Faced With Problem, Herman Cain! Fails to Solve It

We’re astonished! that Herman Cain! has yet to solve the problem created by a rogue campaign member. At least we remain confident that, true to his principles, Cain! won’t go around blaming someone else for the situation.

Oh, fuck it. It’s fun to watch him twist in the wind, but he is and always was a joke candidate. It’s getting so bad, we’re finding ourselves wishing that Sarah Palin had run. Now there’s schadenfreude you can believe in!


Cain! reminds me a lot of my former CEOs. Ambitious, slogan spouting, clueless about the organization they’re running, and runs for the hills at the first sign of shit happening.

BTW, he reminds me of the last CEO preznit. You know, Bunnypants.

Then there’s this, about Mittens burnishing his libcred not so long ago.

At this point, Black Eagle can almost run as the candidate with the most consistent record of conservative leadership, and win. Not your daddy’s triangulation.

I don’t see this as a deer in the headlights sort of thing–the deer freezes, but it goes bounding off. Cain!’s reaction is more of a cow in the headlights reaction. The cow in the headlights happens at 2 AM on country roads where there are open range laws (livestock can graze wherever they want and if you hit one on the road, you just bought it–probably along with a new car). When you have to brake suddenly for a cow on the road it just stares dumbly at you and takes its sweet time before it ambles off. Never get in a stare down with a cow, especially if you’re on your way home from a bar.

@Jesuswalksinidaho: jesus, you are exactly right and i speak from experience. one late summer night i was driving home from bartending and of course the requisite after hours behavior. the road home was not only tree lined and unlit but tree covered, blocking out what little starlight there might have been. i decided to reach for a beat farmers cassette in the driver’s door pouch and noticed a black and white cow’s head like a chick filet mascot in the driver’s side window. just for a milli-milli-millisecond though as i came to a screeching dead stop from about 50 mph (milan ire in nascar terms) as my buick skylark had collapsed into a freshly corpsed cow. the distance from the front bumper to the windshield was about 10 inches, but i walked away unscathed.

back to herman cain’t (the contraction for cannot is pronounced cain’t here on rocky top), i agree with the right wingers who say that slick willies fucking around was a lot worst than cain’ts fucking around. without monica lewinsky, there would have been no w, etc, etc, e t motherfucking c, as gore would have beaten even a ballot cheating w without the baggage that slick’s fucking around forced gore to carry on the campaign trail. cain’ts fucking around will just gaurantee another psycho lunatic nominee for the republican’t primary thereby ensuring obama’s victory. so caint’s fucking around is a good thing while slick’s fucking around was a very bad thing. get it?

i just almost misspelled obama as O’bama. it made me think. what if obama had spelled his name O’bama when he started out campaigning. could he have convinced the republican’ts and teabaggers that he was irish and not arabic-african-islamic and avoided all the unfounded criticism and birtherism based solely on racism? he could have told all his racist enemies that he was an irish guy that somehow just got all tanned up real good in all that hawaiian sun.

@jwmcsame: Nah, then they’d just accuse him of being IRA.

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