Six Degrees of Masturbation

In Brazil, they know how to sell hand sanitizers.

[BuzzFeed, via The Loop]

It’s probably true…

Gross work story. About a decade ago at work, I saw something which made me fastidious about washing my hands. I was in the bathroom to take a leak when I saw a guy (obviously from Tejas with cowboy boots and big ass belt buckle) emerge from the stall. He didn’t even look at the sink and walked out. I muttered something about assholes who don’t wash their hands as I washed mine. I emerged from the bathroom to see Mr Tejas Shit Hands shaking hands with several senior execs. I nearly burst out laughing and quickly walked to my cubical. It was at that moment I realized that perhaps my ancestors had the right idea of bowing to greet people.

I always find it interesting to think about greetings involving hands. They probably developed (he said, pontificating in a vacuum) as a way of showing you weren’t armed. Waving and shaking hands all demonstrate pretty clearly that the hand involved in the greeting isn’t holding a weapon. I just picture a couple of bands of opposing dudes in kilts on a wind-swept heath waving to each other before approaching to show they weren’t planning on immediately jabbing their swords into each other. Then it’s into fantasies of guys in kilts on a wind-swept heath, and Benedick shows up for some reason, and then, well, you know.

@IanJ: That’s my top-of-the-head understanding.

Meanwhile, snort any Benjamins lately?

For almost two years after my operation, I had a cold every 3-4 months in part because my immune system (and body) was in bad shape after a massive shit kicking. I ended up with Bronchitis twice during that time frame. It slowed my recovery as when I was just healthy enough to start exercising again I got sick again.

It was then when I noticed handprints on my walls and my former housemate coughing again. He rarely told me when he was sick. A light bulb went off and I wiped down the TV remote with surgical wipes after every time he touched it.

I haven’t been sick in over a year despite this awful flu season (corresponding when I started cleaning the TV remote and after I kicked him out.)

After cleaning up the house, I realized I was living with Pigpen.

@ManchuCandidate: I so miss the roommates stories, and the songs.

Oh, hey — something might be going on in SF in late Feb. Drinks? I promise not to be an asshole.

ADD: Okay — I’ll try really hard.

Back to the advert.

They aren’t saying that people don’t sanitize their toys. They’re saying penises harbor bacteria.

You’d think Armstrong’s would be pretty bacteriaee, but he only has one sweaty nut. Pfft. He’s probably incapable of nut numeracy.

Yes, men — your sacks stink.

I’m glad to be done with him. Still pissed off, but not as much as 6 months ago. Also, not much to parody these days.

Yes, so I’m told. It’s why I prefer to shower before sexy fun time.

@ManchuCandidate: Throw some alcohol on those bad boys, too. I’d skip the hand sanitizer, though. Probably tastes bad.

1. Develop flavored hand sanitizer
2. Convince men to slather it on nutsacks
3. ???
4. Profit!

@ManchuCandidate: One cannot predict sexy time…which reminds me of another story…

@JNOV: I misread that from a distance as “nutstache”, and now I think I’ll copyright it.


Oh I know…

I don’t mind predictability because it is less embarrassing than having a lover yell at you to take a shower because your nuts stink… um, not that it happened to me. It happened to a friend of mine… yeah.

@nojo: Ha!

1. Create male merkin nutsache
2. Convince men to glue it to their pubes
3. Pain
4. Profit!!

@ManchuCandidate: No one’s going to roll them dans la bouche si ils pueraient.

@ManchuCandidate: You can always wax those bad boys and then buy nojo’s nutstache for the locker room.

Ow. No thanks.

In the vein of TMI, I trim.

@ManchuCandidate: Just don’t trim the vein and bleed out.

Nope. I’m extra careful with anything sharp especially down there. An ex of mine told me about one of her exes who cut himself shaving his nads.

Was it wrong that I laughed?

Greetings involving vibrators. Think on that.

TJ/ Not the MSNBC Ad is blank for me.

And “If it smells, we’re on it” looks different.

I am stone cold sober.

@nojo: Right. First rule of slot machine use: that change is filthy.

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