hey, I’m getting really really serious about my nod for Karadzic. I mean, even if you don’t give him the Golden Helmet, there’s his surefire bid for Le Prix Trudeau due to a fantastic tranformation from genocidal leader to homeopathic doctor/marriage counsellor to newest resident at the Hague!

@chicago bureau: The sousaphones don’t do anything the trombones haven’t tried first.

nabisco: Well, yeah. But mob bosses can hide in plain sight for years. That’s no trick.

I nominated Hu Jintao, but I’m thinking Mugabe might win it in a runaway. If you have to print new, higher-denomination banknotes every three days to keep up with inflation while blaming a cholera outbreak on the British — that’s a really high bar.

I just want to say how very disappointed I am that Johnny Earl has cropped up on so many lists here. After he has given so much of himself.

I seem to remember rumors about Preznit Bunnypants and a guy at Yale. Isn’t that Arthur Ashe? I’m prepared to believe anything about PB just as I’m prepared to believe anything about Nixon. eg. He’d go over to Bebe Rebozzo’s, get all liquored up and get in the pool with him and do naughty naughty things. Rebozzo’s ex-butler told the tale to a friend of mine.

Wait. Joe Biden has got plugs???? I’m shocked. But at least his teeth are real. Wait. Really????

@nojo: Sousaphones are those little tinkley xylophones that clip on your shoulder aren’t they?

@chicago bureau: I think Mugabe can sweep several categories. Maybe there should be a category for self-genocide, kind of like an “own goal” with the life of your citizens at stake. That jerk in South Africa who refused to distribute AIDS medicines would also be a good candidate.

@Prommie: I’m going to go chug a gallon of Drano to get that out of my head now.

DEVELOPING HARD AND THROBBING:

Bow chicka bow bow.

Query to teh gheyz – I know we’re all pissed at the Unicorn right now, but do y’all think he waxes his chest? He’s amazingly hairless.

@nojo: the brass is getting rather rusty.

*Mylar Gasbag
Joe the Plumber in the Pro/Am division.

@Benedick: I once dragged a plastic sousaphone across an Astroturf field. By the time I reached the other side, there was a hole in it.

DEVELOPING HARD: Michael Jackson, according to MSNBC, is on death’s door. Needs a lung transplant, badly; has gone blind in one eye. Cable nets on 24/7 saturation alert.

@SanFranLefty: Skinny. I could box this guy out so he’d never get a rebound.

@chicago bureau: They play the sousaphone parts.

@Dodgerblue:
Yeah, but if he’s skinny it means he has sharp elbows, and I am sure that he is quick and a master of head-fakes. But you should challenge him to some one-on-one next time he’s in El Ay…fundraiser for the tree huggers?

@Dodgerblue: Lung? What’s the diagnosis? Burnt out from the fumes from the glue the plastic surgeons have to use to hold together his face?

@FlyingChainSaw: Huffing little boys’ underpants.

@Dodgerblue / FlyingChainSaw: There’s been a reverse here. Discussion in re Obama being Obamatastic merged into the Gloved One’s story.

As to which: given the number of nosejobs, it’s a wonder that Mike can still breathe.

@Benedick: Victor Ashe. Please do not malign the late, lamented tennis legend, Arthur. I know, I know, you don’t do sports.

@Mistress Cynica: Thank you, thank you… I thought there was something strange about it. And not just the love-light in PB’s eyes.

Arthur Ashe was tennis… right. That’s with the net and they run around sweating and shouting love-all! right. Wimbledon! right.

@Benedick: Arthur Ashe, a helluva tennis player, died from HIV/AIDS in 1993, as some of us may recall. Blood transfusions during his heart surgeries.

@Mistress Cynica:
Thank you for the clarification. I was so confused.

@chicago bureau: Ugh. Not a good situation. However, we will be hearing from The Dandy Warhols on this one if the worst happens, as they promised in Welcome To The Monkey House.

Reading Mellbell’s non-rant about Ted Kennedy, I am wondering if we can have a category for someone we do like. Perhaps the Rachel Maddow Award For Sanity. Interestingly enough, I would like to nominate Rachel Maddow.

@homofascist: Wimps, all of you…

But we’ve opened up the Technical Awards just to have some place to placate whiners, equivalent to staging the Free Speech Zone a mile from the convention. If we really must say something nice about somebody, that’s where we’ll say it.

what?!?! no mention of the guy who suckerpunched richard fuld (ceo of lehman’s) out cold while he was on the treadmill???

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/financetopics/financialcrisis/3150319/Richard-Fuld-punched-in-face-in-Lehman-Brothers-gym.html

best pissed off american over the financial clusterfuck??

@baked:
The awards are for villains.

He is a Hero of the Year.

@ManchuCandidate:
yes, that was confusing.
surely there should be an award for fuld. biggest entitled asshole of the year. while his company was collapsing, he banked 300 mil for himself.
the economy is the biggest problem we have right now, the domino effect staggering. how can we ignore an award for wall street evildoers?

and of course the guy that knocked him out is a true hero.
i enjoyed that story for weeks. it’s such a feel good read.

Since the award is sponsored by a Box Wine company, I believe it is a moral imperative that the base of that award should have a box of wine built in it, complete with spigot coming out the front.

Flavor of wine should be something appropriately hooch-ish.

@skyeking: The Award Designers may have to take you up on that. Winners can fill each other’s shoes with the Nectar of Infamy.