Pud Pulling for Jesus?

The Chief Financial Officer of a Jesus-crazed Ohio university was arrested on Saturday for jumping into a car and grabbing a cop by the gonads in an apparent attempt to give him a hand job in the middle of a city park, the stupid fuck, police allege.

The fuckwit in question, Cincinnati Christian University CFO Robert Williams, 52, of Independence, was arrested at 9:23 a.m., accused of getting into a undercover cop’s car and mauling the constable’s genitals.

WLWT.com reported that University president David Faust said, “This is a personal tragedy for him and for his family, and we lift him up in our prayers,” Faust said, as if that would stop Williams from lifting up his dick to show strange guys in city parks.

Hilariously, the students, typical insane Jesus fucktards, thought it was all about Satan fucking with their heads. “I view it either one of two ways,” said student Daniel Read. “Either we’re doing something wrong, or as a Christian university we’re doing something right and the devil’s attacking us.”

WCPO.com report that Williams entered a written plea of not guilty on Monday. If the Jesus-crazed man-stalker is found guilty, the TV station reported, he could face up to two months in jail, with thousands of guys who might want a hand job. That’s why it’s called Justice.

32 Comments

Handjobs in a car in the park. Reminds me of high school…

@Dodgerblue: Who isn’t a morning man? I thought all guys were.

Frankly, isn’t he kind of in good company? If memory serves, it was according to Michelle Ohhhhbama back in her good old feisty uncensored days that the Unicorn was a man known to wake up with the amorous morning wood (horn?) .

“Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.”

Too late for Blowvember, way too late for Cocktober, but still somehow … satisfying. Wingnuts after teh gay always satisfying.

@blogenfreude: Ah, it’s OK. Would have been better if he were a Republican elected official caught blowing a goat in a kids’ petting zoo. Cops forgot to send someone to the zoo, I guess.

@FlyingChainSaw: We need something Vitteresque before the end of the year. My ear is to the ground.

@blogenfreude: Dick-cember, baby, Dick-cember.

Way to set me up twice in one day.

xoxo

@blogenfreude: Yeah, I know. It’s a shame the real monsters are so careful and so well funded and connected. You know Newt is fucking dead fire victims at the city morgue in Atlanta or something. I keep praying that Tom Delay narrowly survives a gun fight with a guy whose dog gave him AIDS or something. God hates me when I seek justice.

Wait, are those quotes real? ‘Cause this is most definitely NOT a tragedy. A tragedy is a car accident. A tragedy is when a mugger shot my best friend and killed him. A tragedy is a fucking TORNADO. Katrina was a fucking tragedy in three acts with not even so much as an intermission. Giving a hand job to a cop at 9.30 in the morning is many, many things, but a tragedy is most definitely IS NOT.

@RomeGirl: It’s actually more of a patriotic service. Indeed, America’s finest should be given handjobs everyday at 9:30 in the morning.

@rptrcub:’ Reet! Sounds like a plan. You won’t see me during the beta phase, but if someone will nudge me when it’s “up”and running, I’ll be there with balls on!

@rptrcub:’ Reet! Sounds like a plan. You won’t see me during the beta phase, but if someone will nudge me when it’s “up”and running, I’ll be there with balls on!

Wait a sec! Hang on! You realize the 10:00 AM coffee break ‘s kaput. Productivity, you see. Output is key.

As before. Hilarious desperate hypocrisy exposed. But. Entrapment very very bad. Also: imagine the desperation of his life. I can only hope that when this kind of public shaming happens that it brings with it a relief from the strain of having to hide. But wouldn’t you think the fundies might wonder that if a man like this, who’s presumably spent his life battling teh dreaded gay, is still feeling up cops – wouldn’t you think that perhaps you can’t pray it away?

Sidebar/ The cop in question: any pics? With his shirt off praps?

@rptrcub: Maybe the finest of the finest. Most Chicago cops are not fantasy-worthy. Otherwise in concept I am totally on board…

@EffeteHipster: Welcome EffeteHipster! You seem fun.

@RomeGirl: Well, its only a tragedy if your gonna fire the guy, but the argument could be made that the tragedy isn’t so much that the dude wanted to jack a guy off, the tragedy is that dudes who just want to jack a guy off in peace are stalked and hunted by the police and treated as criminals and sickos.

“I’ve sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber, Danny. I didn’t want to do it, I felt I owed it to them.”

“Either we’re doing something wrong, or as a Christian university we’re doing something right and the devil’s attacking us.”

For some reason, I suspect that most of those connected to Jeebus U will pick the latter.

@ManchuCandidate: I guess logic is not a major course in the curriculum.

@redmanlaw: *Applause*

Also, “mauling the constable’s genitals.”
Ouch!

Trying to Sleaze Out of Shit Dept:

“The politically connected lawyer who allegedly struck and killed a San Felipe Pueblo man last week told police he thought someone had thrown a rock at his car when he hit the man, according to court documents. ”

Oh, and the city cops let Bill Richardson’s security guy go although he had blood on his clothing when they caught the driver.

Full story: “Driver says he thought rock hit car in fatal hit-and-runs”, sfnewmexican.com – the link is busted.

@redmanlaw: And what’s his excuse for leaving the scene of an accident, that he was trying to escape a squeegee man? Bullshit.

@redmanlaw:
You’ve got to be pretty fucking wasted to think that a 200 pound man is a rock.

Was the state trooper passenger drunk too or they didn’t even test him?

Is the defense strategy really this moronic or is this a brilliant legal strategy to so alienate and taint the jury pool that the trial will have to be moved elsewhere in the state? Really, I don’t understand trying to argue that with a straight face.

Linky seems to work now.

@mellbell: I was actually thinking of the “aggressive panhandler” defense. That corner where my cousin died has been the site of a daylight car jacking and an armed robbery of a motorist since late this summer, yet it’s close to the new REI, galleries, several restaurants, a Borders and the the highly touted Railyard redevelopment. Armed robbers are known to work the area, and a skater got stomped by some gangstas last summer. Their hatred for skaters is my son’s primary motivation in applying to Catholic school for 7th grade next year. Son of RML is not permitted to skate Downtown.

/police blotter reader who hates going out after dark

On the other hand, they were shooting the new Georgia O’Keefe TV movie at the end of the block from my office this week. I’ll try to remember to bring the camera this week.

@ Lefty – Driver’s statements were not the defense strategy but the lying asshole’s initial comments to the cops. The actual defense strategy will be to rely upon sloppy police work, extensive suppression of evidence and what I forsee as the difficulty of placing the Defendant behind the wheel at the time my cousin was hit. I forsee a SOD (some other dude) defense, i.e., I was drunk and SOD offered to drive and he hit that guy, etc. There are reports that there were at least one of two more additional persons in the vehicle before the cops caught them.

Also, I expect that the defense will seek a change of venue due to the extensive pre-trial publicityand the tainted jury pool as documented in the anti-Defendant comments in the local paper and get it moved to (a) an anti-Indian part of the state, although they would convict a Hispanic defendant with a Richardson connection in a minute, or (b) an almost 100 percent Hispanic part of the state where political connections are respected and Indians not so much.

@redmanlaw: So sorry you and your family have to deal with this shit. Since awesome, awesome FBI agents posing as poker players and drug dealers seem to have corrupt Chicago cops (there’s another kind?) well in hand for the moment, per your link, why don’t we loan you Patrick Fitzgerald for this case, so you and your family could have a happy Fitzmas?

@flippin eck: Thanks, flip. I’m still somewhat stressed out and depressed but certainly not nearly as bad as the rest of the family. Thank you all for bearing with me.

As for the offer to detail Mr Patrick out here, I think Robert Patrick from Terminator 2 could take care of some shit.

@redmanlaw: With the timeline and the number of witnesses, I don’t know if a SOD defense would work. Change of venue would be the first motion I’d file if I were defending the guy.
It will also be interesting to see what the plea offers are, if any.

@SanFranLefty: I’m sure they’re looking at (a) lesser charge and (b) a lot less jail time than that poor bastard who got 12 years in a DWI/vehicular homicide here last summer. Manslaughter and vehicular homicide will pretty much net someone at least two years in a medium security facility in New Mexico, which will just fuck up the Defendant’s career. He’s an arrogant bastard who was telling people in jail before his first appearance that he was going to get off, so it’ll be an interesting process to observe, as you say.

I quit my prosecutor’s job before I did any homicides to go into environmental law, but I’m having coffee this week with a lawyer friend who has worked both sides of the felony street.

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