Alien Invasion Imminent: News at 11:00

The National Air and Space Administration‘s announcement that it will hold a news conference tomorrow to speak on a discovery of “astrobiological significance” has got the blogs and news media a buzz. Theories on what NASA is about to reveal vary wildly, from speculation that the Space Agency will annouce that signs of life have been discovered on one of Saturn’s moons, to talk of newly discovered exotic life forms here on Earth that portend possible future discoveries beyond our planet. Having perused the vast literature and spoken with mulitple experts in government, academia and industry we here at Stinque have weighed the evidence, eliminated the impossible, pushed the improbable off to one side and come up with a list of what we believe are 10 plausible discoveries that NASA might reveal at tomorrow’s press conference. And here they are, in no particular order:

1. Scientists and engineers working at SETI have found and decoded the first radio-frequency signal transmission that provides conclusive proof of intelligent life beyond our solar system. The signal came from… here [pointing at a star map] a star system we’ve named XG7-H31, which is near Proxima Centauri. The signal itself reads: “More Gilligan’s Island, please.”
2. So we finally got around to opening up that UFO we captured in 1947 near Roswell, New Mexico and… what? Did we forget to tell you about the captured UFO? We’re pretty sure we did… wasn’t Betty supposed to send out a memo? Well, anyway…
3. Some stupid microscopic bug has been discovered waaaay down in the bottom of a lake or the ocean or someplace like that where there’s no oxygen. It survives by metabolizing sulphur or arsenic or whatever. This suggests that life could evolve in environments very different from ours, such as on other planets. Oh yes also: if you play a record backwards it sounds really wierd… like how an alien might speak.
4. Archaeologists excavating near Olduvai Gorge have stumbled upon the the remains of Starbuck’s Viper. No, really…
5. After 42 long years of debate, we think we’ve finally figured out what happens at the end of 2001 A Space Odyssey: so here goes…
6. Because you’re going to read about it in Wikileaks tomorrow anyway: Jesus was an extraterrestrial, that famous Mayan carving really does show an astronaut piloting his ship, the Pyramids were built by extraterrestrials and everything Von Daniken wrote is totally 100% true.
7. We have discovered a perfect organism. Its structural perfection is matched only by its hostility. Do we admire it? Yes, we admire its purity. A survivor… unclouded by conscience, remorse, or delusions of morality. We can’t lie to you about your chances, but …you have our sympathies.
8. People all around the world are playing with their mashed potatoes, squshing them up to look like Devil’s Tower National Monument… we’re not sure what this means but we think it’s significant.
9. Late last week one of our T63 deep-space intereceptors responded to what it believed to be a distress beacon. Unfortunately the beacon turned out to be a ruse. The T63 was fired upon by a Xyamulon warship and its crew was taken prisoner. Congress met in early session a few hours ago and secretly voted to declare war on the Xyamulon empire. But first… a little background…’cause there’s a whole lot of secret shit been going on that the general public isn’t really aware of.
10. It’s a cookbook!

We’re not going to lie, we’re secretly hoping for #9, but we’re worried it’s probably something super lame like #3.