Sorry About Those Third Degree Burns!
So, in case the Earth split open and belched out some sulfurous hellfire around where you live this weekend, or if you were caught wrestling with some fire-breathing wolf demon summoned from the 7th circle around, oh, say 11:15 am CST on Saturday, that would be my fault. Oopsie!!! You see my father was married around that time, in a god damned CATHOLIC church, and your very own homofascist read scripture. Out loud. To churchy people. It was, needless to say, my first time which is a line I am not able to use often. Besides getting my ass kicked at work, I have spent the last three weeks trying to pronounce the word ‘Colossians’ correctly on the first try. You have no idea.
Not as lucky was my brother, who was stuck leading the ‘Lord hear our prayer’ portion of the service. The priest (who at no time tried to suck my cock, although I am into that kind of thing and I don’t really think they like it when the other party is willing) snuck in the part about praying for the president, and the government, and the motherfucking ECONOMY even though it was supposed to be cut at the request of the groom (thanks Dad!). This prompted me to turn around and give Mr. HF, who was sitting behind my very conservative extended family, the eye roll of all eye rolls. Let’s just say that it is a good thing HF was not given that part to read, or the assembled mass would have also been praying for the thousands of innocent Iraqis slaughtered by our blood thirsty leaders. Damn, I wish my brother could improvise faster.
My uncle did approach me at the luncheon afterwards to tell me that the Christian thing to do is to pray for your enemies, to which I say bullshit. We eventually agreed* that my praying for the war crimes trial was going to be about as close to Christian compassion as I get.
So whatever y’all did to stem the tide of molten lava intended to take us all towards eternal damnation, I must say thanks (although has anyone heard from Florida recently?) I will try to warn you next time.
*may not have happened.