Well, that only took two-and-a-half hours…

Server upgrades are not fun. And to make sure everybody Felt Our Pain, we tweeted the entire process. What? You weren’t paying attention? No matter. Here, let us rub your nose in it.


Storified by stinque · Sat, Jun 16 2012 16:49:09

Stay tuned for an exciting afternoon of highwire server upgrades! #stinqopalypsestinque
Server upgrades are like playing Operation on meth. Buzzzzzz!!! #stinqopalypsestinque
[Extremely clever geek gag about PHP and PCP omitted. You had to be there.] #stinqopalypsestinque
This server upgrade brought to you by Coffee & Cigarettes. Coffee & Cigarettes: Because you can never be buzzed enough. #stinqopalypsestinque
The Geek God who mocks our efforts is either Cesar Romero, Jack Nicholson, or Heath Ledger. Can’t decide. #stinqopalypsestinque
Server Upgrade Procrastination Strategy #1: Fruit Ninja. #stinqopalypsestinque
25 years ago, we feared that getting an answering machine was the first step on the Road to Geek Hell. We were right. #stinqopalypsestinque
We wrote a detailed 10-step server upgrade process a week ago. We don’t understand a word of it. #stinqopalypsestinque
We begin our afternoon of Server Upgrade Hell by backing up the shit out of everything. #stinqopalypsestinque
"mysqldump: Got errno 32 on write". This is our life. #stinqopalypsestinque
Compressed server database: 42 megs. That’s what 6,200 posts and 135,000 comments will do for you. #stinqopalypsestinque
Server Upgrade Step 2: YUM! No, that’s a geek command. All programming is descended from Douglas Adams. #stinqopalypsestinque
Distance between us and the Stinque server: 1,300 miles. If something goes Horribly Wrong, we’re Utterly Hopeless. #stinqopalypsestinque
Fuck. Launched nukes by mistake. Our bad. #stinqopalypsestinque
Server Upgrade Step 3a: Check laundry. We don’t multitask well. #stinqopalypsestinque
Note: "audit-libs-python" is not a command to catalog your DVD library. #stinqopalypsestinque
Server Upgrade Step 3: Zap old PHP. Now’s when shit starts getting serious. #stinqopalypsestinque
Server Upgrade Step 4: Install new PHP. At least, that’s the idea. Reality may deem otherwise. #stinqopalypsestinque
"rpm -qa | grep -i php". Don’t ask. #stinqopalypsestinque
Crisis! Alarums & Excursions! Roadblock! Going into Stealth Mode while we deal with this. #stinqopalypsestinque
Strongly considering shoemaking. #stinqopalypsestinque
MacGruber Moment apparently avoided, unless this is what Purgatory looks like. #stinqopalypsestinque
Looks like an abattoir under the hood right now. Abattoir! #stinqopalypse #pythoncallbackstinque
Server Upgrade Step 5: "Update php/mysql config files." We hope you know what that means, because we don’t. #stinqopalypsestinque
Server Upgrade Step 6: Examine wreckage, search for telltale stains with UV light. #stinqopalypsestinque
Server Upgrade Step 7: Restart database. This is probably the moment when Disaster Strikes. #stinqopalypsestinque
Server Upgrade Step 8: Update database users. Because they’re all still wearing turned-up collars. #stinqopalypsestinque
Server Upgrade Step 9: Restart web server. The Moment of Trvth has arrived. #stinqopalypsestinque
Server Upgrade Step 10: And, scene! Everything works! Please excuse us while we change our underwear. #stinqopalypsestinque


Can we download porn more easily now?

@Dodgerblue: Fuck! Forgot to install that module.

If a phone conversation about the state of your entirely het boner could help I’m your man. I could be Tiffany. Or Brad. Your choice. I won’t be charging 900 phone rates.

See you at

@I’m passing for white: PS. Carbon Offset Willow is looking fine. So far it’s a grower not a shower. Years after I’m dead it will tower over the streams.

Bottom line – Can I still see site? Check. Log in? Check

Pass the beer bucket and I’ll toss in a few bones. But otherwise, as with the rest of the inter webs, I have no freaking clue what it takes to maintain things, just like when I stick a key into my Chevy’s ignition I just expect it to start.

Dear Nojo,

Many thanks for all your labors on behalf of your loving, possibly undeserving Stinquers. Many thanks especially from me. This is my favorite resort on the World Wide Web.

@lynnlightfoot: Agree. I will hoist a warm, overpriced beer in Nojo’s honor at the ballpark this afternoon.

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