So we’ve been studying this survey of casual sex, which claims that women have yet to take the Walk of Shame as gingerly as men, and wondering whether in “evolutionary terms” it’s a bit soon to declare that chicks haven’t “adapted” to the Sexual Revolution — our limited understanding of Darwinism suggests that the jury will be out for a hundred thousand years or so.

And we’ve been wondering what clever things we can say about it, given that we could say a great deal, but prefer to boil down the weekly Porn Post to its essential nugget of naughtiness.

And, well, we’ve failed.

So… Ladies and Gentlemen: Verne Troyer.

More grim global-warming news: longer, hotter summers have forced New England fauna to conduct their mating rituals out in the open, abandoning the natural camouflage of local nightclubs.

Confirmed sightings of Sandpiperus cavortus at Cape Cod National Seashore reached a peak of 132 last year, compared to only 40 annual displays of Boffus assus prior to 2003.

Field reports include the following:

• A New Jersey family walking with children in the dunes wrote in a September 2007 letter that they encountered “several couples and then a large group of men having group sex in the nude, including oral and anal sex right out in the open,” the park service said.
• A whale-watch boat captain carrying a boatload of tourists also reported seeing 20 to 30 nude men “playing around” near Wood End Lighthouse, another letter from August 2007 reported.

The Stinque Nature Bureau would like to remind members that should you encounter these Beasts of the Beach, please do not disturb their activity, and make sure your cameras are fully charged.

Park Rangers Report Spike In Beach Sex Problem [WCVB]

We don’t know whether they have rubbers in Heaven (can we segue or what?), but they’re required in equally inaccessible places on Earth. This week’s merry ribaldry comes from our penguin-poking pals at McMurdo Station, Antarctica, which has taken delivery on 16,488 condoms, or what they’re calling “a year’s supply”. We ran that through the CP Supercomputer between porn downloads, and it works out to a healthy 45 fpn (fucks per night) pace. We look forward to the new documentary series “Polecat Penthouse”, debuting next year on Animal Planet.

16,488 condoms ordered for Antarctic base [stuff.co.nz]

Bonus Rubber Blowout!

Somebody’s selling condoms with the faces of Unicorn and Psychogeezer on the packages. Each package features a moderately clever slogan, but it’s early, and we figure you can do better.

Condoms named after Obama and McCain selling fast [Reuters]

It’s been a rough week for geeks, and while trolling the intertubes for some whacking material light entertainment, we stumbled across this heartwarming story about a man, a vision, a few billion dollars, and an underground sex cave:

What is a man to do with $2.3 billion?

If you are Henry T. Nicholas III, one of the original dot-com billionaires – whose fortune survived the crash of 2000 – the answer is simple: build a “sex cave” under your house, maintain a fully stocked warehouse of drugs, get high on your two private jets, keep a brothel’s worth of prostitutes on the payroll and, during the boring moments, spike your colleagues’ drinks with Ecstasy.

Or you could wear a sissy outfit and fight crime. But somehow that doesn’t seem as appealing as it used to be.

Billionaire Henry T. Nicholas III built ‘sex cave under mansion’ [Times UK]

After noticing some Unlicensed Rutting going on in one of our more chaste threads, we’re hastily compelled to introduce a new feature. In this inaugural edition, and in homage to one of the more notable scenes from Classic SATC, a story from those stuffy Brits that will unstuff your plumbing.

Will tantric sex help my love life? [Times Online]