Vote Now for the 2010 Stinque Awards!

It was a year without sex scandals.

Well, good ones. We’re sure that, if pressed, we could come up with something. But nothing with a marketable catchphrase like “Hiking the Appalachian Trail.”

And so, breaking with a long and storied tradition, the 2010 Stinque Awards for Achievement in Infamy will be the first without honoring the Best Spill of Precious Bodily Fluids in an Inadvertently Public Role. But not to worry — we’re sure that with so many new Republicans taking office in a few weeks, pestorking nominations for the 2011 Stinque Awards will be delightfully oversubscribed.

Until then, your immediate attention is required to the following categories:

  • Technical Awards for Nice People
  • Le Prix Trudeau for Best Un-American Activity
  • Velveteen Vuvuzela for Obnoxiousness in Sport
  • Feathered Fawlty for Most Obsequious Pundit
  • Platinum Passport for State Most Welcome to Secede
  • Silver Slinky for Most Spineless Democrat
  • Teflon Teabag for Best Wingnut
  • Golden Anal Pear for Asshole of the Year
  • Crystal Douchebag for Lifetime Achievement

To vote for an award, simply write a comment below. Don’t bother ballot-stuffing — winners will be decided on a qualitative basis. Quality will be determined by the content of the nomination, as well as penmanship and effectiveness of sucking up to the judges.

Our distinguished panel includes, as always, Yoda Pez, Cat Stick, and Fishtray, none of whom have been seen in public for more than two years, so don’t worry if you miss the references.

Winners will be announced next Monday, December 27. Cropped heads will roll.


Silver Slinky for Most Spineless Democrat
-Harry Reid

Teflon Teabag for Best Wingnut
-Chuck Norris

Velveteen Vuvuzela for Obnoxiousness in Sport
-Dallas Cowboy fans crying about the utter collapse of “US America’s” Team.

Platinum Passport for State Most Welcome to Secede
-who else can it be? Texas

the 2010 Stinque Awards for Achievement in Infamy will be the first without honoring the Best Spill of Precious Bodily Fluids in an Inadvertently Public Role

Doesn’t that pretty well describe the charges against Julian Assange?

I nominate Arizona for Platinum Passport for State Most Welcome to Secede and second Manchu’s nomination of Harry Reid for the Silver Slinky, although President Obama has fought valiantly for that award.

My nominee for Teflon Teabag for Best Wingnut is newly-elected Congressperson for Florida-22, Allen West, whose interviews on Meet the Press and in WaPo completely ignored his batshit crazy views.

Tom Donahue, president of the US Chamber of Commerce, should definitely get the Golden Anal Pear for Asshole of the Year for his outstanding work in the 2010 election cycle, defense of Wall Street, etc etc etc.

And despite his last minute effort on behalf of DADT, there is no question that Joe Lieberman is the person most deserving of Crystal Douchebag for Lifetime Achievement. There is no one I would like to kick in the nuts more than him.

Best Wingnut? Mike Lee. Hands down. God, I hate that asshole!

@mellbell: Ba-dump. And I thought that the RNC spending thousands on parties at the West Hollywood bondage club would be worthy of some sort of Bodily Fluid Award.

Also, I want to add a new category of “The Golden Crescent for Most Gratuitous Bashing of Islam” and nominate Newt Gingrich, that Atlas Juggs lady, and the State of Oklahoma.

Without further ado, my nominees for the management’s categories are:

* Technical Awards for Nice People
My favorite socialist Bernie Sanders for his 9 hour speech that nicely summed up our country’s economic problems.

Sen. Dick Durbin for sponsoring the DREAM Act.

* Le Prix Trudeau for Best Un-American Activity

* Velveteen Vuvuzela for Obnoxiousness in Sport
The French soccer team’s collapse into silly squabbling at the World Cup.

* Feathered Fawlty for Most Obsequious Pundit

* Platinum Passport for State Most Welcome to Secede
South Carolina

* Silver Slinky for Most Spineless Democrat
Harry Reid, hands down.

* Teflon Teabag for Best Wingnut
Sharron Angle

* Golden Anal Pear for Asshole of the Year
Meg Whitman

* Crystal Douchebag for Lifetime Achievement
John McCain. John McCain. John McCain.

I’m thinking Dana Rohrabacher is a contender for the Crystal Douchebag or for the All I Know, I Learned from Jack (except for that prison thing) Golden Handcuffs. Haven’t decided yet.

TJ: Love the new national ID propaganda tele-screen at the train station. Not at all creepy or Orwellian.

Technical Awards for Nice People

Bernie Sanders. Leave it to a Socialist to show Democrats what they ought to be.

* Le Prix Trudeau for Best Un-American Activity

Wikileaks, by far, although Julian Assange is by all accounts a dick.

* Velveteen Vuvuzela for Obnoxiousness in Sport

LeBron James. Has to. It’s not because he left his hometown NBA franchise and the fans that loved him; that happens all the time. It’s that he decided to stick it to the Cavaliers on national TV. (A close second place must go to the Cavs owner, Dan Gilbert, who acted not only like he owned James but wrote an entirely amusing rant in Comic Sans reading like a scorned lover.)

* Feathered Fawlty for Most Obsequious Pundit

Marc Thiessen, who keeps going to great lengths to justify torture in his WashPost column. (Or should this go to his enablers on the editorial page?)

* Platinum Passport for State Most Welcome to Secede

Texas, for the idiots on their school boards who determine the majority of our textbooks’ content and also because, hey, Gov. Perry suggested it and they all re-elected him.

* Silver Slinky for Most Spineless Democrat

Black Eagle, of course. He’s had some solid achievements, but when you’re giving away the store without even the most basic of negotiations (Bush tax cuts, stimulus package, health care), being a realist is only an excuse for so long.

* Teflon Teabag for Best Wingnut

Tie, Michele Bachmann and Steve King. She is the rhetorical gift that keeps on giving, and he just keeps plumbing depths I didn’t think were possible when I lived in Iowa.

* Golden Anal Pear for Asshole of the Year

Psychogeezer. The spite dripped off my computer screen when I heard him decry the passage of DADT. It shouldn’t be “What happened to McCain?”, it should be: “How did he fake it for so long, and why did only the alt press in Arizona notice?”

* Crystal Douchebag for Lifetime Achievement

Psychogeezer in a sweep.

TJ/ Thanks to Al2O3 (is that spelling right?), my computer is happy and hale. I did have one Screw Incident (no, not an extra or missing one — just one 1 mm too long), but it fit, so I blame The Incident on Apple’s sweatshop factory in China or on my ruler. Broke down and bought one of those new power cords from Apple that shouldn’t fray (3rd-party cord was a mess), so, Yay! Better than an Erector Set.

Now if I could only reassemble watches…

Okay — you guys still jack off into socks? Are you still living with your parents?

ADD: Ohhhhhh. You don’t do your own laundry. That makes sense.

@Signal to Noise: I’ve been searching far and wide for The Best Psychogeezer Meltdown Explanation, and so far, nothing has satisfied me. But “He Was An Asshole All Along and Nobody Noticed” might be the winner.

By the way, can I drop a line I should have thought of Saturday? McCain was riding the Straight Talk Express again.

@SanFranLefty: Yeah, I’d like to change my vote for Crystal Douchebag for Lifetime Achievement to John McCain. He really does have quite the record.

@Signal to Noise: Oh, and the other line I should have thought of Saturday: Anybody who voted for the Iraq War has a lot of nerve saying that DADT repealers will have soldiers’ blood on their hands.

@nojo: voting against MLK Day ought to have been a prime clue for that “He Was An Asshole All Along and Nobody Noticed” bit.

He played the press corps well enough to make people either forget his assholishness or no one dug far back enough to know it existed.

@Signal to Noise: Forgot about MLK. I keep thinking about Keating.

@nojo: Is it too late to suggest a category for most egregious squandering of massive public good will? McCain would be my choice, although Mayor Rudy could take a run at him. Also that guy in the White House.

@Dodgerblue: The categories are intentionally inclusive, and the judges may sort the nominees to provide the best competition. Pam Geller’s gonna show up somewhere, for example, but providing a special category for anti-Islamic bigotry would have been too easy. The judges like Hard Calls.

Although Lifetime Achievement might be a lock. Few conclusions have been as foregone.

No special category for closet queens who self-destruct in Disney-fireworks fashion? Stinque discriminates.

I too vote Crystal Douchebag for the Lieberthing. I vote we name it after him.
@Benedick: No snark, you are a very funny man, and I can’t tell you how fond I’ve become of you.

@Everybody: that goes for all of you, you beautful freaks.

Oh, and Arizona for the passport one. In a way, they’ve already seceeded- they’re just waiting for the rest of us to catch up.


Sure, but Northup Grumman doesn’t get a billion-dollar contract to build gaydar units – so it’s TOTALLY DIFFERENT! ;)

Platinum Passport: Arizona by a landslide (I get two votes on this one because I live here, right?). I hate every last motherfucker in this God forsaken hellhole of a state. I hope they all die slowly and painfully, fruitlessly screaming and begging for their selfish asshole of a g-d for relief, only to find their g-d has abandoned them.

Nice People: I wouldn’t know what one of those looks like b/c I live in Arizona.

Un-American Activity: A tie between every douchebag politician in Arizona.

Sport: ASU for thinking they could avoid NCAA sanctions by imposing their own pissant slap on the wrist to their cheating bastard of a baseball coach.

Pundit: All of them

Spineless Democrat: A tie between Terry Goddard, three time losing gubernatorial candidate, who couldn’t take out Gov. “We has did” and the idiots in the Arizona Demrat Party who want that fucking loser to run for Senate in 2010 against Jon Kyl.

Best Wingnut: Rep. Trent Franks (R-AZ), because nothing that comes out of his mouth makes a lick of sense.

Asshole of the Year: The local piece of shit U.S. Attorney who, because he still lives with his mother at the ripe old age of 47, doesn’t have the fucking balls to indict Sheriff Joe Arpaio despite his open flouting of federal and state law and a two year “ongoing” investigation into every motherfucking corrupt thing he has done in that office.

Lifetime Achievement: Fuck you, McCain.

In (my) local news, Gov-elect Kasich gets an early start on a possible 2011 award for “Best Gilded-Age Reenactment”:

Gov-elect Kasich appoints former IG whose witchhunt helped Kasich, complains about press bringing up conflicts of interest

Fucker hasn’t even been SWORN IN and is already handing out freebies to his cronies. It’s going to be a long four years.

Um… so.

Lacking a real Luggage Lifting moment might I nominate The Face of His Holiness Pope Benedict (no relation) XIV on Witnessing the Spandex-clad Crotches of Recent Gymnast Visitors to the Vatican? He looked like me in the mens chorus dressing room a child in FAO Schwartz Radio City watching a sweat soaked Monsignor Georg Gänswein playing tennis against his latest Sicilian boyfriend the Rockettes adoring Jesus.

I think Anal Pear should go to Bryan Fischer. But only if he promises to use it on Maggie Gallagher.

@Tommmcatt is with Karin Marie on This One: I’m humbled. Well, we both know that’s not true. But I kiss your secret parts.

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: It’s time to move to the Left Coast. Well, maybe let the rain die down first.

@Dodgerblue: I hate this place so much I can’t stop crying. Maybe that’s why it’s so wet over there.

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: Think of the wildflowers we’ll have in the Spring!! Come see them. Otherwise, stay west of I-5.

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: Ugh, dear, I’m so sorry. Nojo, I realize you need your beer money, but can we divert the kickback linque proceeds for a while and save poor JS from her unfortunate state/state?

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: We have beautiful clear days and coyotes that are just longing for you to get here.

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: If you move to the Left Coast, you’ll be that much closer to New Zealand when we all head there on the Ark begging for political asylum.

Oh my god, I’m stuck on a train listening to a very polite Canadian discuss politics with a very polite Ron Paul spouting “anarcho-captialist libertarian” (his words). Both are underinformed and making prounoucements about firearms and crime and fiscal policy. Where the fuck are my earplugs!

@IanJ: See, this is problem with public transportation. If you were in your Z-06 Vette, you could be blasting the Ramones at 150 db as you saw the train disappear in your rear view mirror, and not have to talk to another human.

@flippin eck: I’ve told her before that all she has to do is move to New Mexico, where we still treat people like human beings. We’ll see after we inaugurate our new Latina GOP governor in a few days, though.

@Dodgerblue: I also wouldn’t be able to be surfing pr0n Stinque and writing about my disdain for humanity. There are trade-offs. I seriously considered renting a car for this trip, but concerns over potential snow in the passes deterred me. The cost would have been similar — the train is damn expensive considering the alternatives and what they cost.

@IanJ: I’ve driven I-5 in the Grants Pass area in rain and snow in a crappy rental car. No fun at all.

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: Good!

@IanJ: Only twentysome hours to go now, right? Godspeed.

Oh god, the Canadian guy (who’s black) is now explaining to the Ron Paul dude (20-something, white) how he grew up in Texas under Jim Crow (which one of them called John Crow), and that his parents and grandparents were sharecroppers. Ron Paul dude spun this into a parable of how the free market always wins — the sharecroppers of our story eventually left (presumably penniless). “So the free market worked — that landowner either went out of business or changed his practices. You vote with your feet.”


The last time I heard anything that dumb was listening to some fat asshole bitch about taxes while getting my car’s oil changed.

He was complaining that Universal HC was the reason and then mentioned about all his heart problems. Dumbass thought he’d actually get better health insurance in US America. An older lady and I shared a laugh as we both rolled our eyes.

@IanJ: I keep thinking of escape plans on my bus rides, should I ever get stuck next to somebody who wants to win my soul for Jesus. It involves vaulting over the bank of chairs in front of me. I’m a big guy, but I can move when properly motivated.

Tweety: “We can see Secretary Gates and Secretary Clinton working firmly together.”


@nojo: Neither of those two has been firm in decades.

Omfg. Ron Paulie is now arguing against the legalization of pot. What about all those war on drugs dollars? All the drug cartels killing each other and innocent civilians? “That doesn’t impact the smoker. I can get an ounce of pot for $20…”

@karen marie doesn’t want to know: I second Arizona and Allen West (don’t bother coming to DC if you hate it so much), but Harry Reid kept Sharron Angle out of the Senate and brought DADT (among other things) to a vote, so I’ll have to think on that one.

Technical Awards for Nice People – Dan Savage for starting the It Gets Better Project, and Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert for trying (some would say failing, ahem, Benedick) to take it down a notch.

Le Prix Trudeau – Carly Fiorina and anyone else who says that the United States should be more like China (because, if anything, we need more air pollution, unsafe food, human rights abuses, and government censorship).

Velveteen Vuvuzela – LeBron James; I care not a whit about the NBA, but the wall-to-wall will-he-or-won’t-he coverage was sickening.

Feathered Fawlty – Everyone on Pareene’s list.

Golden Anal Pear – The mascot of Republican Senate obstructionism, Mitch McConnell.

Crystal Douchebag – John Sidney McCain III.

T/J: Favre is getting the crap beaten out of him on a hard, snowy field. Not for the sensitive viewer.

@mellbell: Oh, I second that Dan Savage nomination, so, so much.
@IanJ: Have you managed to not smack him yet? See you in a couple days, assuming you’re not removed by Amtrak security somewhere around Chico.
@Dodgerblue: Was watching that game at the gym tonight, completely mesmerized. Insane.

You cannot award the Golden Anal Pear to Mitch McConnell for fear he would enjoy it.

@Dodgerblue: Holy shit the Bears are killing the Vikings out there.

@stickler: Not to mention Lindsey Graham, who apparently is bone tired from working and can’t even bother his pretty little head with thinking about international treaties and nuclear weapons. Maybe the Anal Pear would be just the pick-me-up he needs.

@mellbell: You give Harry too much credit, I think. Sharron Angle being a complete nutcase saved Harry’s senate seat, and it was Joe L’Douche Lieberman who actually made DADT repeal happen now. I want to know what deal was cut with the Republicans to get Harry’s food safety bill clusterfuck straightened out.

Technical Awards for Nice People: I’ll second the Dan Savage nomination here. Shout out to Jon Stewart for his seemingly sole coverage of the 9/11 responders’ health care bill.

Le Prix Trudeau for Best Un-American Activity: Everything Jan Brewer has done this year.

Velveteen Vuvuzela for Obnoxiousness in Sport: LeBron James. If I’ve heard of you, you’re a really obnoxious asshole.

Feathered Fawlty for Most Obsequious Pundit: Tom Friedman

Platinum Passport for State Most Welcome to Secede: I’m gonna break with the crowd and say Texas.

Silver Slinky for Most Spineless Democrat: Reid.

Teflon Teabag for Best Wingnut: Glenn Beck

Golden Anal Pear for Asshole of the Year: John McCain, though Miss McConnell is really laying the groundwork for next year.

Crystal Douchebag for Lifetime Achievement: McCain.

Will one of you more tech-inclined folks explain to me whether the breathless hyperventilating on HuffPo about the upcoming FCC regs really are the end of civilization and democracy as we know it?

@SanFranLefty: I have not smacked anyone. I found my headphones and put some soothing music into my head. Problem solved. I think they’re back at it, though. There are enough other conversations going on that I can’t tell, so that’s good enough for me. My seat is seriously underpadded though. Take that as you will.

@SanFranLefty: The Internet is the L.A. freeway system at rush hour, and the FCC is voting to allow toll roads.

@karen marie doesn’t want to know: In the case of wireless, the FCC will keep its hands off. This means that Google and others are free to cut (expensive) sweetheart deals with (say) Verizon so their traffic gets preference. If you don’t pay for the high-speed distribution, your data will arrive much more slowly.

The doomsday scenarios basically have Big Media paying for preferred distribution, while piddly sites like this one get relegated to modem speeds.

The state I’d most like to secede is New York. Bloomburg can be king and we could be ruled by the banking elite in Manhattan and have a pleasant time of it living off banking fees levied on the rest of the country.

We need a special award to commemorate Christine O’Donnell, her father, and Stinque’s role in L’ Affaire de Bozo

My noms for 2010.

Technical Awards for Nice People: The population of Denmark

Le Prix Trudeau for Best Un-American Activity: Julian Assange

Velveteen Vuvuzela for Obnoxiousness in Sport: Sport

Feathered Fawlty for Most Obsequious Pundit: Jon Stewart/Stephen Colbert

Platinum Passport for State Most Welcome to Secede: New York

Silver Slinky for Most Spineless Democrat: The Left. I’ve never seen such a bunch of feckless fussbudgets. They put the tard in Libtard.

Teflon Teabag for Best Wingnut: Mike Lee. For obvious reasons.

Golden Anal Pear for Asshole of the Year: Bryan Fischer

Crystal Douchebag for Lifetime Achievement: Bill Maher

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