Seven Experiments With Cats

Experiment #1

Methodology: Open the front door.

Result: Cat does not go out. Nor does cat stay in.

Conclusion: Cats are incapable of making up their own damn minds.

Experiment #2

Methodology: Scratch belly while cat in supine position.

Result: Blood.

Conclusion: Human hand bears resemblance to small mammal whose entrails must be disgorged.

Experiment #3

Methodology: Allow cat to rub chin with face.

Result: Puncture.

Conclusion: Humans are suckers who fall for it every time.

Experiment #4

Methodology: Locate cat for veterinarian appointment.

Result: Disappearance.

Conclusion: Cats live in multiple dimensions, selecting the one most amenable in a given moment.

Experiment #5

Methodology: Purchase expensive cat toy.

Result: Cat prefers paper bag it came in.

Conclusion: Don’t purchase expensive cat toys.

Experiment #6

Methodology: Investigate state of food dish at cat’s insistence.

Result: Full.

Conclusion: It is not the existence of food that is determinative, but the effort expended in refreshing it.

Experiment #7

Methodology: Open can of tuna fish.

Result: Mayhem.

Conclusion: People with sad-eyed dogs at the dinner table don’t know how good they have it.

Cats Might Not Act Like It, But They Know Their Names As Well As Dogs, Study Says [NPR]

The Persistence Of Cat’s Memory [FatCatArt]