Terrible With Raisins In It
So, Frothy goes down. (Which, truth be told, is not usually how he rolls.)
And thus we have the last joke about Rick Santorum and certain sexual practices which some people might find offensive. Until, of course, he does something else that drives us all bonkers. Or signs a book deal. Or becomes a paid consultant for Fox News. (Good God — the man is going to make BANK after this winter of GOP activist discontent.)
Seriously, nobody should shed a tear for Rick here. The dude kept the torch alive for the hard-right wingnuts for three months longer than, by the merits, he should have. I mean, the man was absolutely nowhere at Thanksgiving. Disappointing Iowa performance, non-factor in New Hampshire, blow-out at hands of Gingrich in South Carolina, and… scene. That was the prevailing theory. But Tea Party types latched onto him like a raft after the previous torchbearers — Bachmann, Cain, Perry — flamed out spectacularly.
Trouble was, however, that he was never meant to be a Tea Party fave — as fully explained post-jump, which also includes a proper sendoff to our dear, departed nutcase, Rick Santorum.
Supposedly, the Teabaggers were all about the munnie. (The thinly veiled racism and suggestions that Black Eagle was a double-agent for Satan Himself? Mere window-dressing!) The real trouble with Obamacare (in their minds, fevered by efforts to suppress baser instincts, anyhow) was that people would be forced to pay their own money to do something… um… useful for people who (a) were not themselves and (b) had not-so-much money. And, also, the go-along-to-get-along, give-and-take of Washington (or any negotiation process in the Real World) was a non-starter for your average Liptonite.
The beginning of the end, if I recall right, was the explanation he gave for voting for No Child Left Behind at a CNN debate in Arizona. When he declared that he erred by voting for it, and explained that it was a take-one-for-the-team move on his part, his fate was more or less sealed. He committed the cardinal sin — he did something that dirty hippie liberals might actually support. And that would make some people pay just a little bit more to live in a little bit more civilized world.
Other impurities were raised, but that was the biggie. After that, not even the army of Thumpers (including the Duggars, who in some smaller countries could, if they were armed, constitute AN ACTUAL ARMY) that could be counted on to support a contraception-free world could save him.
Wisconsin was the last straw. There, the GOP voters have been whipped up into a frenzy over the past year. They want to hang a donkey head on a wall (right next to the stuffed ten-pointer they bagged last November), and have someone who was as conservative as possible to do it. And who do they choose? Romney.
[Actually, “Not-Romney” beat Willard handily, but the Silly Party’s vote was split.]
And thus the irony, of course, is that in a race where a premium was put on ideological purity, the all-but-certain nominee is about as pure as an Atlantic City pitboss. One will have to see whether Newt can break, say, 35% in upcoming primaries, on account of seething Republican activists who cannot stand Mittens. It says here, however, that this is extremely unlikely to happen, given that Newt’s sugardaddy (a glorified Las Vegas pitboss) has thrown in the towel.
Yet Newtie is pressing on in his quest to prove that HE IS THE SMARTEST MAN WHO EVER LIVED. Which is quite a gig, if you think about it. (And he has — a great deal.) And Dr. Paul hasn’t taken a hint for the past eight years or so, and thus cannot be expected to do so now.
Anyway: For Rick, the road ends here. For all the humor (toilet and otherwise) he brought us, in the words of Mrs. Parker, Santorum “wasn’t just plain terrible… [but] was fancy terrible. [He] was terrible with raisins in it.”
So let us send him off in style. [What supplies we would need to do so — an ultrasound machine (complete with probe and gel)? a bottle of Ex-Lax? a strategically-placed sweater vest? — is an appropriate subject for debate.]