Why I Am Not Running for President
- Don Rickles unavailable to ghostwrite insults.
- Wife refuses to rehearse Adoring Gaze for when I’m caught with exotic Eastern European hooker.
- Satanic coven won’t release me from Vows.
- Superdelegates say they’re preoccupied fighting Batman when asked for support.
- Buzzfeed will uncover my Seventies cable-access disco show.
- All the good Ben & Jerry’s flavors are taken.
- Not prepared to deal with Chris Matthews tweetysplaining how Tip O’Neill worked with Ronald Reagan.
- Political advisers warn that voters can handle only one asshole Mike Lee at a time.
- America would never elect a fiftysomething white male.
- Nobody asked.
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