Everything at Foster’s is Wonderful to Eat

You’re a veteran network journalist, interviewing Rick Santorum’s Super PAC sugar daddy Foster Freeze Friess live on cable television. And out of the blue, he drops this:

“Back in my days, they used Bayer aspirin for contraceptives. The gals put it between their knees and it wasn’t that costly.”

How do you react? Let’s find out!

[via Political Wire/SFL]

This is why you never let them wire you UNDER your clothes. Insist they run the wire OVER your clothes so when someone says something like this you can say, “Fuck you, you ignorant motherfucking cracker, I am not paid enough to talk this kind of shit with you, you dick faced asshole.” Then you can rip off your mic, throw it to the floor, grind on it a little with your Manolos, stalk off the set, call your agent and demand a meeting with your producer STAT. If you let them wire you under, you’re stuck there thinking what the hell you’re going to fix Alan for dinner and if there’s enough vodka and frozen cookie dough left in the house to get you through till you next see your analyst and does throwing up every meal really rot out your molars.

Plus, I sense a meme, websites, new definitions, all kinds of internet fun. It could even get twittered.

(I have no idea what that is but I’m told it’s awesome. Much like assless chaps.)

@Benedick: what the hell you’re going to fix Alan for dinner

Is he still eating solids?

@Benedick: Oh, I have it on good authority that you’ve been on the fun side of a couple of pairs of chaps, buddy.

Everyone knows you douche with Coca Cola. DUH!

@JNOV is like, Peace?: No. You spray the stage with Coca Cola, aka, Coke it.

Jeez. I heard that joke when I was 13.

@Dodgerblue: But have you heard it since? I have the vaguest recollection.

@mellbell: Grab an aspirin and try it yourself.

@mellbell: Darling. Sit down. Pour a glass of wine. You know me. I don’t understand anything about you funny Americanskis. But. Thing is. You’re supposed to be 13 watching some commercial about how to be happy. Perhaps eating Ding Dongs. Or spliffing quiffs. I don’t know. But if you try very hard, and squint, when they sing “Coke is it!” you can hear them sing “Coke is shit!”.

That’s the joke.


(It’s a guy thing)

@mellbell: I meant the aspirin joke. Which, Nojo is correct to surmise, I haven’t heard since I was 13.

@Dodgerblue: And how do you determine a cat’s sex?

Check the bottom of its paws.

Kids today, they don’t know what they’re missing.

@nojo: I’m appalled. Next time you’re ‘brainstorming’ you might try stuffing an aspirin up ‘Silent Creative Partner”s foreskin.

@mellbell: Of course Coke is shit. That’s the point.

@mellbell: That if an aspirin tablet is held between one’s knees, there is no room for another person to get between said knees. Even at 13, I didn’t think that was much of a joke.

I do remember an elephant joke from those days. How many elephants fit into a VW Beetle?

Four, two in the front and two in the back.

You can place the pill between you knees if you want, but if you’re sitting (or lying) in the right position, you’ve lost control of your birth control.

@Dodgerblue: Nojo cleared that one up for me. And I marvel at how well Andrea Mitchell handled it.

Did you guys see this yesterday?

Colombian priests hired hit men to kill themselves
Two priests in Colombia hired hit men to kill themselves after discovering they had contracted aids, a court has heard.


@Dodgerblue: And 96 in the ashtray.

Oops. I’m sorry. Wrong Beetle joke.

@Dodgerblue: Weren’t you about 13 when SCOTUS decided Griswold? That might be why the joke disappeared.

Wait. This is a joke?????????? A joke?????????? I had no idea. I thought he was merely ignorant and a believer in homespun remedies du sud. Reading over mellbell’s confusion I just now learn he was making a joke?????????? Why did nobody tell me?????????????? Has he resigned yet? I was up early with a dog recovering from surgery and have been distracted. More distracted.

Wait. He was making a joke?????????????????????????????????????????

@Dodgerblue: I remember when Spencer Gifts would sell a plastic container with a single pill in it and these same instructions. They were used as gag gifts in the late 60’s.

@SanFranLefty: I was 14, young lady.

Remember Tom Swifties? My fav: “I’ll take the prisoner downstairs,” he said condescendingly.

@Dodgerblue: I loved those.

@Benedick: Doggy had surgery? Everything okay?

@Dodgerblue: I used to steal my brother’s copy of Boys’ Life just to read those.

@mellbell: I used to read Nun’s Life for the surfing spreads.

@Dodgerblue: @mellbell: “Stand back, or I use the rapier’s end!” he said pointedly.

@Dodgerblue: Thanks for the education I have never heard of these.

“I was probably too dense as a child to have been aware of them anyway” he responded heavily.

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