Sarah Palin Quits Again

Our guest columnist has been fucking annoying for the past three years.

October 5, 2011
Wasilla, Alaska

After much prayer and serious consideration, I have decided that I will not be seeking the 2012 GOP nomination for President of the United States. As always, my family comes first and obviously Todd and I put great consideration into family life before making this decision. When we serve, we devote ourselves to God, family and country. My decision maintains this order.

My decision is based upon a review of what common sense Conservatives and Independents have accomplished, especially over the last year. I believe that at this time I can be more effective in a decisive role to help elect other true public servants to office – from the nation’s governors to Congressional seats and the Presidency. We need to continue to actively and aggressively help those who will stop the “fundamental transformation” of our nation and instead seek the restoration of our greatness, our goodness and our constitutional republic based on the rule of law.

From the bottom of my heart I thank those who have supported me and defended my record throughout the years, and encouraged me to run for President. Know that by working together we can bring this country back – and as I’ve always said, one doesn’t need a title to help do it.

I will continue driving the discussion for freedom and free markets, including in the race for President where our candidates must embrace immediate action toward energy independence through domestic resource developments of conventional energy sources, along with renewables. We must reduce tax burdens and onerous regulations that kill American industry, and our candidates must always push to minimize government to strengthen the economy and allow the private sector to create jobs.

Those will be our priorities so Americans can be confident that a smaller, smarter government that is truly of the people, by the people, and for the people can better serve this most exceptional nation.

In the coming weeks I will help coordinate strategies to assist in replacing the President, re-taking the Senate, and maintaining the House.

Thank you again for all your support. Let’s unite to restore this country!

God bless America.
– Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin Will Not Run for President [ABC]

It’s a small thing, really, but her confusion as to the difference between a title and an office (as noted by Sully and others) nevertheless speaks volumes.

For the record, my entry in the Who Called It First sweepstakes is November 5, 2010.

Points off for confidently saying Newt isn’t running either, however. Although it’s yet to be shown that he’s serious.

Here is Borowitz’ take: Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part.

So, did the Daily Show have to stop tape and regroup for tonight’s show when the news broke?

“fundamental transformation”

Is the fact that Palin puts that phrase in quotation marks an indication that even she knows the claim is fraudulent?

Question for the American electorate in 2012: Which version of Obamneycare do you prefer?

I can’t quit you babe, but I gotta put you down for a while.

. . . and she can stay up where it’s Nine Below Zero all the time . . . it’s a pity, and God knows it’s a crying shame . . .

Talibunny done prayed.

Jesus took a shit on her face.

She got the message.

@FlyingChainSaw: I thought she was bigger than Jesus.

Actually what happened is that for the first time ever, the Devil decided her soul wasn’t worth it.

@redmanlaw: way to work. how bout the original one way out? how did folks back then just sit there all stoic and clap politely like nothing was really happening when all these black guys were playing all the future rock n roll hits basically for free? did the audience know what was up? that all these guys were fixing to get ripped off bad and the audience didn’t want to let the cat out of the bag too early.

@nojo: awesome. can i use that in the future?

@jwmcsame: All snark is public domain, unless it gets featured on Countdown, in which case we get credited.

@nojo: She is but His feces are toxic after a whole summer of barbeque and Bud Light.

@blogenfreude: Yes, and it still redirects to our homepage.

ADD: And now it redirects to this post.

@nojo: If you want to get on Countdown, you need to juice up the header. Something like, “Teasing Talibunny Squeezes, Strokes, But Refuses to Get Down On It – Yet Again”

@FlyingChainSaw: Nah, I’ll wait for another Brilliant Billboard Parody. Everyone’s going after Palin, and there’s no point fighting the crowds.

I did not see this coming. Santorum is so going to take the lead. This will be the big push he’s needed.


This should get you an interview with Keith.

More from Borowitz: Meanwhile, still reeling from charges of racism, Texas Governor Rick Perry was reportedly huddling with advisors at his country home, Jewtrap.

@Dodgerblue: Before heading out for a bit to eat at his new restaurant, The SpickPit

@FlyingChainSaw: Keith’s busy trying to trademark Occupy Wall Street.

@Dodgerblue: Of course, Kinky Friedman recently endorsed Deranger Rick.

@nojo: Keith is an asshole’s asshole. When you get your interview on Countdown, punch him in the face for me.

@nojo: Breaking: MSM reports that Steve Jobs died.

@nojo: You wait. She’ll feed one of her kids to a bear.

@redmanlaw: Fucking phoney bastard. He’s just waiting for the big dance at Har Megiddo.

@JNOV: “And I would like to welcome the fine gentlemen from ZZ Top this afternoon . . . “

@nojo: Wait. Whoa. Kinky Friedman? [reading wikipedia right quick] I thought he was liberal in a weird Texas way.

@redmanlaw: He looked incredibly uncomfortable.

Speaking of quitting, when did Mos Def become Formerly Mos Def?

@nojo: What now?

ADD: Yasiin Bey? Huh?

Derrick Bell died as well. I read Faces at the Bottom of the Well in college. I liked it. I think the only other book I’ve read by an African-American lawyer was In the Matter of Color by Judge Higginbotham.

@JNOV: Derrick Bell? Bet my in-box includes chores from A Certain Campus in the morning…

@JNOV: Try to find a copy of “Soul of Justice” – the documentary about Judge Thelton Henderson.

@nojo: And in other OG news: ” Snoop (Dogg) has also reportedly signed on to star in an upcoming television family sitcom, teaming with Don Reo who is a vet producer with a resume that includes “Two And A Half Men,” “Everybody Hates Chris” and “My Wife And Kids.” The new show will reportedly center on a family with Snoop playing the father. ”

@nojo: So how did the inbox look? The one thing Bell and I have in common is the ease with which we quit jobs b/c of dumbfuckery. What we don’t have in common: the ease with which he found new employment. Maybe I need to go do something with my life.

@SanFranLefty: I will look for it. At the library right now…

@JNOV: No chores in the mail this morning. I guess Derrick wasn’t a beloved former dean…

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