The Cannibal Anarchy Case for a Chris Christie GOP Presidential Candidacy

Gov Sandwiches staggers around like the pathetic, glucose-drunken halfwit he is at his kid's baseball game, after being ferried there on a state helicopter and being driven the last 2 feet with a state car while his wife holds out a box of lard for him to slobber down, one of 50 he consumes each hour.

The cynics in the national political commentariate love to chuckle behind their cuffs at the titanic expanse of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s sprawling physical girth, variously jeering at him for morbid obesity that could take his life at any moment and condemning him as simply too pathetic a fat fuck to ever be considered electable in a run for the White House.

The cat calls and guffaws even inspired the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance (NAAFA) to lurch to the defense of the immensely fat fascist psychopath, recently condemning any discussion of Christie’s monstrous dimensions as simply a distraction from his alleged achievements, like being a pawn in the Caligutard’s Justice Department, a twisted ministry whose claim to fame was approving torture so the CIA could legally make porno tapes Vice President and Vampire in Residence Dick Cheney could view while masturbating.

Critics and proponents, however, are sadly missing the real case for a Chris Christie GOP nomination and run for the White House.

The Cannibal Anarchy case.

The Koch Brothers and their collaborators will no doubt succeed in planting one of their neomedievalist apparatchiks in the White House in 2013, a psychopathic sycophant who will eliminate taxation on the rich; completely deregulate the financial crimes industry; hand Social Security programs to Wall Street to churn into bankruptcy; and start another 4 wars to give companies vested by Cheney and friends multi-billion dollar contracts to keep them impossibly rich and to fund their twisted entertainments.

All things being equal and all criminally insane GOP candidates ending up with exactly the same apocalyptic program authored by the Koch Brothers, we should consider the advantages of a candidate who, when Cannibal Anarchy inevitably ensues, has enough fat and meat on his bones to keep a substantial proportion of America fed.

Yes, that fuck fucking governor will be just fucking delicious! Scream, Chris, scream! It sweetens the meat!

Yes, that fat fucking governor will be just fucking delicious! Scream, Chris, scream! It sweetens the meat!

That candidate is Gov. Chris Christie of New Jersey.

When the economy collapses into ruin, the federal government is reduced to mercenaries paid with loot and bounty and Cannibal Anarchy is the law of the land, only one man can provide the sustenance that will allow America to carry on, through the complete dissolution of civilization that the GOP is so eager to deliver.

That man is Gov Christie, who is obese enough to provide meat for a new American founder population and fat enough to provide tallow for soap.

Think about it.

Bachmann and Palin live on coffee and don’t have enough meat on them to make a BLT.

Perry hugs too many Mexicans to be elected – and is too thin by half to make sandwiches or soap.

Romney? At the first sign of Cannibal Anarchy, the guy will be on a private jet to an undisclosed location in Central or South America where he will be received by his staff on his secret plantation.

The immense, blubber-rich fascist Christie is our only hope for survival.


The question is, if there’s a Republican president in 2013, will I have the balls to follow through and move to Brussels?

I draw the line at jiggly belly in the pants.

Gov Sammiches. Sammiches. Gov. Monte Cristo?

Click, print and send, and this could be tomorrow’s totally un-ironic politics editorial in the Seattle Times.

@¡Andrew!: Why don’t you? I just sent a link to the governor’s office in NJ recommending that he demand that’s domain name be suspended from the DNS for its crimes against civilization and his honorable office.

Sorry guys, but I stopped reading after about the eighth line. What can I say? Bare-breasted women or Governor Jabba? No contest.

Gov Crisco does have a ring to it.

@blogenfreude: Might I suggest Namur? And have you read George Soros on the collapsing Euro? But Belgian french fries do call out to one. The cigarettes are delicious too. Not that I do that any more. I’m considering Berlin.

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