Strange Things Are Happening to Me
Today, to kick off his swing through the South, the Romney panderbot made his appeal for the crucial Limey vote.
“Cor, stone the crows!” he was hear to opine at Heathrow’s dreaded Terminal One, “the trouble ‘n’ me are here to express our deep affection for all things English.
Not many people know it but my middle name is Nigel. If there’s one thing Ann (with an e) and I like it’s a nice plate of bangers ‘n’ mash. Crikey, them’s good eatin’, y’all. As a huntsman myself, I have a hankerin’ for varmints. Small varmints, if you will. Where was I?
Oh yes! England. Well there’s always gonna be an England. I don’t think anyone’s going to disagree. Except president Obama – who has done everything in his power to let the French take over and flood the place with cheap mayonnaise. Not that there’s anything wrong with mayonnaise. Or people who like the stuff. I’m no East Coast snob. In my career as an incredibly successful CEO I have worked with all kinds of people. I have worked with Jews and let me tell you they’re fine people. Which is why I stand with Israel. I buy all my clothes at Marks and Spencer. Unlike president Obama.
Help me send a message come November that we don’t want socialism here. We don’t need it and we don’t like it. We don’t need no stinkin’ nanny state, mate. I stand for cheap beer and contraception. Wait. Let me just walk that back. Cheap Coke and no contraception. And by Coke I mean cola not cocaine. Not that there’s anything wrong with cocaine. Wait. Let me revise that opinion. Cocaine is a scourge. Like the Democrat Party. I’m never happier than when I have a mug of tea in my mitt. Hand. And for those of you who are wondering why nothing has been seen of the Romney boys and when will there be more shirtless pictures available to download, I say to you, if you’re hankerin’ for Mormon man meat watch out for this year’s How I Saved The Olympics calendar. Would you like me to sing something from the early Beatles songbook?
Let me say in closing I love jam. Strawberry jam. All kinds of jam really. And chips. I love ’em. Can’t get enough of ’em. God bless queens. I mean THE Queen. God bless THE queen. Not queens. I’m against president Obama’s forced transgendering of America. It’s time to take our country back! Watcher, cock!”
When reached later for comment, Piers Morgan was quick to approve the ex-governor’s remarks saying, “Speaking for the middle class I haven’t seen this much pander outside a zoo. Let’s hope he starts a trend. He’s a handsome man – in a totally non-homosexual way – and I’m sure we’d all like to know what he’s got in his hair.