Don’t Ask About the Wet Bar

Our guest columnist is the Manhattan District Attorney, describing Dominique Strauss-Kahn’s $3,000-a-night hotel suite.

Three of the other stains on the carpet contained the semen and DNA of three different unknown males, and one other stain contained amylase and a mixture of DNA from three different unknown individuals. The stain on the wallpaper contained the semen and DNA of a fourth unknown male. As there is no evidence that any other person was present during the charged incident, the circumstances under which the unidentified DNA was deposited are unrelated to the incident under investigation.

The Guests Who Never Left Strauss-Kahn’s Hotel Room [NYT, via @Slate]

Mine makes an exact replica of Sunday in the Park at La Grande Jette on the headboard, every time.

Two Republican congressmen and a family values mega-pastor with escort.

I am never staying in a hotel again. On the WALL?

Nice shooting, Brad.

@Tommmcatt Be Fat, And That Be That: Excuse me? I am not your slave. Though I am prepared to address you as Sir.

Well, now we see whether Jobs built an enduring institution, or just a monument to himself. Since he’s been on one form or other of sick leave for years, it’s not like this is unexpected.

@nojo: Please. We’re talking about my retirement.

/medical TJ/

So my entire left arm has been tingly and numb for about two weeks, and I think I hurt it lifting weights about two weeks ago. Probably the tendons or something, like carpal tunnel. Anyhoo, my super-sucky HMO charges $150 just to say “hello” to a doctor, and I shudder to think how much they’d charge for an X-ray ($1,000? $1,500?).

I’m leaving for Japan on Saturday, and I’m thinking about having a spill down the stairs while I’m there since the University paid for travel accident insurance and I’ll have access to their national health plan. (Srsly, an X-ray in Japan is like $90.)

Anyone have any experience with furrin’ health care systems?

@¡Andrew!: Er. So, like an x-ray doesn’t show soft-tissue well. MRI does much better, but MRI isn’t usually done when drs suspect a break.

Does your arm sometimes feel heavy and kinda useless? Like lugging around a log?

@JNOV: Yeah–it doesn’t hurt exactly, full range of motion and all that–it’s just sleeping!

An MRI? Shit. They can do those with Japanese cell phones now, right?

@Benedick HRH KFC: Didn’t you get the memo? I AM DICTATOR-FOR-LIFE AROUND HERE! DO IT!

ADD: God that feels so good….

@Tommmcatt Be Fat, And That Be That: Can you heal the lame? Like starting with my left wing? Praise!

@¡Andrew!: Sounds like circulation issues — does it feel like you’ve been sleeping on it? Parathesia?

Weird question — how’s your potassium intake? Potassium makes your neurons fire better. Stop wearing net shirts to the club.

Kill your TV.

I can’t find shitall to watch.

They’ve made a game show about company picnic kid games. WTF is this shit? WhoTF is this guy? I thought the Oxi-Clean guy died.

Wait — it’s like quarters, too! WTF?

@JNOV: I take vitamins and eat bananas, so potassium should be OK. My concern is that it’s not going away, but the symptoms caused by pressure from heavy lifting sound about right. Maybe this will score my medical marijuana card!


@¡Andrew!: Just go to one of those storefront places on Melrose. They’d give a prescription to a 5-year-old.

@¡Andrew!: Okay — just know that potassium is depleted hellafast, esp in runners, so throw in some OJ or more naners or low-sodium V8. See if that helps any.

Also, do not discount panic. I know that sounds so fucking weird, but yeah, it’s a symptom of a panic attack.

America Does Not Have Talent.

I do not understand this Dish thing.

@JNOV: You can’t process potassium without enough water or the right electrolyte balance in your body.

NOVA. Thank you, Jesus. So what if I’ve seen the fractal show this many times? I feel safe now.

@Tommmcatt Be Fat, And That Be That: Well, you’re thinking about a banana bag, but on your own, esp in the summer, it’s fine to eat a nother naner or two, drink some low-sodium V8, OJ, (all these have water in them, too) and potassium is an electrolyte. Unless you want an IV, eat a banana, etc.

I can’t believe there isn’t any booze in this house.


Heh. Ever seen the 3D version?

Hm, now I want broccoli for some reason…

That didn’t make booze appear. How much mouthwash do you have to drink to get buzzed?

Maybe I just need more Brawndo–it has electrolytes!

@JNOV: I’ve been thoroughly enjoying the Classics recently. I’m watching a The China Syndrome and The Music Man double feature right now (I like to pair dramas and comedies).

Has anyone heard from baked? Doesn’t she live right about where Hurricane Irene spent the day?

@¡Andrew!: Oh! The China Syndrome! Once I find my cat (I think it’s spraying my aunt’s bed), I’ll turn on and tune out.

@Dave H: It’s been a little over a day. House was doing fine, but electricity/internet was expected to be spotty.

I know it’s hard to believe that someone has lived as long as I have and has never done this, but I dropped a roll of toilet paper in the (CLEAN!) toilet. Will it dry out and be kind of useable?

@JNOV: About a year and a half ago, I was seriously frustrated with the quality of (sucktacular) movies that Hollywood was putting out, and then it hit me that I’ve got over 70 years worth of the best films to enjoy. I’ve seen countless magnificent films, and it’s incredible how much these earlier works have shaped our entertainment today. I can hardly believe it, but I’ve only got a few dozen left on my list that I’ve still gotta see:

You Can’t Take It With You
It Happened One Night

Mr. Skeffington
Christmas in Connecticut
Holiday Inn

All About Eve
Some Like It Hot

Westside Story
The Music Man
The Apartment
To Kill A Mockingbird
The Manchurian Candidate

Barry Lyndon
The Man Who Fell to Earth
The China Syndrome


LA Confidential

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

I’m now using my aunt’s dog to hunt for my cat. This should turn out well.

OMG! Dog just pissed on aunt’s runner! Fuck!


I need to see a lot of these. When I was a kid, West Side Story and The Sound of Music came on every year. I’ve never done the SoM sing along in SF. I regret that. I am Gretl. SPOILER: They did not walk across the Alps IRL. I learned that about ten years ago. I was crushed.

I am Rita Moreno. Natalie Wood — pfft, of course I wanted to be Natalie Wood when I was a kid. Now I get it.

One of my favorite scenes (no, not America).

Oh hey, Benedick HRH KFC, did you see the bilingual WSS?

For here you are
And what was just a world
Is a star

I was such a sappy kid.

Oh, found my cat!

@¡Andrew!: I’ll try, but I only know what’s on FB or maybe Skype. :-(

It might make landfall somewhere near me!

@¡Andrew!: You’ve never seen To Kill a Mockingbird?!?!?!?!?!?!

@Benedick HRH KFC: The first thing you do is throw the bedspread on the floor while touching as little of it as possible. Yes, they change your sheets, but those bedspreads…people fuck on those things as soon as they get in the room. And they are like never ever changed.

@mellbell: The unmitigated temerity!

@mellbell: It’s coming up soon. Should I pair it with Tootsie or SOB?

@mellbell: I only recently saw Funny Girl, which almost cost me my ghey card.

I’ve pretty much covered the 80s, 90s, and the Roaring Zeroes, which is why there are not more films from those decades left on the list. Don’t know what I’m gonna do when I’ve finished the list. Knitting, maybe?

I just saw Bette Davis in The Letter and now “I’ve always wanted to see the Chinese quarter” has to be one of my favorite film lines of all time, especially with her delivery.

@¡Andrew!: I’m still upset about that. I had forgotten about it but I am still upset.

@¡Andrew!: Tootsie, if only for Bill Murray’s pseudo-philosophical improvisation. (Favorite line: “I think it’s really sad, but I think that nowadays when people dream, they don’t even dream in their own country anymore, and that’s sick.”)

@nojo: Check out the nonsense headlines at MSNBC:


Apple got fired? Who doesn’t have jobs? Besides tens of millions of Americans, that is.


They fired their CEO and replaced him with the cook? Maybe it was Miss Scarlett in the study with the candlestick. WTF? Someone’s drunkenly journalizing again.


…three years of product development already in the pipeline.

I saw some far worse Jobs/Cook phraseology in the geekosphere. And to the substance, everybody’s known this was coming for years. Apple’s creative and production teams are industry-leading. Whether Cook can say No like Jobs famously does, and whether he can cut the deals Jobs excels at, remains to be seen. But it’ll be a long time before we see anything.


Since you asked:

You Can’t Take It With You – meh. Stupid play slightly better movie.
It Happened One Night = Loveliness

In case you missed them first tim out might want to consider adding =

Alexander’s Ragtime Band = My fave musical film. Henry King directing. Berlin score. Masterful.
The Lady Eve – Preston Sturges, Henry Fonda and Barbara Stanwyck. Heavenly comedy. See Fonda fall down.
Maytime – Strangely brilliant operetta
The Grapes of Wrath – Epic. Heartbreaking.
The Bitter Tea of General Yen – Curious and effective
The Shop Around the Corner – It doesn’t get more charming
Lady Hamilton – Brit but see what a real movie star looks like.
National Velvet – Very skillful adaptation of the novel. E Taylor and Mickey Rooney show us how it’s done.
Gaslight – What can be done with tripe.
Anna and the King – Irene Dunne saves Siam.
Imitation of Life – extremely interesting story seen from now. Colbert’s finest hour.

Mr. Skeffington – Fab! Top-drawer Davis vehicle with superb Claude Rains. Watch out for the brilliant cozzies. One of the great schlock endings.
Rebecca – Interesting film that slightly breaks under its load of swank.
Notorious – Hitchcok’s best. Or at least my fave. Remade as North by Northwest. Grant and Bergman are the epitome of glamor. Grant’s best perf.
Christmas in Connecticut – meh
Holiday Inn – meh
Dark Victory – You are gay aren’t you? Davis is supposed to have told the director, “Either I go up the staircase, or Max Steiner goes up the staircase, but we don’t go up together.” Thankfully they do.
Now Voyager – see above note re gay. Best movie entrance? The reveal of the made-over Davis.
Humoresque – Fine melodrama.
Sullivan’s Travels – Can never have too much Joel McCrae
In the Good Old Summertime – musical od Shop Around the Corner brilliantly done. Fine Garland and charming Van.
How Green Was My Valley – John Ford’s masterpiece.
They Were Expendable – Men at war. It will break your heart.
Holiday from Marriage – Brits at war. Robert Donat and Deborah Kerr.
Gilda – Sex sells!

All About Eve – As much fun as they say.
Shane – if you must
Some Like It Hot – Not a funny moment in it. Not one. And I revere Billy Wilder. I’ve never understood its reputation.
A Face in the Crowd – interesting movie
Love Me or Leave Me – Doris Day’s finest hour. And Cagney ain’t bad either. Junk as art. A whole slew of great songs in first-rate arrangements.
A Star is Born – continuing the gay thing. See it uncut, as the bishop said to the actress. Garland is everything they say she was and James Mason adds weight. Gorgeous score with one or two lapses in taste (the beach house number). She wuz robbed!
The King and I – the entrance of the king’s children is one of the finest pieces of musical staging in the canon, recreated faithfully here as is much else. Clothes by Irene Sharaf. The dress is practically a character.
The Importance of Being Earnest – Just because.
Touch of Evil – Oooo. Charlton Heston as mexican cop who can’t keep his shirt on. What’s not to like? Plus preposterous perf by Dietrich as a drag queen.

Westside Story – they fired Jerry Robbins after he shot the opening sequence on the streets of NYC. The rest of it is bloat.
The Music Man – Well you saw that. Shapoopie! Bless Michael Kidd.
The Apartment – Great Billy Wilder.
To Kill A Mockingbird – meh. G Peck is really ridiculous as Atticus. Fine children. It’s all a bit overdone.
The Manchurian Candidate – good thriller as I remember. Lansbury type-cast as maniac.

Barry Lyndon – Superb, glorious, ravishing, with a hole at its heart where the hero should be. If only he’d had an actor to play Redmond.
The Man Who Fell to Earth
The China Syndrome – Good thriller as I remember
Woodstock – because.
Days of Heaven – still as grand as ever.

Now I’m tired.


LA Confidential

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

How do you teach a dog to sit? My aunt’s dog will lie down and sometimes roll over when I tell him to sit. I’m like, “Okay, that’s fucking awesome, but I really just want you to sit.” I think it’s totally my tone of voice and doesn’t have one thing to do with the words.

@Benedick HRH KFC: “Some Like It Hot” is my wife’s favorite movie.

@JNOV: Approach the dog as s/he is standing with a treat. Aiming above the dog’s nose as s/he goes to take treat raise it up so you go above the dog’s head towards the back. Dog will automatically sit to get treat. As s/he does say ‘sit’. Dog will say, ‘WTF. I just want the treat.’ But will sit and if repeated a few times will start to sit with less gesture and finally with none.

@Dodgerblue: I am alone in my opinion. And I don’t say I’m right. Only that it has never made me laugh.

@Benedick HRH KFC: Ah. Will try it. Aunt is annoyed that dog and I get along, so, yeah. It might have to wait.

@Benedick HRH KFC: Attempt 1: Dog lies down. Attempt 2: Dog jumps like a spring. Attempt 3: Dog sits. Good dog.

2000s: Dirty Pretty Things, The Departed, Capturing the Friedmans, Dear Zachary.

@JNOV: Or you can try my approach: kneel in front of dog and beg.

@Benedick HRH KFC: @JNOV: Be a bigger dog. And gently shove the rump down when you’re making the request. Good dog!

Dogs want to follow orders. They just need to understand what the orders are.

With cats, of course, reason is futile. You just have to declare that the tabletop is your turf, and behave accordingly.

@nojo: I tried the rump thing, and he started licking me to death and pogoing and licking my ear (HATE THAT). He licks me to death when I try to attach his leash making it so I can’t attach his leash, thus the need for sit and stay.

How do you teach them to stay?

He’s one of those high-strung things and quite affectionate unless you’re a kid, bicycle, man or car. He rarely loses his shit around kids, etc. now. He has also untied my sneakers, and I need new laces.

Is his poop supposed to be bright green?

@¡Andrew!: BTW, I saw a headline that read: “Cook Now Most Powerful Gay Man In America.” I was surprised because I thought the most powerful gay men were posting here.

@nojo: With cats, of course, reason is futile. You just have to declare that the tabletop is your turf, and behave accordingly.

Let me know how that’s working for you. I’ve found a cat’s memory of being lifted/pushed off the tabletop or off a keyboard can be measured in fractions of a second.

@Dave H: I was going to add, repeat twenty or thirty times.

The cat will eventually learn that the tabletop is your turf, and only occasionally challenge it.

Until you leave the room. Then all bets are off.

@JNOV: Well, yes, high-strung dogs. Good fucking luck. I’m used to barrel-chested Huskies who insist on crushing your lap.

@nojo: You’ve never actually met a wire-haired dachshund, have you? Huskies? It is to laugh.

@Dodgerblue: Most influential.

@Dave H: @nojo: Repeat it til you’re goddamned blue in the face. Still not gonna do any good. I’ve found out the hard way that if you get into turf wars with cats, you and/or your stuff are gonna get peed on.

Oh, fuck this shit. This isn’t even Irene yet and they’re talking evacuation. I’m taking some benzos.

Oh hell. Mandatory evacuation tomorrow.

@JNOV: What’s in your Go Bag? I’d leave ASAP and beat the rush.

@redmanlaw: Um, I don’t have a car; I have a thumb. My go bag has some jewelry, three cats, a change of clothes, computer, phone, surfboard modem, chargers, and my meds. We have no idea where to go. Looking for shelters.

@JNOV: The main thing is to get out, I think, then find a place the land far enough out. Pound on the door of a Mormon or Catholic church out in the sticks.

@redmanlaw: Yup. You are absolutely right. We are now eating copious amounts of comfort food. Before bed we get to choose what things are important to us. Someone has offered to put us up – and our pets and my aunt’s friend. We’re going to be okay. I think the hardest thing is going to be getting my aunt to leave her home. This entire community is kind of confused because the marshes go so far inland and this kind of thing “doesn’t happen here.” SMH FML

Okay — just had heart-to-heart with great aunt. This is real; we have to decide what’s important; we have to leave early tomorrow morning.

@JNOV: Maybe stuff you can’t take (photos, etc) could be tied in multiple layers of Hefty bags and stuffed in the fridge, oven, etc, sealed with duct tape.

Sign of the Apocalypse: Washington over Baltimore by 7 in preseason NFL.

@JNOV: OMFG! I hope everything will be OK.

@¡Andrew!: Haha! She’s bitching me out for leaving milk (mine) on the counter. I’m like: You think we’re going to have electricity?

@JNOV: I had no idea the hurricane was so serious. They’re not even covering it here on the Left Coast.

@¡Andrew!: We sure as shit didn’t take it seriously, but we just got a robocall telling us to get the fuck out tomorrow morning. Prom has to be out by 4 p.m. I think. We’re south and west of him, but we’re four blocks from Lakes Bay, and the surge is expected to be nasty. We’re used to flooding but we’re not used to sharp and heavy things flying through the air. I’m watching the news, packing, and finding a way to leave. What do I do if my aunt won’t leave? Can I call the cops on her?

@JNOV: Thinking of you. I’m making us storm ready tomorrow. The house is up high but I’m concerned about trees falling if it gets really bad. I’m expecting that we’ll lose power so I’m cooking a lot of what’s in the freezer and putting it in bags in the various streams. They’re telling us once in a century or, as it’s now known, August.

Stay safe. Let us know how you are.

@JNOV: Yes, you can. I called the cops on my mother. The threat was enough because I meant it. She saw that and gave in. You can do that.

@Benedick HRH KFC: Thinking of you, Darling — thanks for writing that. I just read it to my aunt, because she’s talking about riding this out. I was like, “My friend doesn’t even live on the coast and he’s preparing for a loss of power. Every room in here is full of windows – broken glass everywhere. How long can you go without water?” Now she thinks she’s going to take a chamber pot to the attic and ride it out. I will call the police on her.

@JNOV: As someone who grew up in hurricane country, when they tell you to GTFO, you gots to GTFO. The guv’mint don’t play when it comes to evacuation notices.

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: Right! Now aunt is staying with her cousin in DE, and I can’t stay there. O_o

@JNOV: If you can get them there, is there a general shelter like a school you can get into; or, you got other family that will get her there, leaving you single and mobile?

@Tommmcatt & @Benedick HRH KFC: Thanks for the film recs, gents. I’ve added them to my list.

@redmanlaw: Dude. She’s my ride. She’s going to DE and dropping me off in PA along the way. I am so pissed.

@JNOV: Least you’re getting out of there.

@JNOV: Jeez, if I had been paying attention, I would have suggested you hop a train to Providence and spend the weekend cooped up with me, Lucy and Gracie. We’ll be high and mostly dry. Just because there’s a hurricane doesn’t mean Lucy doesn’t need to go outside to pee and poop. Fortunately, Irene’s visit is scheduled for Sunday evening, so the worst of it (for me dampness-wise) will be Monday morning. I got the laundry done today, so we’ve got plenty of clean towels!

@redmanlaw: Hope so. Bet she makes me hitchhike.

@karen marie has her eyes tight shut: That would be awesome, but I have these three cats, so, yeah.

@karen marie has her eyes tight shut: You’re looking at high winds and swells, aren’t you?

@JNOV: DE? That doesn’t seem very safe. And PA? Go as far west as possible, sure, but Philly may get hammered.

@flypaper: all depends on where in DE. I’ll be in PA but near Chadds Ford which isn’t far from DE. Too bad Andrew Wyeth won’t be inspecting the town after the storm.

@JNOV: The more cats the merrier, I say. I’m far away from the coast enough that I won’t be affected by swells, and although my apartment is on the first floor, it’s raised up 3-1/2 feet. The only issue for me is going to be Lucy and the fucking 100 MPH winds. I really should go to the store and get pee pads.

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