Strange Things Are Happening to Me

Today, to kick off his swing through the South, the Romney panderbot made his appeal for the crucial Limey vote.

“Cor, stone the crows!” he was hear to opine at Heathrow’s dreaded Terminal One, “the trouble ‘n’ me are here to express our deep affection for all things English.

Not many people know it but my middle name is Nigel. If there’s one thing Ann (with an e) and I like it’s a nice plate of bangers ‘n’ mash. Crikey, them’s good eatin’, y’all. As a huntsman myself, I have a hankerin’ for varmints. Small varmints, if you will. Where was I?

Oh yes! England. Well there’s always gonna be an England. I don’t think anyone’s going to disagree. Except president Obama – who has done everything in his power to let the French take over and flood the place with cheap mayonnaise. Not that there’s anything wrong with mayonnaise. Or people who like the stuff. I’m no East Coast snob. In my career as an incredibly successful CEO I have worked with all kinds of people. I have worked with Jews and let me tell you they’re fine people. Which is why I stand with Israel. I buy all my clothes at Marks and Spencer. Unlike president Obama.

Help me send a message come November that we don’t want socialism here. We don’t need it and we don’t like it. We don’t need no stinkin’ nanny state, mate. I stand for cheap beer and contraception. Wait. Let me just walk that back. Cheap Coke and no contraception. And by Coke I mean cola not cocaine. Not that there’s anything wrong with cocaine. Wait. Let me revise that opinion. Cocaine is a scourge. Like the Democrat Party. I’m never happier than when I have a mug of tea in my mitt. Hand. And for those of you who are wondering why nothing has been seen of the Romney boys and when will there be more shirtless pictures available to download, I say to you, if you’re hankerin’ for Mormon man meat watch out for this year’s How I Saved The Olympics calendar. Would you like me to sing something from the early Beatles songbook?

Let me say in closing I love jam. Strawberry jam. All kinds of jam really. And chips. I love ’em. Can’t get enough of ’em. God bless queens. I mean THE Queen. God bless THE queen. Not queens. I’m against president Obama’s forced transgendering of America. It’s time to take our country back! Watcher, cock!”

When reached later for comment, Piers Morgan was quick to approve the ex-governor’s remarks saying, “Speaking for the middle class I haven’t seen this much pander outside a zoo. Let’s hope he starts a trend. He’s a handsome man – in a totally non-homosexual way – and I’m sure we’d all like to know what he’s got in his hair.

[via TPM]

Mittens a man for all seasons, all foods and all straight white people.

Ironic because he’s a damn robot.

It gets better:

@BuzzFeedAndrew: Ouch. Mitt Romney asks Randy Owen of Alabama to sing “Sweet Home Alabama” which is by Lynyrd Skynyrd.

@nojo: Aaaand the polls have just swung up for Swingrich in Alabama.

@nojo: here’s one the swingrich campaign could play:
puttin’ people on the moon, by the drive by truckers
of course swingrich might not like the lead in or the part about “goddamn bush is in the white house” originally written as “goddamn reagan’s in the white house”.
here’s the studio version:

@rptrcub: one of the co-chairs of the swingrich campaign here in tennessee, stacey campfield jumped ship and endorsed santorum at the last minute. he obviously likes his swing to be a little more frothy than swingrich does. unfortunately for the lunatic campfield, he was voted in as a swingrich delegate and must under teapublican’t codes of conduct vote for swingrich at the convention unless neutered quits and releases his delegates, something he will not do just to spite campfield. for proof campfield is indeed a lunatic, please google him but keep in mind, he ain’t from around here originally.

@jwmcsame: It struck me as I was cleaning the house tonight that although I got asked to give money to a Native American delegates event at the New Mexico pre-primary state Democratic convention, they didn’t even send an invitation to attend as a guest. I would have politely declined (snowing a bit, big sleepover for Son of RML to kick off spring break tonight), but still.

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