Don’t Forget the Mango-Flavored Condom

That may be the single most enthusiastic man in the world. Italia!

It’s like King Lear. With Mentos. And plus Nutella. I am cathartized.

When the commercial ended, I didn’t know which product it was for. As a marketing major, I can tell you that’s a bad thing.

I’m all for securing condoms with tape. Lots and lots of tape.

Paging RML: Hey – what duct tape would you recommend for this occasion?

@JNOV: I’m guessing camo.

Well, it’s either this or fascism.

Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen play tourist in NYC.

Jesus, I love these two. The only way to make my head explode more would be if George Takei came along.

@Benedick: No, dear. You always wrap a condom with Hello Kitty duct tape. Even if there’s no kitty involved.

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: Somebody should do a brand parody called “Hello Pussy”.

@Tommmcatt Au Gros Sel: Rule 34 suggests that’s already been done.

@nojo: Just the same I’m not going to google it.

@Benedick: And my poor jar is spent ! No, no, no spread!
Why should a can, a box, a tube have life,
And thou no goo at all? Thou’lt come no more,
Never, never, never, never, never…

@Tommmcatt Au Gros Sel: Exit, pursued by a beer.

@Tommmcatt Au Gros Sel: /golf clap/

@JNOV: The Tree Ladies are in the Wimminz’ Final Four! Woot!

Dear Geeks,

I am ready to ditch my MacBook (circa 2008 – the plain white one that cost like $2K+) and buy a PC. Here’s the rub. I still want all my ish to sync, especially contacts. I use Gmail calendar because it’s the only thing that will sync my phone with my computer because I can’t upgrade past Snow Leopard. And I want all of my other ish to migrate to my new computer. Plus, my mac is dying. And I’m hating on Apple.

If I buy the budget macbook air, what happens to my ancient yet serviceable Excel and Word?

Thank you in advance,

Beth :-(

@SanFranLefty: YUP!

@JNOV: I don’t know what will happen to Excel. Word will run (but you can use Pages so why would you?) What I do know is that you will feel good about yourself and your friends will think you’re cool. That, I think, is enough.

(This might be wading too far into the deep geek waters but Apple support communities can most likely answer your questions. You use what’s called a ‘web browser’ to find them. Then you click on things and you’ll find the most divine people ready to answer questions. Hope that’s not too technical.)

@Tommmcatt Au Gros Sel: I know of a director who staged Lear’s final entrance carrying the dead Cordelia in his arms to have him DRAGGING HER BEHIND HIM BY HER HAIR!!!!!

He also had Lear stab the Fool because he laments And my poor fool is dead. He also had the Fool played by a girl. But I’m not going there.

Also the set was several tons of dirt. It was recycled for Topsoil! The Musical! All of this happened in Cincinnati. The only upside is that no cats were harmed.

@Benedick: ty. I’ll try to forget the caterwauling when Pages ate your homework.

@JNOV: I did lose some stuff because old Pages conflicts, at least on my machine, with new Pages. But I’m now working on a long document in new Pages (5.2) that has been completely stable and dependable. In fact I find it very fast, sleek, and very easy to get around in. There are still capabilities that have been dropped that I miss but I find that if I work with what it can do it does that very well indeed. I think one of the new features is a greatly improved in-ter-face (that’s a geek term that means ‘pretty’) with Word. In fact you have the choice to save a document as a Word doc.

@JNOV: Regarding ancient software, no telling whether it survives the quantum leap to Dog Beach. Apple has a way of breaking apps with system upgrades.

Two options:

1. Office 2011. That still works.

2. iWork (Pages, etc.) is now free with new Macs, and it opens Office equivalents.

@JNOV: I would help you if I could but I can’t seem to get the hang of the iPhone my employer gave me on Tuesday. I should’ve asked for the Samsung since I already know how to work an Android. I know Apple is user-friendly and whatnot, but I just have no desire to undertake any kind of learning curve right now.

Good luck to you, dear JNOV.

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: @TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: Just think cool thoughts.

(Note to self: I am on fire today with geek tips. Must be that MacAddict I skimmed at the gym.)

@Benedick: I need to go back to the gym. I have buried myself in work to prepare for an argument to be heard by three judges who will probably remind me of baboon butts.

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: I have a Nexus tablet to double-check websites in Android, and the damn thing never fails to frustrate me.

Since we’re geeking, perhaps JJ Abrams could give us that long-fantasized Star Wars/Star Trek crossover for one of the upcoming suckquels. He and George Lucas have already committed to retroactively destroying my childhood.

@JNOV: You’ll need an old priest, a young priest, and about six bazillion gallons of holy water to tease Satan out of any device running Windows 8 or Office 2013. Save your sanity and stick with Apple. You can usually find good deals on gently used, refurbished models. Mr. A is a certified Mac addict and will be happy to provide recommendations : )

@¡Andrew!: As prophesied, kids love the first three prequels, and consider the original trilogy somewhat dowdy.

I, of course, have never forgiven Lucas for Ewoks.

Have I got this wrong but isn’t the crossover sequel Jar Jar Binks Fucks Meets Spock. I don’t know if any Ewoks were harmed in the making. One can only hope so.

Big news here in God’s country: so you know it’s been like winter? And now it’s like over? Two nights ago I forgot to bring in the bird feeders and the bear ate them. This happens every year. Every year I think at this time, God! I must remember to bring in the bird feeders. I forget and the bear gets them. But, after he ate all the sunflower seed he went down the near lawn and left a colossal dump. Meanwhile, the trees are turning cherry red and buds are swelling – as the bishop said to the actress.

@Dodgerblue: For the first time I am working out with a trainer and have never done as well in a gym in my life. After a year I am frequently mistaken for either a lumberjack or an underwear model. And sometimes for a lumberjack who models underwear as a sideline.

@Benedick: Everybody knows Kirk fought the Gorn for the right to fuck Spock.

@nojo: My bad. So long as someone fucks Spock.

How do you say, ‘Yeah, daddy, make me your bitch,’ in Vulcan?

Catt?

@Benedick: I’m eagerly awaiting your twerking video.

@Benedick: You couldn’t pronounce it.

@Benedick: Speaking of wrestling, here in Santa Monica, at the public high school where both my kids went, a misguided lad got into a scuffle with a science teacher who also, it turns out, is the high school wrestling coach. Result: Coach 1, kid 0. Video plus response from the clueless principal is here: http://www.latimes.com/local/lanow/la-me-ln-santa-monica-teacher-fight-20140405,0,5147513.story?track=rss&utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=twitter&dlvrit=649324#axzz2y2mD7PlS

@Dodgerblue: Impressive. Puzzled that they’re wearing clothes. That’s not Sparta. But good first step. Of course wrestling leads to spanking. At least it always did at my school. But I was classically edumacated and such as at a hallowed shrine of learning .

@¡Andrew!: Think Jed Hill/Bryce Tucker. But butch.

@nojo: Splort?

@Benedick: More like an Oxbridge Klingon.

@Benedick: I thought you had guard pugs. They didn’t chase the bear away?

I’m scared to imagine what a colossal bear dump looks like. Sounds like something the dogs would want to roll in.

@SanFranLefty: You know, they did. Two nights before the bird feeder débacle, when they went out last thing at night, all the dogs led by the pugs were clamoring at the back of the house. When I let them out in the morning they rushed to where the bear has been. Also pug 2 has a particular animus against deer: when she sees them outside she screams to get out to bite their hocks.

Bear dump was a big pile of black with lots of grains. Like a giant blood sausage that broke apart in the cooking. At this time of the year the young bears are mostly vegetarian. They score trees and break branches to mark their territory. They’ve just woken up and are hungry. I’d put out food but you’re not supposed to do that. In our 12 years in this house we’ve actually seen a bear maybe 3 times. Up in the woods behind the house I see evidence of them mostly in the form of deer bones. Pug 1 grabs them and drags them home. Born Free with sofa privilege.

Thanks, Everyone. My friend’s husband makes Apple Things (discount, yo), soooo I’ll probably get that external hard drive I’ve been meaning to get and see what’s up with the cheapest Air. Gah!

If Pages saves to docx, it can open docx. If there’s something comparable to Excel (I actually do maths with it), it should be able to import csv files. If not, there’s always Google Drive. Gah!

I have Word and Excel: Mac 2008. Of course I don’t have the installation discs, if they would work anyway…

Son says MSi or ASUS. Have a feeling they’re gamer gear. Time to comparison shop and all that dumb shit. This computer has been dropped on concrete, while open, about five times. I sleep on it (open). The cats sleep on it (open). It has soy sauce, coffee, soda, some sticky stuff and god knows what under the key board. It’s been a good machine, but the plastic is falling off, and it needs a rest. I hope the Air can take that kind of beating.

Thanks again.

@nojo: Annnnnd Derp.

@JNOV: CSV files? “Numbers” — Apple’s equivalent to Excel.

Asus? Well… There’s a reason PCs are cheap: cheap components, cheap construction. The PC equivalent of your 2008 MacBook (just like Mom’s!) would have died years ago.

@JNOV: Also, if it comes to it, Mac Office 2011 (the latest) can be downloaded from Amazon for $109. I use it all the time, because clients.

@nojo: Yeah. Kid has a hot MSi that ran him about $600, but it’s for gamers. My old and very heavy Gateway lasted longer than the ThinkPad (inherited from dad) and the three Dells I blew up. I blew up five computers in nine years. I’ve got that magic touch.

@nojo: Yeah. The cheapest Air is $999, and I’m reading PC Mag to see what external drive is best for my ancient artifact – it’s looking like aFireWire 800 Thunderbolt FireWire 800. I’m still reading. That’s a good deal for Mac Office, annnd, my kid is in college, so I might get the student edition.

I ended up with Office because Blackboard. Blech.

I can’t believe my shit is so old that it has a six pin firewire port.

Oh! Setup and Migration Assistant. K.

@Andrew: Keep those priests at the ready.

@JNOV: Remember that the Air doesn’t have a DVD drive. There’s an external drive to be bought. I’ve got one that I share with my drive-less iMac. I’ve used it maybe twice. So if I were you I’d hold off on it. As the bishop said to the actress.

And with that, the 2014 Stinque Braquet is already over.

@Benedick: I’m about to throw my DVD drive in the closet, on top of the Zip drive.

@JNOV: Also, Backblaze.com. Heck, why not do that right now?

@Benedick and nojo: I found G-Technology 1TB G-Drive Mobile for $150.

Oh. Backblaze. Yep.

I don’t use my DVD drive. I copied all my CDs and done. Except for Tool – you can’t buy those CDs on iTunes.

I’m in the middle of a Burn Notice Netflix marathon, and I’ve only rented one movie from RedBox ever. I think I’m okay without a DVD drive, but I could be wrong. I’m done making mixtapes; no one appreciates them.

Simpleton that I am I bought a blu-ray specific drive so I could watch the Ring Cycle on the iMac since the hubby flatly refused to watch it on the TV. Full disclosure: I bought the entire Metropolitan Cirque de Soleil phantasmagoria on 5 discs. It doesn’t end well. How dumb am I?

@Benedick: You’re not dumb. You’re in love.

Okay, someone explain this: Samsara (the male kitten) has one of my socks. No one is near him, and he’s growling and hissing. No one wants that damn sock. It’s only going to end up in his food dish anyway. Ventress has the You Dumbass. I’m About to Take a Nap look. Maybe Sam has an imaginary friend.

@JNOV: I’m a geek, I use Major Software, and I don’t remember the last time I used a DVD drive. I downloaded the last two versions of the multi-gig Adobe suite.

Plus, the App Store is real handy for other stuff.

@JNOV: Cats have imaginary enemies.

I have a low-end Macbook Air and I love it. It can take a beating.
Had to get the cheap Office on Amazon this week to do Excel spreadsheets. Trying to learn Excel at midnight when you’re on a deadline is not something I recommend.

@JNOV:
You can also download openoffice for free. Most of the current file formats are supported. Minor differences in macros thought but not a big deal if you don’t use them.

Hooray for my bracket!! Sort of.

@nojo: Backblaze: Awesome

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: Thank you, Dear One.

@Mistress Cynica: Yeah. Sam is insane. Starlings have nested in the soffet above the window above my bed. I wake up to stereo chuffing if one of the kittens hasn’t already jabbed me in the ankle with a well-placed claw. They’re learning to pierce and run rather than claw and, well, claw some more. Progress.

W/r/t the Air – I am glad to hear that it’s sturdy. I need sturdy.

@ManchuCandidate: Congrats on your bracket win. ;-) Openoffice – free is good.

@JNOV: I kill Dells with some regularity. I got my current Inspiron after I found out that laptops don’t work after you dump a martini on the brains and guts part. Went to Best Buy, got the new version of the old one, loaded up everything from the backup hard drive and I was back in business that night.

My desktop at work runs Windows XP, so I might junk that box. move this baby over to the office and get a new version of this one for home and the road.

I got Mrs RML the Mac Air for Christmas, the 128 GB 11 in. model, I believe. Got her the iPad year before last, she got herself Amazon Prime and we’ll probably go broke because of her downloading and 2-day shipping book habit.

@ManchuCandidate: I put Open Office on my mother in law’s computers. She doesn’t use her latest one because she has a Kindle and loves to read on that.

@Benedick: I didn’t think I’d like to watch movies or shows on the computer but I watched all of Season 2 of House of Cards on the laptop, including a couple of episodes in a hotel bar last month.

@Benedick: Going turkey hunting next week with Son of RML. Carrying bear spray and some Pure American Heavy Metal in .357 magnum for when the SHTF. Won a guided hunting and fishing trip in a raffle from an Indian guy from an area tribe who was raising funds to attend the National Wild Turkey Federation convention. Should be fun.

@redmanlaw: What do you use to hunt the turkeys?

Re Dell, I once had a Dell laptop that caught fire when I was using it. No, I don’t type that fast. I called customer service while the thing was still smoking, reported that smoke was coming from one of the vents on the machine and he asked me “which side?” I wouldn’t think that it mattered when the fucking thing was on fire. They did ship out a new one pretty quick.

This “engagement video” by a couple of Ess Eff attorneys is something I can never wipe from my mind.

Make sure to not be holding a beverage in your hand while watching it, because you may spill your drink.

@redmanlaw: I’m betting on the turkey. Don’t bears like the spray?

@Dodgerblue: You were part of The Great Battery Conflagration? Dude.

@SanFranLefty: Jaw drop. Funny – I had forgotten about ATL. Do you remember the SNODFART couple who wanted a $500 spatula or something? ETA: No. Not a spatula. I think it was Drue?

@JNOV: OMG, I forgot all about Drue! She was the one who got ChicagoBureau so fired up back in the day!

@SanFranLefty: @JNOV: Ha! That video made me long for the sweet simplicity and naked avarice of Drue–whose name was lost to me until this moment.

@redmanlaw: As ever, SML is luckiest boy in US with just about the most awesome Dad ever. The turkeys are traipsing about the woods here. They go away in the winter. Where do they go?

(Princess; Where do the turkeys go, stepmother?

Stepmother: You’ll find out, my pretty. Mwaahhhaaahaha!)

Anywho. The pugs are out chasing them into the trees. The boxer is all: Is this good for my image? Does chasing turkeys make my butt look fat? I’m like hunting. Is anyone paying attention?

Just replaced the bird feeders ($130.00!!) ripped apart by bear when he woke up and is all like: Bear hungry. Must get black sunflower seed. Hmm!!

Also put up bird houses aimed at bluebirds. Fingers crossed. (As if)

@SanFranLefty: Oh dear God. As Thomas Aquinas once said, If you can’t understand the lyrics don’t exchange the vows.

I’m going to see A Midsummer Night’s Dream tonight, staged in part with puppets made and operated (is that the right word?) by the folks who did War Horse. Reviews have been good except for one set of friends who walked out. Has to be better than last night’s Dodgers game.

@Dodgerblue: Were the friends expecting penis puppets?

@Dodgerblue: Son RML is taking his bow. I’m using my shotty.

@JNOV: Not this stuff. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7sme9HSirf4

@Dodgerblue: A few weeks ago there was an installation of their work at the Kennedy Center, including the horse from War Horse, though their smaller pieces (Muppet-sized humans and animals) were in a way even more extraordinary. Can’t remember the outfit’s name, but they’re based in South Africa.

@mellbell: Turns out that production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream was just there and I missed it. Too bad!

@Dodgerblue: @mellbell: Ever see Bread and Puppet Theatre? Magic. They used to be involved at the Village Hallowe’en parade. Don’t know about now.