Joe the Candidate
I’m beginning to think that the most dynamic, persuasive ticket for the 2012 election is going to be a Sarah Palin/ Joe the Plumber partnership. Sam Joe Wurzelbacher the Plumber has all of the electioneering skills of Sarah Palin, beginning with the basics:
Wurzelbacher was doing everything you do on the campaign trail. You know, shaking hands, talking to people, kissing babies, taking pictures. . .
Three of those four things make him more competent than the average voter. Add this to his $250,000 earnings, and that would make him an elitist. However, this shouldn’t hurt him too much, since Joe’s elitism is white elitism, and the bitters typically only fear black people who are better than them (which is why Gary Coleman failed to win the governorship in California).
Anyway, Joe Plumber was on the campaign trail with Sarah Palin in Ohio today. And he showed us he has what it takes to be VP:
There would be no speech from Joe the Plumber. . . . He stood at Ms. Palin’s side, hands clasped in front of him, as she delivered her second speech of the day.
He’s already better than Palin was when she started! He knows that opening your mouth when the press is around can only hurt the ticket! Let the experts do the talking. Experts like Sarah Palin, who, in the next four years, will be sure to memorize all of the countries you can see from houses in America, what the president does, and the difference between a baby name and a common household item.
Then, all Joe the Plumber needs are $150,000 worth of saggy-bottomed pants and tool belts, and a few more casual, specious, fear-mongering claims about his opponent, like this one:
a vote for Barack Obama means death to Israel.
Joe the Plumber is now Joe the foreign policy advisor? [Christian Science Monitor]
Joe the Plumber Stumps with Palin [New York Times]
Was he in Florida? Thats the Special Republican Message To The Jews of Florida, McCain and Palin just randomly start inserting it into their sentences whenever someone tells them they are in Florida, the old “I am soooo the best friend of Israel, I will give Israel back rubs and a discrete handjob now and then when elected, but that crazy muslim coon, oh woe betide Israel if he is elected, you know how those muslim schwartzes are, he’ll sell Irael out to hius muslim brothers.” They think this magical incantation will ensure them Florida’s electoral votes, that and then going to Miami and restating their perpetual hatred of Fidel and support for the endless embargo.
Pending the requisite name change to “J.T. Plumber,” of course. No one ever made it to the White House with “the” for a middle name.
p.s. That clipart is utterly terrifying. Kind of like the idea of this jackanape ever running for high office.
Shit I was working this up from another angle. I’ll refocus. If McCain allowed this, he deserves anything he gets. First, there is the ‘Is Palin Nailin’ Joe the Plumber?’ angle. Then there is the potential for him to get shitfaced while he is on the Palin campaign and start being quoted as an ‘Official McCain Spokesplumber’ while shouting racial epithets and affirmations that the assembled reporters should gobble his schlong.
@mellbell: “Jackanape”! I heart you…
@FlyingChainSaw: With apologies to RML, she’s totally off the rez now and you’re right, Geezer deserves everything that’s coming to him.
@mellbell: I love the graphic, and it’s nice to see Marcel back from his secret gig as Daniel Craig stand-in.
If there was ever an indication that our civilization is in rapid decline, this is it.
Wonder if they’ll take him to Bergdorf’s for some new clothes …
@FlyingChainSaw: Layin pipe. Just sayin.
@nabisco: Anyone else see Sherman Alexie on Colbert last night?
“What an angry, angry young man.” Krusty the Clown on Sideshow Raheem.
@mellbell: Like Nabisco, I loved your describing JTP as a “jackanape.” Please, everybody, be gentle with me for pointing out that it’s “jackanapes.” I just checked with two different dictionaries, pretty interesting why it ends with an “s.” Each dictionary gave a different account of how a derisive term, “Jack Napis,” came to be used to describe someone insufferable.
@nojo: How dare you frighten me further with talk of MP having a secret gig as Daniel Craig stand-in? First, I was shocked that LLD’s real identity would be revealed on line, then other people, including LLD, weighed in with other purported real identities for LLD. Now this! Shouldn’t we all have an implicit (or complicit) pact to zealously protect the identities of anyone who does not use his or her real name as user name? [I’m joking, mostly, well, sort of.] So as to guard against prying, goggling Googlers.
@blogenfreude: This leads us back to an update on the Ark… which we may need to redesignate now as the SSS Molly Ivins instead of CPSS.
@lynnlightfoot: Everyone knows LLD is the Green Lantern. Still, with Hal Jordan setting the benchmark, it will be a tough gig. Our best to LLD/GL in his current struggles with the Sinestro Corps.
@redmanlaw: I’m on the one day tape delay. Last night we watched the sublime performance of Yo Yo Ma and friends and what sounded like a fierce Appalachian hollerstomp.
I’ve now had breakfast, elevenses, lunch, and tea. Thank God I work or I would start the wine at lunch and the Whisky at 4. I am gonna start smoking cigarettes again if this doesn’t end soon. I just hope I don’t start with the compulsive masturbation again, thats embarrassing.
I can’t take it much longer.
20 year old kids have pictures of themselves pantsless with their legs in the air on their FaceSpace pages, so I’d say revealing our identities is probs pretty low in regards to shock value.
That said, I still think we should have some kind of alert system in place should one of us be “disappeared” by the Real Pro-Americans. Like an out-of-office e-mail or some such. Anyone seen RagingMonk? I miss him.
@redmanlaw: I’ve heard of Alexie for years (lit acquaintance is a fan), but last night’s show was my first exposure to the Paul Lynde of the Skins. You could see Colbert brighten up as Alexie kept raising the bid on Worst Injun Stereotype You Can Say on TV.
I just read Alexie’s The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian last week. He has a very quirky sense of humor, but there’s this one part of the book that had me sobbing like a little boy. Alexie: 1.
P.S. I’m also reading It Can’t Happen Here so I can be ready just in case we get a McPain/Failin admin.
“When two men are fighting and the wife of one intervenes to save her husband from the blows of his opponent, if she stretches out her hand and seizes the latter by his private parts,
you shall chop off her hand without pity.
Paul Lynde? I nominate Mo Rocca as the new Paul Lynde.
For SFL (and any others among you who count yourself so lucky as to have ever called our nation’s capital home): Predictable, but fabulous.
@Original Andrew: The Handmaid’s Tale is also a good one. I loves me some Margaret Atwood.
@nojo: My favorite part was “thanks for the smallpox” and “we want the blankets back – dry cleaned” exchange. Otherwise, I’m not a fan of Alexie’s.
@redmanlaw: Yes! He rendered Stephen speechless. It was awesome.
MANCHUCANDIDATE • Quentin Tarantino presents Action Joe and Mister Z @SanFranLefty: Wiped out
SANFRANLEFTY • Quentin Tarantino presents Action Joe and Mister Z @ManchuCandidate: Bitch, March Madness is ON! xoxo
MELLBELL • Quentin Tarantino presents Action Joe and Mister Z @nojo: I mooch Disney+ from my sister and HBO Max from my ex. Still need a Hulu hookup though!
MELLBELL • Quentin Tarantino presents Action Joe and Mister Z @ManchuCandidate: As a veteran of last year's tournament, you were re-invited with one click, so…
MELLBELL • Quentin Tarantino presents Action Joe and Mister Z @nojo: I'm just late, as ever. The play-in games started Tuesday, but we've got until tomorrow.…
NOJO • Software Update of the Year @bruce.desertrat: I have failed to get any work done since that dropped.
BRUCE.DESERTRAT • Software Update of the Year Disturbing my cow-orkers laughing at this....
NOJO • Quentin Tarantino presents Action Joe and Mister Z @¡Andrew!: I tried RRR a few times at Benedick’s insistence, just couldn’t last. And now…
¡ANDREW! • Quentin Tarantino presents Action Joe and Mister Z @nojo: I watched the clips on YouTube. Lady Gaga’s performance was extraordinarily honest and…
NOJO • Quentin Tarantino presents Action Joe and Mister Z @ManchuCandidate: Oh gee, that starts tomorrow? Haven’t heard from Mellbell, so guess not.